To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

Surprised no one picked up on this before your post - his choices generally seem perfectly fine but I would personally be disappointed if my son believed that a woman’s place is in the home!
Seems very regressive and patriarchal.

not your circus, not your monkeys.

Stop making crap up
Men can never win on here
He's working two jobs to support his partner and child and you have deceided.hes doing it to domiminate his partner ,not that she might have a mind of her own and maybe she wants to be a SAHM whilst her child is young.

Only one of my sons went to university and he did a degree which wasn't entirely ... useful and now has a civil service type job which just required a degree. The other didn't go and has on purpose taken a fairly low level job because he doesn't want anything stressful (he knows he doesn't deal well with stress).

They are now in their late 30s, and do you know what I regret for them now? They aren't in relationships and they don't want children - well it's the relationships really I suppose, as having children would be their choice and I know that the younger one at least doesn't want them. I won't be here forever and I don't want them to be lonely, but as they don't particularly get on with each other, and there isn't much extended family, I fear they might be.

Your son will have his wife and children - and he is only 21 so he has loads of time to do extra training or find other employment opportunities. Don't waste your life with regrets - get doting on your lovely granddaughter now! (And that's an order!) 😁

No that poster was insightful and raised some interesting questions.
When these things are no longer a concern for women come back and say "men can never win."

Op,I get it. Your son is on a life pathway that's unfamiliar to you and also your peer group so that is scary. I have similar aged dc and have enjoyed watching them have (mostly) carefree teen years. I would also be disappointed (for them) if they didn't reach their potential and later on in life have regrets.

Another factor is young relationships often don't succeed as the couple grow and frequently in different directions. I would be concerned about the longevity especially with 2 young dc so that's also a factor.

However for now you will have to be optimistic and supportive. Be positive about his work ethic and commitment to family.. I don't think he has chosen an easy life but only time will tell. At aged 30 he maybe happier/more settled than your friends children

OP you have had a kicking on here and I sort of understand why. I think your post will have triggered a lot of people by making them feel judged because your personal aspirations are higher than they achieved.

They are right in the sense that he is clearly a kind and decent man who has his family’s interests at heart. And also that there is no point hassling and mithering a child who has made it clear they don’t want to do something. It’s futile, which you seem to recognise.

But honestly I agree with you at many levels and I would also (privately) be disappointed. Manual labour is fine in your 20s but will rapidly become quite old and is not amusing at all in your 40s and 50s. The fact that his other half has no interest in working ever is worrying and would make me lose respect for her.

I think your saving grace is that almost certainly your son will have some sort of epiphany and skill up at some point. Not necessarily with a degree but he’s not silly, has good role models and a child to support and will want more from life. At some point the penny will drop that he can’t live like this for the next 30 years.

In the mean time just cherish his good qualities and support him as much as you can.

Maybe they both think that ?
Apparently the girlfriend has no desire to work
If they are happy why does it matter.

No that poster wasn't being insightful they were making shit up about a young man and his partner

I do agree that this young man’s view that the women should be home with children is a little concerning. Given he now has a daughter himself.

he will still be very young when his daughter is making academic and career choices. Let’s hope he is open minded and supports all options for his daughter and doesn’t see only one path (trad wife type existence) for his daughter.

I do think his girlfriend is in a more vulnerable position - and to be honest I would want my daughter to be building qualifications and work experience at that age. I absolutely understand she can go back when the kids are older - but many don’t.

Your ds is supporting his family and making decisions to take 2 jobs to support them. He's got them secure housing that he works to pay for.

He's decided to do this so his DP can be home with the kids.

He's 21. He'll gain experience that will make him able to earn more.

He sounds great.

And it sounds like he's raised well to take responsibility for his actions. Instead of being disappointed see what he's doing and your part in that.

He sounds like a fine young man, his head screwed on, with good principles and an excellent work ethic, who is true to himself and his family. I'd be bloody proud of him if he were mine.

No she has highlighted certain disadvantages to be cautious about (this is true):

His girlfriend/ wife is in a very vulnerable position. No job, not building up skills to get a job. Not building up a pension. A husband who does not believe she should work. She doesn’t even have a materially comfortable life now or potential decent divorce settlement to show for it.

We all focused on the fact he did not abandon his GF and works hard but missed that if he is working 2 jobs that has to be hard. That poster helped bring this to our awareness. She did not say anything was definite just that it might be. I see nothing made up.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to sit down and say this action has this consequence. It’s not about laying down the law but if he works to just ‘get by’ that getting by gets harder and harder as you get older.

It's hardly "not your circus, not your monkeys"- that'd be an accurate statement for us in our capacity as total utter strangers bc it won't make a material difference to us whatever happens to OP's family, good or bad, but OP clearly has a direct stake in the livelihood of her child/grandchildren and it's reasonable for her to have feelings about it one way or the other, she doesn't have to play Switzerland on this issue or be the passivist.

Without being too outing, it's an NHS based career that doesn't require a degree, but you do have to train. The pay isn't brilliant, but she's doing important work.

