Does anyone else not really have any friends?

[Hernamewaslola22]

Wondering if it's just me. I have friends at work and 1 or 2 out of work...we very very rarely do anything together. I spend most weekends completely alone. I feel like most women have these big groups of girlfriends.

The older I get the more I feel I need the company of women.
I do have a lot of acquaintances fro hobbies. But I still feel they add a lot to my life anyway. Not everybody has to be a 3 am friend.

Exactly. I think a lot of people feel there’s no point bothering with someone unless they are going to be a 3am friend.

I think this is really short sighted. I have probably three 3am friends and they are all people I have known for more than 20 years. They didn’t start as 3am friends! In all three cases it was probably a decade until they got there.

I also think there’s a place for casual friends. There’s nothing wrong with situational friendships (such as through work, school or hobbies) if they enhance your life. It’s fine to take it as it comes.

I do have a couple of friends. One I only see a few times a year for days out/lunch. I don’t see her doing much else with anyone else though, just her husband and her sister.

I think what I miss is the group dynamic of friends. I was in a friendship group of 5, one of them is the friend above. One moved away and I message. One fell by the way side and the other one just dumped us one day, she was the one I was closest too, saw her frequently and messaged daily. One day she cut us off and got herself a brand new group. Weird thing is my existing friend sees her through work and she often complains she misses me and wants me to message her to catch up? Never contacts me herself.

I think when you are young and enthusiastic about a new friend it seems totally normal and acceptable. As you get older it’s treated with suspicion, it’s very hard to find a balance.

I'm struggling to come round to a more realistic idea of friendship sometimes. I've mentioned it before but my own parents have no friends, no one modelled adult friendship for me apart from TV and films.

Now I get that the girl posse type friendship in fiction isn't realistic and I've learned more about what real life adult friendships look like. That doesn't stop me from thinking that they are a bit crap. Like how some people think it's normal for friends not to contact each other for years, I don't see the point in that. I think it makes me struggle with motivation.

My mum was widowed at only 63 and she looks likely to live till her nineties, so may well be living alone nearly as many years as she has been married. What kept her going has been her huge circle of friends of all types: 3 am, casual, hobby, travel... of all ages. She has a better social life than I do. She doesn't live near me, so she relies on them to fight the loneliness. She works hard at it; she is always having people over, texting to check on people, and keeps track of all her friends' grandchildren. ( I know that sounds exhausting but she retired at 58, so had time for all this).

I only hve one friend. She’s my best friend and I love her to bits but we don’t see each other as much as we used to at the minute ad we’ve both got young children but at different stages.

Ive always struggled with friendships though and making friends. I was painfully shy as a child and can be a bit still now, I think I come across a bit weird at first as well but don’t know why or how to change that. The only time I’ve ever really made any friends in the past is when they’ve been forced to get to know me, like at school where we’ve been assigned seats next to each other that we couldn’t change 😅

Yes, some people on Mn have very fixed ideas about friendship, and have ‘tests’ (whether it’s time limits on responding to texts, initiating contact, proposing outings, 3 am A and E trips etc), they are aggrieved about when they’re failed by other people. I personally don’t think 3 am hospital trips are much of a test of friendship — lots of people will help, if asked, in an emergency.

And yes, situational friendships are good, too. That they don’t last forever doesn’t invalidate temporary closeness and the value of that.

I had very concerning results from medical tests a couple of years ago when DH was working abroad and my closest friend was herself in hospital for serious reasons. I needed a new biopsy under anaesthetic. Randomly, I blurted it out to a newish situational friend (parent of one of DS’s friends) I think because I thought he wouldn’t be that bothered and that might calm me down. He was incredibly kind, checked in on me regularly till the surgery, picked me up afterwards and remembered the consult at which I was going to get the results of the new biopsy (clear). We’ve drifted apart since as the boys are no longer close, but I won’t forget that support when it mattered.

And some initially situational friendships do turn out to be something more. And friendships that have drifted sometimes return.

