To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

We don’t live in a place with even remotely decent public transport, not driving wouldn’t be an option. For me it would be a huge red flag because of how much extra work it would put on me eg taking them to work before myself, being in charge of all school/nursery runs, taking everyone to every single appointment, being the only one who could do the food shopping, having to be available for everyone else’s schedule in entirety… I don’t really drink but to consistently be the designated driver would eventually bother me. If you have acceptable public transport then I can see it may not be an issue, but I wouldn’t consider anything with someone who couldn’t drive where I live.

From most of these posts, it sounds like many here had friends and family that took the piss and likely did in other ways so decided that most non-drivers are like that when there are many that independently and quietly get on with things without asking people for help or lifts.

Very much agree with you when living in London. I’m in the countryside in Cornwall where you need absolutely everywhere (except for a countryside walk). It would be absolutely awful and extremely limiting dating someone who didn’t drive here.

Nothing wrong with not driving if neither of you drive. But if one does and one doesn’t, it creates an imbalance in the relationship- the driver becomes more like a parent who always has to be responsible.

The red flag isn't for choosing a lifestyle without driving (for all the sensible reasons you give in your situation).
Red flag is for someone who has never qualified to drive despite all the inconveniences that then causes in life.
It's the failure to actively 'achieve basic adult-level life skills' element that is the issue.

There are some situations where not even getting your licence isn't because you are have no gumption...
but often it goes hand in glove with being happy to expect others to facilitate you and using it as an excuse to bow out of anything requiring some reciprocal effort.
Hence it being something that should put you on your guard for it being a clue to the kind of person you're dealing with.

Not read responses but no of course it isn't a "red flag" if someone doesn't drive, unless it's out of pure laziness. I'm 42 and can't drive, not for lack of trying. My husband does drive. Today for example, he's working & I'm just using public transport with my daughter. No big deal. We don't live out in the sticks for good reason.
If a man can't drive then to judge him by different standards to a woman who can't drive would be extremely old fashioned and unfair.

You both have a license though and if you didn't live in London with excellent transport links you could both drive if needed to.

I think what many don't want is to be living 30 minutes drive from someone who has poor transport links and dating meaning they always do the driving.

I wouldn't call it a red flag. But I don't see an issue with not always wanting to be the one with the added expectations and feeling an uneven balance.

This, exactly.

Driving is, of course, a personal choice. But having seen people at close quarters with a non driving partner, it wouldn’t be for me.

My FIL died leaving my non driving MIL a widow at 62. Her life shrunk immeasurably. She didn’t want to use public transport at night alone and anyway, it only took her near her destinations, not to the actual destination (bingo, theatre, concerts). She was constantly asking for lifts until friends started avoiding her. At family events, she’d fix on her lift and then that person ( sometimes the host) couldn’t have a drink until they’d taken her home. She could/did use taxis but resented the cost and didn’t like being in cars with strangers. During the day, she lost the energy or enthusiasm for long public transport journeys to new places with the attendant walking. We often joked she missed the car more than FIL.

Another friend’s long term partner is a non driver and did every one of the school drop offs/ pick up, parties, activities for their two kids and then when they were teenagers, did the 2am pick ups with no one to share the lifts and drove them to university, to the airport etc. Whilst her DP sat there during the evening with a nice beer or two. And now they’re older she’d like to move out of town but they’re really limited as to where they can go because he can’t drive. And UK holidays to explore new areas are a pain because she has to do all the driving. And that’s in a medium sized northern city not in the back of beyond rural countryside.

My MIL said her biggest regret was not learning to drive and my friend says if she’d had a crystal ball, she would have made it non negotiable that her DP learned to drive in the early days. So yes, it would be a red flag to me. Even jf we didn’t need a car (and that’s surely only in city centres), I’d want the option of car rental on holidays or for UK journeys. I taught my kids in our car after a few lessons - it doesn’t need to cost the earth.

This is an annoying response. I've spent hundreds if not thousands on lessons and failed my practical test four times. I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to keep throwing money away and I actually think I wouldn't be safe on the road. A lot of drivers are impatient, inconsiderate and unsafe. Perhaps if some people decided it was more sensible not to drive there'd be fewer accidents. I live somewhere with good public transport links for a reason. All of this has been thought out and doesn't mean I don't have "basic life skills". How condescending.

You can both drive - you put in the effort, passed your driving tests and have licences that you choose not to use, but you both could if things changed.

That's a lot different to someone who has made a choice to never learn, let alone pass their test and expects to be driven everywhere no matter how inconvenient. Obviously not everyone has parents who'll fund the driving test when they're young and still living at home, however most people manage to find the time and money to do it and keep going till they pass, so the non drivers expecting mums taxi age 30+ become frustrating.
I take your point about London, it is perfectly possible to live without a car there.

My DH has never been able to drive and never will be, because of a medical condition. He is great, we live somewhere with good public transport, DDs are both great walkers because they go out a lot with him but still, with young DDs sometimes public transport doesn't make sense eg to an appointment if they're unwell, to a birthday party at a sports centre somewhere where it would take four times as long by bus, out to a national trust place for the day, to a not very accessible sports club every single Saturday morning, picking them up from parties as they get older etc. And it will always restrict where we live because we'll need the public transport or things within walking distance. And I always have to drive when we go on holiday.
If I had a partner who could learn to drive, but thought "nah, don't need to. She can do any driving that's necessary, so I won't bother" I'd be really put off by the attitude.

