People are talking about my 10 year old DD

[hi2416]

I’m really confused what to do and how to handle this. I’ve ignored it as been going on for about a year but it doesn’t seem to end. I stupidly thought I had heard the last of this! Saw a mum whose DS is in same class as my DD. She told me sorry she didn’t come to my DD’s party and she told me it’s because her DS is trying to stay away “from all the drama”, I wasn’t aware there was drama obviously I did know something was going on but not to this extent. It seems innocent enough that my daughter for about a year and a half has been saying she has a crush on so and so (changes from week to week). She’s my eldest so I had no experience but apparently the kids have been going home and telling their parents she has a crush on all the boys in class etc. I dontknow how to handle this. Should I ignore like I have been? Shall I say something to DD? I briefly spoke this morning to her and explained sometimes small things people can take wrong way and we should be careful but I don’t think she understood.

I’ve told her to just play with the girls when she gets back to school. The thing is I cannot ignore this anymore as so many parents have come to me to tell me so it’s not as small as I’m thinking plus she is getting left out now as people are trying to stay away from her, I didn’t think I would be dealing with these kind of issues at such a young age! Please be kind. I’m prepared for weird and thoughtless responses that attract these kind of threads in the beginning, so I won’t read straight away but will come back later to get a jist of what people are saying and answer any follow up questions to help me understand this. Thank you

It depends on the cohort really. I've seen everything from no one gives a shit, to huge dramas with gossip, teasing, "stealing" bf/gf, breakups , fallouts and so on.

Funnily enough, "don't you even think about having a crush" never worked.

Aren't crushes things you keep to yourself?

I can't imagine it appropriate in 99% of circumstances to tell someone you have a crush on them.

Are you 100% sure the other mum is to be trusted?

Have other people turned down your DD's party? If yes, could you ask another mum you know why.

Just seems a bit weird the way the other mum phrased things and mentioning 'all the drama' seems a bit shit-stirrey for me.

How else would you know if they like you back?😬

It is perfectly normal to have crushes at 10, even 9, 8, 7, 6. There’s no “sexualisation” in it; it’s a normal human emotion. It’s more important not to ignore children’s crushes, or they’ll end up with all of these feelings that they don’t understand and no one to talk to about it. So where will they learn about these feelings? TV, music, and social media. What’s worse - having a crush and understanding it through conversations with parents, or having a crush and understanding it through an Ariana Grande song or memes?

I have worked with children of a similiar age and surprisingly some of the girls were really quite aggressive in their crushes and flirting.

It is a very awkward time and some of the boys of that age haven't caught up yet and still think girls are annoying or gross (and then for the rest of their lives things usually switch which is ironic).

It's important to teach her boundaries around this and from what you are saying, it is very likely not that she "just has crushes"... it's probably more that her behaviour towards those boys is making them uncomfortable and they are likely acting out in response.

It's quite an uncomfortable thing to talk about, but us teachers used to privately discuss this phase and the extra supervision needed of these particular girls.

From my memory it usually only lasts about 6 months to a year.

Talk to the school when back and see what their take is - could be this other mother is a dram lama or this is a rumour mill to justify excluding your child ie bullying or your child's social skills are lacking and she needs some help and guidance.

I wouldn't go on what this other mother is saying - or any of the school gossip - but talk to her teacher and ask if they have any idea - can they keep an eye on your DD to see what is actually going on.

In meantime I assume you are monitoring phone and any social media and other say be more aware of any media she consumes.

If there is any inkling it is driven by bullying speak to the teacher stressing the need for sensitivity.

I’m a boy mum so have little experience of girls, but from our experience, talk of ‘crushes’ etc is very much started by the girls (my elder boy just finished Year 6). We had some terrible problems with girls messaging my son (we check his phone & he has restrictions etc) to the point of him being hounded by a few of them. From speaking to other boy mums, this sort of behaviour isn’t isolated. I think girls mature more quickly so tend to develop crushes etc before the boys. I didn’t speak to school etc as we dealt with it at home, but if I were to speak to the girl mums, this is what I’d say:

Restrict social media (including WhatsApp) access; have games consoles (where they speak to friends) in family areas so you can keep tabs; watch carefully their YouTube content consumption, and discuss all these things with them. I honestly think open dialogue about these feelings solves a lot of problems. In the same way it is my job to teach my sons about consent, girl mums must teach that consent also includes not participating in harassment: you might like someone, but they have the right to live their life without constant unwanted attention.

If she's 10, assume she's going into Y6. I think that's when some of them do start getting in to boys etc. I disagree with @fourelementary saying it's too young, plenty of girls will be starting puberty, getting periods etc. in this year.

I noticed in both my daughters' last year at primary there was a real gap between those who were starting to think about boys and have crushes and those who weren't, I think it's perfectly normal. I had one daughter on each side!
But @hi2416 maybe your daughter does need to keep it to herself or among her close friends rather than declaring her crushes to all around her? That's probably what's making things awkward. I also think they all love a bit of drama in Y6 & Y7, so any potential thing gets blown out of proportion.