I had a big disappointment last week. Four friends, all from very different parts of my life, none of whom know one another, phoned within 24 hours and let me wail and self-castigate and really made a difference to my state of mind. One is a student friend from 35 years ago I’ve only recently reconnected with when we moved countries, one is an originally ‘situational’ friend from a professional network who called me from her holidays on the other side of the world, one dropped me out of the blue 13 years ago when I told her I was pregnant, and we’ve only begun tentatively reconciling, and one is my closest friend. Other than the last, I wouldn’t have necessarily thought they were the ones who would show up, but they did.

I have one female friend that I meet up with occasionally, as we both live far apart, otherwise, I don't have any female friends.

Looking back the ones I've had were pretty shallow, and fair weather friends. I'm not even close to my sister, and as I have a disability I feel deep down she feels embarassed by me.

At work, I find the women can be really bitchy, so avoid them as much as possible, and thankfully as my job involves me being out and about by myself, this is easy to do.

I actually feel more relaxed in the company of men, and the only friend I have close by now is my partner.

Does anyone else thing male friendship groups differ from female?

By way of example, one of DH’s groups is 5 childhood / school friends. They recently bumped into someone else who they went to school with and knocked about with a bit over 25 years ago. The man is now part of the group and invited to get togethers.

I suppose he had an “in” because of the previous connection but I can’t imagine my female groups of friends being so welcoming, and I don’t really know why.

Yes there are definitely big differences imo.

Dh has loads of friends ..a few things I've noticed. If one of them is skint, the others all say, just come out anyway, we'll pay for you. In my female friendship group, if I have ever said I can't come out because I'm skint, everyone would just say oh well, hopefully see you soon another time.

I've also noticed in my DHS group of friends, they are all much more able to disagree on certain subjects without letting it ruin the friendship. So they may have different views on certain things in politics or the news, they will debate and discuss but still be mates. I find women are much more sensitive to these sort of differences in opinion and if you say the wrong thing, your friendship could be over.

And I agree with your example..in dh friendship group, one guy might introduce one of his old friends or work mates and they'll all include him and it's no issue.

I have colleagues I am freindly with. We all work remotely so we don't meet up expect for the odd bit of work travel. I live near my sister and we occasionally do the odd social thing. I have a couple of long standing friends but they live hundreds of miles away so we chat by messenger now and then / occasionaly call / meet up once in a blue moon. No though, no other friends (people I choose to do social activities with on a fairly frequent basis). I am not unhappy about it though, my social battery is burned out with work, family, parenting etc.. so no time for anything more.

My DH has no friends and is crap at making any. Doesn't seem to need any.

Childhood friendship groups have really strong bonds. I’ve went over a decade without speaking to some people then resumed the friendship. Not the same as 25 years of course.

But it’s 15 years now since I’ve seen some and I can definitely imagine slipping back into a (female) childhood friends group if I moved back home and bumped into one.

Definitely heard similar things happen to people I know who are women.

That said sure there are often differences between male and female friendship groups.

One unfortunate difference is a lot of men feel they cannot talk to their male friends about feelings/ emotions, and their friendships are actually quite skin deep in many ways when you look closely which is why some men use random women they’re dating as therapists.

I agree with this.

I think a lot of it is because male friendship groups are more 'superficial' and based upon having a laugh and doing stuff they like together.

A.lot.of female.friendships are 'deeper' and, whilst based on having fun etc, also contain am element of shared emotional support. They feel more meaningful and are often an extension of family. So differences and grievances are felt more sharply.

I know men who've never fallen out with anyone regardless of how badly a friend has behaved because they're mates. Women hold each other to higher standards and have higher expectations of close friendships. IME.

@Comedycook

I've also noticed in my DHS group of friends, they are all much more able to disagree on certain subjects without letting it ruin the friendship. So they may have different views on certain things in politics or the news, they will debate and discuss but still be mates. I find women are much more sensitive to these sort of differences in opinion and if you say the wrong thing, your friendship could be over.

