People are talking about my 10 year old DD

[hi2416]

I’m really confused what to do and how to handle this. I’ve ignored it as been going on for about a year but it doesn’t seem to end. I stupidly thought I had heard the last of this! Saw a mum whose DS is in same class as my DD. She told me sorry she didn’t come to my DD’s party and she told me it’s because her DS is trying to stay away “from all the drama”, I wasn’t aware there was drama obviously I did know something was going on but not to this extent. It seems innocent enough that my daughter for about a year and a half has been saying she has a crush on so and so (changes from week to week). She’s my eldest so I had no experience but apparently the kids have been going home and telling their parents she has a crush on all the boys in class etc. I dontknow how to handle this. Should I ignore like I have been? Shall I say something to DD? I briefly spoke this morning to her and explained sometimes small things people can take wrong way and we should be careful but I don’t think she understood.

I’ve told her to just play with the girls when she gets back to school. The thing is I cannot ignore this anymore as so many parents have come to me to tell me so it’s not as small as I’m thinking plus she is getting left out now as people are trying to stay away from her, I didn’t think I would be dealing with these kind of issues at such a young age! Please be kind. I’m prepared for weird and thoughtless responses that attract these kind of threads in the beginning, so I won’t read straight away but will come back later to get a jist of what people are saying and answer any follow up questions to help me understand this. Thank you

She may well have crushes at 10, it’s pretty normal and not sexual at that age. But it is not abnormal to start to have romantic feelings around the start of puberty.

I would check your DD’s internet history and see if she’s copying what she’s watching. For example a lot of Disney channel sort of content watched by her age group but with actors who are older than her have storylines about crushes.

I would tell your dd that she can tell you who her crushes her but not to discuss it at school as it embarrasses the boy when his friends tease him about it.

Did any boys come to her party ? Maybe make future ones girl only to discourage her thinking or talking about boys.

What on earth? Are you suggesting that the young girl in question is unattractive? How is that relevant anyway? Where have you got this from?

I think at this age girls often like boys as more than a friend. Hormones start to kick in. Boys aren’t to concerned about having a girlfriend. Maybe it’s that the boys are finding it a bit much. A chat about difference in friendship/relationships might be worthwhile. I bet she isn’t the only girl who likes boys though! Also at this age girls start to fall out with friends and change friendships. I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She is just being 10.

10 is certainly too young for talk about boyfriends and girlfriends etc, but I would say that kids having crushes at primary school is entirely normal. They don't mean much but they are real enough to the child.

OP, as others have said, I would just have a chat and say that it's perfectly normal to "like" people but best to keep these things private so that you don't embarrass or offend anyone. I would also have a chat with the class teacher to ensure that you have the full picture of whatever has been going on. They may be able to help reinforce messages with your dc and/or with the class as a whole that they are too young to be talking about boyfriends and girlfriends at this age, they are all just friends.

Of course 10 is too young for an actual relationship, but I disagree very strongly with the idea of just saying ‘you don’t have crushes and that’s that’, which could do a lot more harm than good in my opinion. This is an opportunity to discuss, in an age-appropriate way, how to deal with certain feelings and situations which she and her friends will all come across as they turn into teenagers, and to explain what’s appropriate, what’s not, and why. At the root of it are some really important ideas, e.g. nobody belongs to anyone else, nobody is entitled to anyone’s attention, and nobody needs someone else to fancy them to validate their existence.

So the mum said her DS didn’t want to come to the party as the other boys will say he’s her boyfriend

I think that it's quite common for there to be 'Urgghh, she fancies you, you're her boyfriend' teasing of boys when they're friends with girls at that age (and vice versa for girls). It's annoying and it's bullshit - I speak as a girl who played with boys a lot when I was a child and got teased a lot about it, as did the boys who played with me. And that was without me ever mentioning 'crushes' (I didn't have any!).

I think maybe some of the boys are finding it embarrassing, I know one of my ds did at that age. He even had a couple of notes from girls, he was always kind about saying sorry no I don't want a girlfriend but he found it all a bit embarrassing

It's perfectly normal though for children to start developing crushes at that age and I wouldn't want to make dd embarrassed by saying too much about it but I think you should probably have a little chat to her to see if you can get to the bottom of it all

It's only a drama if you are 9 or 10. If you think you will be teased by going to a party then I guess you don't go. But I do not think that means you should assume your DD is doing something wrong. Best ignored I think.

Do you know where this obsession with crushes and romantic feelings has come from? It might be an idea to look at the kind of media she is consuming.

I would definitely have a word with her about boundaries and making people uncomfortable. A crush in itself is nothing unusual or to be ashamed of but the way she is handling it has clearly become an issue for her classmates.

My DDs had a friend (male) who would tell all the girls that he had crushes on them and it did make them uncomfortable and they ended up trying to back away from the friendship. I spoke to his mother who had a word with him about different types of love eg: crushes and friendship love and how crushes were natural and he was just figuring out his feelings but that maybe he didn't need to tell everyone as it can make people uncomfortable and not everyone is interested in crushes and romance. It was good his mum spoke to him as it quickly was forgiven and forgotten by their friendship group and probably was a conversation about boundaries that we all needed to reassure the kids about.

I think it sounds like she’s being bullied.

In my experience year 6 is hell tbh. Dd2’s class were vile, not that this helps you in any way.

My daughter and her friends (going I to year 4, nearly 9) are constantly talking about who fancies who, who is dating who etc. It's all very light hearted and there is no drama in it. No one is bothered, either children or parents. So unless she is harassing/stalking this boy, I think there must be more to this.
Sometimes girls will use something like this as a form of bullying to exclude a child, saying things about them so others avoid them. Do you think that could be the case here?

