Daughter refusing to speak normally

[Maryahadaballtoday]

I’m at my bloody wits end with my child and I’m very close to telling her so.

I have one child (daughter she’s eight) she is my only child as a few years ago I had my tubes tied neither me or partner wanted another daughter - perfectly fine with just one and she has plenty of cousins and friends to spend time with. I

Its worth noting before I go on that my child is not neurodivergent nor is she from a broken home. Me and her dad have been together twelve years. We have never broken up nor divorced either, partly because we’ve never been married. So there’s really no need for her to be doing what she does.

Lately she has been reverting back to baby speech - saying things like chippies or icky, the worst is bobo when she wants her water bottle and it’s grinding my gears to the maximum. It’s gotten so bad that my partner will flat out ignore her.

Earlier on today she had a full on temper tantrum and kept screaming “icky icky icky” over ice cream spilling on her fingers while we were out. When I pulled her up on to her feet and sternly told her she was on thin ice she reverted back to baby speech “I no wike you” was among my top five favourites.

AIBU to ignore her like my partner is doing? Is this a phase she’ll grow out of? I’m dreading sending her back to school the week after next because her baby talk has got so bad none of her friends have wanted to spend time all summer

I really don’t need the shaming mum parade, I’d like a hand hold and for someone to tell me their kid has also been driving them beserk too

although I know I’m likely to be flamed - Mumsnet seems to be that way

I guess the OP has long ago left the room
I agree she sounds at the end of her tether she'd in need of a break
It does seem odd to have seen 3 psychiatrists and that more than ones teacher has commented on whether she is ND.
It also seems odd of the OP to say ," I have it in writing .. that she's.."

@Maryahadaballtoday A lot of your stress around this is based on things that might happen in the future, eg how her teacher might respond. It’s not easy to block out those thoughts, but they’re very seldom helpful or even accurate. Try not to catastrophise.

What strikes me is that you’re already dealing with a lot of stress. And even though you’re keeping the facts from her, it’s very likely that she’s observing your unhappiness. Children always think they are responsible and it could be that she has landed on this way of winding you up, that gives her an unconscious sense of control. She’s probably not directly aware of it, and caught up in a self perpetuating loop.

Sometimes as adults we have to restore connection with our dc. It’s actually really important to model how to rebuild and repair relationship, if we want them to learn these skills. Is there something you can do together, maybe watch a movie or some Netflix show, that doesn’t require much talking. Sit together, cuddle, eat some snacks and just be there passively.

Do you want to share a bit more about your situation- what happened with your partner’s job? Is he likely to struggle to get another? How badly impacted are you? It sounds like you need somewhere to safely vent.

My 6 year old does this. We just say we don’t understand baby language. She will only get a response if she speaks in a normal voice/words

She's well old enough to know better and stop when you've asked her to stop.

I'd tell her her bedtime will be 5 minutes earlier each and every time you have to remind her to stop, because babies have earlier bedtimes than 8 year old girls. If she's going to talk like a baby, she can go to bed early like a baby.

Very true.

This! Best advice! My older child started doing baby behaviours and talk after the birth of my 2nd and I leaned into it. Playing mommy and baby with her, reminiscing of her as a baby, looking at pictures etc. It was actually super sweet to remember that time. It quickly went away. There is always something behind the behaviours. Behaviour is communication, it's often helpful to try and figure out what she is trying to communicate/what need she's trying to meet.
Maybe your daughter is a bit scared of going back to school, specially if there are issues with friends. She might, consciously or not, miss simpler times when she was younger and was your little baby, safe by your side all the time?

This kind of annoying shit is where teachers are useful. I bet after a day or two back at school and she pack it in.

You’ve completely missed my point. It’s the term broken home. I’m a single parent family and my home is far from broken thank you. The OP also implies that it would be understandable if her daughter spoke like that and she was in a single parent family. That just isn’t the case is it.

No you didn't say "it sounds like" at all. You explicitly said OP's child IS ND. Why tell a blatant lie when your post is there for all to see?

To be honest, in this response you sound quite childish OP. Refusing to put yourself in your daughter's shoes and isolating yourself crying and watching a show (huh, hello teenager-lile behaviour!). Of course our kids pick up on our stress and tensions, even when we think we hide it well from them, they can for sure sense even small changes in our behaviours and habits.

I haven't read though 12 pages yet however it looks like you are getting good advice

YABVU to use the phrase "broken home".
Single parent here and neither my home nor my family are in any way "broken".

Hi, did you never play, pretend to be another person or an animal, put on an act as a child? Did you ever play that really annoying game when you repeat the thing the other person has just said? I clearly remember talking in a made up language for AGES and I was older than 10! I think if my mum had told me I was being “silly” or “ridiculous” then it wouldn’t have stopped me doing it, I might have A. Felt quite disconnected from her, or B. Felt down on myself and think of myself as silly or annoying.

