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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

388 replies

User7567 · 22/08/2024 22:04

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

OP posts:
Carnewb · 23/08/2024 20:38

I can understand not wanting to date someone because they don't drive, if it's important to you then it's important to you, and a personal choice about who you date. Same as any reason you wouldn't date someone, unemployed, in certain jobs etc.

What I don't understand is this notion that you can't be independent without driving and that you can't go anywhere or do anything and must be reliant on other people to ferry you around at their expense. That you're not an adult, that you can't possibly plan your life around it, that you can't possibly make decisions that work for you not driving because....... You can't drive. That you are a burden, that you're some saddo who lives a half life to be ridiculed. That you miss everything in life.

As my un suggests I'm new to driving and spent a lot of years, and money (when I could) trying to pass the test. I failed more than once.

I didn't suddenly have a personality transplant and become a different person when I got handed the pass certificate. I'm exactly the same person. I have the same job, same circle of friends, and attend the same amount of things - I miss more in life because of work commitments or lack of disposable income than I ever did through not driving. I still miss them because I'm at work, or don't have enough money.

And although not driving brought a set of challenges that I needed to overcome - so does driving. There's something quite ironic about walking further between the bus stop and your place of work because you can't find anywhere to park, having to pay more than the bus fare would cost to park, and set off at pretty much the same time because you know parking is going to be murder and you'll have to walk half a mile anyway. Or driving around your estate 3 times trying to find somewhere to park so you can actually go home, when if you'd got off the bus and walked up the road you'd be in with the kettle on. But nope, it's so much more convenient to drive 🤔.

Has it improved my life? Yes, it has, but it's not all sunshine and roses and I always knew it would, but knowing that didn't make me good enough to pass the test nor have endless amounts of money trying. I gave it one last ditch attempt and passed. That was my last go, and I'd made my peace with continuing on with the way I did live because I'd arranged my life around not driving as much as I did being a single parent or having a low income and a job working shifts.

The only person me driving or not driving affected was me, I never was reliant and I'm not now, my siblings on the other hand have both driven for years, one is still living at home in their 30's with a part time job and reliant on our parents for free rent to enable them to pay for the car, and the other still has our mid 70s parents running around doing their bidding. I've always been more independent despite not driving, neither of them can cope if their cars are off the road, parents drive them around or lend cars, I just got on with it when mine has needed to go in a couple of times.

A driving licence isn't indicative of independence, you can be independent without one or dependant with one, or vice versa.

JohnTheRevelator · 23/08/2024 20:43

No,I don't get this obsession either. I have a license but I don't drive,don't have a car. I live in greater London where the transport is pretty good. To be honest,the way the roads are around here,I really would not fancy driving. Nose to tail traffic, crawling along at 5 - 10 mph. Parking is prohibitively expensive,fuel costs a fortune, plus insurance and maintenance of the car also really expensive. I have a Freedom Pass so I can get anywhere in London for free,so why would I bother with a car?

JohnTheRevelator · 23/08/2024 20:45

carnewb Brilliant response!

sunsetsandboardwalks · 23/08/2024 20:49

What I don't understand is this notion that you can't be independent without driving and that you can't go anywhere or do anything and must be reliant on other people to ferry you around at their expense. That you're not an adult, that you can't possibly plan your life around it, that you can't possibly make decisions that work for you not driving because....... You can't drive.

I suppose it's because, in many parts of the UK, it's genuinely almost impossible to function without relying on someone else to ferry you around at least some of the time.

People are just posting from their own views and based on their own experience. DH has family nearby who don't drive and they absolutely do depend on their partners or other family members for transport - because we live somewhere with very unreliable trains and no buses.

I don't think non-drivers are "saddos" or people who live half-lives, but I do know my life would be much more restrictive if I didn't have access to my car.

RampantIvy · 23/08/2024 20:55

JohnTheRevelator · 23/08/2024 20:43

No,I don't get this obsession either. I have a license but I don't drive,don't have a car. I live in greater London where the transport is pretty good. To be honest,the way the roads are around here,I really would not fancy driving. Nose to tail traffic, crawling along at 5 - 10 mph. Parking is prohibitively expensive,fuel costs a fortune, plus insurance and maintenance of the car also really expensive. I have a Freedom Pass so I can get anywhere in London for free,so why would I bother with a car?

That's because you live in the London area. I didn't drive when I lived in Greater London. It's pretty obvious that public transort isn't as good elsewhere.

