To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

Lol where I live it would cost the same as a zone 1-6 card for a single bus ride for 3 miles. Cars are essential here

Living in the capital, with the best public transport system in the country is not even close to comparable with people who live elsewhere.
I wouldn't be able to do the job I do if I didn't drive. My widowed mum, who lives rurally, wouldn't be able to continue living there if she didn't drive, and her social life would be almost nonexistent.

That being said, I don't particularly like driving. And if it's something I can easily walk to, then I will.

Not having a car etc is massively different if you don't live in London.
Before I was self employed my workplace was less than a 15 minute drive. By public transport it would have been a ten min walk then a 40 min bus then another ten min walk. Or a ten min walk and two trains and a 30 min walk.

I do get that, which is why I don't live anywhere like that. I grew up in a remote village in Devon. If I hadn't moved when I was sixteen, if I'd wanted to keep living there, I would have had to drive, no two ways about it.

It does restrict where you can live independently, for sure. A right bummer for those who can't drive due to disability.

My late DH (bless him) didn't drive. He never sat a test and the whole idea made him anxious. I never pushed it but there were times when it would have been fantastic if he could've shared the burden. Getting the car to the garage for it's MOT and then collecting it for example was always my responsibility, no matter how busy or unwell I was, or driving long distances to see relatives (West Wales in our case). Just nipping to the shop for some forgotten item could take him an hour round trip as opposed to 10 minutes in the car.

There were times, just occasionally, when it would've been so, so beneficial if he could drive. It didn't cause resentment (well, not much and not that I ever showed it) but I can see how it would create an unbalance in a partnership. Especially where children are involved or if you live somewhere with crap public transport and one partner is totally dependent on the other. For clarity, I live in Bristol which is a fairly major city but unless you're retired the public transport here would give you a nervous breakdown if you relied on it all the time.

I couldn't care less if people drive or not if those non-drivers do not expect me to compensate for them as a result.

But the reason it's a red flag (not necessarily relationship ending, but something to look out for) is that outside of major cities like London, the overlap between men who are happy to let their (female) partners take on the bulk of the effort in a relationship and men who don't drive is pretty high. It is a potential - but not guaranteed - sign of a man who is going to literally take a backseat.

I’m a single woman living with two children. I hate the fact I’m the only driver and everything feels like it stops with me ☹️.
I do have a boyfriend who loves driving and tbh it’s been a bit of a revelation to be driven around, That said I’m happy to drive to him too.
My daughter is having driving lessons and I can’t wait to stop driving her everywhere.

DH doesn't drive and it's a royal pain in the arse.

Edited to add: Oh, and we live in the countryside. We have to drive to go anywhere. You can imagine how frustrating it is to be told "I need to learn how to drive" for six years.

This is absolute nonsense.

a sample of places my son has been this year, with a non driving single parent (and no, nobody gave us a lift)…

3 remote fishing villages/beaches in North Yorkshire (traveled by bus, and stayed each place a few nights)
Moorland walks in national park
Woodland walks in the Yorkshire dales
Stately home with excellent children playground
The zoo
A castle
Clip and climb
The theatre
Steam train trip
London- did the big museums, Ken Gardens, Kew, river boat trip etc
Liverpool maritime museum
Boating on the canal
Riverside picnic and wild swimming at remote beauty spot
Barcelona & towns on Costa Maresme

he also goes to swimming lessons, tennis lessons, beavers and has an active social life with school friends- and no, their parents aren’t expected to ferry him around. We walk or catch the bus to meet them. Occasionally I’ll accept a lift for him if they insist, but always offer petrol and will bring a small thank you gift .

I could go on… but does it SOUND like he’s “missing out” to you because he has no driving parent?

I can relate to this so much and totally empathise. You're not a loser. 💛

You used to need a red flag if you did drive. Luckily not since 1896.

TBF some kids with driving parents don't do as much as that. My old schoolfriend who lives in a rural area, is married with kids and both drive rarely leaves the county she lives in.

