To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

This is what would bother me. If my children hadn't been academic I wouldn't have pushed them at university. Lots of very successful people don't go. My issue would be he is so young and they will struggle financially. They obviously can't afford another child but like so many will just have one anyway. Most people need both parents working nowadays. To be honest neither seem to have any aspirations. The comments about working mothers seem like a dig at OP who has obviously done her best. How your children live their life is up to them but I think the OP is getting a hard time on here and I don't blame her for feeling disappointed.

I was an "academic" and did uni. I now earn an average in marketing, nothing related to my degree. Load of credit card debt and a loan. My husband left school at 15 with no grades, no credit card debt, a successful business owner.
Academics are not everything in life and grit, good work ethic and common sense get you a lot further in life in my opinion

He sounds lovely and hard working. You cannot lead yourself through your children. It's their choice how they lead it and academic success isn't the be all and end all.

As a PP has said try to encourage him into a trade qualification for stability in the future.

Other than that he sounds like a great young man. Academia isn’t for everyone. He is working hard and supporting his family. I would be proud.

Honestly can’t believe people are saying things like ‘he won’t be able to afford a hernia operation when he’s 60!’ 😂 you do realise that is 39 years away?? Far longer than he’s even been alive. Christ, I’m 34 and starting a career now! He hasn’t peaked at 21 FFS.

They claim no benefits?

I find that hard to believe!

If he's earning enough at 21 to be above the child benefit threshold then he's made the right choice not going to uni!

Even if you mean universal credit you have to earn quite a bit to be above the threshold for a family of 3 with rental costs.

Yes this would be my concerns too in the OP situation.

And the bank of mum and dad would be closed too.

I voted YABU but have similar situation (except I'm the mother of the daughter ) and feel very similar to you. I know I'm being unreasonable.

Indeed it does provide more options, on that note reading some comments from the first few pages crying "snobbery" at OP, I'll laugh if it turns out that OP & family places a high value on education because of the same kind of situation that lots who come from a working-class background have described here.

Education being the route out of poverty and because their own parents, who didn't get the same advantages in life, have insisted upon it to advantage their own kids...

which might have enabled OP to have relatively well financial security and be able to afford send her kid to extra-curricular stuff that would supposedly benefit him, like the ones he claimed to dislike.

OP, if your parents are still alive (hopefully) then what do they think/have they advised?

I actually completely understand where you are coming from. I wouldn’t be happy if DD was pregnant at 19 and in a low paid job. I know that may make me sound like a snob but most parents want the best for their kids and they want them to be financially comfortable and able to have life experiences when they are young.

However, our children aren’t an extension of ourselves, they are their own complete humans and each individual has to find a life that feels worthy to them. The very best we can hope for is that our children lead lives that at the end of they can look back in satisfaction with and say “that was good, I was happy”. After being deeply unhappy myself for a long time I would say the value of a happy life cannot be underestimated. So yes I would be disappointed but I would also try to remind myself my child doesn’t owe me an entire lifetime of living up to my expectations and what I think is a good life isn’t necessarily what she thinks is a good life and I didn’t raise her to be obedient or to bend her neck so easily to what other people want from her.

Also he sounds like a fantastic young man and a good father. Unfortunately that can’t be said for a lot of men out there and you should be proud that he has such a strong work ethic and commitment to his family. This is so important.

I would say though he needs to think about a trade, manual labour isn’t going to feed a family of four.

Indeed or even deciding he's going to need a hernia operation at 60, because they have have determined he will be a kitchen porter at that age!
Who knows what will happen.

Some people meet "the one" first time (some choose to keep looking and regret not recognising that they had it right first go.)

University is not for everyone. (We need people to do manual work). More children (young adults) are looking at university and the 10s of thousands of debt for the sake of it and questionning it's validity now.

Having babies young is hard, but not the end of the world (many regret leaving it too late).

Your son is HAPPY and he's looking after his family (yes it's stressful that money is tight). You can feel how you feel, but I would be proud of him.

