People are talking about my 10 year old DD

[hi2416]

I’m really confused what to do and how to handle this. I’ve ignored it as been going on for about a year but it doesn’t seem to end. I stupidly thought I had heard the last of this! Saw a mum whose DS is in same class as my DD. She told me sorry she didn’t come to my DD’s party and she told me it’s because her DS is trying to stay away “from all the drama”, I wasn’t aware there was drama obviously I did know something was going on but not to this extent. It seems innocent enough that my daughter for about a year and a half has been saying she has a crush on so and so (changes from week to week). She’s my eldest so I had no experience but apparently the kids have been going home and telling their parents she has a crush on all the boys in class etc. I dontknow how to handle this. Should I ignore like I have been? Shall I say something to DD? I briefly spoke this morning to her and explained sometimes small things people can take wrong way and we should be careful but I don’t think she understood.

I’ve told her to just play with the girls when she gets back to school. The thing is I cannot ignore this anymore as so many parents have come to me to tell me so it’s not as small as I’m thinking plus she is getting left out now as people are trying to stay away from her, I didn’t think I would be dealing with these kind of issues at such a young age! Please be kind. I’m prepared for weird and thoughtless responses that attract these kind of threads in the beginning, so I won’t read straight away but will come back later to get a jist of what people are saying and answer any follow up questions to help me understand this. Thank you

100% this. What can also happen is the boys will start being mean to the girls because they literally don’t know how to handle the situation. I nearly went into school a couple of times after my son told us the boys were punished for saying things to the girls when actually the girls were starting it but never ever punished.

My Y6/Y7 boy is still running round the garden with his brother, obsessed with football and gaming and has conversations with his friends on WhatsApp limited to one word answers; in comparison a lot of the girls in his year are the same height as me, more developed than I’ve ever been physically, and emulate young women to a high degree. The difference between the genders at this age is astronomical!

I have to agree with this.

You should have tackled her statements wrt marrying her brother and living next door as soon as you noticed this sort of thing was persisting.

You need to take a deep breath, and sit your DD down. Maybe take her to a park, sit on a bench together, eat a packed picnic lunch. You need to tell her that she is too young to be considering herself anyone's girlfriend and that the boys she has been bothering are not her boyfriend. You need to tell her the talk of marrying her brother has to stop too. This must be very weird and unpleasant for her brother. It's not cute or sweet. You need to point out that her behaviour has an effect on others.

Explain that she can have friends who are boys, and she can love her brother, but that expressing love in terms of marrying is inappropriate, and not what love of her brother or friendship with schoolmates means.

You need to stop any exposure to media featuring this kind of material. No TV shows, no films (including Disney princess type with a handsome prince or characters ending up married/ kissing), no pop music or music videos. If her father is in the habit of calling her "Daddy's little princess" or similar terms, maybe examine the impact this may have. (Ignore if not applicable).

If she hasn't already been told the facts of life, I recommend The Care and Keeping of You, published by American Girl Publishing. There are several books as part of this series, dealing with puberty, friendship, growing older and hopefully wiser and kinder. She needs to understand what lies ahead, physically, emotionally, and socially.

Ask her teacher to keep a close eye, and to report to you if this behaviour continues.

I'd be very inclined to do whatever it takes to get her into sports or some other demanding extra curricular activity so that she will start to value relationships that are not based on romantic affection, and value people for traits not linked to romance.

It takes a lot for someone to say something to another parent.

It sounds like your DD is making people feel uncomfortable. It's not her fault or yours, but it's far better to deal with it than just assume the school is packed with mean people and bullies, which is very unlikely. Another child constantly declared a crush on my child for years and it was really uncomfortable. The parents laughed and thought it was cute. I eventually went to the school about it and asked for them to be sitting far apart, for the school to reinforce a no touching rule (hugs were an issue) and to speak kindly to the kids about boundaries. It still didn't work and eventually my child snapped and told this child quite bluntly that they didn't like them and to back off, which of course led to tears.

Talk to your kid about boundaries and keeping your feelings private. It's not kind to let her go on like this.

That may well be the case @Nadeed and it could indeed be that this is the actual situation. I certainly would agree that regardless, it is advisable to support the child with learning social skills.

I would just advocate a little caution and finding out more about what is really going on (best done through the school) before reaching any conclusions. The parents are basing their views on what their DC are telling them, which may or may not be true/exaggerated.

I remember a situation when I was a child around the same age and being bullied (though a very different context). The classmates told their parents & their teacher a pack of lies about what I had supposedly done because they claimed they were oh so concerned about me - v convincing they were. My DPs believed them over me, I have never quite got over that.

It takes a lot for someone to say something to another parent.

I don’t necessarily agree tbh. It varies and some parents get fixated on their own kids.

Agree.

And "mooning about" is a great phrase to describe what's going on here.

Redirection is in order here.

