Husband has secretly given kids an e-scooter

[PortaRoast]

The title says it all really. I found out from a friend last night that my kids have an e-scooter and that at least one of them has been using it while I'm at work. It turns out DH bought it for them on Saturday and decided not to tell me.

I've always said absolutely no to getting one because they're illegal to use on the road and (in my opinion) very dangerous for kids to be on. Our kids are 14 and 17.

If I put my foot down and make him get rid of it the kids will be upset with me, but I don't want to allow them to use it either. I don't know how to handle this and I'm absolutely furious that this has been done behind my back.

So, AIBU for being so angry with DH or is it no big deal and do I need to chill about it?

OP has made it known she doesn't want them having one.

Husband purchased one.

They only use it when she isn't home.

Connect the dots.

I think you need a serious discussion with your husband about why he thinks its ok to a) undermine your authority with the kids and b) include the kids in a secret kept from you.

Has he ever pulled this kind of shit before? Is he always the "fun" Dad?

I agree with your opinion of the scooter itself though - they can be very dangerous and are obvs illegal unless you are on private land. And also charging it in the garage without your knowledge is another risk.

I'd be getting your husband to take it away and he has to explain to the kids that its been taken away because in hindsight he shouldn't have given it to them in the first place.

I actually think I'd tell my husband either he gets rid of it and tells the kids it's because he's had second thoughts and realised it's not safe (and doesn't bring me into it at all), or I'll be leaving. I cannot stand this kind of sly bullshit in a relationship.

@MonsteraMama Love your username - I too am a monstera mama!

Book your DH on a hang gliding course - he obviously loves taking risks.

Slighly off topic but I would be more concerned about it being a fire risk. A house on my road burnt completely down because of an e-scooter which was left on charge overnight. On that basis alone I wouldn't have one!

This !

Your child is 17, an adult... I didn't even live at home at that point.

You and your DH are allowed to individually gift people things, that gift is between them and the receiver. You cannot steal from someone just because you are their mother/wife. You can be 'mad' at your husband for feeling wronged, give him the silent treatment or even break up if you want (then he really could allow your kids to do anything he wants on his parenting time) but you can't change peoples legal rights or take things that aren't yours.

You can attempt to put rules in place like no riding on roads/public area (since its illegal anyway if it gets confiscated because they broke the law it sounds like thats what you want anyway) but you do NOT get to sell it, give it away, hide it, lie about it, confiscate it, hand it to police (they aren't illegal to own) etc... that people are batshittedly suggesting as its not your property.

Does he often not give a fuck about your opinion and does what he likes?

And what about my 14 year old that's been riding it on the road?

I'm not considering stealing it. This thread is about whether my anger toward the deviousness of DH is warranted.

I've always wondered who were the idiots who bought these for young people. Now I know.

Don’t be ridiculous. She can do what she wants and then deal with the fall out within the family. I wouldn’t want a 14 year old on an e-scooter on the road or the 17 for that matter seeing as it is illegal. Would you not confiscate a gun that someone had given your child?

It is. I'd be wondering what else he's hiding.

Of course it's wrong for someone to go behind their spouse's back and give their children something they know the other parent didn't want them to have for safety reasons. Wonderful way to drive a wedge into a relationship.

How would he have felt if one of the children had been injured while using a e-scooter that he'd bought without discussing with you? How would he have explained that? I'd be furious that he'd not only shown no respect for me but had involved the children in the lie. What a message to send!

This.

I'd be cross that my husband made that decision without us both agreeing. I'd just hide the charger in the meantime.

Well, a 16yo boy died in our town falling off one a couple of years back.

Your h is a stupid sneaky idiot.

Well.you are. They're not babies, their other parent wants them to have one. You can't control everything

I feel like this is the tip of the iceberg. I cannot think of a world where dp would keep something like this deliberately secret from me, and was it really a 'secret' as it was obviously gping to come out sooner or later. I'd be interested to know how the decision making process went, if you said no and he said yes, did you discuss and agree on no or did you leave it up in the air? I guess what I'm really asking is could this stem from resentment that you ultimately put yourself in charge of the final decision?

I'd get rid of them and then when asked where they've gone I'd claim ignorance. E scooter? What e scooter? 😳

Sorry to derail the thread a bit!

I have no advice OP. However, this reminds me of the experience I had, sitting by my sash windows during lockdown (so clear view), day in and day out, having clear view of 3 streets in a very lovely area I lived.

Many times, the dad alone with a pushchair and baby/toddler; they would be holding a coffee in one hand and a phone on the other, reading something/texting- oh and their head down! Dad would push the pushchair so it wheels itself for a short distance whilst dad walks behind it exclusively engrossed in his activities as the pushchair 'moves itself': coffee drinking and reading/texting on his phone. I was gobsmacked!

Only one thing came to my mind: No mother would knowingly let the dad do that to their child. I was then clear that some dads- not all- will always just do what they want with the kids when mums aren't around. I am sorry your DH has done this- at least they should have told you!

I really would "steal" it and sell it. After all you didn't know about it!

I wouldn't normally resort to such petty games, but I think it's the only way to get back some control and respect in your own home. Your children being told by their Dad to keep secrets from you is not on.

Can't the 17 year old have it? They're an adult next year. They can legally learn to drive a car.
Like someone else has already said I'd already left home at that age.

I understand not wanting the younger kid to use it though

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/mar/08/boy-sentenced-for-causing-death-after-crashing-into-woman-with-e-scooter

In particular

His parents, who attended court, must pay £85 costs and a £26 victim surcharge and were both handed six-month parenting orders.

Although it was not used on this occasion (Why?) there is a potential liability under 'cause or permit' which could mean a fine and penalty points on your husbands driving licence.

Just drive it to the tip and pop it in. No discussion is necessary. Be the better parent though and don’t tell the kids to lie about it to him.
Personally I’d then go out for a really long afternoon.
Be uninterested in any discussion of the whole thing. After all the three of them thought not talking about it made it all ok.