But in many parts of the UK, you can't really be a non-driver without asking for lifts, unless you're happy to never leave the town or village you live in.

Around here, we have no buses and the train service is awful, and barely operates on Sundays or bank holidays. So anyone wanting to go anywhere on those days needs access to a car - otherwise they just can't go. Walking would be impossible both due to distance and the fact that there's no safe, practical walking route.

Yes, you could use a taxi but it would cost you an absolute fortune and you'd need to book it several days in advance.

DH was without a car recently while it was in the garage and it was real pain in the arse. Yes, he borrowed mine but I need mine for work so he found himself very stuck and restricted.

OP, step out of your bubble for a minute. I grew up in south London and drove the minute I could. I'm in my 60s and the roads were quieter then. I'd be slightly more dubious now. A party in a difficult place with few buses? A late night event? A dodgy area? A car was a blessing. We were young and broke and taxis were an unbelievable luxury, parents not always willing to pick up and Uber unheard of.
I now live where it's possible to get around without a car but extremely challenging so driving is a life skill. My mum's in hospital 20 miles away and our station (5 miles away) shuts at 10 30 pm

But I think your question is more about not being able or choosing to drive. It's incredibly life limiting and makes the non-driver reliant on other people. Most of us have ferried teenagers around but would be surprised by a perfectly cogent person who can't drive and needs taking everywhere- weekends away-lifts to the station- late night events. A little bit of me feels that they should, if they can, get their act together. Rambling now so going to stop.

Thanks, you've put into words what I was struggling to.

It annoyed me when I had a partner who couldn't drive as it was always me doing the shopping, taking the kids to school, running errands, doing the driving everywhere, it just peeved me off.

But it doesn't apply to you in your circumstances, you live in London and you can drive, you have a license so if you wanted to hire a car/van, you can.

On the whole though, it speaks about your independence level. Not being able to drive unless there is a medical reason, seems immature and somewhat needy if you have to rely on others to cart you around etc.

I live in a large village with poor public transport. I’ve raised 3 children and taxi’d them around here there and everywhere. It’s not what I want in a partner. If a bloke in his mid 50’s doesn’t drive, in our local area, I’d assume he’s too skint to afford a car or he’s lost his licence. Both of which are deal breakers for me.

A school dad I know, can drive, his wife can't. He refuses to buy a car until she learns as he doesn't want to be the only driver. They rely on their parents a lot for lifts and use taxis a lot.

It honestly isn't only in city centres. I have never even lived in a city, never mind the centre. I don't ask anyone for lifts. Who would I ask? My friends aren't taxis and have lives. I've only just moved near to my parents after 20 years and that's because they are getting on now, and I 'm certainly not asking the only one of them that can still drive for lifts.
I'm embarrassed that I never mastered driving, but I am not helpless without a car. Many people I know who find themselves unable to drive for any reason (car off the road, etc) seem to become so, and many of them do think you can only survive without them in city centres because they have never had to. When they have to, it's interesting to watch them struggle to grasp the basics life skill of getting about without a car.

How lovely for their parents!

I have a cousin in Minnesota and she can’t drive. It really limits what she can do
The US is a country where it is almost vital to learn how to drive unless you live in cities such as New York and Boston

I am going to be really honest . I wouldn’t want to be with a man who could not drive and wasn’t willing to learn. Obviously medical issues are different
As others have said, it creates an imbalanced relationship when you have one person doing the school runs, clubs, big shops etc and this leads to resentment.
Dh’s niece husband could not drive .
She insisted that before they had kids he would have to learn because she was not willing to be the permanent designated driver .

This is true. There's a lot of looking down noses at people who can't drive and implying, or just downright saying, they therefore don't have basic life skills or are somehow deficient. But then watch some drivers struggle to figure out a simple bus or train timetable! Surely that's a "basic life skill" too?

This. It really pisses me off that so many comments are made relating to London and people think the 'north' is Birmingham. MSM is the same. MOST people in the UK live in geographical areas outside of London. We need to drive as public transport like the underground is not available. So it stands to reason that if a partner does not drive it's rather unappealing.

I don't know anyone who can't drive. I don't know anyone who doesnt drive by choice. I do know some who have medical reasons not to drive.I live in a small village near Worcester. We have one bus a day in and one bus out in one direction. If you wanted to go to Hereford or Malvern or even our nearest market town 6 miles away you couldn't.The bus just doesn't go that way. No buses whatsoever at weekends. Taxis from Worcester won't come out here because they won't get a fare back so we have to book a local man with a weeks notice given. The nearest supermarket is 6 miles away. The same for the doctors, dentist, hairdresser etc etc.I love going to London. It will never not be amazing to me that you can get transport from A to B to C in a matter of moments, get off ,do something, then choose from multiple Ubers or stick your arm out for a taxi, get on the tube and go somewhere else just because you want / need to. I could never have dated anyone who couldn't drive because life here would be impossible for them. Once the car person has left the house the other one is totally stuck. We have 2 cars because without it we couldn't live our lives. London is totally different. We don't have access to gas, mains sewage. Our electricity is on wires so when it's windy we get endless power cuts. We have a huge freezer because when it rains / snows heavily we'll be cut off for days. Your life is alien to me day to day. I dare say mine would freak you out too Op.