@Iceache again, depends on the cohort. DD had a boy in his class who started having a "gf" in y3. By y6 he went through most of the girls in the class . It was a running joke among parents and teachers. DD started getting valentine's day cards in reception ffs.Another who had two gfs at some point. The numbers were pretty "even" in terms of boys and girls who had crushes and bf/gf and those who had absolutely no interest.

This y6 we had no crushes/"relationships". Year before quite a few and some drama, year before one "relationship " and one reciprocated crush , but they both decided they were "too young" 😬, year before that, massive amounts of drama and crushes and makeups and breakups. It varies, and it's not always girl driven or started.

This. It happened to my DS and he HATED it, he just wasn't interested in girls at that age.

I know what you mean, but generally I think most parents know that criticism of another child will not be well received by their parents. Or maybe I just have an overly polite circle. Certainly it's not something I would do lightly, and it sounds like there have been a few here.

My kids do naturally also gravitate away from drama/attention seeking kids at school. If she's behaving in a way that's a bit much, I'd wonder why. Anything going on at home or school that could make her need some attention? Is she perhaps struggling to make friends? She's ten, OP, and you say 'Just play with the girls' but does she have some actual friends?

I wouldn’t do it lightly either, and I agree that most wouldn’t but I have come across a couple in my parenting life that’s all….

I very much doubt this is down to puberty. It's far more likely to be a case of social contagion.

If you examine what's happening, I'd bet the farm that you'll find one or two girls who the drivers of this shift to romantic focus, with others following them out of fear of looking like babies / they don't want to be left out. Often it's girls who have older sisters leading the way.

It's the job of teachers to keep an eye on this sort of contagion in a class and make sure to throw cold water on it.

I haven't read through all the replies and I don't have kids so I'm not replying as a parent either. However, I've got very clear memories of being that age (20+ years ago!) because I moved school several times between Year 4 and 6 (inclusive).

What I found was that there was a really big spectrum in terms of how 'childish' people are at those ages and the school culture can be very different. E.g. in one school I was at, kids still got excited about toys/Disney. I moved and kids the same age were past the toy stage and were trying cigarettes and talking about BFs/GFs.

First, I'd try to find out what the culture is. Then you can think about how to respond to your child. If the other kids are still into toys, etc, your daughter could just stop talking about BFs completely and over time things would go back to normal. If the other kids are also very into talking about BFs/GFs, it seems likely your daughter is missing some of the subtleties, nuances or social cues and is trying to join in but getting it 'wrong'. Children of this age are not very forgiving of differences like that.

Either way, toning her behaviour down is probably a good strategy. If your daughter is oblivious, you could say that 'you've heard' that she's doing X (the problematic behaviour' and just gently talk to her about it with curiosity and a non-judgemental approach. You could ask her to describe how the other kids react to her and see if you can get her to see that the kids are, one way or another, reacting badly.

At this age, she's probably in a class with them all the time which is very intense and means that once she's alienated somebody, she can't really get away from them or easily create a new impression on them. It's a really tough time for kids to navigate the social environment and I really feel for her. Try to think if there's anything you can do to support her friendships, even if it's with friends outside of school.

The DD here has been exhibiting the same behaviour toward her little brother, which the OP has observed for some time in her own home, so she has more than just the report from the boy's mother to make her concerned.

What happened to you sounds awful

Yes it does sound awful

OP the fact your 10 year old DD is saying to her brother she wants to marry him shows she has not learnt what is socially appropriate. You really need to talk to her about these things.

I picked up DS and a couple of his friends from school one day. One of the boys said to other about a girl "She doesn't fancy you. She has friend zoned you". The boys were 8 years old at the time. I was a bit WTF.

Anyway...what everyone else said. Have a gentle chat with her about ther behaviour. It is fine to like someone but not a good idea to go around declaring this to everyone and it can make people feel very uncomfortable. I also agree she may be picking this up from TV or online media. I've never watched it but imagine Love Island type shows could leave a deep impression on kids of that age.

This sounds good. I'd emphasise to her that she might be making the boys / crushes uncomfortable and it would be kinder not to talk about people in a particular way as they might not welcome it.

The puberty comment was in response to the previous comment regarding children being sexualised. I think that girls going through puberty do start having interest in boys and early crushes.

The crushes every week in my daughters class is definitely a social thing- they're playing at being adults- I don't personally think it's an issue that a teacher would need to stop- they play at having crushes, they also play with dolls and play in the park, there's a healthy balance.

The word "crush" has lost all meaning to me!
Personally, I think the marrying the younger brother thing is the really odd bit.
One of my boys had a girl who declared herself in love with him in Year 5. She would sit outside opposite our house, give him presents ( I particularly remember the Playboy aftershave!!) it was excruciating. Then after politely ignoring it all I got screamed at by the girls mother in the supermarket as apparently my DS had been so horrible to her! BTW - This girl could have probably got into a pub and my DS was teeny.
It is a difficult time.
MInd, I had my first "relationship " , as in you're my boyfriend, you're my girlfriend with a boy in year 5 so it can happen. Nothing actually going on though. I still have the lovely bracelet he bought me for my birthday engraved with our names. Need to be reciprocated though.

