SIL ignores messages on group chat

[21andcountingtoday]

We have a family group chat and SIL always ignores my messages. I will send pics of family outings and she’ll literally reply to BIL’s messages after mine but completely ignore mine.

I’m baffled as to why she’s doing this. We couldn’t look after her pets a few years ago due to family illness and I wonder if she’s still upset about this? Or….whether she doesn’t want to see my pictures as I’ve got three kids and she desperately wanted another one but couldn’t have one? I do truly understand how difficult secondary infertility is having gone through it myself…

Or MIL and I don’t get on, so are they conspiring together?

I just find it really sad. I set up the group in the first place to unite us. She posts on it all the time with family pics and I always reply really positively so what the hell is her problem?

I want to communicate with BIL for the sake of my kids so that my kids have a connection with their cousins. DH is resigned to the fact that SIL is a bitch. He can’t work her out and just thinks she doesn’t like either of us…DH has done nothing to upset SIL. He has literally bent over backwards to be kind to her over the years.

Its upsetting me, and I find it incredibly rude to completely bypass my messages but then reply in depth to BIL’s message received a few hours later….

I think it’d be strange to cut communication on the group chat and start a new one with just BIL, but since this is the only channel we’ve got should I continue to use it or just never post? DH is terrible at sending pics etc and I feel like if I didn’t we just wouldn’t keep in touch at all. Set up this channel for the sake of my kids but they aren’t actually getting anything out of this so don’t know why I’m bothering.

OP I say this with empathy because I recognise my own behaviours in your post but you’re coming across both as a huge people pleaser and as passive aggressive. Both of these are responses from people who are desperate to be liked and scared of direct confrontation (this is me to a T, and I’ve done a lot of work in therapy on it).

You know that Dita von Teese quote that’s like ‘you can be the juiciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches’? That’s what you need to hold on to. You can be the kindest, friendliest, most engaging person ever and your SIL still might not like you. It’s not your fault. It’s not something you’ve done wrong. It’s not your job to bend over backwards to make her like you.

But passive aggressive action like leaving the group or only messaging BIL aren’t going to solve anything either. They might give you momentary satisfaction but you’ll still be left wondering why SIL doesn’t like you, and she probably won’t even care that you’ve done it.

If the group is making you miserable, just stop using it (without a dramatic exit) and leave it to your husband to keep his family up to date. Or, keep using it to share news with your BIL and just accept that you can’t make your SIL like or engage with you. If you want to reply to her posts because you have something genuine to say then do, but not if you’re only doing so to try and win her round or persuade her to respond to yours.

I find it odd you’re sending things to your DHs siblings when he doesn’t. Honestly, I’d find it a bit weird if I were the siblings.

You sound like a lovely person OP but I think that you keep trying to create a relationship with someone who doesn’t want what you’re offering. It’s her loss. Mute/archive the group, leave DH to facilitate communication with the nice BIL and try to forget about it. Focus on your lovely children, your own friends and family. You’ll be much happier.

This is the best advice on this thread.

With respect. No one is interested in pics of your kids

Just ignore her. You're giving this way too much energy

Afraid I agree with @Maddy70 - hard to hear but SIL's not responding because she's not bothered about you or your kids, which she has no obligation to be, and clearly isn't someone who toes the line to be polite. Though at least she is just ignoring you rather than being any more vocal about it, and I don't think you need to inflate this into her 'conspiring' with MIL. Which reminds me - you say MIL and you don't get on, so it's even stranger to set up this group and expect them to get on with you and be interested just because its whatapp and they can't leave. It doesn't help your kids be friends, to share pix with their parents. If the kids are going to get on, they will. And indeed even my DC who got on with their cousins when they were little, grew out of that friendship and the feeling was mutual so now it's amicable but distant and they've got nothing in common except being related. I think this is all from your only child false expectations and you need to see that you two just don't click and get past bothering about it all.

