To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

[User7567]

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

And it’s way easier if you learn on an automatic. So many cars are automatic now - they’re no longer a relative rarity.

"Well served", not "served."

You can certainly take a train to anywhere that has a station, but that doesn't mean it's regular or convenient.

I am very happy to take good, reliable public transport.

But there are plenty of journeys around the country I have to take for work where I would be very happy to take public transport but that would literally take twice or three times as long. I regularly have to travel from a town in the Midlands to just outside a town in the north west. By car, it's a two hour drive. But in order to arrive by 9am, the one time I went on public transport, I had to travel up the day before and stay overnight.

I have the innattentive type of ADHD. Severely. Although mechanically my driving is fine, I cannot maintain my focus for the length of a driving test. Which means I make stupid mistakes and/or misjudge situations because I haven’t been paying attention. I have gone through 6 driving instructors over the past 20 years and failed my test 7 times. I can’t afford to keep trying and tbh, I’m not sure I could ever be safe on the roads. I would be a danger to myself and others.

Is this because you are unable to clean? Which is fair enough.

@PyongyangKipperbang life is nothing like it was 50 years ago for the vast majority of us, so I'm not sure why it matters that less people drove then 🤷‍♀️

Whether MN likes it or not, there are huge parts of the country that still don't have reliable and regular transport. A friend of mine who lives down the road has his car off the road at the moment and was meant to get the train to work yesterday - except all the trains were cancelled. Luckily his DW drives and didn't need her car so he borrowed hers, but that's not uncommon around here.

So yes, on paper he can get the train to work and doesn't need a car, but the reality is the trains are too unreliable and if you took a job that was dependent on them, you'd likely lose it again very quickly.

I also looked (out of curiosity) how long it would take to get to my old job by train once. It was about five hours each way - and involved three trains plus a bus journey and a mile walk at the end.

By car it took 40 minutes.

I'm not saying there are places you can happily function without a car, but I don't know why there's a small subsection of MN who refuses to believe that's not always the case, and that non-drivers in those areas genuinely have no choice but to rely on drivers to do even the most basic tasks.

What's the worry, exactly?

Pretty sure it's a joke.

Name the place that poster can't get to outside London by public transport and a brief taxi ride.

It's not always that you can't get there, it's that getting there takes 4-5 times as long and costs 4-5 times as much.

I'm in a small Cumbrian town that, on paper, has a reasonably decent train service. Except the line only travels up and down the coast. If you want to get from my town to where my parents live (34 miles away) by public transport, it would take you almost five hours and cost you £40 each way per person.

So yes, it's technically "doable" but what a colossal waste of time it would be.

As someone who likes to spend my free time in remote places, hillwalking, cycling and trail running, I'd have no use for a partner who can't drive. It just doesn't match with my lifestyle, interests or plans for the future. I need someone who can share these things, including the driving.

It's fine if you live in the city and never want to go anywhere off the beaten track.

Does not apply to me.

What legwork? It's driving, not working down a mine or on a shift in A&E. A two-hour drive should not need to be shared and you can both see the scenery as you drive. If you think a two-hour drive is some arduous ordeal, you probably shouldn't be driving.

I'm sorry this is your experience, it sounds really hard, but it's not mine as a non driver with a child. My husband does drive but I do plenty with her on my own. We purposely live somewhere with good transport links and I work within walking distance of home. I suppose you cut your cloth accordingly.

Are we doing Name the Place for a Sunday at 8am for example, or a Monday at midday? One is significantly easier than the other!

I live 5 miles from my best friend. You can't get a taxi after 9pmish between our villages.

No red flags for you- you guys don’t fall in that category. You have licences but live in a place where it makes no sense to have a car.
the red flags are for people that have to rely on someone else to lift them places. That’s a teenagery ick for me.

I was the non-driving partner. I have a sight condition and had been told by my consultant that I couldn’t drive. Was in my 30s when an optician said that that might not be the case and to consult the DVLA. Went through all the medical stuff, their tests etc and told I could drive legally, so I learned on an automatic to make my life a bit easier and passed my test within 10 weeks of starting to learn.

i won’t lie, it has dramatically changed our lives for the better - we could move out of London, first we moved abroad to somewhere with basically no public transport, and now we’re back in the UK we live in a tiny hamlet with very limited public transport. I’d honestly be lost without a car.

@theduchessofspork it sounds as if you don’t understand ADHD at all. Driving requires good executive function. ADHD is literally a disorder of executive function. It affects concentration, judgement, risk assessment, and emotional control/regulation: all skills needed for adequately safe driving!

Dr Russell Berkeley, a leading ADHD expert, in one of his books (I think it’s ‘overcoming ADHD in Adults’) discusses research that shows that people with ADHD in general, drive as though they are drunk and pose/experience the same risks as a drunk behind the wheel. They are significantly more likely to get in accidents and more likely to be in serious accidents. He even suggests people who take ADHD medication take it right before driving. The DVSA mention ADHD under conditions that may stop you driving.