I have spent today not enjoying travelling on delayed and overcrowded Trans Pennine "Express" trains.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2024 21:08

sunsetsandboardwalks · 23/08/2024 20:49

What I don't understand is this notion that you can't be independent without driving and that you can't go anywhere or do anything and must be reliant on other people to ferry you around at their expense. That you're not an adult, that you can't possibly plan your life around it, that you can't possibly make decisions that work for you not driving because....... You can't drive.

I suppose it's because, in many parts of the UK, it's genuinely almost impossible to function without relying on someone else to ferry you around at least some of the time.

People are just posting from their own views and based on their own experience. DH has family nearby who don't drive and they absolutely do depend on their partners or other family members for transport - because we live somewhere with very unreliable trains and no buses.

I don't think non-drivers are "saddos" or people who live half-lives, but I do know my life would be much more restrictive if I didn't have access to my car.

There are some places where there are poor public transport links, but these days there are far fewer than people think.

I mean if you dont drive and choose to move somewhere like that, expecting to rely on others.....not ok. But lets face it, most people dont do that.

I think that having a car and the convenience it brings has become so ingrained in peoples minds that they cant believe that it is possible to live without one unless you are expecting others to drive you everywhere.

50 years ago when I was a child, everyone caught the bus or walked. It was what everyone did, perfectly normal. If there was a car in the family (by no means universal) then the man drove it to work and back and the wife and kids caught buses (yes, I know, but it was a different time).

And people saying that its an essential skill, no it isnt, its nice but it isnt essential its also fucking expensive! Have you seen the price of lessons?! And thats before you start on the costs of buying a running a car. Some people simply are not able to make those numbers work. I know I couldnt afford to learn to drive now, my eldest DD can only afford it as she earns decent money. So they find workarounds. CFers will always be CFers, if they cant drive they will scrounge lifts and not pay for fuel, if they can drive they will charge huge amount for petrol for others.....

XenoBitch · 23/08/2024 21:12

I have a license but can no longer drive. My DP also has a licence, but he did his test and never got car after. He would not be confident enough to try now.

People can not, or do not drive for lots of reasons.

There is a huge difference between someone who does not drive and expects you to be a taxi, versus someone who does not drive and is fine walking/cycling/bussing everywhere.

Fudgetheparrot · 23/08/2024 21:48

It does create an imbalance, I suppose. I drive and DH can’t (although neither of us could when we first got together) which means I do all the child related ferrying around, driving to holidays, etc. What makes a big difference to me is that DH acknowledges that and makes sure to make me feel appreciated for it. If it went unnoticed I would probably mind a lot more.

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2024 23:06

NerrSnerr · 23/08/2024 10:21

When I lived in Cirencester the last bus was about 6pm. Maybe it's later now. The train station is a couple of miles away and once I arrived there on a Sunday afternoon and i tried to get a taxi. In the end I managed to call a mobile number of a taxi driver and he came to get me after he finished bingo.

Some places you need to drive. Where I live now there is great public transport if going into bigger towns. We wouldn't be able to get my children to weekend sports competitions without expensive taxis or hotels and many parties are off the bus route. To get to work which is a 20 minute drive would be 3x that as would need a couple of busses.

People forget that not everywhere has the infrastructure of a big city.

Cirencester is on a National Express route. Coaches between London and Gloucester run late into the evening.

It's only five miles from Kemble station anyway - and pretty flat. I'd just cycle. Not worth getting a car for such a short journey.

TickingAlongNicely · 23/08/2024 23:11

After a good think, I've come to the conclusion the only thing we couldn't absolutely do without a car is support DDs hobbies. There will be no way of getting DD2 to a random village for a 10am rugby kickoff on a Sunday for example... even home games would be tricky

And DD1... it would take a couple of hours on public transport to get to her lesson for her sport.

They wouldn't do these things without us driving.

MasterBeth · 23/08/2024 23:13

OP, you both can drive, if you need to. Right now, because of where you live, you don't need to.

The people who are trouble/red flags are those who won't drive or won't learn when they do need to. And, of course, there are all kinds of people who can't drive or learn for financial or medical reasons, and I don't mean you.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 23/08/2024 23:15

It's quite clearly an indicator that you might end up being a taxi service for your partner. Call it a red flag if you must.

I wouldn't drive around for someone that didn't. I'm not a taxi service.

MasterBeth · 23/08/2024 23:16

50 years ago when I was a child, everyone caught the bus or walked.

Rubbish. Some people did, some people drove.

