Does anyone else not really have any friends?

[Hernamewaslola22]

Wondering if it's just me. I have friends at work and 1 or 2 out of work...we very very rarely do anything together. I spend most weekends completely alone. I feel like most women have these big groups of girlfriends.

I agree. I never had trouble figuring out if a man liked me, but I am often unsure if women do or not.

This is the stone cold truth.
Many friendships are shallow and one sided because, unfortunately, many people are shallow and selfish. Finding a true friend who will reciprocate your caring is difficult.

I have a reasonable group that I'm very thankful for. What I struggle with is knowing that all it takes to lose them is for their lives to become too busy. I've had this happen, friend becomes busier, they have to drop some things and you don't make the cut. There's nothing you can do and it sucks.

It depends what you want out of the friendship. I have many friends, as I say upthread, but some of those are ‘fairweather’ friends that I go to raves and festivals with. We don’t get into any deep emotional stuff because neither of us wants that from the friendship. I have other friends that I can get that from, as I’m sure my fairweather friends do.

@Screenshotted

My husband and I have different friends as well as the ones we have together. I think it is important not to depend on your partner for your social life if possible. I know not everybody can achieve that.

Totally. There’s something really depressing about those couples who never do anything without one another and who don’t have any outside friends. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Its never in a loving way it’s needy, clingy and dependent. We had a couple come over to stay with us earlier this year who were like that: incapable of doing anything without the other but this horrible energy to them: tetchy and bickery the whole time.

We owe it to ourselves not to end up like this.

Blimey, how judgemental are you? Why can’t people just be different?

@BargingOnBy

Blimey, how judgemental are you? Why can’t people just be different?

Of course they can. I am not stopping anyone so anything.

But when the people who have given up nurturing their friends and invest all their emotional energy into their marriages end up bitter, bored, frustrated and lonely in their marriages in middle age it’s not unreasonable to ask whether the two things are linked.

I have seen so many friends fall into relationships like this and over time all their friendships have fallen away. No single relationship can fulfill all of a person’s needs. And people invariably end up bridling at the claustrophobia and the limitation of spending your entire life with the same person.

But are apparently incapable of drawing the obvious conclusions about why they are miserable, bored and stifled.

I do believe including myself those without friends or that lose friends more than keep them aren't the most outgoing social types esp in groups.
Another example I'm not easy going as such as in certain foods not into so can make things awkward in the past with groups.
But I'm loyal and reliable and like to meet up monthly at least when I've had the odd friends. I also esp with male friends have done the organising and booking tickets etc. I suggest something get a yes or maybe then sort it.
Female friends I've found near impossible in my 30s ( now late 30s! ) to aquire. Maybe cos I'm not whatever normal is supposed to be. Dint dress up particularly or wear much make up. Don't drink much at all. I'm a over thinker type personality or used to be, enjoy deep convos.
Generally it isn't me that disappears or does something wrong.

At 27 I literally have no friends. I had so many friends until I met my abusive ex who alienated me from all of my friends. I then unexpectedly fell pregnant at 22 when I separated from him. Lockdown happened when my baby was 3 months old so I couldn’t even make mum friends and I was forced to be alienated from everyone but in a different way. My health then declined to the point where I deal with severe chronic pain each day and my son is autistic and has adhd so it makes it basically impossible to make new friends - especially being a single parent.

It’s lonely but as an introvert, I kind of like it. I don’t need to make excuses for not attending plans if no one makes plans with me😂🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s made me closer to my family to be honest.

I prefer one on one friendships, I think you do when your less easy going and like to control what you do. Eg pick the film/ event.
Still open to small groups though.
What's really annoyed me in the past is being ghosted by people more introverted than me esp those that I know are free at weekends. Just decide nah don't wanna keep the friendship up.
You invest time then ghosted. Or the meets get less and less.

Me! I'm 60 and have no friends at all. Used to have very good friends when younger but now-apart from acquaintance- nobody

Yes its hard. People's jobs are busy. Im going to a show at xmas with friend but that took alot of planning. The must meet soon onesxx I binned lol. I havent energy for time wasters. So people have fewer meetups now.

Cancelling plans right at the last minute 2 or 3 times in a row is red flag and actually affects mental health.
Once fine. But it's totally out of order to do it regularly.
I'd rather have zero friends.

I think it has a lot to do with where abouts you are in your life. I’m 40 and childless, so I’m quite time rich compared with my oldest friends who have children. However I moved away from home to go to uni and then moved to somewhere else once I graduated, so catching up with friends from home or uni is a whole weekend kind of situation which happens once every year/ 18 months.
I found making friends really easy when uni, but when I moved away it was considerably more effort outside of that. I ended up joining all sorts of weird and wonderful clubs and groups to meet people and made friends that way. Even then, i only made close connections with 6-7 people, who i still keep in touch with or see. But again it’s difficult to see them all the time, as we were all much younger when we met and now people have other commitments or caring responsibilities as well as working, so only catch up monthly.
I really think if you want a huge group of friends you need to put yourself out there. Me personally, I’m happy with a group of 15 or so close friends who I don’t see all of the time, but when I need them they’re there or make time for me when they can.

Yeah, I get that. As long as you have those ride or die people it doesn't matter if some of your friendships are shallow.

I'm the same, no friends except my husband. I've had friendships and get on well enough with people but no lasting relationships with them. More like occasional acquaintances. Most people seem to have friends from uni (didn't go) or work (home-ed my kids so no workplace).

