To ask why you have just one child?

[WeWillRockEwe]

I am asking for some traffic. No judgement. If you have one child - how come you didn’t have more?

Btw before I have to edit - I can imagine many reasons why people might have one child only but I’m here today to ask people rather than guess/assume ❤️

I didn't meet ds' dad until I was 42. Had DS at 45. Having another would have been unrealistic and risky, and anyway ex morphed into a nasty controlling person as soon as DS was born. I tried for two years to persuade him to act normally, but it was getting out of hand so DS & I had to leave.

Was told I’d probably never have children . Met my son’s father and fell pregnant but then we spilt up . I would have loved a little girl but it just never happened. I’m grateful I at least have one child .

We tried for a second baby but I miscarried every time and then Covid hit so I couldn't access infertility treatment. I'm too old now and tbh I don't want another child so perhaps it was meant to be!

@Donotneedit I'm sorry that happened to you. You aren't the only one.

After ds' dad being a normal affectionate person for three and a half years, he changed overnight. We were still in the maternity unit after a slow & difficult delivery. DS was 3 days old. Staff nurse said we could go home the next day. Ex stood up, shrugged, said 'I'm busy tomorrow, you'll have to wait.' and walked out.

That was the start. The staff nurse asked if there was 'anything I wanted to tell her.' I remember being embarrassed, angry and bewildered. It deteriorated from there.

Why do they do that? 🙁

The most important is that I just don't want one, and don't feel the need to add anything to our family. It's complete as it is. We are in a good place where he's independent and very chill. But also:

Finances/logistics: we could afford a second, but would be on a strict budget. With one child, we can afford anything now and in future. I don’t want to have to say no or be stressed juggling two schedules for after school activities.

Mental health: the newborn stage was the worst of my life. I don't want to take the risk that I couldn't handle a toddler and a newborn.

Other: I don't want to divide my time and everything else between two children, or miss time with one child to “divide and conquer”. Neither of us want to have to solo parent two kids to give the other time alone. I hated my own sibling so I don't see them as inherently valuable as a concept. I don’t want to do the baby stage again.

Because dh's chronic severe mental illness took a nosedive with the broken sleep of ds's babyhood and tbh although he had further patches of recovery and stability, essentially he deteriorated from that point until his death when ds was 14. It has been hard as ds was born to be a brother and would have loved a sibling, but there's such a thing as the art of the possible.

I'm an only and I had a wonderful childhood.
I didn't want any until I was 32.
I was lucky with an easy pregnancy - didn't want to risk a second.
Mat leave was shit.
DS is amazing but also the most energetic, loud, outgoing person I know and I don't have the capacity to parent 2 of him! And he still gets up in the night at nearly 6!

Re: finances, you can't spreadsheet it. Yes, nursery is expensive, but if I had another now I'd probably be part time at work for another 5 years, we'd need a bigger house so would pay £1000s more in interest on a mortgage, we'd need a bigger car and obviously about 20 years of bigger supermarket shops. With one we can pay for holidays and 3 weekly activities pretty easily.

Age, post-natal depression and lack of support. Never again.

We had to have 4 years of IVF treatment. It worked on our 5th go so I counted my blessings and didn't try again. 🥰

Simply that motherhood has not come naturally to me and I could not cope with more than one

I have one adult DD. I wanted more but exH did not and the marriage was not good, so in a way I am glad I don't have any further connection with him. I didn't have a very good experience of labour and having a baby/toddler with him.

Having just DD meant that I could do things with her that it would have been difficult to do with more DC, especially once I was divorced. It also meant I could more easily provide for the two of us.

I have a long term partner now, he is amazing and we would have been wonderful parents together. He also has a grown only, who I can't count myself as stepmum to, but who I would do anything for. I'm 44 now, so no babies together in our future, but we channel that energy into our very spoiled pets.

I would have had more children and less career given my time again.

An incredibly traumatic birth following a terrible pregnancy. I also really only truly started to enjoy DC once they went to high school (away at uni abroad now). I love my own, but I’m not a fan of kids in general!

I was quite serious and quiet myself as a child, and preferred sitting and listening to adults or reading/colouring. I can’t remember ever really ‘playing’ so I found it difficult to play with my own plus I really struggled with the noise and mess and disruption!

Lack of maternal desire, cost. My son is 21 now, he’s amazing and I love spending time with him. I can support him financially as he establishes himself in a way I couldn’t if I had another child.

I found parenting hard. I have a very strong willed child who is a drama lama and am honestly knackered at the end of everyday. Can't imagine having another kid to cater for. He was hard work as a baby and hard work as a primary aged child. I love him very much but am done.

Because they’re no longer the centre of attention. Sorry you had to go through that and well done for getting out. What a cunt.

Quality of life. Financially we can ensure a good standard of living for us all with just one and help them when they are an adult.

Also everything about conceiving (IVF), pregnancy, substandard care when giving birth, trauma as a result, baby health issues failed by NHS - nothing could persuade me to go through that again.

1. Got pregnant very easily aged 40. No problems with pregnancy, baby in perfect health, decided not to push our luck.
2. could afford to give DC a much better start in life if resources not split with a sibling. Buying somewhere with another bedroom would be a stretch, also planning for support through university, etc.
3. The early years are very hard and I'm not sure I can work to the level I need to, and be there for existing DC in the way they deserve while also caring for a second one properly.
4. We rely on family support for me to work. Asking our aging parents to do that for an extra few years for DC2, and be looking after two, not just one, is a bit cheeky. They'd do it, but it would not be fair to ask, esp since they have started to develop heath problems in the last couple of years.

I found the baby years so hard and I really wasn’t a nice person when I was getting minimal sleep.

I hated being pregnant, had a horrible labour and birth and ex-DH absolutely did not step up like he said he would when I agreed to try for a baby. I adore DS but parenting did not come naturally to me and I really struggled.

My DH and I like our space and our hobbies. Our DD slots into our life and is so easy, always has been. It's a calm house.

Another would most likely throw all that out the window, and I'd be questioning why on earth we did that to ourselves.

Multiple early miscarriages.

We could have done more than we did to keep trying, but weren't desperate enough for a second to do so.

10 years on and there are multiple reasons why I'm happy with one. I no longer feel sad about it. The biggest issue for me is that I felt very guilty for not giving my DC a sibling. But we did try so the guilt has faded too.

No judgement on anyone here but i do wonder if more people starting families older contributes to the knackeredness many express. Older mums, older dads, ageing grandparents who can't cope /lack the energy to help in an active way. I say this from the perspective of my sister having had kids 5 years younger than i did, at age 26 vs age 31, and she coped much better energy wise than i have. My parents also managed much better with her children for being 5/6 years younger and were more able to help her.

I didn't want any more. I didn't feel I could cope with 2 or earn enough money to support more.

My marriage broke up shortly after my DD was born and I had a nightmare persuading my ex to leave. By the time that was sorted I was in my early 40s and single with a demanding FT job.

To be honest though I am very happy with just one and am glad that I didn’t have more.

I'm sorry it’s an awful way to start isn’t it, our story is strangely verging on identical. my exes behaviour cast a gloomy shadow over our lives, for so long, time we will never get back. It’s so wrong.

In retrospect I think the sudden change of behaviour probably comes down to anxiety which then leads to attempts to control. and then shame and defensiveness - a vicious cycle can immediately spring up.