People are talking about my 10 year old DD

[hi2416]

I’m really confused what to do and how to handle this. I’ve ignored it as been going on for about a year but it doesn’t seem to end. I stupidly thought I had heard the last of this! Saw a mum whose DS is in same class as my DD. She told me sorry she didn’t come to my DD’s party and she told me it’s because her DS is trying to stay away “from all the drama”, I wasn’t aware there was drama obviously I did know something was going on but not to this extent. It seems innocent enough that my daughter for about a year and a half has been saying she has a crush on so and so (changes from week to week). She’s my eldest so I had no experience but apparently the kids have been going home and telling their parents she has a crush on all the boys in class etc. I dontknow how to handle this. Should I ignore like I have been? Shall I say something to DD? I briefly spoke this morning to her and explained sometimes small things people can take wrong way and we should be careful but I don’t think she understood.

I’ve told her to just play with the girls when she gets back to school. The thing is I cannot ignore this anymore as so many parents have come to me to tell me so it’s not as small as I’m thinking plus she is getting left out now as people are trying to stay away from her, I didn’t think I would be dealing with these kind of issues at such a young age! Please be kind. I’m prepared for weird and thoughtless responses that attract these kind of threads in the beginning, so I won’t read straight away but will come back later to get a jist of what people are saying and answer any follow up questions to help me understand this. Thank you

I think you need to ask the parents what drama. My child occassional says such and so are going OK and I say OK, what do you fancy for dinner. What you descibe isn’t drama. Some thing else must be going on.

I'm not sure I understand, so the "drama" is that your DD apparently has crushes on boys in her class? That doesn't sound particularly dramatic to me! Am I missing something?

Yeah there must be more to this. Is there a parent you can trust to tell you the truth?

Or you could try the class teacher?

Sorry I just was adding this to my edit but seen people are asking. So the mum said her DS didn’t want to come to the party as the other boys will say he’s her boyfriend. My DD is oblivious of any of this she has no idea.

I’d maybe ask the teachers what’s going on, then speak to your daughter to find out her take on it.

EDIT - just seen that the other boys will say he’s her boyfriend. Seems a bit OTT from the other parent, but maybe just tell her to stop telling people who she fancies going forward and I’m sure the whole thing will be forgotten very quickly!

I fully trust this mum and she told me she’s got older daughters and the school can be quite mean. She said she had the same with one of her daughters so she’s trying to help me. She said my DD seems really innoncent and people will use this against her. I’m really surprised as they’re 9 and 10 year olds! I wasn’t expecting this at all. Is it because kids are more grown up now? The lady who told me is very lovely and I could tell from her face she was debating whether to open up Or not.

I'd just ignore it.

That makes me feel a little better. They way the parents are making me feel is I’m letting my kids go wild and have no boundaries!

100% there’s more to this than what you’ve been told so far

It sounds like your DD's crushes are embarrassing the boys involved and it's become the source of entertainment in the class. I would suggest to her that she keeps the crushes to herself.

Yes, you need more clarity. IMO school parents never say anything remotely critical about another patent’s child direct to their face unless it’s a real issue. Years ago a 10yo friend of my daughter had a real fixation about one particular boy and became almost stalkerish to the point the boy hid from her in the playground and park. Her mum had to speak to her about boundaries.

Does your dd have a phone?

I agree. How do I approach this with her? Sorry I don’t think I’m good at approaching things. What can I say?

No. I don’t think the other kids do either. Maybe one or 2. She hasn’t even asked for one yet.

Does she watch Married At First Sight type stuff with you? Could she be imitating the dramatics? I wonder if she thinks it’s a way to be “mature” and cool and is getting it wrong, poor thing.

I think this may well be the case. I’d have a word with your DD - it’s not a good idea if she’s doing this. She might well deny it so you’re going to have to tread carefully, but you do need to raise it. Hopefully even if she denies it to you, she will understand that she needs to stop.

Thank you so much everyone! I was bracing myself to be told what an awful mother I am lol! You never know how AIBU threads go but this is all very helpful thank you. She is very childish if I’m honest like she will tell her younger brother she will marry him and they will live together next door. I kind of thought it was sweet when she was younger but she’s still talking about it!

At 10 the problem might be more that your dd isn’t conventionally pretty than anything else. I’d be shocked if she wasn’t also being bullied or left out in other ways too but doesn’t realise it. Tell her to keep the crushes to herself. When she starts secondary all this will sort itself out.

I’d maybe have a chat about boundaries, what things we share with people and what things we keep to ourselves/family/close friends. Most girls will have a little crush at some point, it’s normal, but telling everyone isn’t, so maybe just have a chat about what is appropriate to share and what isn’t

Something similar happened in my son's year, it may or may not be this but posting in case it's helpful.

Basically one of the girls would announce that she had a crush on one of the boys and would then follow them around at break and lunch and talk about being 'boyfriend/girlfriends'. After a week or so she would get bored, announce a different crush and then follow them around with all the girlfriend / boyfriend talk. The 'jilted' boyfriend of the previous week would be upset and fall out with the girl and the new boyfriend. It got to the point when most of the boys had a falling out and now weren't friends. And the other girls in the class were trying the same thing - this was year 5 or 6 at school.
In the end the school had to get involved and talk to the children about what was going on and it calmed down.

It sounds silly but they were all taking their relationships and the 'betrayal' very seriously.

I’ve got sons so not experienced with daughters, but I’d say that one of the boys’ mums has said he’s a bit embarrassed because someone has said you fancy him. It might be better not to tell anyone at school if you like someone - you can tell me though. Is there someone you like?

Would that work?

My two are pretty straightforward lads so I’d be more direct with mine - have you been embarrassing Caitlin? If so, back off as she’s upset.

Tell her to keep it to herself if she has a crush, because it can cause a lot of embarrassment to the child she has a crush on.

If you flip this the other way and you had a DS who was telling a girl or a series of girls in the class that he loved her and she was his girlfriend, etc, when the girl didn't like it, even at 9 or 10 the school (and Mumsnet!) would be talking very seriously about consent, boundaries, respect, and probably sexual harassment and safeguarding.

Fully prepared to accept your DD is very innocent of all of this, but if you think of it in those terms, you can see why it may be upsetting to the boys involved, and also embarrassing if kids are teasing each other about being the one your DD "loves".

I agree with PP - you need to talk to a class teacher her and some parents you trust, and ask them to be wholly honest with you. Do not bite their heads off or get defensive, just listen. And then talk to your DD, not in vague terms as you have tried, but clearly, about consent and reciprocity and not forcing her feelings onto other people.

I’d tell her that age 10 is too young for any boyfriend and girlfriend nonsense and to stop it. Sexualising and romanticising childhood isn’t “innocent”. She doesn’t have crushes. So stop allowing her to even think and say that any more than you’d let her say she had a driving test. It’s not true and you are making her seem like a dramatic little girl who no one wants to play with as she will fancy them.

What? Where did the OP say anything about her DD’s looks? And why would her looks be a “problem”?
If she’s being bullied, why would going to secondary school sort it out? Bullying is often worse in secondary than primary.