To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

Exactly. It's very expensive to learn to drive — I never learned as a teenager because it was simply unaffordable.

I could just about afford lessons now, but brain fog and tiredness mean it probably wouldn't be safe. There's never been an occasion when I've needed to drive.

My partner has never learned either. Come to think of it, I've never been in a relationship with someone who could drive. About half my friends can't. It's normal and not commented on.

However, we do live in cities. If we could afford to move somewhere rural, we could probably afford to learn to drive, also.

Many of us get to places on time even early without having someone wait on us to get there or need a lift.

That reminds me. Some years back on a freezing January breakfast shift at the hotel I worked at, several others were turning up late and moaning that their cars wouldn't start. Funnily enough my bicycle gets me to work on time far more consistently than a car ever would. Far fewer variables (such as congestion and parking) to worry about.

Is this a competition to tick off every last square foot of Scottish soil? There are lots of places in Scotland that most people will miss out on in their lifetimes, with or without a car. There's only so many places you can visit during 28 days of annual leave each year. You might be able to name somewhere you've been that I've missed out on. But likewise I will be able to name places I've been that you haven't.

I've just tried sticking pins into random bits of Google Maps to see if I could find somewhere that was completely inaccessible without a car. Thought that Shegra (near Kinlochbervie) might count but then discovered that there is a dial-a-bus scheme covering the area which would allow a connection with the 805 to/from Inverness. So it is technically accessible. Again, as a tourist I can relax and enjoy the journey, it's a different prospect to trying to live somewhere year-round.

Who wants to date a man and then have to do 💯 of the driving and chauffeur him around like a teenage boy? No.

This!

Exactly the sort of attitude from non-drivers that irritates the rest of us, the complete lack of recognition that it might be nice to have someone else do some of the “work”. And yes, on a four hour round trip it would be nice to have someone else do one of the legs so I could relax and enjoy the scenery. It’s not a red flag to expect someone to chip in ffs, it IS a massive red flag to just sit back and expect or allow someone to do all the legwork.

I drive, DH drives and it's essential because we live rurally and there is hardly any public transport. Think two buses a day to the nearest town. When we get old and decrepit we will seriously think about moving because it would be impossible to live where we live without a car. If there was public transport I would use it rather than my car. Cars are expensive, a constant drain on finance and I think public transport is greener.

As a society we have become too wedded to the presumption that the car is the default transport choice. This is one example of how that is viewed. Another one is that behaviour that would never be accepted in any other situation is normalised when behind the wheel. The alleged 'war on the motorist' which is largely just getting people to drive lawfully, for example.

You sound lovely.

Just to add to my previous posts on this thread, I live nowhere near London. I live in the North, purposely somewhere with decent public transport links. I've no desire to live out in the sticks. London isn't the only place in the country you can live a fulfilled adult life without driving!

Theres a tbread at the moment where the OP (not driving) is complaining that her husband won't drive at 1am 3 times a week.

It might be the OP has medical issues... butvthis is the kind of thing that people want to avoid. The expectation that the sole driver will drive whenever.

I live in a town only 40 mins train from London. Population 100,000. The bus comes once an hour - wtf am I supposed to do with that??? Would be impossible to not drive.

I agree with you unless live in London with excellent and cheap transport no option for to drive. Luckily I love driving

This is a great response. 👏 One of the reasons I don't mind not driving is the awful behaviour of people once they get behind a wheel. Impatient, bad tempered, dangerous. Yet not one person will admit they're a bad driver. It's always other people's fault.

I'd rather be a non driver than a bad driver. So many bad drivers out there yet not one person will ever admit they are.

One of my ex's didn't drive and I grew to be extremely resentful of it. It drove me insane being the designated driver every time we went anywhere. Having a partner who drove was definitely a deal breaker when I started dating again. Ended up with a total petrol head 🤣

My mum doesnt drive and hasn't since before I was born. She'd be an absolute liability on the road, so it is a good thing 😂 but I know it annoys my dad sometimes. Again, he's always the driver.

Public transport where we live is decent, not amazing. Still would never have dated a non- driver again.

