Does anyone else not really have any friends?

[Hernamewaslola22]

Wondering if it's just me. I have friends at work and 1 or 2 out of work...we very very rarely do anything together. I spend most weekends completely alone. I feel like most women have these big groups of girlfriends.

I'm a SAHM and don't have any friends, I have one girlfriend I know from school who I meet up with every month or so with our toddlers as they were born the same day but that's it. I'm naturally a bit of a loner so I'm happy in my little bubble with my hubby and little girl. I am open to possibly meeting other mums once she starts school though.

@GreyCarpet

If a man doesn't like you, he just won't have anything to do with you. If a woman doesn't like you but you haven't quite realised it yet, it's harder because she'll still meet up for lunch/coffee if you ask and say and do all the right things but never reciprocate and quite often complain about you to others because you've irritated her rather than just not meet up in the first place (and MN is full of people posting because they're on one side of this dynamic in a friendship).

OK… so men liking you is better why?

Lets be brutally honest here: if a man “likes you” in this way and according to this perspective what you actually mean is he wants to have sex with you (or possibly to make you a domestic servant). Whereas if a woman likes you it’s likely to be much more nuanced and complicated and conditional on your behaviour.

In other words according to this worldview women have higher standards and want more from friendships than men do.

So why are so many people implying that it’s somehow better to focus on the relationship which revolves around the woman’s utility to the man as either sex object or domestic helpmeet?

It’s as if the last 60 years never happened…

Its definitely hard. I find my neighbours keep to themselves. One says she has her own routine! I met a few through my kids sports thats coffee every few months. I wouldnt have anyone to go to a concert with. My sister has good few friends but said they make big efforts keep it going

I don’t have a big group of girlfriends but I do have friends. Sometimes I think I’d like to be part of a big group, I was as a teen, but now in my 50s I’m less sociable and cba! I do have 2-3 few small groups that go out occasionally though.

Yes, I’m also finding the strand of this thread about finding a romantic/sexual partner being easier and less stressful than making a friend really interesting. How can this be the case?

Assuming you’re looking for a relationship when dating (though I think that in practice some casual/no strings attached flings can end up being potentially emotionally complex for one or both parties), you’re auditioning someone as a potential life partner, with whom you will (usually) have sex monogamously, usually live with, often buy property with, often share finances with, possibly have children with, possibly be financially dependent on etc etc.

That is a huge deal. Choosing the right or wrong person has life-changing consequences.

Even at the immediate early dating stage, there’s considering whether you’re attracted to the person, whether you want to sleep with him, whether he wants to sleep with you, and, if so, you end up doing something fairly intimate together, which leads to either nice or not-nice discoveries (discovering this great guy has completely incompatible kinks or is dreadful in bed)…

How can this be easier and more straightforward than making a friend over a cup of coffee? The stakes are much lower!

@SeaweedSundress

How can this be easier and more straightforward than making a friend over a cup of coffee? The stakes are much lower!

I’m glad it’s not just me. I find this not just bizarre but quite frightening.

It raises several issues for me:

1. it makes me think that for a lot of people the whole objective of a social life basically revolves around finding a mate.
2. Which also explains why so many people struggle with the idea of friendships - because they don’t see value in them beyond their utility in finding a mate.
3. But it also goes some way towards explaining why people have such low expectations for the mates they do choose. Because if everything is oriented around “does he like me?” There’s not much room in the equation for: “Do I like him?”

Maybe I am overthinking this but it seems odd to me that we have pages and pages of people saying: “I have no friends”, and almost no one thinking critically about why that would be the case.

I can’t speak for anyone else but this is completely wide of the mark for me (as one of the PP who said I found making a female friend harder than finding a partner)

I was merely saying that it is easier with a man because I would know that he wanted to spend time with me but I can never tell that with a woman.

It is easy to say “well just invite someone for a coffee” if you are not someone who struggles with social anxiety and making friends. That seems completely impossible for me so I guess it is my fault I have no friends?

But say more about why it’s easier, @BargingOnBy — why does ‘knowing he wants to spend time with me’ outweigh all the high stakes stuff about dating? Do crossed wires, mixed messages, people who blow hot and cold etc not happen just as often in dating situations, where the stakes are way higher and the potential investment way bigger than in just making a friend? Do you not make an effort when you’re dating, regardless of having social anxiety, by putting yourself on a dating app, or swiping right, or agreeing to go on a date? why does social anxiety make making friends impossible but apparently doesn’t make finding a romantic/sexual partner anywhere near as difficult?

I mean, I’m a socially confident person who last went on a date in the 1990s, but if I found myself dating again, despite my confidence in making friends (with men and women), I think I’d really have to steel myself against things like being stood up, seeing someone look disappointed because I was less attractive than my photo (and vice versa, obviously), dates where it was obvious within five minutes he was awful, or, if, after three great dates, he suddenly stopped replying to my messages, or all the million other things that get detailed on the Relationships board.