I think driving is a useful skill and harder to learn the older you get. It's also a pain if friends/partner don't drive.

, either you, the driver, drive everywhere or with friends activities have to be sorted round the, where I live, inadequate public transport.

I do judge people who could learn to drive but don't. What about holidays? Visiting places without good public transport?

😂 we do do a lot- I get bored easily. And that’s last 12 months, not since the start of the year. But my point stands! I’ve designed the rest of our lives to allow for not having a car (eg choosing to live in a walkable neighbourhood with good transport links… NOT London…) and also- I’m just really determined. Ofc we have privilege in both being able bodied and my son loves walking - will often choose a 10+ mile hike as a “day out” of choice- but I really don’t think it’s fair to make blanket assumptions about non drivers in the way this thread has. Particularly not to claim we’re somehow abusing or letting our children down - which I’ve seen a few times, and is fairly vile.

I don’t drive. I rely on DP a bit (maybe once a week/once a fortnight) to drive me. These are places like his parents’ house/hospital which I could get to alone but it’s quicker to drive.

But he relies on me for: earning most of the income, providing the deposit for our house, being on top of 90% of the mental load for us, our families, our toddler.

So I don’t think he does badly out of it. I currently walk to work (central residential suburb to city centre). I am soon moving jobs to one where there is a 20 min bus which goes every 10 mins from opposite our son’s nursery. In three years that office will move to the city centre and I wouldn’t be allowed to drive. There is no parking.

So should I learn to drive at a cost of £40-£50 an hour so I can drive occasionally on weekends and have no regular practice?

BTW the reason I can’t drive is I grew up in poverty so had no help with it. And since then I’ve had no need/not enough money (at different times). DP’s parents paid for his driving lessons, first car, insurance etc. He also works in the countryside so driving is essential day to day for him.

Wherever did they say that or allude to that?

Not sure why some refuse to believe that there is decent public transport outside of London and many non-drivers can and do get around without a car, are happy, and not being a hindrance and asking favours to those who do drive.

Many of us get to places on time even early without having someone wait on us to get there or need a lift.

I’ve had plenty of instances where I’ve had to wait on people who drive to arrive because they either didn’t take into account traffic, parking, and assuming because it was x amount of miles, it should be quick, left their house without considering they may need extra time and were late by 30 min or even an hour.

It’s not even whether the person drives or not, but the personality of the person more than anything. A person who constantly asks or expects rides probably is like that with other things.

What about them? You either walk, take a taxi, and there’s an option to go on excursions.

There are plenty of places where you shouldn’t drive due to the way the roads are and it is better to go with someone who knows the area than trying to drive on your own. Some find that out the hard way and end up needing to be rescued or worse. Plenty also don’t want tourists going to places and leaving litter behind or messing with the environment so have guided tours.

I’ve been on plenty of holidays where DH didn’t drive or rent a car during our holidays.

Where did who say what?

We are in agreement. My point is clearly that it's not the not driving that's a problem, it's not driving if you live in a place where you really need to drive to be able to keep up your expected lifestyle and your not driving causes an issue to others. I'm not suggesting there aren't any people in the world who can go about their lives perfectly well without driving.

And a hell of a lot of Scotland is not.

We are the same!

If i didn't drive, i wouldn't be able to do all the things i most enjoy in life. I wouldn't be able to work where i do either. Life would be so dull with a lot less opportunities

Why say this? I discovered that we could do Scotland/Isle of Skye without a car in 1998 - that’s when I knew I’d give up on the idea of driving

‘Dealbreaker’ I get as an expression but ‘Red flag’ means something else to me

This is us, our DC did all those things and got him to parties for pals who lived in villages out of town etc. It’s all doable

But not beyond a taxi service. All the hassle of driving to the ferry or abroad etc. All these threads about how to keep kids amused on long journeys when you could all be on a train together. Really not for me