I specifically said not to shave his head and that's what he comes home like..

[MNADFYUWISH]

We aren't in a good place relationship-wise so for that reason I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable and just intolerant, or whether anybody else would be pissed off aswell.

DS (almost 7 and autistic) goes to the barbers once every three months or so. It isn't cheap these days. He does sit still before anybody suggests that may be the reason for this today.

Today he was taken by his dad. I said to get a short back and sides and to leave some length on the top because DS likes to do 'Bart Simpson' hair and spike it all up.

I was very insistent about how he should not have him get a buzz cut (razor all over, very short with very very little hair left - he knows exactly what it is)

Previously, he has returned home with one of these cuts and it looked bloody awful. It doesn't suit him and quite frankly I could do it myself at home. We're going on holiday this week and I always take lots of photos. I just wanted the kids to look nice.

Guess what he came back like? Practically BALD!

Lots of stuttering from DP about how he doesn't know why he did that as he told him not to shave the top, he claims.

The long and the short of it is he just stood there and watched him get the very thing I said I didn't want him to have because he felt too awkward stopping the barber and saying no, we don't want that, we don't want a buzz cut. Nor did he mention anything afterwards despite knowing I wouldn't be happy.

He'd rather have a row with me than speak up about anything, to anyone. He's the sort or person who stands somewhere for 5+ long minutes waiting for somebody to move, even when hes running late or he's holding the rest of us up, because he feels 'too awkward' to say excuse me.

As I said, we're not in a good place atm and have much bigger problems than this. I won't go into it all and colour your view but I'll just say this, the usual shit that brings women to these forums to offload.

This feels a bit like the straw that broke the camels back.

Am I being unreasonable to be so annoyed about this in particular?

Did your husband tell the barber what to do, or did the barber just get the clippers out and start cutting (either without asking or ignoring what had been asked for)... they move fast, if they're cutting it too short the window for saying anything is very small!

You can't blame your husband for the barber being a dick.

Does dh come from an abusive home? That might explain his inability to speak up and assert himself.

you know what they say, if you want something doing properly you have to do it yourself

I think a lot of dads do this so that they don't have to take lads to the barber as often.

My goodness yes. It's the weak, cowardly people pleasing thing and it drives me mad. I have never known anybody as bad for it as he is and quite frankly now he has kids he just needs to suck it up tbh.

He has stood there and allowed me to be scammed out of £350 by a fraudster masquerading as a locksmith because he felt too awkward to get involved and say anything - despite admitting once he'd left that he didn't think it sounded right.

He will allow himself to be held hostage by chuggers in the street for 10+ minutes when we have somewhere to be, because he doesn't like saying "sorry, not interested"

Ditto salesmen or johovas witnesses who come to the door.

He is completely incapable of advocating for himself, and now our children.

The point about DS learning that his dad will never speak up for him is exactly what I said to DP (in private, away from DS)

What's he going to say if DS is bullied and the school isn't dealing with it effectively? Nothing?

I'm so sick of it.

Covert narcissist - I'm not familiar with that variant! I'll look it up.

What does his father's hair look like? If he gets something very specific, then YANBU because he manages to ask for that without issue, but if he's bald or has long hair, it makes sense that he wouldn't instantly be able to completely change his personality on your instruction, particularly if he never goes to the barber himself.

Your ex is an idiot. Your child is now sporting a hair cut that no one is happy with.

But, fuck me, surely you knew this would happen OP? It’s not the first time & he has no back bone or has done it on purpose to piss you off.

The blessing is it will grow back quickly. Do not allow him to take DS for haircuts ever again.

His story doesn’t make sense. Barbers or hairdressers don’t just get the clipper / shaver out and go for the buzz cut unless told otherwise. It’s a not bloody default setting.

the barber may have asked does he want it cutting on top, but even then i struggle to believe the guy didn’t clarify how much etc.

your husband had to have indicated a buzz cut with words along tone lines of “yeah just the same all over is fine”.

id be fuming with him.

Most barbers for some reason want to utterly scalp young boys. The barber is just as guilty as DH. Anyone half decent could make the cut suit the customer. You can do a buzz cut yourself at home.

Barbers usually have two different prices, one for a 'clipper cut' (usually cheaper!) and one for a scissor cut (altho usually they'll use the clippers round the back and sides possibly).
Id bet your husband was just being cheap and spotted the lower priced clipper cut. Id have been furious too OP, as others have said barbers ALWAYS ask and they arent stupid, they know what it means to leave length on the top.
Your partner was just being lazy and cheap and will have just asked for a 'no.3' or whatever.

He swears blind that he told the barber he wants a short back and sides with length left on top.

Except I don't expect that from my partner and the co-parent of my child. I very much expect him to be able to do at least basic parenting of saying things like "this is what my child needs". And he can.

Was it a Turkish barbers? Quality varies wildly between the butchers.

For one thing, that's fine. Maybe if the husband has a phobia of barbers or something. If though you are married to someone unwilling/unable to ever be assertive ever - even when it has a negative impact on themselves, or their wife or their child, that gets exhausting really quickly - it is possible for the other parent to step in anytime a situation might involve expressing ones wishes to someone else. But its not fair and frankly, extremely unattractive. I don't need an alpha male caveman - in fact personally I like laid back men, but there is a point it becomes weakness.

OP, I get it. Comments like this are why it's so fucking annoying.

I mean how hard is it up say 'short sides, leave it longer on top please'? Does he hold down a job?

It's weaponised incompetence. And people fall for it & actually compensate & pander to it.

I think technically by today's standards yes, he'd get a smacked bottom If he was being particularly naughty or doing something dangerous. It was the norm at the time I guess.

He was loved and well taken care of otherwise. He was 1 of 4 boys and I think his mum did do her best.

In which case id be heading straight back to the barbers (WITH your husband!) to ask for an explanation.
He may have asked for that but also asked for the clipper cut and even on the max setting if the whole lot is done with clippers it will be short. You need to explain to your husband he needs to be clear with the barbers that they need to do a scissor cut on the top and you want it left longer than clippers would achieve

What is a fanny flap?

Why on earth would you bring children with cancer into this?

I always used to say no clippers for DS, so no danger of it being too short. DS didn't like it short either.

I don't even want to say what his hair is like as ill be told to LTB for that alone 🤣

Yes it's a very specific thing and so far removed from a 'regular' mens cut.

The people pleasing does sound frustrating to be on the other side of. However, it's an issue driven by anxiety, and i cant imagine it would feel very easy to combat when met with such contempt and scorn by your partner. Perhaps you are venting more on here than you ever would to him... but I'd feel awful if my partner viewed my inadequacies in that manner - we are a team with different strengths and weaknesses and need to encourage each other rather than tear down.

I'd be disappointed by the hair too, especially with the holiday, but I think you need to let it go - it's done now and no actual harm to anyone.

@Boomer55

yep she should absolutely do everything herself, everything. Because, I mean, just why should their Dad be able to act like an adult & take a kid for a haircut & not bring him back looking like a convict. I mean, poor men expected to be able to adult.

@MNADFYUWISH

it sounds like you have some serious thinking to do on holiday with the 'other stuff' but don't dismiss this. You're right, he's wet & would rather have a row with you, upset his son in order not to speak up. I couldn't be done with it personally.