That's what alcohol is for.

There was a 9 yo who was like this she’d bring sweets and give them to her boyfriend. It was all very dramatic and boyfriend would change sometimes more than once a day. It was attention seeking I guess but it was not popular with the rest of the class as quickly got very tedious.

Maybe a chat about positive and negative attention, also does she have a lot going on outside of school? I’d be encouraging her to focus on a hobby or musical interest so she’s got something to talk about when she’s looking for interaction.

Hmm I am not sure whether you should be as unquestioningly trusting of this mum and her motives. Even presuming that what she has told you is well-intentioned and she is as lovely as you say, are you sure that her take on this situation is an accurate one ie that your DD is the 'problem' in this situation?

There is something really off about all these parents complaining to the OP about behaviour which seems on the face of it, harmless. There might well be a bullying campaign against her, and some children can be very devious; eg what if they are acting in league in complaining about her to their parents?

I really would recommend having a discreet conversation with your DD's class teacher to get to the bottom of this.

Tbh if is she announcing it to the class/boy(s) in question I think you should have tried to stop this about a year ago!

Some things you have to keep to yourself-for your own sake as well as others!

I think I'd have a chat with DD then buy her a notebook where she can write her crushes in ect (my DD is also 10) last year was he'll in Yr 5 for this some of the things I found on DDs xbox was of adult nature from other children!

It's this. The boys don't like her like this, and they're embarrassed. They're talking about her and possibly laughing at her. I'd have a word with your daughter and explain what's happening. Hopefully she'll leave the boys alone for a bit.

Kids do things like this all the time. I think you should say, when you have a crush on someone, that is a secret you only tell mummy / granny etc. It's a good thing to learn we all have crushes on people and we do not to tell anyone apart from a special confidante to avoid embarrassment and awkwardness all round. It is very uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of an unwanted crush. You can help her to socialise by teaching these boundaries so she's accepted better by her peers. Bring up the conversation by asking what did this person say, what did that person say, then analyse it and discuss how this was a stupid or clever thing to say. Help your child get a bit smarter with what to say and not say. Just like you don't say someone is fat etc. Sometimes kids like saying things to get a laugh or create a bit of drama, they enjoy the immediate attention they get but they don't like the long term effect of being ostracised from the group by committing a social faux pas or by being annoying. Boys do this all the time in different ways. Maybe she should be in a drama group where she can do some performing and get an outlet for entertaining people in a constructive way. .

I agree with this.
Sometimes children who are not so socially skilled at this age can enjoy attention from classmates when really the classmates are using the child for their own entertainment.
Some children may be encouraging your DD to talk about who is her latest crush, laughing at who she says, and then saying loudly to the boy in question DD fancies you. Will you be her boyfriend? etc.
This kind of situation is not that unusual.
I would use social stories to talk to your DD about good and bad attention from classmates and how playing up to that is not helpful.
You can't sort this kind of think through coming down on kids involved. Because the meanness is often subtlish and your DD probably does not realise the kids are being mean to her. The best way is developing your DDs social understanding and social skills.

I have teen boys and I remember this sort of thing when they were in year 5/6. The girls matured sooner and started to talk about boyfriends and dating and crushes and so on, while the boys still wanted to play football and Lego. Rather than being flattered, the boys found it painfully embarrassing, especially when the girls were very vocal, claiming they loved the boys and they were going to marry them. The boys affected would then be teased by the other boys.

The girls didn’t mean any harm, they were just growing up, and learning about life and relationships. But the boys weren’t ready for that.

OP I would try and tell your DD that she needs to keep quiet about her crushes. I can’t think of anything else you can do.

You need to get the teachers perspective on the story.

@Livingtothefull the parents are trying to help the DD. I have seen these kind of situations before where a child slowly ostracises themselves from their peers because their social skills are poor and their parent either does not recognise this, or fails to tackle it.
When you are very young you can get away with poorer social skills than your peers. But there comes a point where you cant.

The girls in my DS's class started chatting about crushes when they were around this age, and some of the boys got really really embarrassed as they just weren't interested. I had to talk to the teacher when one of them cornered my ds and the others were all yelling 'kiss kiss'. He was very upset by the whole situation and didn't want to go to school for a few days afterwards. He just thought of the girls as friends and all the talk of crushes and boyfriends / girlfriends came way too early for him (and some of his friends).

So maybe it's just that? Maybe your dd and some of her friends are talking about boys in their class in a particular way that makes the boys uncomfortable.

Maybe it's me but she seems oddly obsessed with romantic relationships/coupling up for her age. I would be concerned. Kids her age should be developing autonomy and curiosity about the world and getting to know their own strengths, not mooning about over marrying, boyfriends, crushes, etc.

Maybe it doesn't seem 'harmless' to the boys concerned though?

@BettyBardMacDonald it is normal. It is when puberty starts and all those hormones are released.