To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

I imagine in 20 years time or thereabouts, his children might be trying to do the exact opposite of what he's done with essentially the same kind of motivations that he described to his own mother which has clearly had an impact on his own way of life.

I suppose that'll ironically bring it full-circle and is what parenting is all about really, patterns and impacts that directly or indirectly ripple across the generations (even the ones that you don't know about yet because they don't exist).

I totally understand OP, I’m a high achiever and would find it difficult if my children didn’t push themselves like I always have done/ do in everything I take on. However, that is tough as I’m always striving and never really happy or satisfied, I envy people who are content with their job, life and don’t need to constantly strive. He sounds like a great dad, partner and person and that is more important than a uni degree. I always said that if I was handy I’d start a manual job type of business as you’d never be short of work and can be very successful. Maybe he’d like to run his own business? I think as parents you can always encourage your children but not be judgemental or try to completely change who they are. If they manage with his partner not working, well let them, a stay at home mum is hard work and the best job in the world, she might want to work when the children are older.

God OP, posts like this fill me with rage.

What, truly, does your son owe you? What responsibility does he have to fulfil any expectations or hopes you have of him? And why do you have any ambition for him other than for him to be happy?

He isn’t a project, he isn’t a means for you to show off to your friends, he isn’t a reflection of you. Children aren’t slot machines where you can input upbringing and expect your vision of success to fall out. You have no right to be disappointed in him.

The fact that he is happy and well and works hard and has a loving relationship and a family and a home and you feel disappointment because that isn’t a specific version of success you had for him is shocking.

You are damned if you encourage your children towards education and children later in life if at all, you are damned if you don't. Still sticking with the first though. Affords more options.

I suppose the silver lining, OP, is that your son and his GF sound frugal and hardworking. A good thing.

I'd also have been upset about my 19 year old becoming a father and I'd worry he isn't up to the responsibility. About his job aspirations I can see why this isn't what you'd hoped for either. But he's making his own way in the world. Plenty of older adults make decisions that don't work out and at the moment he seems happy and he's committed to his family. Luckily men can earn a decent wage without going to university, especially if he gets a trade. They will be young enough to change direction and retrain, they have energy for young children. Many of your friends children will be stressed out and miserable in jobs after they graduate, working for years in roles they don't really want and can't escape. Be proud your son has made his own path and don't alienate him.

I despair when I see posts like this.
He's his own person, living his life, not a project for you to develop or control.

This. He is alive and well. He has a partner who loves him and a child. You have a grand child. Your son is working and making a happy life for himself.
Count your blessings.

If you allow me, I shall tell you why most people are obsessed about education, I have two uncles, same parents they have, but you would never think it. One became a radiologist with all the trappings - mega wealthy, etc. The other was travelling round the world, doing odd jobs, then became a waiter, and now at 60 he is a 'food preparation assistant', no money, no private pension, lives in social housing, divorced, can't even give a decent present to his grandchildren not because he is mean, which he is not, but because he lives in poverty. They had the same intellectual capacity, and what a different outcome.

Just because people don't go to university doesn't mean they are going to be living in poverty, your uncles are two very extreme examples.

I think he sounds great OP. I work with a lot of new graduates and honestly the sense of entitlement that seems to prevail at the moment is exhausting. Your son sounds refreshing and much more mature than many of his peers. His choices are entirely valid and I respect him for not being overly influenced by our 'more more more' culture.

I would only be encouraging him to think about how he can increase his earning potential in the context of the life he has chosen / wants to keep building. Living pay check to pay check won't help to support a stable family life for the long term, which is clearly important to him.

Alternatively, if you have the financial scope and have not had the layout of university costs etc. that you might have otherwise had, would you be willing to help them with a house deposit, or something else that could help them to build more financial security? To me that seems to be the only concerning point about their current setup.

Personally, I am obsessed about education because I am Asian and come from a culture that values education. It was our only way out of poverty and up the ladder in a workplace that was prejudiced against us.

