If you have never had a daughter?

[Justbecauseidid]

I was having a conversation with a neighbour earlier who has 5 sons and no daughter. She often expresses how she would have loved a girl. She then went on to say those who only get to experience the one sex will never get the chance to experience full motherhood. As in they would never know what is it to mother a daughter or vice versa.

It got me thinking...

Those of you with boys, would you like a daughter and those with girls would you like son?

I suppose she has a point about having a full rounded experience of motherhood.
It got me thinking.

Well I have a son and a daughter. I imagined my daughter would be like me and my sisters, and we'd go shopping together and love afternoon tea etc. however she is autistic and likes none of those things - which is fine because she's her own person.

When we were thinking about having a second child DH wouldn't agree unless I was certain I didn't mind another boy (I'm from a girl heavy family so girls are my frame of reference) so it's something I've thought about a lot. And genuinely each child is unique and no child should be born to fill a gap or take on a role for the parents

There are some physical differences and I do think we live in a pretty gendered society so, on aggregate, bringing up girls is probably somewhat different from bringing up boys.

But there are so many other differences between children that thinking anyone will have experienced all of motherhood - no matter how many children of whatever sexes you have - is bonkers.

I think you are spot on there.

I have one DC - my son - and won't be having any more. I love him so much and wouldn't change him for the world; I love being his Mum.

Didn't find out what I was having and felt no disappointment.

That’s crazy, that’s like saying if you don’t parent every different child in the world then you don’t experience full motherhood. I have two very different children, both girls. I have never once thought I want to have another one in the hope I have a boy.

I suppose she has a point about having a full rounded experience of motherhood.

I disagree. Motherhood can be all sorts of experiences and no one can experience them all.
Does someone with one child have a "full rounded" experience when they've "missed out" on having multiple children?
Has someone with two children missed out on the experience of having more? Or missed out on the experience of just having one?

I don't know what it's like to parent a boy, or to parent twins, or to parent anyone other than the specific children that I have. If one of my DDs had been a boy, I still would only have experience parenting those specific children.

BTW I am very girly/feminine and my mum is not

I have both. I genuinely had no preference either way in any pregnancy. I'm very glad I have both. They are adults now and the experience of being mother to men and to women is different. More so than when they were children. I think I have a full experience of motherhood as its the only one ive had and i have no comparator, so its full to me. Which would be exactly the same if they were all one sex. How do any of us compare when the only experience we have is our own?

I love having boys. Could not imagine it any other way. I feel curious about having a girl but not enough to try a third time! This is is her opinion and stems from her obvious disappointment. I think there is no such thing as ‘full motherhood’ as that suggests there is one gold standard version. If you have a child you have experienced motherhood, and everyone’s experience is different whether you have the same set up (number or sexes etc of kids) or not.

I wanted a boy. Had a girl. I couldn't imagine anything different now. I dont want any more children and don't long for a boy. I now feel that if I'd had a boy first, I'd want another to have a girl but i think that feeling only comes from my experience of having my girl and our bond. In reality, if I'd had a boy first, I'd probably feel the same way about him as I do my daughter and be happy with just the one child.

I have one of each. It doesn't matter what gender the child - no two kids are the same. Even if you have identical twins, you don't get "identical" kids. At best, if kids are all the same gender, you need fewer bedrooms and have more hand-me-downs... in the early years, at least.

I think motherhood is loving your child regardless of sex, hair colour, eye colour, height - all things that don’t constitute a personality. Personally I hate gender stereotypes and I think they cause nothing but pain to everyone.

Well said! I’d feel sorry for any daughter this stupid woman had because the pressure on her to be a certain girlish way would be immense. It’s probably good she doesn’t have one.

Ive got two sons, never ever wished for a girl. I would have of course loved a daughter if I’d had one but I feel so blessed to have two healthy, bright, kind, loving children.

I think considering that many people struggle with infertility or have children with life limiting health issues or severe disabilities it’s pretty damn insensitive to be wanging on about whyyyy didn’t I get a girl?

So stupid

I desperately wanted a girl. Had ds. I was hugely upset because I was young and immature. Plus just because the universe works that way, I was one of eight pregnant at the same time in my friendship group... And all the other seven had girls.

