To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

My partner doesn't drive, it's a PITA but wouldn't say it's a red flag, he's a good egg ❤️

x-post. I have an ex who didn't drive and all his friends didn't drive. They were all pathetic 30-something indie schmindy milquetoastes who dressed up their inadequacy and fear in vague quasi moral objections to things they had never faced up to learning to do. When they were just drifting about in london and brighton on their pathetic packet-catered picnics, this was not much of a problem, but every now and then they had to get somewhere else and they just looked blank and assumed someone would drive them. Hardly any of them went on to have children but those who did often got together with women who drove and my contempt and irritation with those men is boundless. I will admit that this is heavily loaded with the contempt and irritation with my ex in particular.

Oh, agreed. No argument. I just meant that I made use of facilities I'd paid little attention to before, as I could drive. Some of those facilities, like the subsidised taxis, were not advertised anywhere and I found them by pure chance.

I think a lot of non-drivers don't realise how independent a car makes you.

I never drove until my late twenties for a whole number of reasons and I'm not exaggerating when I say that passing my test changed my life overnight.

I suddenly had all this freedom I never had before. I could wake up and go wherever I wanted - no worries about cancelled trains, bad weather, strikes or anything getting in the way. It was a genuine revelation.

But none of that means I want to drive all the time and always be the one who has the responsibility. I enjoy driving but it's tiring, especially in new places, and on long drives I find I get aches and pains and a bit of a headache. I'd not want to be in a partnership with someone who couldn't share the burden.

I git my first car when i lived in london over 40 years ago - changed my social life!

i could drive up to Norfolk to see family on a friday night and on sunday drive over to suffolk to see my sister before coming back to london. Also when visiting friends outside london i didnt have to expect anyone to pick me up from the station and drop me back.

i had a friend come out of london to a lunch party - she decided not to drive - ended up at a station 40 minutes away so someone had to leave the party to go and pick her up - thats 80 minutes! Not impressed.

We live in a large town which on paper, looks like it has a decent bus service. Theoretically I should be able to get a bus from 30 seconds away from my house and get off 30 seconds from my work, but when I started taking this bus, it never ever managed to get me both to work and home again on the same day. The buses were every half an hour, but you’d be waiting at the bus stop looking at the app and would see a 6 minute delay, which would increase to 10/15/28 minute delay and they would say cancelled and disappear altogether! The same with the next one! I went back to driving which is a nightmare because there isn’t enough parking, but at least I’m not going to be late for work.

I think it’s a huge red flag and will probably be flamed for this. Of course it isn’t for you OP you live in London where there’s fantastic transport links and the majority don’t drive.

i dated someone who didn’t drive and it caused so much resentment. He did end up learning in the end. I hated the fact when we went on holiday or to the cinema or even anywhere I had to drive. We would go to the pub for a meal and he could never say oh you have a glass of wine and I’ll drive this time. It was on me all of the time. It was a lot.

I dreaded the idea of having children with someone who couldn’t drive, who couldn’t do the pick ups without a car seat. I even panicked about being in labour or ill in hospital and having to pay extortionate fees for a taxi. Luckily it never came to that as we didn’t have children- but it does make me and wrongly so, if you don’t have a disability or a genuine reason- get annoyed with people who don’t drive, especially those who happily cruise along in life accepting lifts.

I live very much in the north. A long way beyond Birmingham and not in a city either. We do have buses you know, in the North. Bloody good service where I am in North Yorkshire, £2 will get you a long way. The only people who think you can't get anywhere without a car where I live are people with cars. Because they don't need to use it, they assume the busses are crap and that they couldn't manage.
It's easier to drive, yes. But there's plenty of places outside London where you don't 'need' to drive and it isn't necessary to cadge lifts at all.
Despite fully acknowledging my regrets about not mastering the art of driving and accepting it is restrictive, the more I read this thread, the more I realise how dependant car drivers actually are.
Instead of feeling like some helpless, hopeless no-mark, this thread has buoyed me up somewhat, made me realise that actually it's quite an achievement to have made it to 50 without being able to drive and not been a total shut-in who can't go anywhere without imposing on friends and family, considering the fact that so many of you think that is impossible to do outside London.
I'd still like to drive, but it's good to know I must have some basic life skills since I have achieved the apparently impossible feat of living independently from parents since I was 18, working, paying off a mortgage, going on holiday, travelling the length of the country because my relatives are spread all over it, and all without being a massive burden to anyone, because I don't do a job without ensuring I can get to it without a lift, my legs don't fall off if I have to walk for ten minutes and I am not embarrassed to do the weekly shop with a massive granny trolley on wheels which I walk to Sainsbury's with.

