I specifically said not to shave his head and that's what he comes home like..

[MNADFYUWISH]

We aren't in a good place relationship-wise so for that reason I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable and just intolerant, or whether anybody else would be pissed off aswell.

DS (almost 7 and autistic) goes to the barbers once every three months or so. It isn't cheap these days. He does sit still before anybody suggests that may be the reason for this today.

Today he was taken by his dad. I said to get a short back and sides and to leave some length on the top because DS likes to do 'Bart Simpson' hair and spike it all up.

I was very insistent about how he should not have him get a buzz cut (razor all over, very short with very very little hair left - he knows exactly what it is)

Previously, he has returned home with one of these cuts and it looked bloody awful. It doesn't suit him and quite frankly I could do it myself at home. We're going on holiday this week and I always take lots of photos. I just wanted the kids to look nice.

Guess what he came back like? Practically BALD!

Lots of stuttering from DP about how he doesn't know why he did that as he told him not to shave the top, he claims.

The long and the short of it is he just stood there and watched him get the very thing I said I didn't want him to have because he felt too awkward stopping the barber and saying no, we don't want that, we don't want a buzz cut. Nor did he mention anything afterwards despite knowing I wouldn't be happy.

He'd rather have a row with me than speak up about anything, to anyone. He's the sort or person who stands somewhere for 5+ long minutes waiting for somebody to move, even when hes running late or he's holding the rest of us up, because he feels 'too awkward' to say excuse me.

As I said, we're not in a good place atm and have much bigger problems than this. I won't go into it all and colour your view but I'll just say this, the usual shit that brings women to these forums to offload.

This feels a bit like the straw that broke the camels back.

Am I being unreasonable to be so annoyed about this in particular?

It's not the hair cut, it's the fact he stood there like a lemon and let the barber do it without saying anything. The trouble is that leads you to saying OK, I'll do it myself and before you know it there's a whole long list of things you don't feel you can trust your DH to do. It's the water dripping on stone thing, each little thing adds to the pile and erodes the happiness you felt in the early days.

It's possible however he has no interest in looking further into it and is perfectly happy with the way that he is, whatever reasons there may be for it.

As I touched on in a previous post he isn't this way across the board and he has plenty of confidence in other areas.

He was the life and soul of the office when I met him, very loud and always cracking jokes and on to women and that side to him doesn't tally with the other. It's quite confusing to be honest.

Why should OP do every damn thing because it's easier?? She should be able to trust her adult h to take their dc for a hair cut, no?

This!

That is extremely similar to many late diagnosed autistic people I know at work. They are very very comfortable with their tribes in their environments. Family, club, work, hobby whatever. Outside that they haven't learned the rules yet.

But I don't know him of course and this might not apply to him.

Still, you have described several men I know on a nutshell - four diagnosed between 25 and 50, and two of their relatives.

Man messes up appointment......must be autistic.

Obviously.

Man with autistic son displays puzzling behaviour in some social settings.

Nobody's diagnosed him on this thread but people are suggesting that there may be a connection. That's all.

I will give it some thought, thank you.

YANBU.

The haircut in particular isn’t that big a deal. Some barbers are a nightmare and you have to be SO assertive to stop them doing whatever the hell they like. And it’ll grow in no time.

But, this is clearly a symptom of a wider problem that you don’t think your DP is assertive enough in certain situations. Yet he can be in others. Could the difference be where he struggles to challenge people? Is it when he doesn’t really care?

This is affecting you in two ways: 1. Where it doesn’t directly affect you (e.g. canvassers at door) it sounds like it’s putting you off him, 2. It’s sometimes directly affecting you or DS (hold ups, haircut).

Best to communicate how it’s affecting you and see how he responds. A humble, caring person would be concerned and want to be aware if their behaviour’s putting off their partner. But, no one’s Peter Perfect. Everyone has annoyances/flaws. Depends if they’re outweighed by good points and the ways they make your life happier/better.