I then had DTwins. Boy and girl. My girl is nothing like I thought a girl would be. And actually boy twin is the absolute apple of my eye. But it's only by having my daughter that I realise it truly makes no difference. If I didn't have her, I'd probably still be longing for the illusion of what I thought a daughter was. And it is just that, a silly illusion. She's a quirky, incredibly bright, crafty scruff bag who loves pink, but only if it's spider related. And I wouldn't want her any other way. Well. Maybe with willingly brushed hair.

I actually feel incredibly guilt at the intense love I have for littlest ds when I think of the contrast to his elder brother when I first had him.

So yes, I do get what the woman was saying, but only because that's a reflection on her as a mother, as I felt the same at one point. And looking back it was probably undiagnosed depression.

Two boys and happy as Larry. Our boys are wonderful people, i could not have hoped for more...

3 girls, no sons, no regrets , wouldn't have it any other way. I think I'd feel the same if I'd had 3 boys tbh that's my attitude to life really.

The OP didn't say that she's a 'boy mum/girl mum'. It's the neighbour who has 5 boys and would have loved a girl.

It would be different if the neighbour had boys and girls and said that to someone who only had boys or girls.

I have 1 son and won't be having any more children.

I feel like my experience as a mother is very much a complete one.

I have two girls and they both have very different characters. I never really thought about having a son as we stopped at two kids. I've now got two grandsons so chances are most people will end up parenting/grandparenting both genders.

Same here. Often wonder but never with regret for not having one.

I'm not very girly so was happy when I had 2 boys. I loved it, even the Thomas the Tank Engine and general train obsessions and indulged it all. Then they got to the age where they didn't want to go out much with me in the holidays any more to do kid type activities and gradually became much more interested in chatting/watching football or going to the match with their dad, or spending all their time on the xbox or PC with their mates playing more grown up games. I used to like doing things like wii sports etc with them when younger, or playing box games and that, but then they got obsessed with Minecraft and Fortnite and then other games for older teens/adults. They stopped reading and I missed our conversations about books (we had read the whole of Harry Potter together when they were about 11 and I took them on my own to Harry Potter Studios one Christmas which we all loved. DH wasn't interested in HP at all so didn't get involved in the reading or studios trip).

For a while they did sitll want to watch some TV shows with us that we also liked (loved watching Breaking Bad for a second time, with them), but then they gradually just wanted to spend time doing their own thing or with mates.

I mean, that's all normal and healthy and fine, but the time that they DO then spend with you it would be nice if wasn't mostly football talk. Their dad loves it, obviously, but I often feel a bit left out. I guess it's the mid-late teen stages that the girl/boy differences become more apparent. I watch other mums with late teen daughters enjoy things like watching Strictly with them, or other telly pap, or go to gigs with them, or shopping trips or enjoy doing their rooms up with them. Or they like having the fashion or makeup advice from their daughters. And chats about boys or just life generally. Whereas my boys can't stand the likes of Strictly, they like different music now like rap, they aren't interested in fashion or shopping, their rooms are a tip and they don't care, and they don't do deep chitchat about their life - just facts. They have turned into your average bloke!

I'm often reminded how my dad must have felt when my sister and I were teenagers. When we were pottering around 10 different gift shops on holiday looking for the perfect bracelet or ring, he used to take himself up the street and have an explore - in hindsight he was probably bored shitless at the thought of yet another gift shop but he never complained, just took himself off quietly for an explore up the street till we were finished.

Nah - load of twaddle.
I have 2 girls and a boy and I have different things in common with each of them. They are people, not gender stereotypes.

4 boys and couldn't give less of a shit. I'd feel the same if I had 4 daughters.

She's talking out of her arse

Growing up i always wanted a boy and a girl, ironically ended up finding out i was infertile and needed IVF. We had a boy eventually, and i was thrilled regardless of his gender. A few years later we got another successful round and i was instantly met with “ohh do you hope its a girl this time?” To be struck the realisation that despite what id “dreamed” growing up, i wanted another boy!! I would have been great-full either way but something had shifted and i wanted another boy, and he was!

What utter nonsense!