I would suggest building a network of friends through the homeschooling. I know there are organizations which home-schooling parents join. They network and help each other.
Having only your husband is not advisable, because if something happens with your marriage, who will you turn to for support?
Having no university degree and nothing recent on a work resume always puts women in a precarious position if the marriage ever goes south.
I'm not suggesting anything bad about your marriage, it's just the law of probability.
Most marriages end in divorce. We must always assume a marriage might fail and be prepared for it.
Anyway, most people do need friends just for our mental well-being. Other home-schooling moms will understand what you're going through and support you. Just a thought.

Thoughtful reply, thanks. I'm in quite a few groups for home education but, understandably, the focus is on the kids rather than getting to know the other parents.
I miss the days of being able to walk up to people and say "You look nice, let's be friends!"

I feel the same way. Social media is responsible for a lot of the demise of real life friendships. It seems people are less open to meeting others IRL and more concerned about getting likes from strangers or people they only know online. Loneliness is at epidemic levels according to sociologists. This thread certainly bears that out.

I think it's important to have social connections. Small talk is often disnissed here on MN, but in my experience it's the way to find out you you'll gel with. Eg at work sometimes I get to chat to a college, but then we have to rush off. So it's the perfect opportunity to ask if they'd like to go for a coffee or something.
You get to know people via a bit of chat, and looking for things that interest you about each other. Taking an interest in the other person, while sharing a bit of your own stuff really oils the wheels of friendship.

I don't need 'ride or die' friends and I've never felt the needs to ring anybody at 3am over an emergency or a relationship breakup, which seems to be the definition of a good friend for some people.

Healthy friendships develop over time I think. I think it's nice to be able to have people you can have a good chat with, or equally company to see a film or a show. My parents were big 'club' and committee people, and always enjoyed the active social life that went with them. My father was a rotarian and my mum did inner wheel - friendship and service, or somesuch. I think active church membership or women's institute would offer the same. Even in her late 80s mother still goes out for lunches and coffee mornings with these groups. She's less inclined than I am to meet her friends individually- but the only group things I do currently are occasional work ones.

Tempted to look into WI myself now as it does mum no end of good having a social life into her older age. I recently accompanied one of her groups to see a musical, and we had a blast. There was a parade of walking trolleys and a couple of wheelchairs, and even one lady who was on 'day release' as she joked, from a care home. They don't tend to go in for deep and meaningful conversations- they are more the stiff upper lip variety, but they clearly enjoyed themselves and many of them have known each other for years. New ones have come along as others have shuffed off. I aspire to emulate a bit of that, alingside my individual connections.

I'm similar. I have one close-ish friend but we rarely speak and only meet up a couple of times a year. I have a couple of work friends.

The rest are more varying degrees of acquaintance.

I'm getting married in a couple of years. Not planned so no invites yet. I have a few mutual friends with my partner. He has loads of friends. I know a lot of people but I think most would be surprised to be invited to my wedding and would feel like they must be a peripheral, make up the numbers friend whilst the other people there were my real friends. Whereas all of them would be in the same boat.

There's no one I would discuss personal stuff with. No one who really knows me.

The sad part is that, other than my brother, sil and niece (who i rarely see) and my own children, I don't have any family either.

Hi xchrome. Could you invite the ladies round for a coffee? People often respond well to group invitations as they don’t feel too “ singled out” and it sounds as though they live nearby so it wouldn’t be a huge trip for them or anything. You could even organise something you need to do afterwards so that you can honestly say “ I will need to head out by such and such time“ to keep the interaction light and fluid, which I think is the key to “testing the water” with people early in friendships.

I'd agree with this.

I've put it down to the socialisation to be nice tbh.

If a man doesn't like you, he just won't have anything to do with you. If a woman doesn't like you but you haven't quite realised it yet, it's harder because she'll still meet up for lunch/coffee if you ask and say and do all the right things but never reciprocate and quite often complain about you to others because you've irritated her rather than just not meet up in the first place (and MN is full of people posting because they're on one side of this dynamic in a friendship).

I've phased out all of my 'duty friends' over the past few years - people you were friends with once but now only keep in touch with because you've known them so long for an annual catch up. Because all it becomes is an information exchange about each other's lives that you're no longer part of and, tbh, I'm not really interested in that.

All it took was for me to stop issuing the invites to weed out pretty much everyone I know! 😅

DH often complains we don’t have the ‘friendships’ his parents had, but they were working men’s club friends only. They drank together and socialised but they didn’t see each other outside of that. So when they fell out of going they never saw them again. I don’t think they were real friends.

I knew I didn’t have ‘ride or die’ when DH was in hospital. Some people don’t even ask about what’s happening, I had known some of them for decades.

I've recently reached my 60s but have no friends. I didn't go to uni, and didn't really stay in touch with high school people as so many moved away. I'm quite naturally introverted, which doesn't help. When I married and had kids, my husband alienated me from what few friends I had by leaving me to do all the childcare while he pursued his hobbies for hours on end.

Im friendly with people. There's a couple from a previous job that I message with every 2-3 months. Likewise, some ladies I met dog walking I'll maybe have lunch with as a group once every several months. No proper friends tho. No one who I message with regularly, go out with for coffees or have a gossip with.

Sad thing is my husband died recently and with my DDs grown and doing their own thing, I realise what a lonely life I have. Once I get admin and things sorted I'll need to find some hobbies of my own now that I have time, and will maybe meet new people that way.