I don’t find it a red flag but I do find it deeply unattractive.
For me, being able to drive is about freedom and independence. I dated a non-driver once and it annoyed me so much. He’d sit in the passenger seat and I’d be silently seething that this big grown man lacked what I consider a basic skill.
I must add that I don’t live in an area with great public transport.

Same. My ex didnt drive - just couldnt be bothered to learn.

Yet he still expected me to ferry him around everywhere and then had the audacity to criticise my driving despite knowing nothing about how to actually, you know, drive. Such an unattractive quality.

So you could get to places outside London that are not well served by public transport.

I do find some people are very accustomed to driving everywhere. We don't, so we just find other ways of getting around. Even so we'll be offered lifts for a walk of only 1 mile, or told it's impossible to get around X place without a car (trains and bus were fine), or get baffled comments about shopping (we buy online), or be told there are no buses to Y (there were); it's largely just that those who live in cars are unaware of the options. I have a sibling who once walked twice as far as us because of where they parked their car each end of the journey, while taking 45 minutes longer due to traffic, yet couldn't recognise it and kept saying they couldn't understand how we coped without driving.

There are gaps in transport in some parts of the country that might require a taxi from the nearest useful public transport, or sometimes we get a taxi if timing wouldn't work, but occasional taxis don't even add up to an equivalent of car insurance cost, never mind petrol and the cost of the actual car. I do think those living rurally should campaign for more effective public transport instead of polluting, but suspect net zero policies will catch up to them before they do.

DD used to live in Newcastle. I thought the public transport there was pretty good.

I wouldn't consider not driving a red flag. However, it would be more of a tick box depending on the reasons why someone doesn't drive.

A friend's ex DH didn't learn to drive because he just didn't want to. When she went into labour she had to ring her mum to take her to hospital.

A few years later her husband needed to go back to work late at night because someone had left the Christmas tree lights on (he was the caretaker). Being rural with no buses or taxis, my friend had to get her sleeping child out of bed to take him.

Ah, we've done this before and it was lots of fun.

Name the place that poster can't get to outside London by public transport and a brief taxi ride.

I wouldn't date a man who didn't drive.

Where I live, there are hardly any buses, and the ones there are stop early, no local train station (nearest is about 10 miles away), no village shop (nearest local shop is about 3 miles away, nearest supermarket about 8 miles). Hardly any taxis (and they are generally one man businesses often unavailable because they are contracted to do school runs) and definitely no ubers. My boyfriend lives about 15 miles away, shops and supermarkets within walking distance, but still terrible public transport. I love living rurally and would hate to live in a city or a town but where I live, the ability to drive is essential. I wouldn't date someone where I had to be the one who did all the driving.

Not driving is an absolute nightmare, especially if you have children.

I can’t drive (Adhd, can’t take medication). It adds literal hours to my day. My office (8 miles away) takes between 1.5-2 hours to reach by public transport. It takes around 20-30 minutes, depending on traffic by car. So that’s 2 hrs min a day added to my workload. Which means either paying for an extra 2 hours a day childcare or relying on the driving partner to do pick ups/childcare each day.

This is just one thing. When it comes to after school activities, play dates, children’s (or own) medical appointments etc I have to schedule in several extra hours (due to relying on unreliable and unsuitable public transport) than if I drove. It actually seriously affects mine and my children’s social lives (limits what activities they can take part in) significantly.

Once, my partner had a ear infection and his eardrum burst in the middle of the night. He had to make his way to urgent care alone, by taxi because I couldn’t drive! Same of there is a child emergency.

Not driving is complete shit.

It's perfectly easy to live a good life without learning to clean. I use paper plates and cups, a laundry service and my cleaner comes every morning and afternoon to wipe down surfaces. I live in London where it is easy to do these things. I also avoid places where I might get too dirty (fields, streets, abroad etc). No red flags for me!

Not driving is complete shit

Exactly. Yes, of course I could get to places on public transport if I had all the time in the world to waste but like you said, it would add an extra 3 hours on my day every single day spent just travelling.

When you have kids, that is utterly exhausting. Time is precious.

Can I ask why you can’t drive with ADHD?
Genuine question, I’m not being goady. I just wondered what specific aspects of your ADHD mean driving isn’t right for you?