To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

I can’t help thinking people are over romanticizing the son here. He’s working two jobs and must spend very little time with his kids and wife ( odd choice for someone who hated seeing little of his own parents), and he must be pretty tired in the time he does spend with them. He believes mothers should be at home

This might not be a tale of a decent guy and more a tale of a young man who has fallen for Andrew Tate ultra masculinity bollocks. I have followed a couple of such sites ( not AT himself) online and Op’s son’s attitude fits right in with this.

His girlfriend/ wife is in a very vulnerable position. No job, not building up skills to get a job. Not building up a pension. A husband who does not believe she should work. She doesn’t even have a materially comfortable life now or potential decent divorce settlement to show for it.

I'm curious about how he would react if she changed her mind on being unemployed as he previously stated that he actually believes "a mother should be at home to look after her children" not just that he supports his Girlfriend in her own personal choices which is quite a different. matter

If Gf chooses to enter the workforce in near-future and Bf really takes a stand against it because as he believes "a mother should be at home to look after her children" then they might be on the road to a family-breakdown.

There's also the question that if both of them decided it'd be a good idea for GF to be employed then would they be able to afford the childcare and how many children do they ultimately plan to have?

We know they're planning to have a 2nd child but what will they do if she gives birth to twins and now they have 3 children- only one low-paid breadwinner and all the childcare costs and other issues that come with that.

OP I think your son has done brilliantly but I understand your concern. I'd be concerned about the GF and wondering what her future plans might be too.

Children have a way of throwing you a curve ball. My DD works in a manual job that's reasonably well paid for what it is but I think she has the potential to do much more exciting things but she has no idea at this point what they might be.

She has a degree in a subject notoriously difficult to find stable jobs in and her skills are already far outdated (she's 30). I think that people who find a job they love or a niche are lucky.

Maybe give your boy a little time, help where you can, open up a savings account for DGC?

Another ridiculous post of a materialistic, pushy mother wanting credit out of the life of her child. But out. Their lives are none of your business.

Who needs enemies with a friend like you?! My God, this is your son you are talking about and disecting to strangers on the Internet. Good on him for choosing his own path and not just conforming to your judgemental, hyacinth bucket ways. Get over yourself and be grateful that he has stepped up and is making a go of being a responsible adult, a good father to his child and a good partner too. I hope you get rumbled for this and they do the sensible thing of distancing themselves from you as you sound toxic.

Yes. For the majority of people family is all we've got, money or not. Jobs cone and go for some of us. We studied and have been , are academic. So?!!! Whose effing business is to pronounce a judgement, be it a biological parent.

I think yanbu to be a bit (quietly) disappointed if you think your son has settled for something that falls short of his potential, but yabu if that disappointment is because he doesn't match up to some sort of historic 'family' standard. He sounds as if he's carved out a decent life.
Whatever the case, don't convey disappointment to him.

He's an adult who is able to make his own decisions so you should definitely keep your opinions too yourself.

He is (presumably?) from a middle class background and is not the career type. Pushing your kids where they do not want to go does not end well.He has decided that working class life is a better fit for him. This happens and it is a legitimate choice IMO.

He knows himself best, and would have most likley not been happy at uni.
If you think about it, he could have gone to uni and ended up working a routine job. Many people do.

He has achieved important milestones before his peers. He is employed, has his own home and can support a family. You should be proud.

One of my best friends was academically successful, we used to compete against each other. She went to university, got a good degree and then took a gap year in Australia between completing university and starting her career. In Australia you have to do manual work for a certain period of time to be able to stay there, she chose farming… she loved it so much that 5 years later she is now applying to become a permanent Australian resident working as a farmer!

Let your son live his life, nobody knows what’s round the corner or will happen next.

I wonder if OP's son has expressed a view on his dad's parenting, I think it might indicate a bit of Andrew Tateism if he hasn't and his only displeasure being towards the mother for simply taking him to activities... which led him to the all mothers should stay at home to look after the children type of belief which he now carries out with GF.

It well her, not them. He already provides tye whole financial structure for a household to go on

Yeah, I was going to add this to my post. The ‘trad wife’ business is concerning. As a feminist, I believe women have a right to be a full-time carer to their kids pre-school and, if that’s what they want, they should be supported in that. But IMHO it’s far better to parent equally, both working part-time and both spending time looking after the kids. That’s what I did. Almost consider yourself a lone parent coparenting with another lone parent. It really helps both parents appreciate how hard it is to look after kids and run a home, as well as understanding the stresses of work and being away from their kids or coming home tired. IMHO to have genuine freedom, choices and autonomy, women need to be financially independent.

A tad harsh. I am sure op wants the very best for her son, like most parents.

It doesn’t sound like she is looking for reflected glory. It’s surely more that a good income gives people increased choices.

I have posted below that there is still plenty of time for her son to achieve that and he has a head start on most uni students . There is a lot to be said for raising dc when you are young and energetic.

But either way, I don’t think it’s wrong for the op to express her private concerns here. It’s not as though she is voicing them to her son is it? And to parent is to worry! Even when they are grown up. It’s natural. You never stop worrying!

I love it when the plot thickens..

Oh chill out.

The OP loves her son, she knows he’s not academic, she’s adapting to things being different to what she expected.

No one would be super thrilled with their child having a kid at 19, it is not ideal.

She needs to encourage him into a trade for a better income and not being busted at 40, and I am sure she will. She also needs to encourage the GF to build a PT career once the kids are at school to build their collective security, which I am sure she will.

I imagine they'll handle things like surprise twins in the same way as anyone else who has twins does.

And if they need childcare they'll work it out like all families who need childcare do.

You can't plan for every eventuality. You just adapt your main plan accordingly.

And I say that as an over thinker who loves a plan.

He is happy and healthy. Please try and enjoy him and your grandchild rather than focusing on what could have been or comparing him to others.

I’ve never suggested they spent outside their means, but if your son is working two low-paid manual jobs now to sustain a household of one child and a non-working partner, it’s clear they will struggle to afford the needs of two growing children. I grew up the eldest child in a grindingly poor household. My father had a low-paid manual job, my mother did bits of cleaning and childminding, and they probably would both have said we were ‘getting by’, but it was a miserable way to grow up.

But 5y later they are happily married, kids on the way, financial security, job allowing wfh etc.

Whereas the ones who did the opposite have plateau-ed in their job or are starting from the bottom in another field of work. Their lifestyle stays the same for years while the one of people
in the first group continues to increase.

At least this is what I see if I look at mine and DH’s school friends and sisters.

I would feel the same as you. I would definitely worry about the future. Life is tough. Education and good jobs and money bring more choices.

It is one thing being 19 or 20 and living on a meagre income. Life becomes more expensive. I was never prepared for how much teenagers would cost me. And then if you want to support them a bit with stuff like driving lessons and uni themselves, then it is tough without money.

Obviously, there is nothing you can do now. You can show him how proud you are of him and dote on your grandchild. But I would be worried if my children followed this path. It is possible to have education, a good job, and also a family and kids and I think that is what many of us would like.

Of course health is most important but other stuff matters too. Hopefully he will want to study later in life. For now, there is no point pushing him. He will find out in his own time.

DM has worked manual/minimum wage jobs her whole life. She's one of the brightest, most engaged and intellectually curious people I know. Much more so than many supposedly successful professionals I've come across. Your job doesn't define you or your worth.

What is her great job? It is useful for me to understand what well-paid jobs are out there that don’t require a degree. These days, so many careers stipulate having a degree.

Therapy? Really? She is having concerns as a parent. Why do people jump to suggesting therapy if someone has a different opinion to them these days?!