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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I specifically said not to shave his head and that's what he comes home like..

154 replies

MNADFYUWISH · 23/08/2024 16:45

We aren't in a good place relationship-wise so for that reason I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable and just intolerant, or whether anybody else would be pissed off aswell.

DS (almost 7 and autistic) goes to the barbers once every three months or so. It isn't cheap these days. He does sit still before anybody suggests that may be the reason for this today.

Today he was taken by his dad. I said to get a short back and sides and to leave some length on the top because DS likes to do 'Bart Simpson' hair and spike it all up.

I was very insistent about how he should not have him get a buzz cut (razor all over, very short with very very little hair left - he knows exactly what it is)

Previously, he has returned home with one of these cuts and it looked bloody awful. It doesn't suit him and quite frankly I could do it myself at home. We're going on holiday this week and I always take lots of photos. I just wanted the kids to look nice.

Guess what he came back like? Practically BALD!

Lots of stuttering from DP about how he doesn't know why he did that as he told him not to shave the top, he claims.

The long and the short of it is he just stood there and watched him get the very thing I said I didn't want him to have because he felt too awkward stopping the barber and saying no, we don't want that, we don't want a buzz cut. Nor did he mention anything afterwards despite knowing I wouldn't be happy.

He'd rather have a row with me than speak up about anything, to anyone. He's the sort or person who stands somewhere for 5+ long minutes waiting for somebody to move, even when hes running late or he's holding the rest of us up, because he feels 'too awkward' to say excuse me.

As I said, we're not in a good place atm and have much bigger problems than this. I won't go into it all and colour your view but I'll just say this, the usual shit that brings women to these forums to offload.

This feels a bit like the straw that broke the camels back.

Am I being unreasonable to be so annoyed about this in particular?

OP posts:
DadJoke · 23/08/2024 22:04

xyz111 · 23/08/2024 21:47

I don't believe the barber went against his wishes. They just do what they're told.

😂you have had better luck than me with barbers. They always take too much off.

MNADFYUWISH · 23/08/2024 22:24

Pootle23 · 23/08/2024 21:49

Next time, I would go with them both and tell the barber what you want as your husband is too pathetic to speak up as an adult, in front of your husband!

I haven’t got time for this type of being pathetic. He can’t be bothered to speak up for his son? Maybe give your husband a buzzcut and see how he likes it.

He had one as a kid and said he felt so self conscious and embarrassed.. but it's OK for DS 🤯

OP posts:
mollyfolk · 23/08/2024 23:01

Honestly barbers are just terrible at cutting hair. They have a 3 cut repertoire!

hairdressers are much more skilled.

but anyway I understand it’s not really about the haircut.

RawBloomers · 24/08/2024 04:20

mollyfolk · 23/08/2024 23:01

Honestly barbers are just terrible at cutting hair. They have a 3 cut repertoire!

hairdressers are much more skilled.

but anyway I understand it’s not really about the haircut.

True, but short back and sides is normally one of their staples!

Sheeplesss · 24/08/2024 08:27

No wonder you have the Ick.
It is a new level of pathetic to allow that to be done to your child.
I find it hard to believe a barber would do such a thing.
OP, life is too short.
You are doing everything and he is a pathetic man child.
Time for a real think about what you want.

Elsvieta · 24/08/2024 10:00

It'll grow.

It's coming across a bit weird how you seem to feel you have more authority over what happens to your son's hair than your dh does. He's his parent just as much as you are - why do you feel he can't make these sorts of decisions himself?

Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 24/08/2024 10:20

For those saying take him yourself , this frustrated me! ANOTHER thing she has to do .
How frustrating for you OP. Yes it will grow but I'd hate for my child to look bloody awful like that 😞.
Sympathy on the man child you have as another parent . You are definitely not being unreasonable. ❣️

Willoo · 24/08/2024 10:36

some of these replies are way over the top regarding the DH. I took my son for a haircut once and they ended up cutting it far shorter than I had asked. It could be that the barber just went too far. It’s hair, it’ll grow back in a few weeks.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 24/08/2024 11:01

Elsvieta · 24/08/2024 10:00

It'll grow.

It's coming across a bit weird how you seem to feel you have more authority over what happens to your son's hair than your dh does. He's his parent just as much as you are - why do you feel he can't make these sorts of decisions himself?

Because their son didn't want the haircut he got and his father didn't say anything to the barber about it.

It's not about having control over the haircut. It's the fact he won't advocatefor his own son.

Read OPs updates, you might get it.

SquirrelSoShiny · 24/08/2024 11:09

Is he autistic? I also second looking into covert narcissism. He sounds like my husband who is cowardly about disagreement with anyone but me.

EdithBond · 24/08/2024 11:41

MNADFYUWISH · 23/08/2024 20:49

Absolutely 100%.

I have to make all decisions, all arrangements, all life admin, everything.

Anytime I ask for his opinion on something or ask him to suggest something for dinner / where to go / what to do.. it's always "up to you"

He is the path of least resistance personified. Won't advocate for himself, me or the kids, just goes along with what's easiest in spite of everyone else.

Gawd, sounds like my ex. I ended up feeling like his manager. Even when I had sit down talks about stuff that was getting to me/plans/decisions and asked what he thought we should do about it, he’d just say: ‘I don’t know’. Drove me (literally) insane.

He had an unconventional haircut too. Turned out he was too embarrassed to go to get it cut.

MarvellousMonsters · 24/08/2024 18:59

@MNADFYUWISH

"I have to make all decisions, all arrangements, all life admin, everything.

Anytime I ask for his opinion on something or ask him to suggest something for dinner / where to go / what to do.. it's always "up to you"

He is the path of least resistance personified. Won't advocate for himself, me or the kids, just goes along with what's easiest in spite of everyone else."

