To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

There is a difference between him not living up to your expectations (unreasonable) and you worrying that he will struggle financially and may not be able to provide all the things his children need in the future (reasonable).

It doesn't sound like he is academic, and that's absolutely fine. Can he look at a career like a plumber or electrician? They can charge a small fortune when good at their trade.

He does sound like he is hardworking and lives up to his responsibilities, so you have clearly done good job in parenting him. Just continue to offer your support. He is very young and has plenty of time to find his career.

He sounds like a hard working, reliable, decent young man which is everything to be proud of!

He has stepped up to his responsibilities as a father - more than can be said for many!

Further study is not the be all and end all of everything. The job he has now may change, he may end up in a supervisor type role/setting up on his own. He may decide to retrain later. Who knows? He is working and providing for his family, that is what matters.

Your granddaughter is loved and well cared for. Many children don't have fancy holidays etc. But they are happy and do well.

If it makes you feel better, my brother is now 43. He struggled massively at school and pretty much left with nothing. He was 15 when school finished in the June as he is an August birthday.

He knew he wanted to join the army but was 12 months too young. He took a job in a factory in our village and worked hard. Joined the army at 16 and a half. He went in at the entry level.

He has had a fantastic military career and is now a sergeant working in a really important area. He is married and has 2 wonderful children.

The point is, despite his struggles at school, he has been very successful! Your son will no doubt be the same!

I can understand you being a bit worried. Your ds is in manual work and has also had to take on a second job. He will eventually feel worn out. Not to mention the physical impact a manual job will have by the time he is in his 40’s. They are also only getting by. He sounds like a lovely, responsible lad but he is still only young. Give him a few more years and he’ll probably realise that life would just be easier with a higher income, not having to work so many hours and less budgeting constraints.

His life hasn't turned out badly his life is literally just beginning you said yourself he's so young. It's normal for someone that age to be on a lower wage as they develop skills and experience. If he is as hardworking as you say and understands his responsibilities and is in a trade type job he will quite possibly end up earning more than his peers who have gone to university eventually. Don't turn your nose up at manual /trade jobs they literally make the world go round and can often be the kind of jobs that can't be eventually done by computers so he may well end up with better job security than others too. Also just let him live his life and make his own mistakes eventually he will figure it out if its not the right path for him, this happened to my brother who got married at 20, struggled for years in a very low paid, yet stressful and dangerous job with a wife and kids to support even though he is so academically smart and was offered an unconditional offer for a red brick uni in his gifted subject. It's taken him until his 40s to go to uni study his passion and is now working at a red brick uni himself on a nice salary and is finally where he feels like him but he had to work that out for himself. I do agree with other posters on the idea that they should probably get married though as if she is staying home she has no protection should they split up with no income etc of her own. Don't unintentionally make him 'the black sheep'of the family just because he's not like you or siblings etc just love him otherwise you will find him drifting away from you if he feels everyone is looking down on him everytime you meet.

"His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to" sounds like possible workshyness from her tbh "and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child" sounds like it could possibly be something of the 'tradwife' anti-feminism type of ideology tbh.

If GF heel-turned one day and didn't want to be unemployed anymore, would he support the mother of his child on this or would he actively take a stand against her, that's what I'm curious to know and what OP should be curious to know as well.

So much romanticism in the comments but I hated growing up poor/with parents who were financially stressed. No leeway for school trips, unexpected growth spurts that require new uniform and shoes, etc etc.

Also you see what people really think the definition of success is - reproducing when it should be up to each individual what it is. OP your son has many first rate traits - loyalty for one which is great but a sad state of affairs when this because seen as excellent in a man.

I can understand why OP is worried and I hope her son can train in a trade at some point/get a useful skill. The stats still show a greater chance of financial success with some education behind you - doesn’t have to be uni. I also think that we have to remember the rare success stories of being starting out with nothing are rare, the average person is unlikely to be a great business owner with nothing behind them.

Personally I think your expectations of him were to high. 21yrs is very young to know what you want to do as a career and think about financial security. I wish the preasure was taken off young people to know what they want to do for a career. It’s very normal these days to have more than one career choice in a life. Also HA is great and the next best thing to owning a house, that’s a great step towards stability.

As for his job, all jobs have career progression, and different levels of management. There is still time for him to get there.