I am baffled by posters who are filled with rage at this. I think there is a great deal of glamorisation of poverty and low aspirations on MN, but at the same time I see parents are expected to provide house deposits, childcare, inheritance and other things because things are so hard for the current generation. I hope OP's son won't regret his decision in a few years time, but I am pretty sure the same posters will expect OP to support him if he gets into difficulties.

That said, DD is studying in a field she is passionate about, but likely will not make a high wage, rebelling against our family convention. She is frugal so I guess she will get by. I would be furious if she had been pregnant by 18 however.

OP I get it I think I would feel the same deep down. However if he’s happy that’s all that matters, if had been academic and got a job he hated / was depressed you would be worried too. He’s only young and got time to get a better job (if he wants)

Exactly this, most people who are very pro-education are actively so because of the practical, visible and tangible effects on life not because of 'status' or anything else.

'Not everyone is cut out for education' but more people are than that often-wilted out phrase would implicitly suggest and then there are those who are failed by the education system who otherwise would've excelled but will never ever get the chance in life to know now- hence why I'm a big believer in that adult-education should be restored and why Governments should treat it as a priority.

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2019/jan/15/century-adult-education-tossed-aside

Is he happy?
Is he kind?

That's all that matters

If he’s in trades he can make serious money rather than getting by.

Dd went to school with a girl who was an only dc and put into nursery and before and after school clubs.
At 18 she too left education and had a family very quickly.

I think it’s incredibly sad that some dc spend their precious childhood mostly being cared for by strangers.
I know that it’s often the only choice for many parents though.

@JemimaPuddleduck7 your dgc are very fortunate imo.

If you are aa educated as you say you are
Surely you must know that everyone is academic ,or has the capacity to go to university?
You might have Bern furious if your dsughter was pregnant at 18 and admittedly it's less than ideal but the Ops son and his partner chose to keep the child and are doing OK.

Depending what exactly his job is he could still be in a well paid job one day. I have worked in 2 factories as general op. I worked my way up to being a supervisor at one. Within a few months at the next one I was training to be a team leader.

I did well at school but found college to not be for me so didn't bother with university. My brother wasn't very good at school but trained to be a bricklayer and is paid very well

Thank you. That is beautiful

There's that old adage "not everyone is academic"- you see it almost everywhere in response to a statement that's even remotely values education.

Where and when has anybody ever claimed ever that "everybody is academic"?

When one is 60 and is effectively a kitchen porter and needs a hernia operation from all the heavy lifting, but one is not available on the NHS without a 3-year wait in that locality, suddenly the £4K becomes very important, but where to get it? Then happiness and kindness, though very important, stop taking centre stage.

Just because his life goals aren't inline with yours, it doesn't make him a disappointment. He seems to be a lovely, committed family man, they would be the attributes I would be focusing on. What a shame for your son.

One of my DDs who is at uni now has struggled badly with her mental health over the years. She is academic, but was so unhappy at school and is just enduring uni. She has admitted that all she wants in life is to be a mum, she loves children and is so good with them. She volunteers with a young children's charity, but we've always steered her away from childcare as a job, because it's so poorly paid.

I was at home with my kids a lot, they didn't go into wrap around childcare, not by intention, but one child is disabled and we took on extra children who weren't ours, so I was home more. DD has always said she hated it when she wasn't home and wants to be at home for her children, but doesn't see how it is financially possible. I was unhappy as a child as my mum had to work all the hours under the sun.

I worry so much for her, more than any of the other kids. I do wonder if I should have just let her quit school at 16, she was desperate to do so at the time. I've always said to her that you need to be able to support yourself and any children you might have, but I do wonder if that was the right thing to do. Her health would be far better if she'd done what your son's gf had done.

He's made his choice.

So many men are abusive and nasty I'd just be happy if I'd raised one who wasn't!