If this is in WhatsApp, she may have muted your account so doesn't see your posts - which would explain why she responds to everyone else and not you.
Not going to even guess why she may have done that but if she has muted your account, as far as I know, every post, including those in a group chat from that person will be muted.

Is she your dh sister, or bils ex wife? it's not clear.

You had good intentions OP but SIL has made it clear she isn't interested.
DH, his DB, MIL and I have a w.group. Went to leave the group in a huff one time and realised I'd set it up myself.
Did it during lockdown to facilitate better communication but DBIL never posts anything and seems to reply to some messages out of politeness.
DMIL has her moments of spam posting and DH only posts big news like a new job, promotion sort of thing, so not regularly.
Wish I'd never bothered but that's life, we live and learn.
It's my cross to bear now as I haven't mastered the courage to mute yet.
Let it go and we'll done for muting.

Sometimes with people like that, they respond better if you don’t bend over backwards. I don’t know why. Maybe when they notice people are distancing themselves they realise they’re causing a problem or maybe they start feeling they are missing out in some way. Probably the latter or something as self serving.

But what you are doing isn’t working and just making you feel bad so stop it 🙂

This! Just carry on and ignore her lack of response. Stop worrying about something that doesn't matter.

Are your posts asking direct questions requiring answers or just posts? Are you looking for the equivalent of Facebook likes on WhatsApp because I don't do that either. How many posts are there a day. If there are too many maybe she just sees the latest one (from BIL) rather than bothering to scroll back through loads? Just carry on using the group how you want to and let her use it how she wants to.

I would find it odd if a SIL of mine created a group chat for my relatives. We’re not a family for much chit chat and I would find it awkward and annoying. If I was going through a divorce I would not want to be plonked into a group chat with my SIL playing happy families. That being said I would just mute the chat and not have all this only replying to certain people thing. It is a bit rude but tbh she’s probably just not interested in being your friend. Just let the chat die and carry on with your life. Don’t passive aggressively ‘check if she’s getting your messages’ in the chat like some are suggesting, you’ll only un-endear yourself to her more. Just leave her alone.

Why didn't your husband step up and help given the two of you are supposed to be a partnership and you had made a commitment?

Your dh thinks his sister is a bitch for not responding to the WhatsApp chats but he barely engages too. Seems hypocritical to me - women have to conform to a certain way while men get to do what they like.

This, especially your view think I finally want SIL to acknowledge me, almost like a cheating boyfriend to finally realise he’s a piece of crap liar and genuinely say sorry (but he never does).
You're likening your husbands sister not giving you the attention you want to someone being cheated on?!
HUGELY, bizarrely over involved!
Can't you see that they are siblings and want to Message each other?

@DoreenonTill8 lol fair enough

Thank you @WakingUpInBlood your reply has definitely got me thinking

It's cringe worthy honestly it's pretty common we take it for granted when somebody cares about us and chase the approval of those who don't give a fuck about us.

It’s called fawning OP, part of the people pleaser syndrome. Next time you feel that urge, purposefully tell yourself not to do it as the result will be exactly the same.

Yikes I'd missed that cheating boyfriend comparison. That's a bonkers comparison. She didn't choose to be related to you and doesn't have to like you. She's keeping things minimal and you're giving this way too much headspace. Dial down the 'bitch' characterisation and leave the woman alone.

@pinkdelight

Okay I get it. I didn’t call her a bitch, that was DH. I actually like her which is what makes me keep trying.

but yes it’s unhealthy and I realise this which is why I made a comparison to a cheating boyfriend. It does feel like that

My SIL is a twat! I have no stopped even giving her eye contact and I literally say nothing to her at any point.

It is much better all round now.

And I mean the feelings feel similar, ie chasing someone not interested

Not the exact circumstances. I do not fancy her or see her as a boyf and I know she’s not cheating on me, just to clarify! I’m not completely bonkers! 😅🤣

@Sdpbody whats really odd is she’s really nice in person, just so weird on messages…

A family group chat sounds horrendous 🤣 so much scope for passive aggressiveness and misunderstanding