I specifically said not to shave his head and that's what he comes home like..

[MNADFYUWISH]

We aren't in a good place relationship-wise so for that reason I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable and just intolerant, or whether anybody else would be pissed off aswell.

DS (almost 7 and autistic) goes to the barbers once every three months or so. It isn't cheap these days. He does sit still before anybody suggests that may be the reason for this today.

Today he was taken by his dad. I said to get a short back and sides and to leave some length on the top because DS likes to do 'Bart Simpson' hair and spike it all up.

I was very insistent about how he should not have him get a buzz cut (razor all over, very short with very very little hair left - he knows exactly what it is)

Previously, he has returned home with one of these cuts and it looked bloody awful. It doesn't suit him and quite frankly I could do it myself at home. We're going on holiday this week and I always take lots of photos. I just wanted the kids to look nice.

Guess what he came back like? Practically BALD!

Lots of stuttering from DP about how he doesn't know why he did that as he told him not to shave the top, he claims.

The long and the short of it is he just stood there and watched him get the very thing I said I didn't want him to have because he felt too awkward stopping the barber and saying no, we don't want that, we don't want a buzz cut. Nor did he mention anything afterwards despite knowing I wouldn't be happy.

He'd rather have a row with me than speak up about anything, to anyone. He's the sort or person who stands somewhere for 5+ long minutes waiting for somebody to move, even when hes running late or he's holding the rest of us up, because he feels 'too awkward' to say excuse me.

As I said, we're not in a good place atm and have much bigger problems than this. I won't go into it all and colour your view but I'll just say this, the usual shit that brings women to these forums to offload.

This feels a bit like the straw that broke the camels back.

Am I being unreasonable to be so annoyed about this in particular?

Good point. I knew men who did, and they were naturally conflict avoidant. But (just as for women) they had to learn how to assert themselves, even if it didn't come naturally. Maybe with support/therapy. But if that is the case, advice to "just do it yourself" next time is still unhelpful. At best it risks the partner being cushioned from ever having to learn necessary skills. At worst, it risks the dynamic in the relationship becoming really one sided. e.g. controlling/abusive people don't have a problem with a partners lack of assertiveness - it suits them to have someone like that. Normal, healthy people who want a normal healthy relationship are the ones who would find it difficult to live with/infuriating.

So did you dh mishear you abd tell the barber to shave it off? Because I’ve taken my kids to
lots of different barbers and all bar the Turkish ( all
the kids came out of there with the same haircut ) one asked me what we wanted , clarified and and checked length of cut during the hair cut .

either way he’s a wet lettuce abd needs to start being more assertive for his and the family’s sake

Why all the psychology on the bloke? Many men are hopeless at these sorts of things- phoning for a takeaway, taking something back for a refund, complaining etc.
And as said before, some barbers are hopeless, you can literally say short back and sides and they clip the sides then scissor the top down to something like a number 4.
I'd be looking for a better barbers next time.

If your son is autistic then there's at least a 50% chance it came from your DH genes, so wouldn't him also being (undiagnosed) autistic and all that being his way of masking/getting through life?

I feel like your marriage is probably done if you can talk this way (and clearly feel this way) about your husband. You don’t like him.

It's a conflicting one because on one hand he's like this, but then he has plenty of confidence when it comes to approaching women, chatting them up etc. He was notorious for it at work where we met, so I later found out a year too late

He's very loud and full of banter when it comes to his sporting friends or being out at the pub. He can chat and laugh and joke with people but can't bring himself to say excuse me or no thank you. It's odd.

If he was like it across the board (which my brother is) I'd likely feel a lot more understanding.

@Comedycook From the OP “Today he was taken by his dad. I said to get a short back and sides and to leave some length on the top because DS likes to do 'Bart Simpson' hair and spike it all up.”

So I’m guessing if he likes to spike it all up, he didn’t want it all shaved off.

When you’re separated your ex can just cut their hair however they want and you don’t get a say. It’s not always as simple as “leaving will solve the problem”
I totally get where you’re coming from, I’ve been distraught at the shit haircuts inflicted on my son over the years, and extremely frustrated with my later partner who was also severely conflict avoidant.
has somebody else said, by the time he realised the cut was too short it was probably too late, and he probably just felt frozen at that point knowing how you would react.
It becomes a vicious cycle, you get more annoyed, they get more anxious. You become more “strict parent”, they become more “ helpless child”
in acting frustrated. you are probably contributing to the problem.
It’s a difficult dynamic to unpick as it becomes so ingrained, but it does come from both partners, if you could find a very skilful couples counsellor, they might be able to work with it, but most of them are shit in my opinion
It’s true that the contempt you feel probably means it’s already game over unless you can really address this. I’m sorry, it’s not easy

I understand why you are annoyed OP. It sounds like it's in the context of lots of other things and the reason at the root of it is him feeling too awkward or shy to say anything. I would find that really unappealing and difficult to handle in a partner.

Yes it's annoying. But it will grow back. Take him yourself next time.

u have piqued my curiousity, what is his hair style??? a rat tail??? a mullet?? even worse????

Sound the klaxon, here it is 🤣

That's even worse really, if he's fine in contexts where he's comfortable - sounds like 'laddish' contexts - but can't behave like an adult in contexts that require it. He sounds quite immature to be honest OP.

This is so fucking stupid and condescending.

This is why I learned to do it myself.

When I’ve taken out sons, I have to hover to make sure barbers don’t get scissor-happy with their curly hair. DH took our autistic DS1 last time years ago and they cut it way shorter than we talked about. I couldn’t go because of work and DH said he could take him. I asked DH why it was so short and he hadn’t noticed and thought it was fine until DS1 had a bath and got up the next morning. 🙄

I watched countless YouTube videos on techniques and whatnot and only cut both sons’ hair maybe 2-3 times a year.

It's not that I don't like him, I think the problem is that I've lost all respect for him.

He has put me through a lot and over time I've become less and less tolerant of all the things I used to take with a pinch of salt, because I loved him. I'm not so sure that I do anymore.

It’s not about the hair. It’s what the hair represents.

He'd rather have a row with me than speak up about anything, to anyone. He's the sort or person who stands somewhere for 5+ long minutes waiting for somebody to move, even when hes running late or he's holding the rest of us up, because he feels 'too awkward' to say excuse me.

Everyone else gets the best of him - Mr. Nice guy, good mood, friendly face. You get the disappointment, you shoulder all the hard work, you make the tough decisions.

I don’t know the ‘term’ for a person like this - maybe spineless? - but it’s my biggest pet peeve in a person. And it’s horrible to be the one person in the world that gets mistreated by them, and nobody else ever seems to notice.

Do you think kids who’ve lost their hair want to be used to emotionally blackmail others?

So what would you do? Divorce?

Me too, was the pun intended? 😂

Wow, the comments telling you that hair grows are annoying! As if you didn’t know that.

It sounds like this incident is a symptom of a bigger problem. I guess all you can do is try to sit your h down and explain how big a problem it is. Unfortunately IME men often don’t listen until it’s crisis point.

No but now I'm laughing too 😂

Thank you all for the replies, I'm reading everything and strongly agree with so much of what has been said.

The part about everybody else getting the best bits whilst I shoulder all of the disappointment is spot on.

People saying that his hair will grow back are completely missing the point.

My first thought too.

Anxious people pleasing - especially with strangers and acquaintances - is a classic masking tactic and often accounts for adults being undiagnosed.

May or not be applicable or change how you feel about the situation, OP, but worth considering.