I understand your disappointment OP.

I’m reminded about the recent thread about someone’s ambitious niece all set to go to university and have an exciting career, who got pregnant by her boyfriend who worked for his dad and spent all his free time in the pub with his mates. She wanted to keep the baby and stay with the boyfriend and the poster was distraught. But most responders seemed to think she was BU.

I am also from an immigrant background where education and work ethic is everything.

I can’t believe so many people are talking about this boy as it being a ‘success story’. Ending up as a 21-year-old with two kids in a low paid job and no plans to get a mortgage etc, is of course an unavoidable outcome for many. But I would hardly describe it as a success story.

The bar is quite low isn’t it. We are saying that a man who stays with his partner and baby is a ‘success’ and praising him. Surely that should be the minimum expectation if you procreate with a woman. I am not handing out medals to a man who stays with the woman and the baby he helped create.

Who knows where this young man’s life will lead. However, I would hardly be describing it is a success. I assume the OP thinks that her son is capable of further education, otherwise she would not be disappointed. She clearly knows he is capable of more.

I do find that ‘I just want my child to be happy’ is a very privileged western viewpoint. There of us from immigrant backgrounds really value education and understand the importance of maximising your potential work future in order to establish future security. I want my children to be happy, but also financially secure and stable for the years ahead. You can aim for both.

I know I am lucky and that my kids are happily thriving at uni and have all sorts of exciting plans for themselves. And that motivation comes from within themselves as they have career plans which I do not really understand or relate to, but I am excited for them. I can understand why the OP feels as she does.

It sounds a bit trite but don’t you just want him to be happy which he seems to be?

He’s got a HA property at a very young age so is not saving for a huge mortgage and doesn’t have student debt. He has a work ethic. I would say he’s in a very good position especially for his age. You are not having to support him which lots of parents are doing with adult children still living at home well into their 20’s.

I would encourage him to train in a trade eg electrician and he will be able to make some good money to support his family

@KimberleyClark

I’m reminded about the recent thread about someone’s ambitious niece all set to go to university and have an exciting career, who got pregnant by her boyfriend who worked for his dad and spent all his free time in the pub with his mates. She wanted to keep the baby and stay with the boyfriend and the poster was distraught. But most responders seemed to think she was BU.

I remember that thread and I too thought the neice looked to be about to throw her life away. It sounded like an awful life.

I think the thing about these threads is that people take them very personally because they feel like a judgement. If someone says: “my son is too good to waste his life on manual labour” then everyone who has a family member in manual labour will feel judged and looked down on. Which I can understand.

But it’s more complicated than that. The OP is right to acknowledge that a scenario where one partner is doing two hard manual jobs and the other not only doesn’t work now but has no intention of ever working is going to be difficult and limiting.

To brutally honest I wouldn’t want this life for my children. I don’t blame the OP for wanting more and I don’t think she can be expected to expunge her natural reactions.

Let's put the manual-work/university/whatever thing to the side for a second...

The bottom line is OP's son currently has to work 2 jobs just to "get by" for his unemployed GF and their toddler, if a new-born is introduced into the situation will OP's son have to work a 3rd job in order just to "get by" or even a 4th?

If OP's son and his GF really want to start trying for a 2nd child at 21 then fair enough but what they need do is start planning NOW before conception, in that I mean financially planning including costings and everything to see what kind of life-adjustments they might need to make.

They need to properly consider it, mull it over and fully think things through- a 2nd child should never just be something like an impulse purchase even though realistically I know they often are.

You wouldn't plan to have a 2nd dog without thinking things through first, seeing if you could afford it etc... so I wouldn't recommend to them doing the same with the life of a 2nd child.

he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child.

I would actually advise my daughter to run a mile from a man who says this kind of thing and my son certainly never would come out with it.

So my side of the family - trades & 'ordinary' jobs. Present parents, always someone home, always supported both as children and adults. Living paycheque to paycheque for the most part but very very generous with both time & money. I'm the ONLY divorcee on my entire side. Mental health issues are medical, not acquired. We all do 'ok' financially but are happy.

DH's family - all high achievers, academics, in finance etc. Not present for children, left to be looked after others both in-home & after school - children loved but always secondary. Multiple divorces, parents in separate countries to children at young ages. Very generous with money but not time. All of my generation in his family are emotionally damaged in some way (environmentally) as a result. Older generations on one side difficult & judgemental - wouldn't even meet me for years cos I was divorced (the most 'successful'). The older on the other side (now sadly deceased) fully working class, accepting & loving. Treated me & my son like family when DH & I first met.

It's taken a long time but both MIL & FIL realise that DH not making their same mistakes & that we are the little family unit that's most 'successful'. And yeah...I'll take credit for that thanks cos had DH settled with another woman (not a step-down to me ;)) he'd have continued in the same way.

Most ppl don't break out of that behaviour & sounds like OPs son has - good for him!

Poor kid. You sound awfully judgemental.