This is possibly weaponised incompetence. He gets to absolve himself from all responsibility and effort by fucking up repeatedly, making sure you do it all.

As others have said, if your DS is diagnosed as neurodiverse it won't have come from nowhere so it's probable he's inherited it from his dad. That said, he's unlikely to change. It might be time to go.

Snaketime · 24/08/2024 21:45

I have to ask OP are you sure you husband isn't autistic?
I only ask as you said you have an autistic child (generally hereditary) and my DH is very much the same and can't advocate for himself and he has recently been diagnosed as autistic after our children were.

TiroirSousLeMiroir · 24/08/2024 21:47

The last time I took ds to the barbers I said "not too much off the top please " and the man did the exact opposite and ds had very short, very wonky hair.

I bought a clippers and scissors and do it myself now. I'm not an expert but with every cut I get a bit better.

JohnTheRevelator · 24/08/2024 23:32

Luckily it will grow back quickly.

MNADFYUWISH · 24/08/2024 23:45

He might be autistic but he'd need to have that confirmed by a doctor really. As he has no intention to pursue an assessment (it has come up before) I guess I'll never know.

If his ways are all from neurodiversity then that means he isn't likely to change, doesn't it?

It's easier (for me) to feel frustrated by somebody who (in the absence of a diagnosis) is neurotypical, than it is to admit that he probably can't help the way he is because.. If that was the case then the right thing to do would be to show understanding, patience and tolerance.

The problem I have with that is that there is just so much water under the bridge.

He has treat me very poorly on numerous occasions and caused a lot of damage to our relationship with his actions - I don't think I can find the tolerance, patience and understanding that I'd need to find in order for it to work out in the long term.

I think I've just had enough to be honest.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 25/08/2024 00:12

Nobody ever changes much.

Sometimes people can change specific parts of their behavior if they really need to but they can't change who they are.

TuVuoiFaLamericano · 25/08/2024 11:24

MNADFYUWISH · 24/08/2024 23:45

He might be autistic but he'd need to have that confirmed by a doctor really. As he has no intention to pursue an assessment (it has come up before) I guess I'll never know.

If his ways are all from neurodiversity then that means he isn't likely to change, doesn't it?

It's easier (for me) to feel frustrated by somebody who (in the absence of a diagnosis) is neurotypical, than it is to admit that he probably can't help the way he is because.. If that was the case then the right thing to do would be to show understanding, patience and tolerance.

The problem I have with that is that there is just so much water under the bridge.

He has treat me very poorly on numerous occasions and caused a lot of damage to our relationship with his actions - I don't think I can find the tolerance, patience and understanding that I'd need to find in order for it to work out in the long term.

I think I've just had enough to be honest.

Op, your husband sounds like mine. I also suspect ND. His mum was diagnosed this year. And he's just like her. She however was also extremely difficult to grow up with, so my husband could either be ND or just like how he is because of her.
I'm starting to get to the stage where I'm close to having enough too (14 years together).

I've asked him to try and pursue a diagnosis. For me personally, I'd rather know and then get help/ tools in how to keep our marriage going. But he's very reluctant and keeps saying he'll do it, then put it off. I hope he'll get round to it because even though I can't force him, he can't also expect me to stay with either nothing changing OR getting a diagnosis.
All I can say is, it sounds to me like it's about way more than a haircut from your posts. That's you've maybe crossed that line that I'm so close to.

Bangwam1 · 25/08/2024 11:27

Weaponised incompetence

Bangwam1 · 25/08/2024 11:30

SaintHonoria · 23/08/2024 19:29

Take him yourself in future.

Some men can't do right from wrong in here!

He took him to get his hair cut.

Your demands sound very controlling.

Demands? Having a decent hair cut for your child is not demanding. I’m sure the man could handle it.

MellersSmellers · 25/08/2024 16:22

Ah, he was scuppered from the moment the barber made the first cut. We've all been there haven't we? Hairdressers not really listening and just doing pretty much what they want? Ok DH may not have stressed it enough from the start, but you've clearly expressed your annoyance to him so now let it go. It's only hair, it'll have grown back in a week or two. And...relax....

Kastri · 25/08/2024 16:33

I could not live with or respect a wimp like that.

Themaghag · 25/08/2024 19:15

SaintHonoria · 23/08/2024 19:29

Take him yourself in future.

Some men can't do right from wrong in here!

He took him to get his hair cut.

Your demands sound very controlling.

Oh for God’s sake - enough of the cock coddling already! If a father can’t take his kid to the barbers and come home with the kid’s hair cut in the style his kid wants, what the fuck is the point of him? I bet he’d go bat shit crazy if the barber started to lop off his dreadlocks/ponytail! Why should the OP be expected to do everything because he’s a incompetent twat? Get a grip!

eggplant16 · 26/08/2024 19:06

Maybe kid coddling is a thing? Its just a bloody hair cut.

bumblingbovine49 · 06/02/2025 06:49

MNADFYUWISH · 23/08/2024 17:52

It's not that I don't like him, I think the problem is that I've lost all respect for him.

He has put me through a lot and over time I've become less and less tolerant of all the things I used to take with a pinch of salt, because I loved him. I'm not so sure that I do anymore.

In my view one of the absolutely core things needed for a relationship to work is mutual respect . Love ebbs and flows a bit over the years ( well the feelings do ), as does sexual desire, as do feelings of even affection.

Respect is absolutely core though. Everyone has human weaknesses and getting irritated by them in your partner is normal but once these move past causing irritation and exasperation and they start to coalesce into lack of respect - that is a relationship killer.

It may not be too late to save your relationship if you want to but your husband needs to want to and it can only happen if you are honest with him about losing respect for him. I don't think you can save a relationship where you don't respect a partner