Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

[upoutandin87]

Currently on holiday with my family and another family (old friends) they have 2 older children same age as my kids and they also now have a 6 yr old. We have holidayed with them before but not since the youngest was born. Youngest is ND (autism and suspected ADHD). My son is 15 and autistic so I know about ASD but there DD seems out of control and we can't cope with it. She swears spits hits and throws furniture if she doesn't get her own way - there is no routine and she basically gets what she wants - she slapped my DD earlier today and called her a f b because she didn't want to go in the pool with her - my friends answer to this was you cannot say no to her - if you don't do what she wants she kicks off so we have to let her do what she wants. My friends DH and 2 older kids can't cope with her so they go to the beach and take my 15 yr old with them - I prefer being by the pool so I stay with them and my DD 17. We honestly don't know what to do as our holiday is being ruined by a 7 yr old. She threw my bag in the pool yesterday and I was fuming. We are trying to do stuff without them but they seem to be constantly appearing - they never raise their voice at their DD or tell her to stop as negative language makes her worse. Last night their 15 yr old told my son that she has been permanently excluded from her primary school and she currently has no school place from September - I was aware she has had several exclusions for violence but only short term exclusions but her parents have not mentioned to us about the exclusion. My DH wants us to cut all ties with them until they start parenting their child properly. We are only 3 days in to a 10 day holiday and are tempted to fly home to get away from them. I feel so bad as I am an SEN parent myself but they won't take any advice from us about maybe having a routine and setting boundaries. I so feel for them as they are completely broken by her behaviour but I don't actually know what I can do to help.

My dd has,ASD and pda traits,( they won't diagnose pda in my county).

I have to agree in that my dd will be a woman one day with asd and pda and she needs to know now before she grows up that once she hits a certain age and hits people she will be off to prison. Giving in to everything will do no favours in the long run. My dd needs lots of spelling very clearly that if you do X then you get Y. She's,also been suspended. We had to be totally Frank and say if she carries on it's expulsion. It's been hideous at times.

I would try to avoid them honestly.

I have a child with a similar ASD/PDA profile (but big difference - problematic behaviour only directed at me and DH, hardly ever at others and "fine at school").

There's a great Polish proverb: "not my circus; not my monkeys."

This is not your problem to fix. Do what you have to, to not be in charge of/around this child for the rest of the trip. Try to avoid judgment.

However, your friend should have disclosed to you what the worst case scenario could be and checked you were still OK to go ahead. Although it sounds like you're not really that close if you had no idea.

From my personal experience and research I've participated in, this is a problematic age with these kind of issues. Old enough to want some independence but with the emotional regulation of a toddler.

Age often helps a lot. But again that's not the OP's issue. Damage limitation is the only option this week.

Your DH's suggestion of having nothing to do with them until they become a fully functional family is horrible.

^

Why? Why is it horrible?

I cannot believe the amount of comments excusing this child's behavior - it has totally ruined a holiday for another family!

And the parents don't seem to care.

I'm clearly an awful person. If my friends were fucking off to the beach and leaving me to manage their child's behaviour, I would be managing it my way.

Any signs of bad behaviour, tantrums for me saying no, they would be sitting on the side next to me until it stopped. If they carry on we would head back to the room and stay there until I felt ready to return. If I'm having a shit day because of their behaviour, then they can to.

I would hazard a guess that they would want to spend the next few days with their parents.

PDA is a nightmare to manage, but it can be managed. Lots of choices, give them a perception of control, and compromise where needed, but you still need to assert boundaries.
Visual cues on timings, agree a time to do what they want, set an alarm and stick to your word. Lots of praise when they show positive behaviour and bribery where needed.

They are raising a monster. And they don't care.

I would not be shy about telling them they have to go (or you do) as this holiday is being ruined by their utter failure to say no and parent their child.

Their idea of an 'easy life' is actually going to be a nightmare for them, especially if she has lost her school place over her behaviour, and her behaviour will only get worse without actual parenting and interventions, support and cracking down on her behaviour. Someday she is going to be even bigger and stronger, possibly stronger than her parents, and someone is going to get hurt. And their other children will flee the home as soon as they can if nothing is done.

I wouldn't be putting up with any of this on my long looked forward to holiday.

You need to be honest 1 to 1 with the mum.

We love you, we love your family, we know you have a lot going on right now but hadn't appreciated just how much. However, DD and the rest of our family cannot bend to fit your daughters routine therefore I think its best that we do seperate day trips and the adults can meet up in the evening.