Red flags are a very personal thing though. What isn’t a big deal for one individual is anathema to another. Having a non-driving partner isn’t a problem for me, that said, he gets himself around and doesn’t nag for lifts.
And no, we don’t live in London.

I used to live in a (non-London) large city and public transport was not good, so driving still needed for having any semblance of convenience or flexibility.

I always see non-drivers on mumsnet insist they are completely self sufficient and don’t impose on anyone, I have literally never known this to be the case, every single non-driver I have met expects help from others in some way, they just often don’t see it as “you’d be going anyway” “I’ll get a taxi to yours so you don’t have to collect me on your way”.

I remember one friend being aghast that I asked for petrol money when I drove her to the lakes as “you’d be going anyway”, er yes but it would be nice to have shared the driving on the two hour journey let alone the cost.

There were loads of places I needed to drive when I lived in a city - goApe, local nature reserve, safari park, supermarket etc. I think in almost all circumstances kids miss out without a driving parent.

When I lived in Cirencester the last bus was about 6pm. Maybe it's later now. The train station is a couple of miles away and once I arrived there on a Sunday afternoon and i tried to get a taxi. In the end I managed to call a mobile number of a taxi driver and he came to get me after he finished bingo.

Some places you need to drive. Where I live now there is great public transport if going into bigger towns. We wouldn't be able to get my children to weekend sports competitions without expensive taxis or hotels and many parties are off the bus route. To get to work which is a 20 minute drive would be 3x that as would need a couple of busses.

People forget that not everywhere has the infrastructure of a big city.

Because driving is a chore. I do not enjoy driving and we live somewhere where we don't have to drive most days. I always prefer to cycle or walk. But sometimes it needs doing.

Not a chance I'd choose to be with someone who wasn't going to share the chore of driving, any more than I'd be with someone who wasn't ever going to cook the dinner or do the washing.

Are you really that narrow minded and ignorant?

Even in Manchester it's acknowledged that public transport is far below standard - which is why it's just had to take action to bring buses under city wide control and make efforts to make it a) actually affordable b) integrated.

Even now though the system goes to the centre but if you wanted to go around Manchester to the next borough over, you often have to go into town and then back out again.

Andy Burnham has had to campaign and work hard to try and bring it up to standard.

And then there's the appalling train services linking northern towns which aren't fit for purpose and had upgrading schemes axed for financial reasons.

For places outside the towns bus fares have been more expensive than taxis and much more expensive per mile than London (us northerners have subsidised London transport costs for many years)

But yes, do carry on lecturing about how stupid I am in saying there's no public transport outside London...

When the issue is that public transport outside London isn't fit for purpose and isn't remotely comparable to London even in the areas with the best provision.

... I have no issue with you making yourself look daft.

So if neither you or your partner could drive, you wouldn’t have been able to visit that place. It’s handy that you can both drive. If only one of you could drive, then the other would have had to do all the driving, which would have been tiring. Either way, you have demonstrated that the ability to drive was definitely a positive thing, which is why it appeals to most people.

At the moment you live in London so you don’t need to own a car, and you have a driving licence so you can always hire a car if you ever need one.

If I lived in a very hot country I wouldn’t need any heating in the house. But I would still argue that having some sort of heating in a house is pretty essential as a concept, because I wouldn’t necessarily always be living in a hot country.

And if I met someone in the UK whose house was completed unheated, it would put me off visiting them!

Different circumstances call for different needs. And circumstances change through life, so ideally it’s best to be prepared for all of them. It’s really not complicated.

