Does anyone else not really have any friends?

[Hernamewaslola22]

Wondering if it's just me. I have friends at work and 1 or 2 out of work...we very very rarely do anything together. I spend most weekends completely alone. I feel like most women have these big groups of girlfriends.

Your post made me realise that I too work really hard at maintaining my friendships, which are numerous. It’s not luck that I have a lot of friends - it takes effort!

I text at least 10 different friends over a week, and I’m in a constant WhatsApp conversation with several. Every weekend I will try to meet up with at least 1 friend/set of friends, but will often meet up with 2, especially in summer when everyone is more up for socialising.

Yes takes alot of effort. I focus on 3 friends now as feel others are just time wasters. As pp said you get tired always being the one to plan things.

I've phased out all of my 'duty friends' over the past few years - people you were friends with once but now only keep in touch with because you've known them so long for an annual catch up. Because all it becomes is an information exchange about each other's lives that you're no longer part of and, tbh, I'm not really interested in that.

See, I don't think of people like that as a 'duty' or burden. I consider people friends that unfortunately we aren't able to see that often due to current life circumstances.
My dc are all adults now, and over the last 15 or so years, since they have been old enough to leave, without having to factor in getting babysitters etc, we've rekindled lots of friendships that were 'on hold' for the 15 years prior to that when life was hectic with jobs, and little children, and money was tight too.
I'm very glad I kept in touch when we didn't see each other a lot and we now meet up more often.

@Comedycook

One thing I find tricky about making friends is trying to work out if someone is open to the idea of having a new friend.

I tried to respond to your earlier question about this, I am not sure if you saw it or what you thought of it? But I think the point is that it doesn’t matter if the person is “open to the idea of having a new friend”. That isn’t really a thing.

No one is intrinsically “open” or “closed” to the idea. It’s fluid and it depends on lots of factors including the individual you meet and the circumstances that you find yourself in.

You don’t go into a casual social interaction thinking “I do/don’t want a friend.” You just chat and meet someone and see what happens.

A lot of people seem to be approaching this with the idea that a friendship is a one shot opportunity. It’s not like that. It’s an iterative process with many steps along the way. People don’t tend to have such fixed ideas about what they want from these interactions.

Does that make sense?

With knowing you at all obviously I think you might find this easier if you had a more relaxed approach to this.

I agree @Thepeopleversuswork — it’s not as though people hang out a flag when they’re ‘open for friendship’. I’ve got a comparatively busy life, 52, FT job, a 12 year old, a DH who travels a lot for work, ageing parents, an ongoing house renovation, various commitments, and I have a fair few friends who are very important to me, but am always open to meeting new people I like.

I agree too with your point about some people stopping using their social muscles once they ‘settle down’, which I think risks disaster. DH and I are very strong, but our marriage works in part because we both have other sources of fun and support as well as one another. But, while we’ve both kept up with friends from a long time ago (we just got back from holiday with old friends we’ve lived in a different country from since 2000), we’ve had to exercise our social muscles as we’ve moved around a lot. Our last move was international and just before Covid, so I think I’m certainly still figuring stuff out socially here.

@SeaweedSundress

Totally. I saw this happen to my mum: she went from being a glamorous, professional woman in her 20s and 30s to basically having no friends because she put all her eggs in the “marriage basket”.

It was honestly disastrous for her mental health and by the end of her life she was bitter and isolated.

One of the most important lessons I want to teach my daughter is to never ever throw away your friends because you think marriage is enough. Even a great marriage will never fulfill all your needs. I would prefer my daughter remain single for life than that she retreat into a closed and isolating marriage.

Yesterday I got an invitation from a neighbor I hadn't yet met to come over for our dogs to play together. We met on a dog walk and instantly seemed to click. So I'm very pleased about that.

The one thing I don't do is invite people to my house. It sounds weird, but as I have anxiety, my house has always been a refuge from the world outside.
I'm happy to go to other people's homes but I dread having anyone I don't know well over to mine. I wouldn't have the nerve to invite them anyway. It's a big stumbling block when it comes to friendships, but not insurmountable.
Thank you for the advice and for being so kind. 🙂

I don't have many. I 'broke up' with my best friend 18 months ago and have a handful of friends from different areas of my life. I used to stress about it but dont so much anymore as actually im quite happy the way i am. I'm 41 and have well missed the boat for lifelong girlfriends 😂 I think I'm just not wired that way 🤷‍♀️. Im not willing to chase friendships or put up with crap, but im also easy going and if someone contacts me 10 years on since we last met I'm happy to pick up where we left off. Life is busy and I'm comfortable with who I am 😊.

@Thepeopleversuswork My own mother certainly feels that women friends are only there so you have a group to go out with into public places while you wait for men to approach you. Once you’ve bagged your chap, apparently, you do a valedictory round of bridesmaiding, get married and retreat into married life, because the only plausible reason a woman would be going out in the evenings is on a manhunt.

It should be said my mother is 80, is very socially timid, and remains astonished that her daughters, despite being coupled up and/or parents, still abandon the domestic hearth for their friends on a regular basis.

It's easy to tell when men want to date you/have sex with you. It's not easy to tell if they actually care about you and usually they don't. With friendships it is more delicate, because you don't know right off the bat what they are looking for and whether or not you might fit into their lives. Women also are more likely to actually care about you as a person than men are, so their standards are going to be different.
I actually adore women and do not have much use for men now that I'm no longer interested in having a partner.

I think I know what you mean about duty friends. Those are people you're friends with not because of shared values or particularly liking each other, but just because you've known them a long time and you feel like you should hold onto the friendship. I think it's okay to recognize if those friendships are not serving either of you well and let them go, albeit do it in a kind and considerate way.