My parents were academic and also struggled up get there heads round why I wasn’t 🙄. TBH I didn’t care what they thought as there views were un relatable to me. In the end I finished school on day release for the company I was working for at the time, went back to uni at 23yrs which I funded myself. Fast forward 20yrs later I have a great job, I out earn my more academic siblings, I’m so relieved I didn’t listen to my parents and do what they wanted me to do, instead I worked really hard on my own personal development. I also brought a house that I don’t think they cared for which has now doubled its price due to train station being made over and now having a fast train in to London in our own town. I have encouraged both of my children to look at all options at 16yrs, not just the usual ones but ultimately they have to find their own way.

I doubt this is true. I know a lot of high achieving young people. Some are in house shares, some live with their parents, some are buying their own places. Some are in relationships. Some have student debt, some don’t (rally down to how wealthy their parents are). Some have a wonderful life and enjoy their work and some are stressed and unhappy. If we are talking 25 and under yes all I know are childfree - the only thing you got right!

it’s not a competition - you don’t have to dime someone else’s flame you make yours shine brighter.

OP’s son sounds like he is happy and is living the exact life he wants. That amazing - is is successful, just not in the way his mother would define.

You don’t have to say everyone else’s choices are shit though. Just different. You are bad as OP!

I get where you are coming from OP. He’s chosen a more difficult life than he needed to - not just for him but for his child and any future children. It’s a shame that he doesn’t want to give her more opportunities but there is nothing you can do about it unfortunately except from give support.

@JemimaPuddleduck7 I know what you mean, in your head you had visions of how his life would pan out but it’s gone the other way.

He sounds well balanced but I agree with your concerns about “getting by” his children will suffer if God forbid he has an accident and can’t work, especially if his girlfriend has no plans to work or even further her education.

I have no advice but wanted to say you aren’t being unreasonable for caring xx

OP your not being unreasonable. You want the best for him, but I'm not sure you can change this. He doesn't want to study and probably can't now because he has responsibilities. Hopefully in the future he will raise his aspirations. His biggest influence is his partner, perhaps once they have completed their family she will also work and that will put them in a better position.

I was a straight A student at school and college, despite this I never felt that academia was for me and I did not go to university, instead deciding to start my own business. Then, I had my son at 20, and now have a second baby with my wonderful partner at age 29. In the meantime, I’ve built up that business that I started at 18 and it now affords me a good life and my partner has had several promotions at work. We are now home owners and live very happily.

Success is happiness.

Most of our friends are ‘manual workers’ and most, if not all, often out earn us as builders, plumbers, electricians are in demand! My grandfather was also a carpenter and he was able to save and buy properties and then retire in his 50s. He lived very comfortably and never set foot in a university.

There's trades and then there's trades. Not every trade is hazardous, not every academic job is a walk in the park.
My family is mainly trades, DH's is mainly academic. The ratio of work related health problems is pretty much equal on both sides and so is the variety of lifestyles. More of my side of the family are self employed and seem to be happier for that (I'm self employed too).

The one thing I do notice is on my side of the family people seem to live more within their means. Whereas DH's more academic family seem to strive to have that middle class lifestyle even if they are on a shoestring. We are guilty of that too, I'm pushing DH to downsize as we are struggling financially to maintain a type of house that we don't need.

I’m an older mum and I have every intention of telling my LO to have kids in their 20 don’t obsess over work and follow your dreams. I have lost friends in their 20 and 30’s and life really is too short . Your son is happy and he’s not hitting you up for cash to support his life style so what’s the problem? Your idea of a perfect life is your vision alone. Be greatfull for your grandkids and let him live his life as he chooses.

Because it's very difficult to progress in any kind of job without gaining some qualifications on the way. They can be vocational or skills or whatever. If you don't, you can be in a job that is hard physical work, for little pay for a very long time.
Some sort of security for the future is no bad thing.
I live next door to a lovely man who does skilled manual work. He needs an operation on his shoulder. Over the road is a plasterer. Been off work for months after a shoulder operation. Both have families and fortunately, wives who have good jobs.
If you need to reskill or take time off you need something behind you.

