SIL ignores messages on group chat

[21andcountingtoday]

We have a family group chat and SIL always ignores my messages. I will send pics of family outings and she’ll literally reply to BIL’s messages after mine but completely ignore mine.

I’m baffled as to why she’s doing this. We couldn’t look after her pets a few years ago due to family illness and I wonder if she’s still upset about this? Or….whether she doesn’t want to see my pictures as I’ve got three kids and she desperately wanted another one but couldn’t have one? I do truly understand how difficult secondary infertility is having gone through it myself…

Or MIL and I don’t get on, so are they conspiring together?

I just find it really sad. I set up the group in the first place to unite us. She posts on it all the time with family pics and I always reply really positively so what the hell is her problem?

I want to communicate with BIL for the sake of my kids so that my kids have a connection with their cousins. DH is resigned to the fact that SIL is a bitch. He can’t work her out and just thinks she doesn’t like either of us…DH has done nothing to upset SIL. He has literally bent over backwards to be kind to her over the years.

Its upsetting me, and I find it incredibly rude to completely bypass my messages but then reply in depth to BIL’s message received a few hours later….

I think it’d be strange to cut communication on the group chat and start a new one with just BIL, but since this is the only channel we’ve got should I continue to use it or just never post? DH is terrible at sending pics etc and I feel like if I didn’t we just wouldn’t keep in touch at all. Set up this channel for the sake of my kids but they aren’t actually getting anything out of this so don’t know why I’m bothering.

Op are you able to just ask her if everything is ok between you both or why don't you direct message her for general chit chat to see how she responds, maybe she will be better with a direct chat. That said don't kill yourself to connect with her.. you wasn't put on earth to beg or to be treated like this. I always say one attempt at resolving is good there after it's over to them...

Thank you @Sunsetbeachhouse for your reply. I did message a really lengthy apology when we couldn’t look after pets but she never replied. I think you’re right, I’ve tried hard to resolve this but I don’t think there is a resolution.
The ball is in her court. Now the question is should I still use the group chat to communicate to BIL who is lovely, do you think?

It would feel odd communicating with BIL directly as we have never done so

Stop gushing over her posts, communicate with those who respond. Treat her as she treats you.

Ignore her behaviour and just talk to your BIL. Whatever you do, don't overcompensate or try to put things right because it won't fix things. Thats just not how it works with passive aggressive people.

@AnyThoughtsWelcome but I would find it incredibly rude to not respond to someone in the way she has done to my posts. I mean I just don’t know how to do that…but you’re right I’ve got to develop a backbone. I guess I think if I send nice replies she might eventually send some kind of response to my messages but she never does!!! I mean not even an acknowledgement to a post about our holiday pics but will respond to a post about the weather from BIL! Almost feel like I should just come off the WhatsApp but that would create drama

@Thelnebriati yoyre right and that’s EXACTLY what I’ve been doing. I’ve been overcompensating and trying to fix things, both in equal measure. She’s a total drain of my energy and thoughts. Don’t know why I’ve given her headspace at all.

So she's talking to her own husband in a group chat and ignoring everyone else? Does she not realise how embarrassing and weird that behaviour is?

Who's in the chat, just you two couples or other family members too? I'd be tempted to just let it die if it's just you + your husband + BIL + SIL. Your husband doesn't seem that arsed about maintaining the relationship and honestly who cares if your kids are close to their cousins?

I hate family WhatsApp chats, I really do. There is always pressure to instantly respond. I don’t want to be constantly marvelling at other people’s nonsense and photos.
Use them for communicating messages about meeting up or similar but just the boring trivia does my head in. Why the need to see absolutely everything all the time. Save it for family gatherings.

Leave her to it, and just carry on using the group chat.
She knows exactly what she's doing and everyone else sees it too.
My sil is exactly the same with me but I pretend I don't even notice and don't waste my energy on it .

Feign innocent ignorance.

Ask in the group chat: ‘Are you getting my messages SIL? Not sure they’re going through for everyone!’ Then if she ignores you again: ‘BIL, can you see my messages? Not sure if whatsapp is playing up or something!’

If she messages BIL, reply to the comment: ‘Ah looks like this one is visible – can you see my reply BIL?’

Step it up a notch: start talking about her directly to BIL: ‘Hey, do you think SIL would like this? I saw it for the kids. Let me know if you speak to her’

etc etc

Make it farcical. Enjoy

In light of her ignoring your message when you said sorry for the pets thing, You should not use the group chat anymore because you're not here to be blanked all the time. Op cut her off...

@MonsteraMama

She's talking to her brother in group chat and MIL but ignoring me.

So it’s SIL, MIL, BIL, DH and me

Yes maybe, I should just let it die…SIL’s son isn’t interested in getting to know my kids. My kids have each other and get on very well, I guess it was more of a concern when I didn’t have the the twins as I really worried about my first child being on their own. It would still be nice to have a relationship with BIL’s kids, but don’t know if it’s worth the hassle of dealing with SIL

This is the best advice leave her to it !!

Defo true – they thrive on rejecting cooperation. That’s where the power lies!

DH is terrible at sending pics etc and I feel like if I didn’t we just wouldn’t keep in touch at all.

So be it then, they're his family after all.

I'd either learn to give your SIL less headspace or become more like your DH.

I would just message directly to arrange anything and keep in touch that way

Ask her a direct question and if she ignores that follow it with a breezy “SIL are you getting my messages as you’ve not replied to any for ages?”

You do sound rather controlling, op. Just leave her be and stop stressing about it. Many of us hate being forced into WhatsApp groups yet feel we have to go along with accepting to keep the peace. Doesn't mean everyone then wants to be part of every conversation. Just get on with your life and quit analysing her behaviour and scale back your expectations of interaction to stop being disappointed.

I’m a bit confused about set up of your group and who is who and with which kids you want to have a relationship but my rule is that if there are tensions whatever they are the communication should be on blood relatives. So if she’s your DH’s sister and you want something from her - your DH texts her or post in a group tagging her. If she is your brother’s wife - you txt to your brother.
Otherwise you ignore her and don’t expect any sort of reaction from her and you react on some of her posts ( only if you fancy it) but not to all.

I find it odd that you set up a family WhatsApp for your husband's family. My husband is in my extended family's whatsapp but he doesn't engage much and sees it as my family's thing. I respond to some posts and not others but have no notifications and think some people post too much nonsense

So this is your MIL, your DH and his two siblings, plus you?

You have an older child and twins, SIL has a son and BIL also has children, but neither of them have a partner or spouse in the group chat?

If it’s a MIL-and-her-three-adult-children WhatsApp, why are you even in it?

Why not save yourself all the hassle, mute and archive it. Leave it between DH and his siblings to foster relationships.

So it’s MIL and her three kids - plus you. Is that right? No other partners? In that case I’d just leave the group.

Just let it die a death and stop trying to push for contact. For whatever reason she isn't responding so just stop with the pics and chat. I don't message on DH's family group chat either, never have done.

Yeah that’s right but BIL and SIL are divorced so partners obviously not on it.

Ive muted it and archived it. I set it up initially as was worried about my DD not having any blood relatives that were children but now we’ve got a busy household with twins I don’t really know why I keep on with the chat. I think I finally want SIL to acknowledge me, almost like a cheating boyfriend to finally realise he’s a piece of crap liar and genuinely say sorry (but he never does) Ha, hope analogy makes sense!

Perhaps she saw you setting up a group for her family as 'overstepping', or a bit odd?

I think I would've been inclined to suggest a family group, but would've let your MIL, SIL, BIL or your DH do it.