To ask why you have just one child?

[WeWillRockEwe]

I am asking for some traffic. No judgement. If you have one child - how come you didn’t have more?

Btw before I have to edit - I can imagine many reasons why people might have one child only but I’m here today to ask people rather than guess/assume ❤️

1. I don’t enjoy the servitude of parenting: arse wiping, snack making, parks, soft play, uniform sorting, the list is endless and most of it I see as dogsbody work.
2. We find our mortgage affordable and live in a nice area in London in a 4 bed, I didn’t want to compromise on space or move to find a 5 bed.
3. Private school fees would have been unaffordable for us for 2 children.
4. With 2 parents and 1 kid we are able to give each other time to ourselves, by going man on, man off.
5. The planet is overcrowded and global warming/climate change is an issue that isn’t being tackled sufficiently- throwing more humans into the mix isn’t a solution to this.
6. I’m 43 and don’t fancy a stressful pregnancy- prior to this, I didn’t fancy 2 kids under 3 years old.
7. Montessori nursery fees round our way are the cost of the mortgage- didn’t want to totally change our lifestyle to afford them.
8. We only get support from my mother in terms of assistance with childcare, once I worked out grandparent help would be very minimal, wasn’t up for doing lots/most of the holiday/term breaks graft alone.
9. I found pregnancy and early years very lonely and boring.
10. Free to pursue my career goals again, without any sense of guilt or conflict.

Thank you for creating this thread, I’m looking forward to reading and understanding others reasons.

I’m so with you on that one 😂

That’s absolutely fine, but no one should be shamed for not enjoying those bits. I enjoy adult activities like galleries, restaurants and pubs.

I don’t think it’s always an age thing. We are mid twenties but currently only want one. For us it’s about opportunities we can provide, both now and long term, and also knowing our own limits and thinking about the best interests of all 3 family members. (Not feeling spread thin, time for dates with DH, DH has time to pursue sport, DD can do any activities or clubs she likes, we can all afford holidays).

Broke up with his dad when he was 1.

Never really had time for another relationship.

Then discovered ds has send.

Remained single still.

Then discovered it's genetic and I carry faulty gene with 50% chance of passing it on.

Remained single still.

Then developed adenomyosis so decided to have a hysterectomy as felt it was past the point I'd have even more even with genetic counselling

I always wanted 6. My mum was 1 of 7.

But I've been happy with my DS and he's had so many opportunities he may not have had if we hadn't been just the 2 of us.

Life has a weird way of working out!

God where do I start 🫣
• had a very traumatic pregnancy and birth (pre-eclampsia, maternal shock during childbirth)
• crippling postnatal depression and PTSD that I very almost ended my life to
• my little boy had his leg amputated at 1 years old
• zero support/village (I do have an amazing partner, but his family are abroad and mine are crap)
• now worried the age gap would be too big (6 years +) and they won't have a close bond as children

So yeah everything about having another baby gives me the fear! Although I absolutely would love another one I think about it every single day

I too don’t think it’s to do with age. DSis and DB both had their respective (only) child in their late 20s and are not having anymore.

I do think the size of the family you grew up in plays a role though. We are one of 4 kids and our house was chaos growing up. Consequently, two of us are child-free and the other two have one child each.

Bless you. So shit isn’t it! Well done for getting out

I have one. I'm sticking with one, I'm not happy about that as I did want two. Reasons:
Terrible pregnancy and awful labour.
After that experience, and I was only 29, I'm left with physical pain and I'm already worn out.
The help and support I was offered during pregnancy is almost non existent.
The cost.
The lack of space.
DS is autistic, don't think he'd cope with such a huge change that would potentially mean moving house.
I can give DS holidays, days out, pay for clubs, give him a great birthday and Christmas and give him every moment of my spare time. With another child, he'd have to share all of that.
I found the baby stage easy, because he was an easy baby. Not all babies are the same and I've heard some horror stories. I like to sleep and feel slightly sane.

It was blindingly obvious to us that we couldn’t afford to pay three mortgages for once (one for house and 2 for childcare). Covid also happened whilst our child was 2 years old, leaving us with no childcare at all. We aren’t eligible for additional hours, only the 20 you get free, so financially it was too much of a stretch. However, later on, when we didn’t get our chosen state school place, we had the financial autonomy to afford a good private school, which has seen our DD blossom into an educated and brilliant child. I WOULDN’T CHANGE A SINGLE THING.

Do you mind me asking if you have a career? Maybe it’s the balancing I find hard.

My decision was based on my mental health and then physical health. I had an awful pregnancy with mental health issues and pre eclampsia. Her birth and early years were so traumatic there was no way I could so it again. Money wasn't a factor as I was a SAHM and we were fine, so I could have had more but the trauma of it all was too much.
Now, she's late teens and has THE most expensive hobbies possible so I'm rather glad we only had one 🤣

Had DD at 19 with my first husband and he was a wanker so didn’t want another one. We then divorced and didn’t meet my lovely DH until I was 32. He’d sadly had a vasectomy a year earlier. We discussed a reversal but, by the time we would have got married, DD would have been about 15/16 and I didn’t want to start again so to speak. We decided just to focus on the kids we already had and make the most of our life even if it didn’t involve a much longed for child of our own.

