SIL ignores messages on group chat

[21andcountingtoday]

We have a family group chat and SIL always ignores my messages. I will send pics of family outings and she’ll literally reply to BIL’s messages after mine but completely ignore mine.

I’m baffled as to why she’s doing this. We couldn’t look after her pets a few years ago due to family illness and I wonder if she’s still upset about this? Or….whether she doesn’t want to see my pictures as I’ve got three kids and she desperately wanted another one but couldn’t have one? I do truly understand how difficult secondary infertility is having gone through it myself…

Or MIL and I don’t get on, so are they conspiring together?

I just find it really sad. I set up the group in the first place to unite us. She posts on it all the time with family pics and I always reply really positively so what the hell is her problem?

I want to communicate with BIL for the sake of my kids so that my kids have a connection with their cousins. DH is resigned to the fact that SIL is a bitch. He can’t work her out and just thinks she doesn’t like either of us…DH has done nothing to upset SIL. He has literally bent over backwards to be kind to her over the years.

Its upsetting me, and I find it incredibly rude to completely bypass my messages but then reply in depth to BIL’s message received a few hours later….

I think it’d be strange to cut communication on the group chat and start a new one with just BIL, but since this is the only channel we’ve got should I continue to use it or just never post? DH is terrible at sending pics etc and I feel like if I didn’t we just wouldn’t keep in touch at all. Set up this channel for the sake of my kids but they aren’t actually getting anything out of this so don’t know why I’m bothering.

I guess the other reason I set up the group is I’m an only child so thought it’d be a way of me getting a bigger family connection, I guess that was a bit desperate and odd…also I genuinely feel more connection with the school mums I make polite chat with than I do my SIL and I’ve been married to DH for 15 years now!

I love this response

Also @21andcountingtoday , not trying to be a bitch, but
I do truly understand how difficult secondary infertility is having gone through it myself…
Someone with 3 children DEFINITELY doesn't understand this. They just don't

If she is divorced, she does’t want to be force-fed all your “happy family” photos… obvs.
Just leave her alone. Your husband can send occasional photos to his own family, I’d just forget about her tbh and save your own mental health (and hers).
She probably never wanted to be added to your group chat to see all the Brady bunch activities (that could be how it feels to her if the divorce was painful…)?

I personally find all group chats very annoying as life is busy enough without feeling obliged to respond to social media.

Are you asking her direct questions that she’s ignoring? Or is she just not commenting on the photos you post?

I would stop reacting to her posts unless it's something directly addressed to you and if you need to communicate with BIL do so directly. I wouldn't set up a separate group because that may cause more issues when she finds out and put BIL in the middle.

Forget about trying to please her and let her be.

I find this whole thing quite odd. Surely DH's family is his responsibility to manage. Your DH thinks his sister is a "bitch" but maybe she just doesn't see why she should put in any effort with his family when he doesn't bother with hers or anyone else's either.

I sort of get your intention behind the WhatsApp group in that I'm an only child so my DS doesn't have any kid relatives either. DH is one of 5 (!) so I was hoping we'd have one big great family but his siblings, while lovely and polite, are just not like that. DH is the only one with a child, they all have zero interest in kids (possibly because they didn't love growing up in such a chaotic household) and their relationship is not super close. Everyone meets up for their mum's bday and Christmas and occasionally a beer here and there but nothing else.

You can't change people. If she doesn't like you, she doesn't like you. Archive the chat and move on.

OP, I couldn’t help but think how lovely of a person you sound. I find your SIL’s behaviour offensive.

I think I would just let the group chat dissolve on its own. If BIL posts, I would reply but not put up updates on your end and not respond to any more of SIL’s updates. In time, it’ll probably be more time between posts and then you can quietly exit. Maybe your DH could have a quiet word with BIL at some stage.

I was cleaning the house (do my best thinking then), and thinking about this post again (because some of the things reminded me of my SIL).

I think your SIL is smug in her position. She has two brothers she isn’t willing to share. You’re married to one of them but she’s not going to make it easy for you and make sure you know you are the intruder. Very common and ugly behaviour. I still stand by not to give her the time of day.