Are you insulted/hurt by his comment that "women should stay at home with their children" ?

He has a good work ethic and moral compass, he'll be fine.

This is also true, the body gives out at some point.

I can understand you’re disappointed when not everyone follows your footsteps.

But not everyone wants an academic life… he wants a young family and I simple life. Sounds like a good father and partner.

Your son & GF sound like my parents. Neither academic, left school at 15, Dad a manual labourer, Mum stayed at home to look after us, then did childminding. They were great parents, both grafters and very savvy with money, and never spent much, so could live on what they earned. They've had a wonderful life. They managed to buy a 3-bed semi in a cheap part of the country, 2nd hand caravan meant we had seaside holidays every year, staying in a farmer's field, spent all the holidays walking to various parks nearby - I had a lovely childhood.

I was the opposite of your son though, and turned out to be very academically gifted, surpassed my parents maths & English skills by age 7, got a degree, ph.d. and now a scientist.

From my life experience, the people who get themselves in a real mess financially are not people like your son, it's people who are useless with money (gamblers, spenders etc).

And I now mix with mostly the middle classes, but they don't actually have a better life than my parents had because all the extra money they earn goes on "keeping up with the Jones" eg. Bigger house they don't need, fancy car they don't need, private school fees, which have turned out to be a waste of money, now those children are grown up.

Best comment, honest, straight.

Her son IS providing AND fully supporting his family just fine. She’s the one complaining, so if she’s so upset that he’s not doing extras like exclusive clubs for now, she can pay. Or just not complain!

University is not for everyone. (We need people to do manual work). More children (young adults) are looking at university and the 10s of thousands of debt for the sake of it and questionning it's validity now.
Source: Mummyratbag

80% of UK uni students are better off having had a degree
Source: Institute for Fiscal Studies

https://ifs.org.uk/publications/impact-undergraduate-degrees-lifetime-earnings#:~:text=So%20while%20about%2080%25%20of,they%20not%20gone%20to%20university.

We as a country need to stop with this implicit idea that talking-down the option of University is somehow an egalitarian thing because it's not believe me.

He sounds like a success story to me. Just a different kind of success to your version. The ultimate goal in life is living to your values. Contentment, being happy, glass half full, etc. He has created that for himself and you don't have to worry about him. Don't be embarrassed, be proud of him!
My own son got a first at uni, but it didn't lead to a great job, he has hardly any friends, a useless long distance girlfriend and is on anti depressants. I worry about him every day. I wish my son had what your has!

I agree with you @nosleepforme that holidays abroad and clubs aren't necessary. I didn't have those and did just fine. I do think that planning more children at 21 when you live month to month is foolish.

Somebody has to do those jobs you are sneering at there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing a trade .

Plenty of manual workers may be fucked physically by age 60 but plenty of ‘academics’ are fucked mentally.

Was going to write something similar. Many of my friends who went to university, then carried out post-graduate studies and were career focused in our twenties and thirties missed the boat for having a family. Among those who had children, we mainly had them late.

Thats as maybe but he point is not everyone is academic I don't know why posters can't see that

My DM/DMiL could have written this about me.

I was academic, great grades but fell pregnant at 18 so didn't complete A Levels. my now DH was an apprentice in a garage. Between the ages of 19- 22 when our DD was young we were a bit lost - low paid work, living month to month in a rented flat. We did get married when I was 22. I did work but most of my money went on childcare so financially it didn't make a whole lot of sense.

At 23 my husband got a new job and I went back to college - funded as we were low income. I could do it because DD was now at school and a bit more self sufficient. My college course led to a degree which led to a masters and I now earn nearly six figures. My DH is still in the same job he got at 23!

We bought a house (a do-er upper that's still being my done!) when I was 26. We had another baby when DD1 was 8 - another baby sooner would have scuppered us tbh.

I suppose my point is, don't be disappointed- they are still on their journey and you have a beautiful DGD. You should be proud of a son who sticks by his family despite his young age.