The thing is, her view of a reasonable adjustment might work for her daughter, but it doesn't work for yours and its OK, necessary even, to support your daughter and ensure her safety and boundaries are respected.

As an example, in your shoes, id have said that DD has said she does not want to go in the pool and that's the end of it. Make it about you parenting your daughter rather than her parenting hers if you want to avoid confrontation.

I agree @PrincessPeache

My two boys have ASD and it’s really hard sometimes but there is no way I would tolerate that behaviour.

They need to try proper strategies to improve things and seek all of the support they can get.

I don't know why you are even giving them so much grace after she slapped your dd. That would have been the perfect opportunity to immediately let them know to keep their distance.
How dare they not tell you how extremely out of control their child is. I would be furious really

I would be heartbroken if my friend did this to me.
Sincerely, mum of an autistic PDA child

Perhaps your friend would be heartbroken that their children's annual holiday was ruined?

Strategy so far: give her everything she wants and never tell her when she's out if line. Do you really believe anyone would recommand this?

But it's ok to talk about locking the child up or attacking her🤔
My child is severely autistic and has very challenging behaviour

I think it's very wrong for the parents not to tell the op about the child's behaviour before the holiday and I would never inflict my child's behaviour on another family
But some of these comments are disgusting, this is a six year old disabled child.

Get mad OP because this says it all

My friends DH and 2 older kids can't cope with her

Which means the adults knew it would be stressful and hoped to spread the load a bit, hoping your DD would entertain her and they would get some rest. They have not been upfront deliberately

I fully under that they are “broken” by her.
I’m on holiday with 5 year old who has, yet again, ruined the entire evening meal for all of us with another horrendous screaming tantrum. I’m broken. I’m done. It’s unbearable 😪😪😪

Yep- it's not bloody working is it? she's just been expelled from school.

Saying yes to everything is NOT working. If it was, she wouldnt be in this situation now with school and the holiday. People keep saying ah well maybe thats the only thing that works.....but it's clearly not working so I dont know why people keep suggesting it

It sounds like the parents may be overwhelmed and are dealing with it by just letting her away with everything, but I don't get how not telling her off is helping her in any way. It's just making her think there are no boundaries or rules. ND or not, she shouldn't be allowed to be so nasty with no consequences. Could you just distance yourself and stay away from them?

Not just disabled, but completely out of control

I honestly understand - my younger boy is 6 and is like a baby rhinoceros crossed with a wrecking ball.

We don’t go out to eat except for The Harvester for breakfast because it’s the only place we are guaranteed peace.

The parents say yes to everything.

I doubt the school does?
OP's DD didn't.

I don't think your point holds.

You are likely witnessing the child at her worst. The lack of parenting in general is one factor. Then add in the change in environment and all the extra people and it is stressful for a child with ASD.

as an ASD parent you know we sometimes cut our children a bit of extra slack on holiday because of the stress involved. Not letting them run wild, just being understanding about what is going on and not fighting every battle. My own child eats a lot of strange meals on holiday, but at least she eats is my mantra.

so you aren’t getting a perfect picture of your friends parenting. That doesn’t change the fact that this is a stressful situation for everyone.

I would look for somewhere else to stay. You could still meet up for some activities if you want, but with more space there would be less of a powder keg situation. Everyone, including the ASD child will probably calm down a bit.

100%

Not a single practitioner - SALT / OT / Paediatrician etc would ever recommend just giving a child anything they want.

I agree.

I have 2 older children - late teens- who are just great kids, always have been. I suppose that's down to good parenting. Then we had our younger child (ASD - PDA profile-ADHD & Uncontrolled epilepsy) & our whole lives changed.

Like a PP has said, it sounds like they haven't worked out yet how to meet the very complex needs of their child. It's a long, tough road where you feel like you're going insane as every parenting tactic you've ever developed doesn't work.

DC3 is now 12 & we're still learning how he responds to the world. I grieve for the life we should have, but it is what it is.

They should NEVER have gone on a holiday a) abroad b) with other people. They may just be desperate for a break, but that shouldn't mean they go somewhere their child is dysregulated, & others are so negatively affected.

Speak to them gently & say you're changing accomodation & why. Sympathise (because their life is hard with a child with PDA, I can assure you ), but you can't let it ruin your holiday.

Because the child has no boundaries or consistency.

My son started spitting (urgh). The school and I discussed how to try to limit it, put things into practice consistently and it got sorted fast.

If I was leaving him to spit and school tried to stop it of course it would end up a mess.

This child is being let down by her parents.