ADHD is a significant barrier to driving. Not an excuse. You wouldn’t dare tell someone with a physical disability that they were just making an excuse.

The problem isn’t that some people can’t drive (because we will never live in a society where all adults are physically/ mentally able too). The problem is that we do not have adequate public transport so living life as a functioning adult, unfortunately relies on being able to drive. This is what we should be fixing!

I actually believe there are way too many people getting behind a wheel that shouldn’t be.

I didn't drive until my late 20s. I used to live in South Birmingham and had a friend who lived in a village in Staffordshire. To drive it took about 1 hour 15 to get there. On public transport I needed to get the bus into Birmingham (took about half an hour), then train to Burton or Litchfield (took about half an hour) then a bus to the village (took about 40 minutes) with the waiting for busses and trains in between. Was expensive too.

It was doable (as long as I wasn't visiting on a Sunday as the last bus didn't run then) but a pain in the arse. That friend now lives a 3 hour drive away somewhere else. I just looked up and it would take 6 hours on public transport and cost me £200.

Are you a driver?

Two hours doesn’t always bother me, but if it’s the beginning and end of a long day, or I’m feeling unwell or tired. If I’ve been driving a lot recently, it’s nice to have an option of sharing that with someone else.

It’s more than that though for me, it’s the mental and financial load of owning and running a car. Always being the person who people rely on etc. often with no thought given by the non driver to any of that stuff.

The worst thing for me is when your passengers just fall asleep or ignore you whilst you’re driving long distances, it’s so presumptuous and disrespectful (unless you’ve asked them to).

I forgot my point to my last point. Basically, most places you can probably get to (as long as it isn't Sunday in lots of places) but it can take longer and be more expensive. I quite enjoy getting public transport and will sometime get the bus places instead of driving but most of the time driving is more convenient.

What do you do if you want to visit another area of the country? I.e go to new forest / Dorset / Devon / Cornwall / Cotswolds or any of the many lovely places in the UK that arnt cities?
I can understand you don’t need a car in central London - I never drive there but what about when you leave??

I don't drive. Early 30s. 3 children. DP drives. We live in a village, which has everything here, and good transport if needed. I never rely on anyone to take me or my children anywhere, and they certainly don't miss out on anything, they do clubs, see friends daily, go on trips, do all sorts. I walk to work in all weathers and it's a 30 minute walk each way and back. I also get home deliveries for shopping etc.
I don't drive because of anxiety, and to be fair I've never been interested. I've lived in a big city and a small village. The cost of driving lessons now, another car, another MOT, insurance and whatever else.. it's just not do-able at the moment. May be in future but right now, it's not an option. DP say's it can be a little annoying sometimes but it doesn't affect us as a whole.
We both also have older family members who either don't drive, or can but never does and, only the husband/wife drives.. so maybe that's why it doesn't affect us much at all, it's not a big deal.

For us the timing is largely irrelevant

The train line through our Cumbrian town runs from A to B - and if you want to get to anywhere on that line you're generally okay as long as the trains are actually running (and they were all cancelled yesterday due to the weather).

The issue comes if you want to go quite literally anywhere else. There's just no decent service that doesn't involve spending two hours in a connecting station somewhere, or going 40 miles out of your way because that's the only place you can get the connection from.

Is it doable? Well yes, strictly speaking, but it's not practical or remotely cost-effective, and the timings are horrendous 😂

But I rented a car for our last holiday abroad because it was a place we really wanted to visit and it was not possible without car.

So you CAN drive @User7567 ? That makes all the difference. It's not 'not owning a car' that's a big problem. It's not having the life skill that allows you to rent a car drive when there's a real need to, whether for a holiday, or to reach a family member in an emergency.

Yes, I'm a driver.

My post was in response to someone who wanted their passenger to share a two-hour drive. That's ridiculous.

The costs of running a car are different although I would never ask anyone to pay me petrol money for a two-hour drive anyway. It's literally a couple of quid.

And no worries at all if people fall asleep. Shows they are comfortable with my driving.

I never rely on anyone to take me or my children anywhere,

Except your husband. Who finds it annoying.

I live where I can afford to live, mate. I’ve lived in places with better transport links back when we were renting but we had to decide whether to move somewhere with shit transport links where we could afford to buy or stay renting (with all the insecurity and extra expense this includes) in an area with good links. Actually, in theory the transport links in my area are okish (on paper they look ok) but in execution they are not. Buses never come on time. Or at all. Trains are constantly delayed. It’s rubbish. I ride my bike as much as possible but that doesn’t really work so well with kids.

Driving is only super important in this country because our public transport is inexcusably shit.