To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

I simply cannot imagine being embarrassed by my sons that's an awful thing to admit.
He's happy his girlfriend and toddler are happy why can't you be? So what if he not got a high flying career it's not for everyone
Stop being so judgmental and enjoy your granddaughter

@Wetherspoons I'm not talking it down. I would support my kids through it if that is what they want (and of ccourse I will tell them the benefits and try to encourage it). However, one child is thinking about engineering apprenticeships (desperate to work on planes) and the other hates school, I will not force either to go for the sake of it - what is the point?
OP's child hated school, why would you force him to do another 3 year at great expense. Yes, he can go later if he changes his mind, but it's not for everyone.

So he's a dependable family man with a stable job and is happy? No I wouldn't be disappointed in that. He could be unemployed, addict, into crime etc etc, that would be disappointing.

Maybe encourage him to set up his own business?

Posting on here gets you answers from a wide spectrum of lifestyles so read the comments with filtered glasses. Sounds to me like he's gone down a bit of a dead end of his own decision, so for you just love and support the small family, love then for what they are and don't over stress about who you would really want them to be.

FWIW, I totally get your disappointment because in the eyes of the world your son is not a massive success. But I think that's because often totally the wrong things are valued. How many people who are successful on paper are miserable, selfish, and not contributing to the world in any meaningful way? It sounds to me like your son is happy and sensible and living the life he has chosen. I think you can be very, very proud of him. That's not to negate your feelings in a world where he'd have been considered more of a successful if he'd been different or made different choices. But sometimes it's the world that has a problem... Personally I think that to have found a partner he loves, to be raising a family and supporting them, to be able to have his children raised by their own mother if that's what they both want, and to be self sufficient is no small achievement. Other things like holidays and clubs are far less important. Xx

I don't quite understand what it means 'not academic'. You don't have to be academic to go to university. It is something you do with perseverance. You just have to be disciplined, that is all. And actually, you don't have to be crazily disciplined - many medicine and law courses allow re-sits and repeat years. Many family friends are doctors and lawyers - they were neither academic, not particularly disciplined, but they knew they had to do it, it was their parents' choice as the only means of attaining status in our ethnic background. And the parents pushed for this because they knew precisely what it meant to be working in a minimum wage job or run a shop or a take-away, because that is how they worked and lived - what hard life it is with zero chance of advancement.

Your son has chosen his own path and he’s making a good job of it. However, I would be concerned about his non-working partner as that’s a lot of pressure to put on him as the sole provider financially.

If he disliked education, he’s really not going to want to put himself through uni is he? So why even worry about it. People are different and as long as he is happy and getting by, I wouldn’t worry.

You should be proud of him OP, he’s a young man who is providing for his family.

I'm sorry but how on Earth is somebody telling a close family-member's life-story, their own background... translated as sneering at a trade.

I'm sure if AffIt's father-in-law joined this thread and told of his manual work-life and how he "would sooner have chewed one of his own limbs off than have his children lead the life" he led then you'd all be on your extremely high-horses calling him a massive snob.

This. He needs to think long term. If his job is very physical, that’s fine when he’s young and fit but it wears you down by middle age. I’ve spoken with a few middle aged guys in physical jobs who wished they’d planned differently as their jobs exhaust them now. They don’t feel like they can keep working like that but they also can’t think of what else they could do. They fell stuck, unhappy and worried by their futures ( and old age as they also gave no private pensions).

He needs to think of moving up the ranks in his line of work, starting his own business, getting a trade he can do long term ( plumbers’ knees also wear out by mid life).

Whilst I don’t think he has done anything wrong, I would not want this for my child.
In reality the probability of the op’s son and girlfriend staying happily together forever is slim.
This relationship is sadly unlikely to last the test of time. Then what? He will be forever lumbered with an ex who dies not work and at least one child to pay for and look after. This will affect his life forever.
I would be gutted if my teenage child was in this position. I know it could be worse but I would not be over the moon if it was my child. Not in 2024. It’s not the 1950s anymore.