I’m on the other side as I have an 11 year old boy who has been the subject of this and found it embarrassing and overwhelming. Here (Sydney) most kids do have a phone in year 6 as they use public transport to get to school and within a day of term starting he was being bombarded with messages from girls asking “who do you like” “so and so likes you, do you like her”, sending screenshots where people had professed their “love” for him.
Luckily I read his phone and chatted with him about how to be kind but also how to tell girls you’re not interested (I like her but as a friend) as he is basically more interested in football and Minecraft.
The girls are always doing the “ooo you like her” when the boys just talk to a girl. I’ve explained how their hormones make them act one way when they probably don’t even know what they’re doing.
So yes I would strongly implore you to get her to rein it in because for most boys of this age it’s just hugely embarrassing to be the subject of someone’s unasked for attention.

I do think a teacher should intervene and provide a much needed dose of reality, sanity, and a lesson on respect.

If it was the boys pestering the girls, I would hope someone would sit everyone down and explain how they were crossing lines that shouldn't be crossed. But it's no less serious when it's girls doing this.

"Hormones" whether testosterone, estrogen, or progesterone are not an excuse for pursuing girls or boys - but I see this as a case of mimicking material children have seen at home online, on TV, etc, or have seen older siblings focus on, and a problem in the class dynamics.

The tween years are a period when tribes emerge in school groups. The girls band together, and so do the boys. There can be sub tribes. Crossing the boy/ girl divide or being neurodivergent can be punished by the larger group.

There can be problems with bullying behaviour, particularly among girls - not knocking each other over and stealing lunch money, but subtle knowing looks passed between them, little sniggers when the target girl speaks, isolating a girl perceived as smelly or babyish or a bit weird (i.e. having interests the main group doesn't share, and not realizing she needs to hide her individuality).

If this dynamic exists in a class, it can make everyone watch their back and feel pressure to join the behaviour. It certainly is a teacher's job to keep track of the undercurrents in the group.

If one or two girls who are seen as leaders - in fashion or perceived sophistication or good looks - decide that declaring themselves in love is their new thing, or teasing boys gives them a sense of their own importance, it can catch on fast.

My husbands nephew is the same age as my son , a few months older but 9 . He's mildly autistic but he likes provoking other people and is very blunt but fully understands, he had been telling my son and his classmates like he likes these 2 girls and wants to kiss them.We had took my son and him and 2 of their friends on a day out cus it was my sons birthday. At first he started making fun of the boys , insulting them , and started conversation about the girls.The boys made fun of him and then he didn't like it went home made a big fuss. So I went there and told him off and told him if he doesn’t like people mentioning it then he should keep stuff like that to himself. Because if you give people way , they will find excuses to pick on you. So his mom had a word with him after I left and I haven't bothered taking him out again because I felt offended on how he had acted. Also we spent loads of money felt there was no appreciation because his mom acted like he was bullied. The point I'm trying to make is if your daughter doesn't stop , kids are gonna make fun of her and exclude her. U need to sit down and have a conversation with her.

I would;

1. ask your daughter how things are at school, who she likes hanging out with and whether she is kind to her friends etc. Do it on a walk, or playing in the garden, so that there’s no distraction. You may find out more than you think?
2. have a chat with the teacher ; is everything ok? I’ve heard that there is drama, and I just wanted to ensure the wellbeing of my daughter?
3. ask the friendly mum to elaborate. What does she think is going on.
4. have a chat with your daughter about what fancying means and how boys and girls do like each other, but usually when they’re older it’s romantic where they want to hold hands and cuddle etc. at 10, you can like a friend, but that doesn’t mean you have a crush on them….maybe she doesn’t really understand what a crush is?

good luck. I think that as kids get older, we should probably ‘ zoom in’, rather than out. My kids are 5 and 12. I can ignore some of what my 5 year old comes out with, but my internal warning signals go off with the 12 year old.

Mum of boys here but I have one the same age, crushes definitely start happening around this age.
last school year my Ds would often come home telling me all the gossip of who had a crush on who. He finds it all very cringe worthy and hates it if his name is mentioned. He would definitely start to distance himself from anyone who announced they had a crush on him.
i was quite taken aback at first as they seem too little but then remembered games of kiss chase when i was in school 😂
perhaps a gentle chat about not sharing all our thoughts with everyone may help?
A diary may be a good idea so she can write whatever she is feeling in there to offload.

I went to school decades and decades ago and lots of children had crushes at thar age. People used to write things like AB 💛 CD on their rulers. Perfectly harmless and I doubt anybody discussed it with their mothers. I can't understand that it's such a hot topic as long as she isn't following the boys in question around or bothering them.