She doesn’t want to be your friend for whatever reason - it’s probably not important. I would just put the thumbs up reaction on the occasional photo she sends and ignore her messages unless they’re directly to you.

if you’re in a group chat though where MIL and SIL dont get on with you, I’d maybe tone down the communication. People who are interested will ask outwith this chat.

The pets were mentioned, but what was the actual situation, was it a case of them having to cancel an expensive family holiday last minute because you couldn't look after them?

I agree. We have a family WhatsApp that I sometimes put pictures of DDs on. I honestly couldn't tell you who always replies, and I couldn't say who replies to other people's messages.

Thank you @SomeoneLeftTheDoorOpen I think you’re right, irony is she posts about making BIL girlfriend feel welcome and asks what she likes etc. yet I’ve been married to DH for 15 years and she completely ignores me! It does make sense that she’s trying to make it clear to me Im the intruder with this behaviour.

@RockyRogue1001 We had one child together, then seven years of secondary infertility before we finally got our twins so I do understand what it feels like, though I’m obviously in a very fortunate position now on the other side of it. It’s a very hard journey and I empathise with anyone going through it.

@InTheTrenches88 that’s it, I was hoping for big family gatherings and to extend my own very small family but that just isn’t going to happen

@Timeforaglassofwine they didn’t have to cancel but they had to find someone last minute, she never replied to my messages though so I don’t know what happened really or who they found. It was a really difficult situation where I had put myself out to look after her cat but then my dad fell seriously ill and ofcourse I had to help him. She didn’t make any attempt to understand this whatsoever.

My sil made a family group WhatsApp. I have it muted and archived.

It was just a means for her to brag about how much better she was at everything in life. If we were going to the beach she would have to be at a better beach, bowling well obviously she was going to win. Here’s her child, And another of her child. Then the tagging on Facebook and the separate private messages 🙄

She’s dh’s problem it’s his sister. I never responded to anything in the chat ever, before I archived it I’d open it to clear the notifications but that was all.

I think Im going to scale back completely. All your replies have really helped me. Thank you. I’m just thinking if MIL was to die tomorrow they’d be no reason to keep contact with SIL at all, we will probably lose contact altogether and that’s okay.

DH would probably occasionally talk to his brother so nothing would really change. All the effort and time Im putting into maintaining a relationship with someone who clearly doesn’t want to know is for nothing really…probably best just to die it down now.

Maybe she's simply loyal to her mother who you don't get along with it really can be that simple.

Just stop engaging in the chat. Do you actually want a relationship with her or are you just offended?

I have a SIL like this. Doesn’t react to anything, will never comment on anything. Only time she reacted to anything was when I said we have the rooms booked for the wedding and she thumbs up reacted to it….and then a few days before the wedding they weren’t taking a room and we shouldn’t have assumed that they were. I ended up leaving the groupchat after they all went out without me being invited and I feel so much happier

@Edenmum2 I think what happens is I stop using it for ages then SIL and BIL have really active communication about holidays etc so I send pics of our holidays to try to get involved and because I think since I’m replying to all her messages she’s bound to reply to mine but then I’m met with radio silence. So it’s kind of like I forget that she never responds and I get carried away and try to get involved. This happens about every six months when I’ve forgotten just how crap she is. I then delete all the messages and archive the chat. So I don’t remember the exact chain of events when it happens again a year down the line 😂

Stop immediately it actually sounds desperate and embarrassing. She doesn't like you op and that's absolutely fine it really is.

It sounds like you’re overly invested in a WhatsApp group. I think it’s a bit odd and advise muting the chat for 4 weeks, don’t post anything and see if anyone contacts you. If not then let the chat group go and arrange to see them in real life if you want. Personally, I don’t want to be forced to look at photos etc of other people’s kids. 1 per year is ample.

Sounds like sil and bil use it as their own private chatting ground and then she feels you intrude/brag about your holiday when you weren’t in the conversation. Clearly forgetting that they are having it in a group chat 🤣

@Hatethisheadofmine

Im sorry you’re in a similar situation. That doesn’t nice.

Yes I wish I could leave completely. I still am tempted to look at it when it’s archived. I think it would be better if I could never see the messages again.

Do you have a full life off whatsapp I would focus on that, leave her alone and focus on yourself