To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

I do understand, but honestly OP, your DS sounds great. Sensible, mature, selfless, a strong partner and father. You should be very proud that he is such a decent human being.

@Screenshotted

I would actually advise my daughter to run a mile from a man who says this kind of thing and my son certainly never would come out with it.

Same here and I find it odd that people are glossing over this.

Its also very noticeable that the DS is going against his upbringing here. I can imagine that if you have been raised by two hard working and ambitious parents a “barefoot and pregnant” homemaker type wife will bore you and frustrate you after the novelty has worn off. I would not put money on this relationship lasting the distance. Let’s just hope for the wife’s sake she has a Plan B.

I don't think you should feel disappointed. If he had squandered huge potential then yes maybe. But you say that he struggled academically and disliked school, so he has actually done very well to hold down two jobs to provide for his family. He is hard working and dependable so he will make progress in time. I would be a bit worried about the responsibility he has taken on at such a young age, as his partner doesn't work or contribute financially. It's their choice of course but it feels like something he may come to regret - doing two jobs so she can stay at home.

Could anybody link that thread if possible, I'm very intrigued to see it and it might provide a bit more insight for others who are in the kind of same situation.

Seems he knows what he wants and at just 21 years old is already good at building strong and positive relationships, which according to that famous Harvard study is far more important than any other factor in having a happy and content life. And the fact that he’s responsible, hardworking, and great at building relationships may also be far more critical in improving his earnings in his 30s and 40s than obtaining a university degree, which hardly does much to set you apart from the crowd these days. And he wasn’t academic anyway? I expect he’d be really disappointed to read your opinion of him - and I’d say your value system regarding him and his strengths/achievements is pretty shambolic.

I'd also find it very noticeable that OP is going against his upbringing here, if he's only criticising the mother's parenting and not the father's parenting.

Also how present is he as a parent working 2 jobs? How is this better than his own mother (or indeed father)?

Be thankful your son is healthy and not severely disabled and unable to live independently like mine is. Not everyone is cut out for academic success and high flying careers. Please don't be disappointed in your son. That is shallow and damaging to him.

Managed to find it

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5106273-niece-chucked-her-life-away-anyone-experienced-this-pain?page=40&reply=136388822

I think this is a social class shame issue - he's gone 'down' a rung in your eyes

I am a huge high achiever couldn't have got a higher level of education and I did all the right things and now I'm a single mum to a 'professional' father who barely provides. I would LOVE to have a secure HA flat (rather than my tiny flat that has a huge now interest only mortgage on it and is owned by a HA anyway so it's literally the same standard of home for much more expensive!) I would also LOVE to have a loving partner who works hard for me and provides for me and my toddler so I didn't HAVE to go out to work when my child is small. I would also love to have another baby but I can't afford to and no partner to have one with.

Your sons girl friend and child are lucky to have him and I'm sure they can see his worth even if is parents don't xx

I've recently had to review dozens of applications for an incredibly hands on junior position. It was incredibly depressing to see how many had multiple degrees and there was at least one PhD amongst them.

I find it sad that you seem more concerned about not being able to compete with you friends on offspring's academic achievements than being pleased that he is happy and content.

I agree

This is a very narrow personal experience.

Abuse and neglect happens in all income brackets and post codes.

what a low opinion you have of your husband - had he married someone who was academically successful both he and she would have been bad parents?

you sound very set in your way of thinking.

I get what you’re saying OP but if he’s got a home, a woman he loves, healthy children I’d say he’s hit the jackpot x

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

I think this is a social class shame issue - he's gone 'down' a rung in your eyes

I think there’s an element of truth to this.

But I don’t think it’s the whole story. And it’s right to acknowledge that the OP is being quite clear eyed.

The life the DS and his partner have chosen is a classic example of short term thinking. It’s fun for a bit and looks cute from the outside but it will rapidly become exhausting, financially precarious and very boring.

Such extreme examples on this thread.

The tradespeople who are earning huge amounts and living a great life. The professional people who hate their jobs and lives and have shit relationships.

In practice, most people with degrees and graduate jobs will largely have better paid jobs and more choices. They will also often manage to have stable relationships and families of their own. In twenty years’ time they will probably have more stability and be a bit more cushioned from government policy changes and property price/rent increases.

Who knows how life will turn out. But it’s disingenuous to say that education and a better job don’t help most people in the long run. That’s always been the case.

I am proud of the fact that he provides for his family, and he is a very good father. He loves his little girl very much.

What more can you ask of him? He sounds like an exemplary son of whom you can be really proud. He is getting by - he is not sponging off you or whinging; he is facing up to his responsibilities and being a good citizen. He has chosen his path and he is happy in it. Rejoice in your GC.

He does not fit your mould or live up to your expectations - but maybe your expectations are wrong?

To hell with what your friends think - that is a pretty shallow attitude TBH! Our children are not just there for us to boast about!

Your description of your son's life is like my parents lives. Council house kept lovely. Just getting by and bit of savings. They were ridiculously happy, lived within their means and we had a great childhood even though we didn't have the stuff the neighbours kids had.

All three of us went down the uni route and we all have massive problems of various kinds as a direct result of our jobs and juggling stuff that would not be in the picture if we had done what your son has done.

There are lots of ways to do life OP. When your friends ask how he is doing, pick a positive from his life and pass on that bit perhaps.

I should say that my late OH had qualifications coming out of every orifice and a professional career - and he was totally stressed and miserable!

I am sure it’s important. Good for them. But this country doesn’t value these jobs enough to pay well sadly. The higher paid jobs and financial security tend to go to those with degrees still.

To add to the overwhelming theme, gently YABU. He sounds like a high achiever in lots of ways. Further education is no guarantee of anything.

Firstly, I have not decided anything, I have suggested a possibility. This is quite clear in my post.

Secondly, his partner’s voice and opinion absent from this thread, even second hand. OP says it is her son who says he has decided mother’s should be with their children. I based my suggestion on what the son has said.

You have made false claims about what I said and invented a narrative for the girlfriend.

In your own words, do stop making crap up.

He sounds like a lovely young man. You should be proud of him and support his choices to live the life he wants and be in a happy committed relationship.

Obviously his childhood has shaped his ideas of how he wants to raise his children and you must accept this.

This is a false dichotomy though. People are very quick to come out with this poor = happy vs rich and ambitious = miserable and stressed narrative.

Obviously some wealthy people are unhappy. Obviously being obsessively focused on your career at the expense of your family is not good.

But the reality is that a good career does provide you with a cushion. Money doesn’t make people happy but a degree of financial security does make it much easier to deal with the shocks life throws at you. That doesn’t have to mean a university education. But planning to live your life hand to mouth, with one spouse working for both of you and multiple children just makes life a lot harder and more precarious than it needs to be: why would you celebrate that?

If this kid doesn’t want to go to university that’s totally fine. There are many other ways to achieve that security and satisfaction. But positioning this as if he is automatically going to be happy because he is less ambitious is just silly.

I really didn’t. You can read my post without emotion and see that for yourself. I suggested an alternative view, see the use of my word ‘might’ to indicate this.

But you are clearly highly invested for your own reasons in thinking I did, so knock yourself out with that if you like. 🤷‍♀️