I don't care what issues your kid has you still need to parent them

[Differentstarts]

I'm fuming just had a massive argument with my now ex friend because she won't parent her kid. I don't care if your kid is ND, NT or identifies as a tablecloth you still need to parent them. I was at my friends this afternoon with my kids 7 and 4 and her kids 9 and 5. Our eldest kids where sat together nicely watching a film and youngest 2 where playing. Her 5 year old suddenly decides she wants to watch telly and picks the remote control up and changes the channel. My friends response was to the eldest 2 just let her otherwise she will kick off you can watch the rest later. Her eldest just accepted this he's clearly use to it. However I'm not accepting that so I took the remote and put the film back on so with that screaming and tears
Her eldest was agreeing with his mum and saying it's OK I don't mind Which was also annoying me. Then my friend started having a go at me how iv upset her daughter and how the kids didn't even mind watching it later. I struggle with anger issues so at this point I'm losing my shit at her (I know I shouldn't have) and I got my kids and left. I'm still fuming. I know I should of just left straight away but come on what is wrong with people

Yabu. If the eldest 2 where happy to watch it later you should of gone along with it
Yanbu she needs to discipline her daughter

You were totally unreasonable.

OK you might not agree with her parenting decision but you caused a horrible scene that would have been upsetting for all the children. The way your friend had handled it might not have been ideal but everyone would have carried on having a nice day. You would have left all the children - including the eldest two ton thought you were protecting - upset and confused as to whether they were to blame.

I also don’t see why your “anger issues” trump how everyone else feels.

Because no one is allowed to say their true feelings on mumsnet about bratty kids and gentle parenting but they can vote because it anonymous

I haven't once said that

But you don't think the comments are anonymous? OK.

They won't get a load of shit from all the gentle parents on here like the commenters do

You just keep on chatting shit if it makes you happy

The comorbidity rate is high. 40% of people with BPD also have NPD. The ones who don't often have some narcissistic traits (being self centered is a quite common one) but not at the level that qualifies as NPD. Trait narcissism is fairly high in the general population as well, btw.
The symptoms of BPD come mostly from fear of abandonment, an unstable self image and emotional disregulation. The narcissistic traits, perversely, are often a misguided attempt to raise their self esteem.
They usually do not exhibit the lack of empathy seen in NPD if they don't have it as a comorbidity. They can certainly be good people, but there's no denying they are difficult to deal with.

It actually is common.
The person with NPD gets off on the fact the he/she can affect the person with BPD's emotions so strongly.

You don’t need to be a “gentle parent” to think the parenting crime of so totally losing control of your behaviour in front of your children that you shout, swear and threaten someone in front of them, and histrionically refuse ever to talk to that person again unless they come round to your house with a grovelling apology for being a bad parent, dwarfs the crime of letting a 5-year old behave badly over a television programme. I can certainly see why you would be annoyed by your ex-friend’s response to her 5-year old’s behaviour, particularly if this is not the first time you have witnessed it, but all your reaction did was prove to her that you are not a fit person to give parenting advice, or to be anywhere near her children.

So the majority 60% dont

I'm very happy thanks, are you?

I don’t believe you. You don’t sound at all happy.

Yeah great thanks

Correct. But they often have some of the traits, like I said.
My comments about BPD were not insults towards people with BPD, btw. It was by way of explaining why you reacted as you did and are continuing to not admit your behavior was wrong. I get why that is. That doesn't mean your behavior is immune from criticism though. I wish only the best for you.

So you'll take '42% agree with me' when you think your point is supported (it really isn't!), but when someone else quotes a different 40% statistic that potentially paints you in a bad light OP, all of a sudden you're happy to accept that 60% is the more accurate representation! You're so inconsistent and it shows how you absolutely cannot see anything other than through a filter of pure entitlement.

I'm ND and I agree with you entirely. Being ND is not an excuse for a child to get their own way, and she should have been firm and told the child no.

So you think op losing her shit, shouting, swearing and making threats in front of all four kids was an appropriate way to express that?

My best friends son is ND and fuck me is he a displeasure to be around the majority of the time.

Like your friend, she allows him to get his own way constantly to save herself the headache, as he will typically cry and scream until he wears her down. The wailing is incessant, drones on and on and on.

Unfortunately she has made a rod for her own back, as he knows if he keeps throwing a tantrum, eventually she will give in, it’s only a matter of time.

I agree with you that kids need to be parented and disciplined and taught that they can’t always have what they want, however I probably would have spoke up to say the kids were watching the movie and that she was being rude, but left it alone as it wasn’t in my home.

You need to accept that shouting, swearing and threatening anybody is unacceptable behaviour, and in front of children it is extremely damaging to their wellbeing. If the mother felt threatened by you and decided to call the police it would have been enough to get you arrested.

It is good you are getting help for BPD but the fact that you have anger outbursts over a minor annoyance should tell you that your focus should be on self regulating your emotion, not on what a 5 year old did.

Some people like me didn't vote because we have both yabu and yanbu for your OP. I can't vote just one. As I said in my first post, YANBU for thinking parents need to not raise spoilt kids - ND or not.
YABU for your overreaction to the incident and tantrum based on your anger issues which mirrors the little girl you're complaining about.

I suspect a lot think the same and that's what most of the comments reflect.

So it's really not a case of who agrees with you vs who doesn't because I believe most people both agree and disagree with you, like I do. Posters have said so many times on here too.

It's much more likely that they didn't read your updates before voting, that you likely shouted,swore at and threatened her DC. Or atleast their Mum infront of them, you can't remember which and you can't remember what you said. I don't think many people will think your parenting is OK, whether you label them gentle parents or not. What would you define as non gentle parenting, shouting, swearing, threats.. violence? The majority of parents do not think that is OK.

@Whatifitallgoesright the OP has said she shouted, swore and threatened her friend. That's why people think she's Unreasonable. I'm surprised it's only 58% of people who think she is.

Lots of people vote based on the thread title and perhaps a skim read of the post.

You've likely had many YANBU votes based on 'I don't care what issues your kid has you still need to parent them' which is of course a sensible statement.

If your thread title had been 'I shouted and swore at my friend in front of our kids in her home because I don't like how she parents' then you would have had a much higher (overwhelmingly, probably almost unanimous) percentage of YABU.

Because it was awful behaviour on your part, and you don't seem to acknowledge how damaging it is for kids to see their parent behaving like that. How stressful it is to be around that volatility and knee-jerk tendency as a child.

Can you see how your behaviour will negatively affect them? What are you doing to tackle that?

I didn't shout, swear or threaten her child