SIL ignores messages on group chat

[21andcountingtoday]

We have a family group chat and SIL always ignores my messages. I will send pics of family outings and she’ll literally reply to BIL’s messages after mine but completely ignore mine.

I’m baffled as to why she’s doing this. We couldn’t look after her pets a few years ago due to family illness and I wonder if she’s still upset about this? Or….whether she doesn’t want to see my pictures as I’ve got three kids and she desperately wanted another one but couldn’t have one? I do truly understand how difficult secondary infertility is having gone through it myself…

Or MIL and I don’t get on, so are they conspiring together?

I just find it really sad. I set up the group in the first place to unite us. She posts on it all the time with family pics and I always reply really positively so what the hell is her problem?

I want to communicate with BIL for the sake of my kids so that my kids have a connection with their cousins. DH is resigned to the fact that SIL is a bitch. He can’t work her out and just thinks she doesn’t like either of us…DH has done nothing to upset SIL. He has literally bent over backwards to be kind to her over the years.

Its upsetting me, and I find it incredibly rude to completely bypass my messages but then reply in depth to BIL’s message received a few hours later….

I think it’d be strange to cut communication on the group chat and start a new one with just BIL, but since this is the only channel we’ve got should I continue to use it or just never post? DH is terrible at sending pics etc and I feel like if I didn’t we just wouldn’t keep in touch at all. Set up this channel for the sake of my kids but they aren’t actually getting anything out of this so don’t know why I’m bothering.

leave it be. Chat with those who engage with you. She's in 'inlaw' just let her crack on with her own behaviour. Engage with the people that you love and let it be.

Don't post anything anymore not even ro bil and see if they chase you.

If your only contact is a what's app group then there's not .uch point. Take a back seat and see what happens.

If my bil amd sil divorced I wouldn't add the non blood side to a family chat. That's just weird.

If she's lovely in person in person then that's who she is. She isn't a bitch because she isn't reacting how you want her to to your holiday photos. You and her mum have some sort of conflict, she is probably feeling a little uncomfortable about who's side to take but she is obviously her mother's daughter.

I think if you want a harmonious big family setting then you need to get to a place where you get on with everyone. It's what happens in real life that matter, not on a WA group. If you can all meet up and have a lovely time together then there is a chance that it's befeficial for your kids, but you all being on a WA group has absolutely zero impact on your kids.

I think if my brothers wife set up a WhatsApp group for my family I'd find that odd and over stepping I'd probably have a bit of a "Who does she think she is?" Type attitude towards it and not feel particularly invested in being in the chat.

Also if you don't get in with your MIL it's even more strange that you'd set up a chat with her in it.

Do your values align with theirs? Do you have a lot in common? Would you be friends if you weren't married to your DH?

I have 2 SILs, one I get on with although we are quite different and as a passionate feminist I find her love of taking on "wife work" very annoying. The other I don't like, we have literally nothing in common, zero common values or interests, although both parents every aspect of our parenting is polar opposites. She is the one I don't speak to unless it's in person. I can be nice in person but I find her draining and honestly just don't care about her or her family. Sad I guess but I don't exist to fawn over her.

I'd suggest just mute the group chat, or leave it entirely. Your DH can talk to his siblings if he wants to (which it sounds like he doesnt) and maybe try and focus on friends or your own family for a sense of community.

Whatsapp groups can be a blessing or a curse.

Great to involve everyone in decision making from the get go. I.e. shall we go out in September what dates are best for everyone and does anyone have any restaurant recommendations etc? Some people reply almost instantly. Great I can do the last Friday and Saturday in the month anyone fancy that new Thai place or usual Italian?

Family groups can be a nightmare with some never replying or taking ages to reply. One SIL of mine hates whatsapp and takes an eternity to reply if at all and has to be chased up. Other SIL is forever setting whatsapp groups ip for different occasions. She is fully active on them, messages frequently and at ridiculous times of the day etc.

As said above maybe quietly don’t post or comment on the group for a little while. No big announcements or winding SIL up its not worth it and not bringing you any joy.

Take care OP

It probably isn’t this, but group chats don’t suit everyone. DH is from a large family of 4 siblings, he frequently lets his WhatsApp disconnect by not updating it. He’s not a technophobe but he doesn’t like any form of social media - even group chats. I didn’t used to agree, but he makes a point about how photo sharing and holiday bragging can be quite irritating and divisive. Also, words on screens not chats in person are prone to misinterpretation. Then there’s the way it’s there for ever to scroll back on. Recently the last of these points was highlighted by a row the siblings had where SIL attacked BIL about elders cere responsibility

So she's not a 'bitch' then? Was that just a nasty insult on your part as she refuses to do as you wish?🤔

@Commonsenseisnotsocommon as ive repeatedly said I never called her a bitch but DH does

@Ratherbeaspoonthanafork thanks for this. It’s putting it in perspective. I’ve got a WhatsApp group with old uni friends and this is how we use it. We are all motivated to meetup and do so fairly regularly.