At that age often the girls are maturing faster than the boys. I remember in DD’s class there was a boy that several of the girls had a crush on and he found it all horribly embarrassing and uncomfortable. He didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but he just wasn’t interested.

When my DS was around 11 I went to a parent function and all these mothers of girls were saying ‘oh you’re X’s mum, my daughter talks about him all the time!’ And I had to break the news that he was nowhere near being interested in girls. In fact he’s only just showing interest now at 16!

Instead of telling her people will get the wrong idea (what is the wrong idea?) tell her that she’s making the boys uncomfortable. It’s never kind to push yourself onto someone who isn’t interested

Hi OP, I dont think there is anything wrong or "dramatic" going on here. I think your DD is perfectly innocent, and other children in the class are just being children - ie little shits, occasionally. 10-11 year olds are still learning all the mechanics of the society, and sometimes their interactions are very clumsy. There are power struggles, popularity contests, silly posturing and desire to be seen as "cool" or whatever.

I think in your case boys dont want to be seen as your DDs "boyfriend" and dont like her having a "crash" on them as its obviously a reason to be teased by others. Edited: I should add I dont think its anything to do with your DD, more an idea of being someone's "crash" - I dont think 10 year old boys are into this kind of thing.

You could speak to the teacher to see how many friends your DD has, and how well she is fitting with her classmates; but I suspect there is nothing sinister going on and she is perfectly fine.

All I would do is maybe have a word with your DD and gently advice her not to tell her classmates she has a "crash" on someone. But only do it if you 100% sure it would not upset or worry her. She will learn it herself, sooner or later ))

I empathise. Perhaps have a nice day out together and broach it. Talk about it like: it's OK to have crushes but these things are personal and part of growing up is learning when to be honest and when not to be. You can always tell me anything because I'm your mum, but some people at school don't like knowing you have a crush on them because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Now that we know, we need to adjust our behaviour so...tell me some ways you behave when you have a crush...that's OK, that's OK, that one might make X feel bad because Y, so let's not do that one. And let's not tell the girls either because this is a private thing for a while.

I think there is a lot more to this story op I have a daughter around the same age (and also have two other older daughters)and this sounds completely alien to me . I think you need to speak to a parent who will be brutally honest with you so you can find out whats really going on

Well, that’s bollocks. My DD is pretty stoical and not melodramatic at all but had a very painful crush at the age of 9. Against my advice she told her friend and it went all round the class and she was mortified.

The chat about "crushes" seems to start ridiculously early. My (otherwise sensible) 7 year old DS, who watches mainly bluey on tv, regularly cheerfully informs me he has a "massive crush" on this or that girl. Usually just one of his friends. Sometimes one becomes a "girlfriend" for a while. I just laugh at it and treat as play like any other, they are role playing being older. I think often it transitions from silly playing to being less discussed, then comes back in at 13 or so in a more "real" way.

I actually think it sounds like your DD could actually be doing it in a bit of an immature way and that's probably why the other kids are getting a bit mortified by it (because at this age they do get embarrassed by people being "babyish") and its probably why they are giving her a wide birth.

Can you (strongly) encourage other interests? What does she like to spend her time doing, it sounds like she needs some more age appropriate topics of conversation about hobbies or interests or things done on weekends etc.

At ten girls are going through puberty so they do start having crushes it's very normal.

My daughter is almost 11 and if there's no more to it this is very normal behaviour from what I've seen. All the little girls have a different crush every week, seems to be the same with the boys and there's all sorts of drama round it, nothing serious. I think there's more to it if this is becoming a thing a lot of parents are commenting on, maybe your daughter is being picked on.

I think your DD’s behaviour is embarrassing her male friends. That’s ok, it happens, but it’s understandable they would want to back off from her friendship for a while .

I think a chat about how it might make her feel if someone she wasn’t interested in announced he had a crush on her and was all gooey about it ( for lack of a better term) in front of her classmates - wouldn’t she be a bit uncomfortable? So she should think about that when she’s with her schoolmates. She needs to remember not everyone will feel the way she does or see it as a nice thing.

Respecting people’s boundaries and treating them with courtesy is tricky when you’re a kid.

The woman was rude in the way she approached this. If she felt something needed to be said, she could have raised it in a much more tactful way. I bet she wouldn't like it if someone said their child didn't want to go to her son's birthday because he's annoying or something.

God, my 10yo DD has crushes ALL THE TIME. Generally a different boy every couple of weeks! I had no idea this caused drama 😂
I mean, I'd rather she didn't, but it's all innocent at 10. Unless your DD is making the boys feel uncomfortable with "chasing" and stalking, then I really don't think this is much to worry about

Have a chat with the other mum again and see if there's more to this. Not necessarily that she did something wrong, but you might have to tackle more than just "has a crush on a boy and tells everyone ".

Does she talk to you about boys/crushes/friendships? If yes, then you already have an in. Just advise her that these feelings are private and fleeting, she can tell you all about it, but try and keep them to herself at school. No one needs to know , but she can talk to you about it.

Also , how did this come about? Does she tell loads of kids , or just the boy/a trusted friend and they share it around? Again, this needs a different talk about what good friendships are and trust.

Yes, even the mum wasn't courteous in how she turned down the party invitation and she's an adult.

Having crushes etc has always been part of school even at a young age, however I would talk to your daughter about what it means and how usually you don’t publicly announce it and also how you don’t change crush every week (if you do then it wasn’t a crush).