To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

Literally all the posts I see on MN are people complaining that their parents have more money than them and won't hand it over, so I guess happiness and kindness don't always go that far.

Your son sounds amazing - he’s 21 and done all that? We are all degree educated in our family. In fact most of us have post grads and my brother is a uni professor.
But it’s my hubby who did not even do his A levels who is the most successful of all of us. As such a hard worker your son will do well in life.

We’re you raised with strong expectations from your own parents to be academically achieving?

My own parents def raised us this way and we have all struggled.
My eldest sibling bore the brunt and after years of gruelling study achieved every ridiculous high standard set for them, then they had a breakdown for which they are still receiving ALOT of treatment.

My other siblings have all achieved in different ways, we have doctors and professors among us.
Without exception we have all suffered from the upbringing we had, even to the point of wondering exactly whose dreams we were actually fulfilling.
Even with this my parent still lets us know of their disappointment. Clearly their own issue but we carry it for them.

I think you need to step back and examine your own bias.
Have you got these ideas from your own upbringing?
You mention you are embarrassed with your friends, sounds like their is a lot of snobbery at work, maybe look at what your core beliefs really are?

You have raised a son who has forged his own path, deeply loves and supports his child. Huge numbers of people will not get to see these qualities in their children.

Also twenty one is not indicative of how someone’s life has turned out!

The most successful person I know was knocking about waitressing at this age. My friend now has a hugely successful business and lives a wonderful life. Never studied past GCSE.
I believe one of the reasons she is so successful is that she knows herself well and began a business based on her own interests.
Interestingly, she also never had a single ounce of parental pressure or expectation placed on her.
Her parents are very laid back and always just wanted her happy.
No expectation of university etc.

You are being unreasonable and you are wasting time.
You cannot control your son and his decisions.
You can love the fabulous human in front of you, enjoy the gift of time spent with him and his family.

Perhaps you as a grandmother can provide the child holidays and clubs since you have better financial means to do so. I think your son sounds happy and frankly I’d be proud he’s taken his own path instead of doing what was clearly expected of him.

Is there anything you like about him?
he sounds like a good man from these posts but you don’t seem to think he’s good enough.

See, I would prefer not to do that. I expect my DC to either support their own kids or not have them. The second is fine by me. I would be severely disappointed if they looked to me to provide holidays and clubs for their own children.

That said, the way the economy is going, people in trades may well do better than anyone in education if they are enterprising, I guess. Hard to say.

Op your son sounds to have loads going for him, especially that he is a good man and a grafter, so well done on that front. I do know what you mean about education, though. Having a professional career and working for yourself does make such a difference to quality of life and what you can provide your children with. I would be worried about a child of mine on low pay supporting a family but maybe the family will inspire him to earn more and it will work that way around in the future.

He's living his own life on his terms not yours. I think he's grown up one way not liked it and made his own way . I'd be proud he's so independent and happy .

Yes, absolutely, this is the key here. I’ve tried my whole life to live up to my parents’ expectations, never quite making the grade (although that’s nobody’s fault). Happiness comes from the approach the OP’s son has taken: forging your own way and being comfortable with the limitations of your decisions. “Wanting more” can be a very unhappy way to live!

OP, I’d be concerned about the financial aspect too. “Getting by” is all well and good when you’re young and have one baby, but kids get more expensive as they grow, and when there are more of them. Not to mention that unskilled labour is easy enough to get (and do) when you’re young, but finding a good job with no qualifications becomes less likely as we age.

There’s also the fact that he’s working two jobs to support his family - does that mean he’s not home much? That will become harder on his partner when she’s at home with two little ones while her partner works all hours (also, if he’s not exhausted now, he soon will be).

Like apps have suggested, can you encourage him towards a trade? Maybe offer to finance his course? I would gently tell him that having a trade would mean more money and fewer hours than he’s currently doing, so he could spend more time at home. As a family man, that should make it an attractive option.

Is he happy?

Because that means more than all the education, academic qualifications and money in the world.

You can't be disappointed in your son because he's chosen a different life to you. Choose to be proud that he's doing what makes him happy.

This isn’t relevant when they have no assets and we are talking about him on a minimum wage job. She would be entitled to nothing more married as unmarried because they have nothing to share.