There’s some truth in this, yes. I think women as a rule are less comfortable with disagreements and strongly hold opinions. Not universally: I think good female friendships can withstand strong disagreements. But women are generally more averse to arguing.

Which isn’t surprising really as women are often socialised to think strong opinions are rude or unfeminine.

But having a disagreement which you successfully move past can be a real bonding experience. It’s a shame to completely avoid this.

Oh, I hear that.

I had a guy do this to me recently on a first date. Just offloaded a load of shit about his family and his career frustrations.

There was no second date.

DH has a friend who is super popular, loads of friends. One of his friends was a total shit to him, he just let it go. I suppose that’s how you have loads of friends, you just let things go.
Whereas I cast one of my BFs astray because of her behaviour, there were always issues but I hit my limit. Maybe I should have let it go and kept the friendship. (I wouldn’t btw)

This is super tone deaf.

People move. School friends move.
People are at different stages of life, kids/marriage etc

There's also social anxiety and neurodiversity and many other things that contribute.

It is very, very easy to find friendships drifting away, especially in this day and age where we are all so online and less of that need to meet up in person so regularly.

A lot of people are also struggling due to COL right now and they isolate themselves out of embarrassment or just inability to go out as that costs a fortune.

Ugh that sucks but at least he showed you what he was like from the outset - lucky escape!

I’ve heard of this happening a lot - sometimes even before they meet up in person for a first date.

It’s bizarre how so many men think this is OK to do though and sadly a lot of women are conditioned to sit and play therapist.

@SeaweedSundress ”lots of people will help, if asked, in an emergency.”

I think you are very lucky. The friends I had, one or two might have done. Now there’s no one and for reasons many have explained, I’m not sure if I can face trying to make friends again.

just out of interest, who are the people who would help in an emergency? Do you mean people who would accompany you to hospital in an emergency?

This is my issue. I co-parent so there are only 2 days that are the same, the rest are on a on/off pattern. Then add to that full time work and long commute. I do go to groups and sports on those days but some of the more sociable ones like running or walking, I'm struggling to make due to the time I have with my kids, it's too unstable for now.

It's such an interesting, and comforting read in a way. I have always been a drifter, so I have never been in a really strong girl group of friends. I see it now with my older daughter in fact, she too goes between groups - generally well thought of but not super close.

I have been contacted by a friend today who I've not seen in ages, so we're going to make plans. And I've just sent a message out to another small group to see if they want to meet. It does take effort, but usually I find it's worth it and I'm buzzing afterwards.

The time I was thinking about there were no friends anywhere near, as we had just moved out of London, DH was in the ME for a fortnight, I was still on maternity leave, and as we’d only arrived in the village (which was never a friendly place for me), we knew no one at all. Even DH’s new colleagues were virtual strangers in the nearest city.

But when DS had an accident one neighbour took us to hospital (snowing, no car, faster than an ambulance), and another neighbouring couple dropped off groceries to us and offered lifts.

I barely knew their names at that point (and, awkwardly, the two different sets of neighbours loathed one another, due to some long-running feud whose reason I never figured out), and in fact we never became friends despite doing a bit of socialising, but they helped when I needed it, and I made sure they knew I was grateful.

I’ve actually often found strangers very willing to help in a crisis, as there’s not much required other than assistance. I do it myself when I can, like helping out a quite ill fellow-patient in the GP when a translator hadn’t shown up, or when, last year, an elderly couple had a minor car crash right outside my gate and I brought them in and made them tea as they had to wait for a lift, and were cold and shocked. But a neighbour across the way (different place to the village) was on his way out to do the same, and quite a few people around here took in Ukrainians.

TL; DR — helping in a crisis isn’t necessarily a test of friendship.

I find what you've said to be true. People are more likely to help strangers in a crisis. Perhaps, because it's in the moment and right place at the time, rather than a pre-arranged favour, perhaps they just want to be a hero