Chronic pain sufferer here too. It does make it more difficult to be social. You might accept an invitation and then not feel well enough to go. People then think you've snubbed them. Even if you explain the situation, they just can't imagine what it's like, so they don't understand why it stops you from socializing. Some members of my extended family don't get it and just think I'm not interested in seeing them. It destroyed my relationship with my favourite cousin, who thought I was making excuses not to see her. But I look at it this way; if they can't empathize with a person in pain, then I haven't lost anything worth having.

@SeaweedSundress

It should be said my mother is 80, is very socially timid, and remains astonished that her daughters, despite being coupled up and/or parents, still abandon the domestic hearth for their friends on a regular basis.

To be fair to your mother this is fairly standard for women of that generation. What shocks me a bit is how many women on Mumsnet who are 30 or 40 years younger seem to regard female friends as a burden, a bore or something unnecessary.

@XChrome

Women also are more likely to actually care about you as a person than men are.

This is the real nub of the issue for me. All things being equal a friendship with a woman is more likely to be based on shared values and respect than a relationship with a man because (if you are heterosexual) it’s not a transaction oriented towards sex. There are honourable men and strong marriages of course but on a population basis men’s intentions towards women are far more likely to be oriented around what a man can get from a woman sexually.

Which is why it’s bizarre that so many people are posting on here that they find it easier to connect with them.

Are these people saying that they prefer a relationship which is largely oriented towards sex and domestic labour than one on which you are valued for your intrinsic value?

My mind is a bit blown..,

People so flaky now doesnt help friendships. No replies nothing. Puts you off plans. Think I just focus on 3 friends now. Met girl last year took her weeks to commit I thought it shouldnt be this much work!! Same primary school when young

For me, friends are so important. I nurture my friendships and in return we support each other.

I'm a single parent so I'm not sure if that makes a difference or not. I had friends when I was married. They have always been an integral part of my life.

Re the school and uni thing, well I have 2 from my schooldays and none IRL from uni anymore except on FB as they are living too far away. I did make the majority of my friends from an out of school activity as a teen though - we are all quite alike in our ways! I have also made friends through work places, as a mum through groups and school, and even friends of friends.

I am sort of in the same boat. Friendships have fallen off over time. I still have a couple but we rarely see each other.
I have some at work and through a hobby but not sure if they are friendships rather than acquaintances . I try to arrange seeing people but I often find it comes to nothing.
I am pretty lonely really. Although I have a DH and DC.
I have a couple of friends who do have a group of girl friends and actually don't want to add any more. That's stung a bit.

I live alone, natural introvert, find friendship based on information exchange exhausting. Consequently struggle to maintain friendships. Used to work really hard at maintaining and nurturing new friendships. Again became frustrated with the ‘let’s meet in three months for a coffee’. Left feeling I was there to entertain them or simply fill their day. I am learning to nurture a relationship with myself and enjoy the light touch spontaneous connections that happen day to day.

My friends have all come from some sort of shared experience, like going to the same uni or having babies at a similar time. A period of living near each other also seems necessary.

I have never been able to replicate this with the groups and volunteering that everyone always suggests, it's like the people there are too dissociated for friendships to form. I don't know how to make friends without some sort of structure.

I had friends, turns out they were mostly situational friends. Once the situation changed , they slowly, but surely dropped off. I also have some friends at work, but it's similar and I know that if I didn't work there anymore, that would dwindle too.

I only have only one friend that I talk to regularly (daily basis) , but she lives quite far away so meetups are few and far between.

I have a few people I talk to on and off and maybe even see sometimes , but it's not good friend level of relationship(by most people's standards).

I'm not unhappy with it, but I do wonder sometimes if I'm missing out or if there's something wrong with me .

I don't have actual friends, just acquaintances and they are all from different situations. I find it hard to do things socially with people ,as they think I will do social activities with other people.

In the past , I was quite naive , and would see everyone I met as a potential friend, and perhaps I came across as needy . If I saw someone in knew in public, I'd make the effort to say hello . I got no benefit from it , so I don't bother now.

I have very little family either.

@Mairzydotes

In the past , I was quite naive , and would see everyone I met as a potential friend, and perhaps I came across as needy . If I saw someone in knew in public, I'd make the effort to say hello . I got no benefit from it , so I don't bother now.

This is what I don’t understand: why do you have to get immediate benefit from being nice to someone?

People seem bemused when someone they speak to doesn’t immediately become a BFF. No one is going to become a friend overnight. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the initial investment!

I didn't say anywhere I wasn't nice to people. I'm just no longer overfriendly . A quick hello in passing suffices.

While people don't want to be blanked or ignored by people they know in public, they also don't want people popping up from nowhere to have a chat whilst they are going about their business .

@Mairzydotes

While people don't want to be blanked or ignored by people they know in public, they also don't want people popping up from nowhere to have a chat whilst they are going about their business.

I mean that wouldn’t bother me. I would just see it as a normal day to day interaction. Fair if you don’t want it, it’s a free country.

But you (you generally not just you personally) can’t have it both ways: people seem to both feel resentful that they aren’t included in social stuff and have no friends but also be really reluctant to make any effort under their own steam.

You have to give a bit to get a bit back.

The marriage thing with people saying their DH is enough. I have two friends divorcing right now after 30 year marriages. I also have a friend in her early sixties whose lovely DH has rapid onset Alzheimer’s at 65. Of all the couples I have ever known and I have known them for almost 40 years they were the most loved up couple ever. I was single when I first knew them and she used to say we can shut the door at the weekend and see no one and it’s enough. I remember thinking I can’t imagine loving a man and that being enough. I am very lucky to have my DH but I miss the company of women if it’s just DH and me.

I think that friends for a reason, friend's for a season rings true.