I think there is possibly a North/South/London divide too as it seems to be down in the South where I live all 17 yr olds literally start lessons the second they turn 17 then pass their test and get a bought a car. All DD's friends drive and have cars but my nieces and nephews who live in Manchester and London in their 20's have no interest and have very few friends that drive. All have been to uni and all now have good decent jobs but still no interest in driving. My BIL lives in London and grew up in London and doesn't drive - and he thinks its really odd when he hears about all the teens down here who drive the second they hit 17.

That’s a good analogy. Imagine meeting a potential partner who said they’d never do any cleaning because they didn’t like it!

Honestly it depends on your lifestyle and where you live. I'm very busy, I have a full time job, have horses and love hiking/outdoor swimming, my life would be absolutely impossible without a car. My lifestyle would also be impossible in London so I wouldn't live there! I want to date outdoorsy men with sporty hobbies, the vast majority of which you need to drive for. I also like a drink, so I wouldn't consider dating someone who doesn't drive. Having to drive long trips with no-one to swap with/not able to take it in turns to drink at parties etc would be rubbish.

It's also a personality thing, I'm outgoing and independent and got my license when I was 17 as driving gives you freedom. The few people I know who don't drive tend to be quite passive people, which again isn't 'my type'.

My husband doesn't drive, and is currently on SPL.

It's summer, all the local clubs are off, and although everything is only a bus ride away, that's quite a bit trickier to manage than a short drive.

I had a "red line" of him passing his driving test before we TTC, but obviously it slipped!

He is, at least, hugely apologetic and just a week in is already appreciating the massive difference I have made to our lives by being able to get us around conveniently.

Many remote parts of Scotland and Wales are accessible by train and bus. I've stayed in the West Highlands a few times. No cars or taxis involved; just trains, buses and ferries.

Now I'd say yes, it is a red flag, but I'm in my late 20s with a toddler and a baby on the way, living rurally with a husband who, until this year, did all of the driving for the entirety of our 10 year relationship. I finally passed my test in January after battling with severe driving anxiety for years, and my life changed overnight. I can drive little boy to nursery and classes, I can nip to the shops when I want. I can't imagine what it was like for my husband who had to drive me absolutely everywhere in the 4 years since we left Bristol.

It was never an issue for us when we lived in the city as public transport was fine - not perfect but fine - and neither of us really needed to drive anywhere.

It was definitely an issue once we moved out to the suburbs, and then eventually to the proper countryside.

If I lived in the city I wouldn't consider it a red flag as there are plenty of people in major cities who either can't or choose not to drive. If I lived anywhere else, I would see it as a red flag because being the person driving 100% of the time I'd imagine is quite draining!

I had to book my taxis, there wasn’t a taxi rank, call on demand etc, it was fine

I'm alright jack.

Scotland is on my list so that's good to know. Agree about Wales, having been a few times.

It completely depends where you live and, maybe, what stage of life you're at. Young and in a city – who cares. A little older, with kids, living rurally or in an awkward spot, I get why the driving half of the relationship would begin to feel resentful. Some people cannot drive for very valid reasons, so it shouldn't be a red flag in the 'you're a useless arsehole' sort of way.

I'd lived in London all my life, with children, and never had a car or a license – my husband does drive and we do now have a car. We recently moved semi-rurally and the toll it's taking on my DH I can see isn't fair. I plan to get my license, but it's bloody expensive and with small kids and working FT I don't have the time either. The public transport here is good enough and the shops are all walkable, plus we get free school transport, so it's fine for now with no urgency, but all the above is a lucky spot to be in.

All right, now transpose that attitude onto a small town with no trains, no taxis, one bus that serves every stop and therefore takes 90 mins to do a 10 min drive, hills for days, three school age kids, one science project, one bake sale and a tuba, and then tell me you're going to do the school run on the bus. 🙄

As previous posters have said, it's not "not driving" that's the red flag, it's "not driving when you live in a place/have a lifestyle where you really need to fecking drive and yet you expect everyone else to either put up with you taking three times as long to get anywhere and/or drive you for free"