My friend decided her daughter was going to be a doctor. The child had had private tutors to get into a selective girl's school. She wanted her to do science A levels that weren't her strength at all and got a tutor for those. At parents evening the teacher asked whether she planned to get a private tutor to get her daughter through her medical degree and then another to go to work with her everyday to get her through the actual job. She finally woke up. Children are not blank canvasses to be moulded to fit what we want. My friend was a TA and her husband worked for the railway. They weren't academic but their child had to be. She was bright but not doctor level bright. And ,more fundamentally, she had no desire to be a doctor.

I gft where you are coming from in a way OP but you do not realise how blessed and lucky you are

the world is changing fast and what we believed was a sure fire was to “success” in the nineties no longer holds true

one of my boys who was actually quite academic completely burned out at a levels and ended up not going to Uni and never wanting to.

i had to adjust my expectations as well as realise it is not the nineties anymore, and there are many different ways to live life. And university is now so expensive and ubiquitous it no longer confers the advantage s it used to when we were young anyway.

Be proud of your boy and his hard working attitude and for knowing what he wants from life

Oh and I also know lots of people who are in their late 30s and 40s who delayed having children and struggle to conceive. One couple I know managed to have one child after a year of trying, then suffered secondary infertility and are spending thousands on IVF to try and give their child a sibling. The doctors have said the infertility is due to my friend being 42, and because of this, IVF is also unlikely to be successful.

It doesn’t always work out the way you plan or imagine it.

Well done to your son for providing for his family.

He will eventually find that his income won't stretch far after the 2nd baby is born. Working two jobs might be feasible while he has 1 child but being away from home with 2 kids isn't really sustainable. It'll put pressure on his relationships with his partner and his children.

Is there a chance that he would upgrade his manual job to something higher paid? Higher apprenticeships are a good way to becoming qualified in a skilled trade while earning. Now is the time to suggest a career upgrade, similar to what he is doing but earning more.

https://www.ucas.com/apprenticeships/england/higher-level-4-5

It's ok that she wants to be a stay at home mum. This is part of the choices women get to make that all the women in history fought for. It shouldn't bother you that she feels this is what she wants for her life, and that her partner also thinks this is right for their life together.

It's the complete opposite of what I would choose for my life. But if she wants that, and it's workable for them and they're both happy, why should it bother anyone else?

That’s tough OP. I have a very bright 21 year old son who dropped out of uni and is working in an entry level job. All my family are university educated professionals. DS recently came out as gay and I think the last few years have actually been about him working out who he is and building confidence that it’s okay. Ultimately that’s more important than a university degree. Your son of course has the extra responsibility of a child but if he is clear on who he is and what is important to him then that’s far ahead of most 21 year olds. He sounds pretty awesome!

21 is still so young, far too early to worry about “how it’s turned out”! There are so many different pathways through life. Just keep encouraging him to learn and grow and live his best life.

This is so wise. I’ve known a couple of people like this. Life’s to be lived and can sometimes be short. And there are many advantages to having kids young.

OP, my eldest is 22. Very intelligent. Dropped out of a good degree at a Russell Group uni after a couple of years for various reasons. Worked in a shop for about a year, consistently got top sales, was opening/locking up and told he could transfer overseas. But the hours and commute were long, and pay not great. So he left and has had a few months unemployed living on his savings, but now looking for another job. Hasn’t ruled out returning to uni. But basically needs a bit of time to have a think and find himself.

He had to have lifesaving surgery as a teen. Other kids we knew his age have died. I’m just so happy he’s healthy and happy. He has lots of good friends, who are lovely. I’m pleased he lives with me so we can chat regularly and I can guide and support him. I know he’ll do well in life as he’s clever, hard-working, streetwise and kind. As long as he’s happy, I’m happy.

The less frequented, meandering path through life, rather than the crowded intercity motorway most people opt for, is often far richer and character-building. And can certainly end up in conventional ‘success’. I know loads of people who got degree, masters and PhDs later in life or spent years living ‘unconventional’ lives that led them to the conventional ‘success’ they have now.

There is nothing you can do op but in the old days of course that wasn't unusual to settle down earlier.

I wouldn't say a word, however at some point I would mention savings, putting even 10 away whilst the child is young.
If I was you I would also set up some saving for the children, small amounts when young can really snowball.

I'd be concerned about their financial situation and them thinking that having another baby is a good idea in those circumstances. It's their life though, there's nothing you can do.