Had a miscarriage before DC. It was so physically taxing on my body and so emotional had to wait months before trying again. I am certain I had PND but was too overwhelmed to make it to the doctor. It was all consuming for months. I was so isolated too, couldn’t make it to a mum’s group (I really wanted to), but had no drive. My baby fussy cried for months. I spent days and days sleep deprived and emotional and exhausted with no help. Some days the only people I spoke to was those in drive thru. My DH and I were fighting all the time. I have no close family or friends and our parents are too elderly to help (also live far away, can’t drive). I never had help with the baby from my mum for example, to have held baby while I folded laundry. Or just had someone come over and make me a cup of tea and ask how I am.

It’s different now DC is a toddler and I’m back at work and feel a bit like my old self.

I can’t be that woman I was those first few months again, I don’t think I could survive it.

Because it took us ten years, multiple miscarriages and a lot of heartache (not to mention money) to have just the one. Had we been dealt a different hand I'd probably have wanted half-a-dozen (only slightly joking), but as it is, the one we have is wonderful, the light of my life and everything I had ever hoped for.

@Meadowfinch - exactly the same here, life is so much easier and happier without him in it.

I was 38 when he was born and decided a child in my 40's wasn't for me (us)

Causes alot of mum guilt for me this, as I feel exactly the same as the person you quoted.

I just don't enjoy all the 'little kid' stuff. Days with my 4 year old I almost dread because I know I'm going to have to take her to a playground or swimming or something. I like going out for coffee and pursuing my hobbies, 'adult stuff'.

I feel guilty for it sometimes but I still force myself through it, I'm just not as 'present' with my daughter as I perhaps should be. I'm on my phone a little too much and my head is always elsewhere, so I don't fully engage with her.

One of the reasons I've stuck with one. Parenting just isn't really 'my thing'. Like another poster said, I had a child to see what all the fuss was about really. Love my daughter dearly of course, but yea.

I'm an only child because my parents were unable to conceive a second time.

Because I was diagnosed with cancer when DS was one and I had to have a hysterectomy.

I went through an intense grieving period and mourned the loss of my fertility, but honestly life now is good. Our DS is wonderful and we enjoy giving him our time and attention. We can afford to go on nice holidays, don't need to stress about buying a bigger house etc. We both have time to enjoy exercise and our own hobbies.

It was me. Your words could be mine too. I’ve come to terms with the concept that parenting doesn’t suit everyone, children are very different as are adults, there may be mums who can give themselves to motherhood more wholly than I can. I’ve learned to try and share the things I love with my child, to be the best I can at the bits I hate, and have the wisdom to know the difference.

Both quite old by the time I managed to get pregnant and have the first DC.

Work and therefore income and security turbulence delayed trying for no 2.

Unexpected pregnancy in that time that didn't stick panicked us both and set trying for no 2 back a bit longer.

Finally tried briefly for no 2 but knew we were out really.

Took a few years but now very content family of 3.

Our daughter was premature, and now has cerebral palsy. By the time we felt able to cope with a second it was too late. I was gutted.

But now she is a teenager, she takes everything I have to give. I have a brilliant relationship with her, far better than I had with my mum as a teenager. My mum had 3 teens to deal with and worked full time. She didn't have time to build a strong relationship with 3 of us.

The added bonus is, we can afford to give her everything she needs as a disabled child to ensure she isn't disadvantaged. There is no doubt she is thriving more because of that.

The birth of my son was quite traumatic and to be honest, he was a difficult baby up to 18 months (although, of course, very much loved and wanted).

I have a very demanding job as a teacher (and now head of a core subject) and DH also works. He used to teach but gave up when DS was 2 for health reasons. We could afford for him to work for himself, flexibly, which supported his health and means he can do school runs etc for DS.

So, time was also a big factor - we can give ds enough time and attention despite how busy life is in term time.

Money as well- we are very fortunate to be comfortable financially and I wouldn't want to be over stretched. We can afford for ds to do activities etc. We can afford to take him away - we are not extravagant but even things like a nice cottage in the Lake District doesn't always come cheap.

DS is 10 now so we are applying for secondary. Unfortunately, our local state option has gone downhill and I didn't like it at the open eve. We are lucky that we can afford to send ds private but no way could I afford that for 2 or more.

I was one of 3 and although I get on with my brother, my sister and I have never got on and she was very nasty growing up (still is- we don't speak now) so I was conscious of bringing another child in to the mix who may not get along with ds.

We (ds included) love our little unit of 3. We do a lot together, our house is calm and peaceful. I honestly wouldn't want it any other way.