But in this case it sounds like the OP’s son really struggled with school and exams - so why would he force himself into further education to study when it sounds like he just isn’t compatible with that? Doing what OP’s son is doing doesn’t mean his prospects are over - he may find a job where he can learn ok the job and get qualifications that way and it’s ok. Proper study isn’t for everyone and we shouldn’t force everyone into it.

l think OP should be proud she’s brought up what sounds to be a kind, mature and responsible son, who knows what he wants out of life. If he’s happy and content then his choices are only ‘poor’ in the eyes of others. And it sounds as though he cares not one jot. Good on him.

OP I would also be disappointed if I were you. We all have our expectations derived from our own experiences. E.g., the question of "why should he study" is meaningless to me, as it is literally what everyone in my family did since XIXth century.
However, your expectations are only yours at the end of the day. So you need to try make peace with what he is doing with his life at the end of the day. Maybe try a bit of counselling and see if it helps.

I can understand where you’re coming from - it’s not snobbish to hope for your children to have the broader experiences and choices that higher education and a better paid job can sometimes bring (well aware that they don’t always go together). But I definitely think you should be proud of a responsible and hardworking son who knows his own mind. Gently discussing whether he’d be interested in learning a trade, as others have suggested, sounds a good shout. He doesn’t want to pursue an academic path but maybe in his own time he’ll want some change/progression in his work and a bit more financial comfort. Best of luck to him and you all

Being a stone Mason isn't the only trade there are plenty of trades that people can do ,and your the one who keeps banging on about university as though that is the only path a person should take in life

So he has found a partner he loves, has a lovely, healthy child, some good friends, a job he enjoys and a secure roof over their heads.

What exactly is the issue with the above?

He was actually the right thing for him to do if he knew he was struggling with academic study to instead go for a trade and be able to find a job.

I think the problem is yours. Kids are not required to follow the life plans that their parents have made for them and it is entirely your choice to feel disappointed.

I personally think it is sad that you would prioritise the opportunity to 'show off' with your friends rather than your son's real happiness.

But he’s tried studying and it isn’t for him?! You don’t have to do a traditional university route just to provide for your family!

I don’t have a degree - I left school with not very good A Levels and worked all sorts of jobs to get to where I am now, early 30s and out earning a lot of my friends who did go to uni.

there isn’t a one size fits all. And it’s very sad you all seem to think there is.

My husband is in his fifties, works a manual job (and always has) and is so fit. He's downstairs right now doing weights before he goes to work 🤣 so manual work might just be the key to being fit and healthy into retirement.

Good grief, as a really driven person myself I think YABVU. How i wish i could be happy with the average norm like your son! He sounds like he has life sorted - happy with his job and family, works hard and supports them. I thought you were going to say he was 40 and still gaming round the clock in his bedroom at yours living off microwaved burgers 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry but you might have fallen into the trap of using HIS life to tick off more of YOUR OWN goals.

Please don't be disappointed or, if you are, don't ever show it. I was the disappointing one in my family and although my parents never said so I always knew it. I turned my life around but I don't remember my parents ever saying they were proud of me. It sounds as if you have a lot to be proud of in your son - don't forget to tell him!

Ah @EI12 I think we are from the same ethnic background and understand each other. I agree with a lot of what you say. The only way out, indeed.

Also, I am really not sure why loving your partner at 21 should be so much of an achievement to be proud of, given most marriages in this country don't last. But bills endure for life.

He sounds lovely and decent. And happy.

it sounds like he has chosen his path. Are there any future opportunities for progression in the path he has chosen? Manual work is hard on a person and he won’t want to be doing that when he is 60. He sounds certain of what he wants in life and what he wants in life sounds quite simple. I envy him!

The non working girlfriend just wanting to have kids would bother me- not his non academic job!