Upset DH wants to holiday without me

[Staywildandwander]

I’m very emotional about this and it’s bringing back a little bit of PTSD. I need some outside perspective.

A few months ago DH told me his parents wanted to take our DS on holiday next year in June (he will be 20 months old). This is without us. I said no because he is a fairly clingy baby (although has got less so as time has gone on) He doesn’t see grandparents much- we’re a busy family (I have 2 other children and we do things on a weekend). We go over maybe once a month for a couple of hours, they don’t come to see us, so they don’t have a great bond.

I told DH that I thought this was unreasonable. Grandparents have countered this by saying DH can go too. Plus they have never asked any other parent of a grandchild they’ve just taken them (Two grandchildren in care and one lived with them for 3 years) so completely different scenarios. I can’t go as I work in a school and it’s during term time. I said I thought this was unfair as they would know I wouldn’t be able to go. DH has said it’s not fair to make them pay more to go in school holidays just so I can go. I agreed but said I also don’t need to let my DS go without me. I think it’s unreasonable. I’m his primary care giver, he comes to me when he learns something new, when he’s upset or when he wants something.

The holiday has been booked with DS as he doesn’t cost anything and DH is on too. He has said that if I don’t want DS to go he won’t take him but has also said I’d be really selfish not to allow him to go. DH has said he wants to go because this might be the last time he ever holidays with parents (he has only ever been on one holiday for a few days with them as far as I know). For clarity we can afford to go on holiday ourselves and have been away this year so it’s not like if he doesn’t go he won’t get a holiday.

I am really fearful of DS going, I know DH can look after him for a few hours (never had to do more) but a week is a long time for a baby to go without his mum and me without him. I don’t want a break from him, I don’t need a break from him.

I’m also upset that DH would want to go for a week without me. He complains we don’t see each other enough as it is.

Am I being unreasonable. Everytime I think about it I get upset and it’s almost 12 months away!!

No, our relationship isn’t about us holding power over one another. It would be a joint decision.
but DH wouldn’t want to take the kids away knowing they would be upset, unless it was necessary. That would be his view too so there wouldn’t be the disagreement that OP is having.

Actually no you've said no and expect him to obey no compromise such as you can go for 3 days and fly back.

Ok. You clearly know our dynamic better than I do.

you appear to have a very negative view of how relationships work.

I never expect DH to “obey” me lol. That’s ridiculous! Nor do I obey him. What a horrid view of relationships.

You've told him no it's that simple.

In your position I would refuse point blank. Your DC will still be very young and needs his mother, especially as he does not know GPs well. Personally I would have spent the whole time worrying excessively about health and accidents if GPs had taken my DC away at such a young age.
Mothers have a special bond with babies and toddlers, much closer than fathers, so DH is not a substitute, quite apart from the horrible exclusion of you. (I make the point about the bond with mother despite the fact that my DH was a SAHD when my DCs were very young).

The problem is that if you went then your other children would likely be expected to go too and that would completely change the dynamic from two couples who are friends with their toddler gc to catering to older children.

I can see why they don't want that.

That's exactly why I think they went for those dates!

If you cave in (and I hope you won't) make sure there is good travel insurance in place for your DC and DH. One of my children (primary school age at the time) had a 'minor' accident on holiday in France, it turned out he had a serious internal injury and needed surgery. Dealing with that was absolutely horrific, French bureaucracy and demands for payment (ambulance insisting on cash), along with the appalling emotional stress. Honestly, with a toddler you need to be there.

You’d only see him briefly anyway because he’d be with childminder

be great for dh to have some 1-2-1 and his grandparents

I think this is more about you than DS put him first he’ll have a blast

Did you miss the part when the child will be with it's father? If given the choice I would much prefer my children were in the care of an actual parent than a few nursery workers on minimum wage.

That’s a good point but if they don’t plan on seeing the DS more and her DH doesn’t build up to it by taking the DS out on his own for long periods, the DS is likely not going to want to leave OP or does and ends up distressed most of the trip.

Not sure why they can’t wait until the DS is older. Asking to take a 6 month old away on holiday alone in about a year’s time at 20 months when you only see them once a month is crazy and isn’t about the child.

Wondering if they would have wanted to take the DS anyway if it wasn’t for their friends taking their grandchild.

I didn’t.

Did you miss the part where OP said her DH has only had their DS for a few hours alone not long hours and that she is the primary caregiver?

I also said that her DH needs to build up to having him alone for long periods so it is possible and less chance of it being distressing for their son.

It is different when a young child is in nursery in a familiar place with familiar people and still having their routine vs going completely out of their comfort zone to an unknown place and out of routine.

Some families work like that, others don't. I have the final say for things like this when my kids are babies, my husband is perfectly fine with that. For others who aren't or their husbands aren't, perfectly fine to have a different approach. I'm my children's primary care giver when they are very young, I wouldn't have it any other way
But that's just me, others are fine to be different

Would they maybe travel somewhere else so they could have the baby in the day time and bring them back in the evenings? That would be the comparison to nursery/childminder. Op would see her child everyday and get to do nighttime and the baby could be with grandparents and dad. Win win

I tell my dh no all the time lol. I'm happy with that dynamic though and so is he. Other games are different, whatever works for people is fine. I
He knows I'm better at some things and he's better at others. We give way to each other for the betterment of the family

Like I said that was the bones of the conversation he asked you said no a weeks a long time I get it but you can get to Spain in 3 hours surely a compromise of a long week end and an early flight home should of been discussed? Hes in day care so it's not like you are attached at the boobies day in day out.

Of cause you are happy with that!

That might work for some people certainly and I've no issues with that. But it wouldn't work for me but the key thing I suppose is my husband would be fine with that. If he wasn't, then certainly we'd discuss it but he still wouldn't be taking my baby out of the country without me unless it was an emergency/ unavoidable situation. Doesn't mean everyone has to do the same though

@Staywildandwander - are you all British Nationals? Or are your DH/GP's different nationalities to you and have relatives abroad? I would definitely be saying no if they are different nationalities just in case they didn't bring him back.

Otherwise, you need to do what you think is best for your lo

The issue here is if this was a husband telling a wife that he wasn't allowing her to take a baby to visit with he's family it wouid be phone womens aid, he's controlling you isolating you etc etc I've seen those conversations on here. Men are equal as parents in a marriage under the same roof or not. Now I agree a weeks a long time but he was offered no wiggle room some people want an easy life and won't argue but i highly doubt internally that he's cool with the lack of resolution

The answer is no. Because you don’t want it.

I think YABVU!

Your child will be a toddler, going on holiday with his loving father and grandparents. He will probably have an absolute ball. I really struggle to understand your reasons to say no.

Put your child first and ask yourself honestly if it is really in his best interests to say no to this.

This.

Not a chance my under 2 would be going on holiday abroad without me, I think your dh is being incredibly selfish to even go along with the suggestion and I’d be questioning our relationship if he went ahead with it.

For us annual leave is precious family time, we have been on weekends away with my mum but we all went, no one was left at home.

I would be fine with this as long as DH is going too. I would enjoy the alone time.