I sympathise @MNADFYUWISH. My son once came home with a haircut that made him look like Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber, the day before a family wedding. It does sound as thought you have bigger problems, but this wouldn’t have helped things. I would be annoyed too.

My ex was like this. I always wished he would grow a bloody backbone as ultimately the standing up for your family falls unilaterally on you. Basically, he's a man-child. I got rid of mine in the end having realised I was doing everything anyway. Tell him to step up as a father.

Amen to this. Women weren’t born to do the work that men are too shit to learn how to do. (And vice versa)

100%. As co-parents you need to discuss, come to a mutually acceptable decision (haircut DC likes and you both think suits him), then deliver on it. It’s v common for certain men (once fathers) to leave all the advocacy for the kids to the mother. But if you decide to be a parent, you have to accept you’ll need to advocate for your kid/s to model to them how to do it for themselves.

He was the life and soul of the office when I met him, very loud and always cracking jokes and on to women and that side to him doesn't tally with the other. It's quite confusing to be honest.

Why can’t both be true, especially with the examples you’ve given.

Cracking jokes at the office with people you know and are comfortable with is totally different than being put on the spot with a locksmith or when accosted on the street by a random person wanting money.

Can you not see the difference? Do you have the same level of confidence in all situations? It’s very common not to.

I can’t speak to anything else going but this I wanted comment on.

OP's husband.

I bet your DP did this on purpose. It seems a strangely common thing for men (oh, I just didn’t notice, oh dear it’s the barber’s fault blah blah). He did it because he knew you didn’t want him to. The fact that his own DS didn’t want it done either is way down his list of considerations.

The thing is, as soon as the barber started to shave his head, it was already too late to stop it.

He does need to communicate better. Does your son get a different cut every time? Maybe our barbershop is unusual because they always remember what my son gets.

Oh come on - that's completely ridiculous. And I say this as someone whose son has leukemia and has been completely bald more than once.

Bless you love

Why? Did their father's ignore something they wanted and their mothers specifically asked for too?

Or are you literally focusing on the hair part as if you believe that's what OP is upset about?

It's hard not to feel anger isn't it

We tried giving DS3 a DIY job the once. It looked off so we ran the clippers over him on the longest length. DH went away for work and I noticed DS had patchy hair so went to run the clippers over him again. Well DH after telling me they were set to the same length weren't. It was on the shortest setting after DH had used them in-between. My poor boy had a head as smooth as his bum and looked like an egg. I might have cried.

It takes a barber all of a second to run a number two up to the crown and by that point there's really not many options. I can see why your husband might avoid a confrontation at that point, spilt milk and all that - better a finished haircut.

If he takes him back to the same barber next time though then he really is clueless!

Reminds me a friend whose little boy had a 'pudding bowl' type of haircut, (1980s) she thought he looked cute. She went away for a weekend, and dad took him and got it cut into short, back, and sides. Not a buzzcut but definitely not what she wanted for her little angel little boy.

There's an interesting documentary on Iplayer with Chris Packham, where he follows the lives of four different autistic people. One the the women on it was a stand up comedian/improv artist, and was so funny and outgoing on stage. She was completely different at home where she would feel constantly overwhelmed and shut down. I also immediately thought your husband is probably undiagnosed.

op you may well already know of it but my son recently diagnosed asc and I was recommended to read a book called is this autism. Very well written and It’s been so poignant- understanding him, but also realising I’m probably autistic and very likely my last partner who was the non assertive ditherer. I had known it would’ve made so much difference when we were together.
what people are saying about your partner, being fine in some contexts and completely floundering in others makes a lot of sense to me, I’m very like this and my friends can’t believe it but I am unable to speak in some settings and it feels so so shameful when it happens. that kind of anxiety is possibly even more shameful for a lot of men, so it might be in part difficult to really acknowledge ir get in touch with.

Or maybe he’s just a prick, only you can say!