I'm not single but I am one of those people who think it's easier to find a romantic partner than a friend. One thing I find tricky about making friends is trying to work out if someone is open to the idea of having a new friend. I find many people, particularly women my age, are hugely busy with long term established friends as well as children and elderly parents. I also think a lot of people are suspicious of others ..I can guarantee if I went to the gym this afternoon and tried to chat to another woman, she'd most probably look at me like I was crazy

I probably wouldn’t be able to cope with trying to find a partner these days. I’ve been with my partner for over twenty years so never been on a dating app or a blind date. In the olden days we met at work, uni etc and I think things were simpler. Ghosting definitely wasn’t a thing.

Totally agree with this.

Its harder now and everyone works. You dont want appear needy either for friends. Find dog great he gets me out that breaks up my mornings. I met a school mam last year but she too busy to commit now. We got on great but pity. Thats peoples reality now!

I really think if you want a huge group of friends you need to put yourself out there. Me personally, I’m happy with a group of 15 or so close friends who I don’t see all of the time, but when I need them they’re there or make time for me when they can

@FluffyRabbitGal I don’t think this thread is mainly about people wanting a huge group of friends. Most people over the age of 30 don’t have that. It’s about the issue of having no or very few friends. I think those people would be happy with a handful or even one in some cases.

Also 15 close friends is a lot so not surprised you’re happy with that. I’m not sure if you were implying it wasn’t a lot but it definitely is
unless you’re in your late teens or early 20s!

I do have friends, but as we all met at school we live all over the country and meetups are rare.

I don't have the confidence, or until recently, the money to join any clubs etc.

I have been married over 25 years and find marriage much much harder than making friends. What am I doing wrong?
I don't have to parent, share money, divide housework or have sex with my friends.Just meet them every so often. So much easier.

I don't have lots of friends as I have moved around a lot but I do have some and I have made new friends even in my 50s. I work very hard at it. Almost like a job. DC are grown so I have more time.

Only on mn. Mn seems to be total introverts, who never go out. In RL all my friends have lots of friends, acquaintances, colleagues, PNG etc.

I think the really big challenge is mobility. I am in London where people move away a lot, just as I have befriended them.

I agree with pp that its hard to know who wants to make friends. I have pretty thick skin though and I don't take rejection or ghosting too personally. You have to get used to it and try anyway.

Why is there a loneliness epidemic in the UK then?

It also depends on what you call a friend. There are different types of friends. I have friends I can call upon to have coffee and tell them a bit about my day to day life. I have friends with whom I share an interest and can do the above with some of the ones I have got to know better. Several people in the interest group who attend similar events and have become familiar faces and others to socialise with.

However, I lack a really good friend that I can confide all in. Someone who can hold all I have to say. I have a friend who will use me like a sounding board without it being recipricol and I have distanced myself as I feel drained when I come away. This is the type of friend I would most cherish - where we could be authentic and trust each other. Having come close but not successfully found this type of like-minded friend, I am looking at other routes such as entering counselling, where I have someone steady and reliable to talk to (I have a fair bit going on in life and at least can talk and be listened to in a confidential space).

I think ideally, a life partner would be a best friend. I'm not saying you don't benefit from other friends because you absoloutely do and it brings something to a relationship. However, as mentioned up thread - there is so much more involved when chosing and living with a life partner, more interdependency and more expectations of commitment and so on.

Not sure what the answer is op, probably getting out there and meeting a lot of different people but also some of it about luck - being in the right place and so on. And yes, people are often too busy to maintain or develop friendships, this seems really sad.

So totally agree. My marriage does not satisfy all my needs. I have many interests that DH does not share. And of course he could leave or die, so I don't want to put all my emotional eggs in one basket.

Yes this is true...I've noticed that those with lots of friends are people with a thick skin. I think you need to be the sort of person who takes rejection on the chin and rolls on. I am not like this...! I never organise social events as I'm terrified of being rejected. My long terms friends know I'm like this but any new friends I have think I'm not making the effort. That's not really the case ..I'm just scared of rejection.

I don't organise large social events any more either, or have people over much these days ( tired of flakes cancelling last minute). However, I will reach out to people one on one and suggest meeting for a coffee or going to see a play or an exhibition. Sometimes they say yes, sometimes they say no. If they say no, I assume they have a lot going on. I don't assume that I am awful. Most of us aren't awful. It's just that some people may have enough friends.

Having said all that, I will say that sometimes I get tired of making the first move always. My lasting friends are those who reflect my energy. The others drift away.

If they say no, I assume they have a lot going on. I don't assume that I am awful

Oh I totally assume that I'm awful 😂

I can't always tell the difference between a person being busy and a person trying to shake me off.

@Comedycook oh please don't. I had a lovely though fairly new friend in the pandemic. We kept each other going. Then suddenly she ghosted me for no reason. Became very elusive. I thought it was me!

About a year later she confided in me that her DD has severe depression, and she is fully occupied in sorting her out. Then her mum died as well. She didn't want to talk about her DD's illness out of respect for her.

We still haven't met but we have exchanged messages, and I expect she will return to me when she feels less exhausted with life. I am sure a lot of people are in this situation post the pandemic.

Really, very few of us are awful. We may not be the most fascinating people on earth, but most of us are ok and worthy of friendship.