I really sometimes don’t know where our current model of parenting comes from and I feel really quite depressed reading this thread at the lack of understanding that one of the most important thing a kid needs is to feel connected and understood; that a kid who is regularly dismissed and who has their thoughts, feelings and experiences shut down is likely to feel shit about themselves. Sometimes I think we treat kids with less respect than adults

They all do this it’s a stage. My nephew did it and he now 17 and a perfectly well mannered almost adult. My son did it too. And I had my stock phrase of ‘talk in your normal voice please’ on REPEAT!! He’s now 13 and grown out of it..

I suspect she's enjoying the fact that it's obviously winding you up so much. Ignore it as much as possible or just say 'I'll answer you when you speak properly'. Above all stay calm and don't show that it's getting to you. It's an annoying phase, that's all.

Yes, although it's worth bearing in mind that adults getting so furious with a child's harmless (if irritating) behaviour is often a defense.

Children often trigger responses in their carers that reflect unmet needs of the adult. If a child is taught that their asking for attention or affection is wrong or silly or naughty they may when they grow up find it very hard to handle a child asking the same of them.

Worth considering why something makes us so angry.

I don’t agree that ignoring behaviour is rejection or will give her issues. Sometimes children do stuff because they enjoy it. Sometimes kids do stuff because they just want to, they have low impulse control and sometimes low empathy with their parents and will keep doing something because they like it.

If she was looking for affirmation from a disconnected or emotionally neglectful parent she would be trying to please to be “good” (I have personal experience of this).

I would say 3 psychiatrists seems a bit much tbh unless there is other stuff going on.

Really good point! And one of the reasons that parenting is so tough and self reflection is so important

Try to calm down.

Let her go back to school.

Her teachers won't stand for it (maybe give them a heads up) and her friends will tease her for it.

Then she'll stop.

If there is no reason at all, then she's doing it because either she enjoys it or she enjoys the effect it has on you.

You could try not reacting.

Or you could indulge her and speak baby language back to her.

Or you could go one better and treat her like a baby when you're out in public and see if that snaps her out of it.

I'm sure she'll stop when she's back at school and back in a routine.

100% ignore it.

Try blank face, no emotions.

When she speaks properly, kind smile and kind gentle voice.

I think thats a good point but a parents job is also to teach boundaries, how they wish to be spoke to etc. Mine has been barking like a dog, I generally let her get on but if she is disturbing others or preventing me from having a conversation then yes I will ask her to stop because it’s disruptive and annoying. I think never telling a child that their behaviour is negative is not great. OP thinks the girls friends are avoiding her because of this behaviour, I would definitely be trying to help her stop if she was alienating herself.

Exactly.

We have a book in which we have written down the funny and cute things ours did because it’s so easy to forget otherwise . Even with the book, when we get it out every so often, there’s always something I had forgotten or one of us will exclaim: “ oh that’s right! I remember that!” There is nothing our Dc love more than getting that book out - often round Christmas. Children love to reminisce and hear about their baby days. Even if they get bigger, they know that’s all still safely recorded in there to revisit.

Another poster above made a really good point as well, namely that children (and often especially girls IME) reach an age where they find babies and little children really cute, and it can be a role-play type thing as they are quite “taken” by them. That’s very natural - it’s the first stirrings of our instincts as humans to nurture and cherish babies. Every child loves a kitten or puppy.

I think, op, there are lots of fairly good explanations for it that you don’t need to get too worried about. I personally wouldn’t shame or punish her; it’s unkind and likely to be counter-productive. But maybe have a chat about babies and baby talk etc. Be honest ( but not angry) that you are wondering why she is doing it and just ask non-judgementally, and see which angle you think she is coming from. Does she feel worried about something? Does it seem as though these worries are coming with getting bigger? Little children can be so cute: has she noticed any cute children on tv or irl lately? What did she like about being a toddler? What’s better now? You may get a feel for what is driving it. She may even say “ because it gets you mad!” 🤣 But at least you would know more about her state of mind regarding it! I suspect it is something a bit needy surrounding growing up. As I said before, look how many threads you can find on MN about support during peri menopause: even adults feel uncertain and needy about moving through stages of life, but she can’t post “ anyone else feeling nostalgic for the bits of childhood that are behind us as we move into year 4?” I think you mentioned she has a stern teacher this year. Maybe it’s that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, absolutely.

It can be quite a useful, if not easy, way of finding out one's own areas that need work ...

Absolutely! Boundaries are crucial. The key is approaching with patience and curiosity and compassion.

Who the fuck are you to diagnose another persons child just because she has some similar behaviour to your child. You are the very worst type of mumsnetter.

Yes but I don’t think the poster was saying you shouldn’t work through the behaviour with them, but rather explore it with them
in a supportive way. I sometimes find it useful to ask myself why I responded a certain way to something. It helps.