Thursdaygirl · 23/08/2024 23:16

I haven’t read the full thread - but living in a rural-ish area, not driving could be likened to not reading/writing. It’s a basic life skill. I once posted on MN, mentioning I’d declined to date a very nice looking guy because he didn’t drive, and I got annihilated. But it somehow emasculated him. It would have been an imbalanced situation

MasterBeth · 23/08/2024 23:20

I remember one friend being aghast that I asked for petrol money when I drove her to the lakes as “you’d be going anyway”, er yes but it would be nice to have shared the driving on the two hour journey let alone the cost.

Good grief, who needs to share the driving on a two hour journey?! That's a red flag, right there!

Newname71 · 23/08/2024 23:20

DH doesn’t drive. He has epilepsy and until he met me in his 30’s was never seizure free for a year. He managed that long so has just never bothered. It’s a bit of a ball ache when the kids want picking up from places, sometimes in the early hours but it is what it is

MasterBeth · 23/08/2024 23:21

Ljcrow · 23/08/2024 08:53

Not read responses but no of course it isn't a "red flag" if someone doesn't drive, unless it's out of pure laziness. I'm 42 and can't drive, not for lack of trying. My husband does drive. Today for example, he's working & I'm just using public transport with my daughter. No big deal. We don't live out in the sticks for good reason.
If a man can't drive then to judge him by different standards to a woman who can't drive would be extremely old fashioned and unfair.

Don't worry, I judge people who can't drive equally, man or woman.

Thursdaygirl · 23/08/2024 23:22

I don't drive. It would be a very bad idea because of my ADHD, especially since I'm also in perimenopause and it really affects my ability to focus.

it’s entirely possible to be perimenopausal and still drive

PotatoPie111 · 23/08/2024 23:26
Tired Good Night GIF by Max

Public transport where I live is appaling. I learned to drive when I was 40 as I could no longer cope, I couldn’t get DD anywhere without a taxi or hours on buses. I couldn’t change jobs as there was no PT to so many places.

i have a friend with 4 children. DH doesn’t drive. All of their activities fall on her, she also picks him up from work so he gets home at a reasonable time. It’s a lot for her.

PotatoPie111 · 23/08/2024 23:27

No idea where that gif came from

MasterBeth · 23/08/2024 23:29

PotatoPie111 · 23/08/2024 23:27

No idea where that gif came from

Tom and Jerry

seeminglyranch · 23/08/2024 23:30

I am honestly puzzled why you would post this ridiculous question. Surely you realise not everyone on mumsnet lives in London with access to decent public transport or has funds to keep ordering taxis? And that, in very different circumstances to yours, one partner driving and the other not can place quite a bit of extra reliance and responsibility over the years on the one who does? 🙄

Summertimer · 23/08/2024 23:40

I’m actually a bit concerned that environmental concerns haven’t really featured in this discussion.

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2024 23:57

ObelixtheGaul · 23/08/2024 10:38

Scotland is on my list so that's good to know. Agree about Wales, having been a few times.

Bear in mind that I actually did own a car at the time, but didn’t enjoy driving so rather than suffer 400 miles behind the wheel each way, I took the sleeper and used local public transport. I let the train take the strain, as the adverts used to implore.

I got the Fort William sleeper and the Jacobite to Arisaig. Stayed there about ten days, most of which was shuttling to photo spots to get photos of the steam trains. There are four public trains and four road coaches per day in each direction between Fort William and Mallaig (so a better service than many English towns get, according to this thread), plus up to two steam trains.

I also used the foot passenger ferries out of Arisaig to visit the small islands (Muck and Eigg I think). I then moved on and took the morning train to Mallaig, followed by a CalMac ferry to Armadale, a bus to Kyle of Lochalsh (change in Broadford, I think) and train from there to Inverness. Skye also has a reasonable bus network which I didn't take the opportunity to explore properly. It's not exactly every ten minutes, but as a tourist one doesn't need to be rushing around.

On a recent Interrail trip to Romania with my brother, the one time that we used Bolt (which is similar to Uber) was when there was a public holiday due to Orthodox Easter Sunday so the buses to Bran weren't running. Incidentally, visiting Bucharest really made me see how cars make cities unpleasant. If it's not the massive amounts of land covered in tarmac or the air pollution, it's the amount of noise the wretched things generate. Honestly, you'd think that the roads in the city had been designed by an American traffic engineer ("just one more lane will fix congestion...")

To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?
Wabberjockey · 24/08/2024 00:04

You live in London.

Lots of people don’t, surprisingly.

Who wants to date a man and then have to do 💯 of the driving and chauffeur him around like a teenage boy? No.