The family WhatsApp has lost its purpose really, I guess it’s now like a smaller scale Facebook just for photos but would be better to just not use it than use it in this way

I have to agree with this. It would be going on mute here.

This is my DHs approach and he’s discovered that if he doesn’t do app updates he can even more decisively disconnect from it.

I’m on it, but after a recent row between siblings we are all almost too wary to post anything. Row about care of MIL.

One SIL so sensitive that we weren’t sure whether she’d be more upset to know of DCs A Level success or offended if we didn’t say. So we got other SIL to mention it ‘in passing’ 🤣

Tbh you sound hard work.

My DH family have an extended whatsapp group with partners included. They all chat a lot on there, and there is endless photos and snaps of the various cousins etc. I 100% do not comment or respond to all of them. I barely talk on there at all, except for arranging plans. It's not that I don't like my SILs/ BILs.... but I am not someone who enjoys being spammed with pics of random food, other peoples' kids etc multiple times a day. I've got my own kids to focus on, and a stressful FT job so when I'm sat in the office there's genuinely not much I want to reply to a picture of my SIL at the beach with her kids at 1pm on a Tuesday. I do post some pics of my kids on there rarely, but I never expect responses - it's mainly so DH's parents can see them, and I don't have any expectations that BILs/SILs care about those pics!

TLDR. People are busy. Some of us aren't great with messaging and just want a bit of peace!

Hi op just ignore her. I have it too. She all chit chat to my husb sadly hers has passed. Families are weird. My kids get overlooked too. Im polite i keep it at that no extra.

Do you actually ask her questions in that chat and be ignored or do you just comment on photos/spam with your own? Because people generally aren't interested in other people's children/holidays/house renovations etc. All the "aw so cute!/that looks fun!/love that colour!" is just politeness. If you aren't close, that kind of thing isn't going to bring you any closer. It just makes people feel obligated to respond out of politeness. Your SIL clearly doesn't feel obligated to though.

Also, as other people have said, from reading your last example, I wonder if you come across rude to her in the way you use the chat. It's quite odd to jump into a conversation between two others to spam photos of your holiday. That comes across like you are trying to turn the conversation around to you, rather than you just trying to join in. A better approach would have been to comment on what they were saying and not talk about yourself until someone asked. Flatter, praise, show interest. Rather than "look at me".

@HollyKnight i actually spent 6 months just replying to their posts and they posted frequently. With things like ‘wow, that’s amazing etc’ but after that long I felt motivated to send some pictures as it’s been so long, and thought maybe they might also be interested in us, but clearly not!

But did you ask anything?

I mean, your DH isn't interested either. So maybe they're just giving his family back the same energy he gives theirs. Or this is just the way they are. They don't do fake platitudes.

@HollyKnight i asked in response to pictures so if they sent a pic of going to a concert, I’d ask what did you see etc, I was genuinely interested and saw it as a community thing but a community can’t exist if it’s solely one way

I almost think SIL sees the group as a chance to show off ad compete so is not really interested in our lives at all but only in showing off their achievements which I happily responded to for months…was too scared to post stuff on us because I though I’d be met with silence and was

Show off and compete how and who with? It seems more like it's you who wants to compete with the comments about her infertility? You've not said a single thing negative thing re the BIL, does he not post any photos of his dc?

@DoreenonTill8 thats not true, I would never compete in that way as I know how incredibly hurtful it is to see pictures bombarding someone of babies etc when you’ve struggled to conceive. I used to hate that and just wouldn’t do it. I talked about her infertility because I get it so it makes sense as an explanation to me of why she doesn’t want to see pictures of us, that’s why I only post every six months.

BIL doesn’t do any of this, he’s interested in us and cares so I can’t talk badly of him as there’s nothing to say. He’s a warm friendly character. He posts but he responds in equal measure.

is not really interested in our lives at all but only in showing off their achievements

Yes. That's what these types of chats are. Like I said, people generally aren't interested in other people's lives. Someone shows off, someone else responds out of politeness. It doesn't bring people who aren't close any closer together. And be honest, you aren't interested in SIL, you just want her to be interested in your family.

just do the same to her. Ignore all her posts and only respond to BIL.

Does BIL like your posts or respond? If he doesn’t either then leave the group.

Exactly this. Match her energy. Don't allow people to treat you like shit. Communicate with your bil only and leave her to seethe over it.

@HollyKnight Yes I agree with that, these chats are only for showing off…

I’m not sure I only want her to be interested in my family, I definitely think it would show some decency, but I have been genuinely interested in her and her son, it’s only when she never responds to us that it feels really one way and then it becomes about that. In the past I’ve genuinely enjoyed hearing about their adventures as they travel a lot, it’s just that when she never acknowledges us it feels like it was all for show in retrospect…