To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

Sorry @Sharptonguedwoman quoted you incorrectly.

A car was a blessing. We were young and broke and taxis were an unbelievable luxury,

For many young people, access to a car is an unbelievable luxury though, the insurance alone can be thousands each year for the first few years. When I was driving in the 90s, your parents could just add you into their insurance for a small fee and you could drive your mum’s car in the evening if you needed to go out, now, insurance companies seem to hate this as an option.

This. It's fine if you live in a town with great public transport but that doesnt apply to everyone does it- surely you can see that?

If my husband didnt drive it would mean the burden for weekly shopping, transporting kids around, taking dog to vet, commuting, going out for meals, social events, holidays, airports runs, visiting family etc would all be on me. I dont think thats fair and it's not an equal division of labour.

Its different if someone cant drive for medical reasons, obviously, but if its just that they dont want to make the effort to do it and then just expect me to take up all the slack/work- nope, big red flag.

I was off the road for about 10 months during Covid with a medical issue (the DVLA were pants). I found buses, the village minibus, subsidised taxis and used the train. All of these were no problem. Surprisingly, the problem was visiting a mate a mile away down a dark country lane in October. I can't cycle (different medical issue).

You can only ' find ' buses if they and their routes exist in the first place. You can only use taxis if they will come to you. You can only use community transport if they have sufficient volunteers to service the need. You were lucky that these things were there when you needed them. Many of us do not have access to any of this because it simply isn't there

My husband can’t drive, he does most of the nursery runs, shares the kids clubs, gets himself to and from work, to and from nights out, events etc.

I’m yet to meet a non-driver who can’t get about perfectly fine, I have however met a lot of drivers who are completely inept at using public transport or getting anywhere without a car.

It only seems to be a red flag on MN, but then the existence of people earning under £100k is also a red flag on here.

I don't drive, never had it said as a negative or limited my dating choices
Only seen it on here

Just to address some of the issues... I'm the driving partner in a one car relationship. I'm not addicted to my car, I get public transport wherever possible as do my kids, and they cycle to school. We rarely drive on holidays apart from maybe one day out of 14 for an out of town trip. However we could not function as a family without my driving. Picking up heavy items... seeing elderly relatives.. all that but mostly kids sport. Two of them could be anywhere in a 15 mile radius every weekend, either inaccessible by bus or turning a half hour journey into 3 hours plus. Just not doable. So I'm not some sort of petrol head. . Just sharing my experience. And it is very VERY tiring doing all thr driving or doing the mental load of arranging lifts if I can't, because I'm on all the sports whatsapp groups because I'm the driving parent. Etc etc

I think it is particularly relevant if you have or plan to have DC.

my mum had 4 kids with an asshole who had learned to drive but never got his license. This meant she was responsible for bringing us to all medical appointments, school runs, activities, play dates, parties etc etc. then when she finally left him she was responsible for driving 30-35 minutes each way to drop and collect us at his parents house so we could spend time with him (not that he did, we were there on Saturday nights and he is an alcoholic so he was always out).

when she met my stepdad he also didn’t have a driving license. She did not want to be a taxi service her whole life and so she laid the ground rules that he couldn’t move in until he got his driving license. He was serious about being a part of and contributing to the family, so he did.

unless you live somewhere with excellent public transport (like London), driving is an essential life skill. Not having learned because you are used to other people driving you places all the time is unattractive in my opinion.

edited to add: I am in Ireland where public transport is pretty shit and unreliable, even in Dublin. It would be extremely difficult to run a family life here without a car.

Yes! People gasp at how little I earn on here but in everyday life it's standard

Same with driving, I can get wherever I want to go without a car

Motornormativity is the technical term. Drivers just can't comprehend that other people can manage to live a fulfilling life without setting foot in a car, and assume that they are either hermits who never leave home, or that non-drivers are CFs who will always be needing lifts.

I know, I do find it strange but they all seem to make it work.

Exactly this! It's easy to manage in London (and if you both have licences you can hire the car the odd time you might need one, or you could be a member of a car club).

If you live in rural Devon, with one bus a week, it's not quite so easy to manage without a car.

You live in London.