You also don’t have the issue of stagnating in her career while he progresses as neither has a career and if she hasn’t worked at all in her adult life and doesn’t have qualifications, she would be going into an entry level role (shop, cafe etc) whether she joins the workforce now or in 10 years.

OP honestly I think they’re living the life they have chosen and standing on their own two feet happily. Yes it’s not what you hoped for them but if they’re managing their own lives and not expecting you to bankroll it, and they’re happy, you need to forget the what ifs and just be proud that he’s capable of love, a strong relationship and has strong morals. They can’t be bought by money or education.

1. I don't think OP' son will approve of the child/children holidays and clubs considering his past statements about how he felt, don't forget there might be one more child or multiple children down the years (considering that he said they want another baby at 21, imagine if they have twins or even triplets or plan to have more children in a few years)
2. OP might not necessarily be able to afford it
3. Imagine if OP's son and his GF fall into a financial blackhole

Who says he's going to be ackitchen porter at 60 needing a hernia operation ,he's 21!

I've seen this in lots of places in-real life and online, hence why you get people's bare-minimumism's like the above.
There seems to be this instinctual shuffle away from having placing a value on education in the UK because of the implicit fear that if you do so, you're highly pressuring your kids and they'll be unhappy whereas there's lots of ways to enable them to excel without them becoming mental-wrecks.

People are wrong, there is a balance.

He sounds lovely and well adjusted. Having a good work ethic and not getting into debt shows he has been brought up well and has a good understanding of what it takes to be an adult. Some people just aren't cut out to be academic or high achieving and that's ok.

I can see where you're coming from op, and your concern seems to be born out of what's best for your dh, but please don't be embarrassed, he's happy and healthy and he seems to have found his place in the world.

For me, the hardest thing about being a parent has been accepting that my children aren't me. They have different goals. Different things make them happy. I cannot make them in my own image. They aren't my second chance at success. They are people in their own right.

I'm still not 100% there. Deep down, I do feel they are "wasting" opportunities to do the things I would have loved to do in their shoes. I keep very quiet about any disappointment I feel. I'm working on myself, and I know I will get there in time.

So no, I don't think you are unreasonable to feel the way you feel. You know your son is doing brilliantly, but it's hard to let go of what we imagine our children will do with their lives.

Is he happy?

it’s his life, not yours!

instead of being disappointed in what he hasn’t achieved, be proud of what he has achieved.

You’re the one I feel sorry for. With all your ologies you have the emotional intelligence of an ant.
You fail to see who is the happiest here: you or your son.

Surely all anyone should want for their child is for them to be happy? He's happy.

He doesn't want his kids brought up the way he was - maybe he's equally disappointed in you?

YABU. Not everyone wants a degree and a high flying job. You state he struggled with his education. Clearly he doesn't want to continue this struggle. He has made a life for himself. It may not be what you imagined but he says he is happy so you need to be happy for him.

His life by definition hasn’t ‘turned out’ to be anything yet! He’s at the very very very beginning of it, he’s 21 for gods sake. Very sad. Sounds like he’s working, got his own accommodation, in a happy relationship and has kids - most importantly he sounds HAPPY. Millions of 21 year olds are still living at home doing none of the above.

Happiness is everything. He sounds happy. Leave him be and deal with your own lack of happiness for him silently

I would be really proud of him. Smacks of the 1960s working class hero here. He and his family will grow into fine people. He has his feet on the ground and his family mean the world to him. Better to have a happy child than some poor little soul made to perform and keep up with societal demands of grown ups.

There is, but he's 21. Formal, academic qualifications are not the only form of qualification.

He's working in a manual job at the moment. There's skills learned there. He can progress that into something else along the way. And being a father with a family to provide for will push him to do so.

My DH is incredibly bright. But not academic. He spent many years being told how he was a disappointment by his family for not "reaching his potential". Part of the reason he fell for me is that I would rather he was happy in his job than earning the big money (don't get me wrong, the big money is nice but if that's something I want, I'll do it). He got himself a steady job he enjoyed with good potential for learning skills so we could live together. Then DD came along and he decided it was time to step up. He is now pretty senior doing what he does and he earns more than either of his brothers.

And he's still happy. It took him longer to get the seniority but he did it his way and in a way that meant he wasn't miserable trying to struggle through classes or exams that don't work for him.

Pressuring people into education isn't the way to get the best from them. Letting them find their place and then gently encouraging the next steps is much better.