Engage your brain as to why this might be an issue.

Perhaps go outside London and see what public transport is like. Oh wait, you can't, because you can't get to those areas because you can't drive.

Seriously. London centric idiocy at its finest.

"cities with good transport links"

You mean London.

There is a huge amount of political debate about the poor public transport in every other UK city. Even ones with supposedly good provision, it's still massively limited and patchy and not integrated hence Andy Burnham launching a massive initiative to rectify this, change fairs and bring buses back into public control.

People in London are fricking clueless sometimes.

Are you really pretending that public transport doesn’t exist outside of London? How do you think commuters get to London to go to work? Ever heard of Lincoln, Nottingham, Leicester, Portsmouth, Birmingham, Manchester, Newcastle, Glasgow, Bath, Liverpool, Wrexham, Chester, York, Leeds, Sheffield etc?

I think you are missing the point that posters are making - not all of us live in towns and cities.

We have one train an hour here. Today they are very delayed because of the weather. As it is a single track line with very few passing places the trains are all over the place timewise.

What I was driving at (excuse the pun) are the assumptions that come with not driving. Going by the replies which were interesting to read and explain the judgement my DH and I face sometimes, it seems that many people automatically associate not driving with not being a functioning adult / missing out on stuff and not being able to do things / taking advantage of others - regardless of the individual situation, whether or not driving is essential in the area where someone lives. If it is essential, then that’s not a question, but I was more interested in how non-drivers who live in areas with good public transportation are seen by people.

Of course it is possible to design a life for yourself where you don't need a car, but it is not fair to judge others for having requirements for certain kinds of flexibility that do involve having to drive or drive + have a car. You have chosen to live in London, which at this point in my life doesn't work for me because: I can't afford a family house (I have two kids); too far from my parents (they're getting old); damages my mental health (I can't do a london commute any more, or live in London dwelling densities, I just can't, I am just burnt out from it). If you know for sure that none of these things will ever be a problem for you, fine, but if you decide on principle that you will never have a car or, worse, learn to drive, then you are putting that principle above being available to me as a partner when I am having to make my decisions. So of course it's fair for me to discount you as a partner. You are free to have your principle, I am free to honour my own needs.

(That is before we even get into the fact that in practice people who don't drive are often at least a bit lazy and freeloady but that's just anecdotal rather than necessarily baked in)

I didn't learn to drive until I moved away from London.

@Simonjt and what about the millions of people who don't live in cities or large towns?

"outside London" doesn't just mean "in other large cities" 🤷‍♀️

My hubby stopped driving years ago partly down to finance but he never like it either. He has a new health condition now which makes him more nervous to start again but he alsk doesnt care about having a car and doesn't want too. At 43 I'm taking lessons again(suspected adhd), tried in the past and found it too much. I am doing OK atm(doing automatic) and have a good instructor but it worries me the amount of things/rules there is to remember. Even if I pass I wont be driving long distance.

So we manage on public transport in a rural part of the UK. My work is 10 mins walk and the kids schools are in walking distance too. Hourly bus to local town and trains every 1 to 2 hours to get you further. Occasionally I need a lift for dd to a school event, which I find embarassing, but thats it. We are used to it. I feel like such a loser when I read the way mumsnet thinks.

I know, I used to live in a small market town, I didn’t drive, so I walked or cycled, if I wanted to go elsewhere I either got taxi there or I would get a taxi to a bus stop or train station. It wasn’t difficult, it was also cheaper than owning and running a car.

I was more interested in how non-drivers who live in areas with good public transportation are seen by people.

Well, even in areas with good public transport, it's often much more convenient to be able to drive.

You can go straight to your location, you don't have to worry about what you'll do if the train is late or cancelled, you can change your plans last minute without having to think about transportation etc.

I mean, where I live today, we had bad floods overnight and all the trains are cancelled, but the roads are fine - and that's not uncommon. So anyone relying on public transport to get anywhere is screwed, and likely will be for the rest of the bank holiday.

Whereas those of us with cars can just carry on as normal without having to worry.

@Simonjt but there are lots of small towns where none of that is an option - there's no public transport, no taxi (unless you book well in advance) and no way of getting about without access to a car.