Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

[jiarA]

And yes it is mainly women.

My ex does next to no parenting. I do 95% of it because he is ‘busy with work.’ Many women actually would criticise me for this and say I should TELL him to step up. I have… newsflash, he won’t.

He pays CMS which is 12 percent of his salary. Despite being a reasonable amount as he earns well, this doesn’t touch the sides of 50% of the actual costs due to nursery. He gets away with this while I meet the shortfall…and do all drops offs and picks ups and 95% of personal care for our child.

The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Ex doesn’t need to be there if his child is unwell or needs to be picked up from nursery. But if I wasn’t there I would be considered neglectful.

My earning potential is hampered by the fact I am doing more than the lion’s share of care for our child while he does almost nothing. He will be applauded for his career and his standing in society while I am forced to fade out at least until our child is older.

There’s lots more.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

I know I sound bitter. I’m actually quite good fun usually - honest 😂 but all of this bollocks absolutely drains me. It feels unfair because it is!

Well said

You are so right OP. And no one cares really. Women are just accepted to sacrifice everything for their children and men not at all.

Good luck. I’m a single mum to 4 and people actually tell me I’m LUCKY that my ex isn’t involved and doesn’t want to see them! I’m literally told I’m lucky society is really fucked up.

What has amazed me most is the number of women who tell other women to just accept it.

YANBU and well said OP.

I saw a video on Instagram where women were discussing the narrative that women trap men with babies. And how actually men trap women when they create a baby and then walk away, contributing the bare minimum (if you’re lucky).

Completely agree

Absolutely, these feckless men should be made to provide for their child. If you were together he would be paying 50% of child's costs, should be no different when separated. Of course some relationships don't work out, but if a man chooses to make a child he chooses to be responsible for that child, and 12% of his salary is so low. The amount should relate to the costs of raising a child rather than just his income.

On the flip, everyone congratulates me for having an ex who shares care of our kids 50/50. So if you do have it, you have to be ever so grateful and how 'good' he is for 'stepping up' and parenting the children he created. I, on the other hand, have no one queuing up to tell me how good I am. In fact, I sometimes get judged for 'only' having my kids half the time. The place has gone mad.

@Bushmillsbabe exactly!

That’s another point… if I don’t have the money I better beg borrow or steal … or leave my child neglected. But him? Oh if he’s not got the money he just needn’t pay.

Some countries force them to take a loan to meet the payments to the resident parent. The UK really does shit on women.

@Duckduckgoose24 i haven’t had experience of that but I can completely and totally imagine that happens! You are expected to do it, he’s a hero for doing what other men don’t.

Completely agree Op, it’s absolutely shameful the amount of men who do this.

Eta: and the funny thing is single dads are treated like absolute heroic angels in comparison and have so many women pitching in to help them out and society as a whole basically applauding them.

Its an outrage. At the gentler end, they need public shaming. Less gentle, hunt them down one by one and seize every thing they own and put a charge on their wages forever.

I am only too happy to pay tax for quality facilities and support for children and their hard working parents. But not to compensate for lazy greedy men.

Exactly, it should be 'you need to pay X amount each month' rather than a percentage. It's not like you can tell your landlord, or Tesco "I didn't earn as much this month so I'm going to pay you less rent/less for same shopping'. If he can't pay it, he gets a better paying job/ a second job

This needs talking about, in order to hopefully change laws and enforce financial payment by these men to help raise the children they created.

However if you are talking about care, then you can't ever forcibly make a father take on the care and responsibility of a child. That's just not going to change in that some men just won't do it and will much prefer to leave their children in situations which are harmful to their wellbeing, rather than put themselves out. I'm not saying they will be necessarily abusive, although there will be some who will, but I can imagine many children would simply be ignored, for days at a time, as if they weren't there.

We need to admit that there is a proportion of men who are fine with children as long as they part are of the package of a relationship with the mother, otherwise they can't be bothered. It's why men who change romantic partner often pay more attention to the children of the new companion, rather than their own.

My best mate's dh left her a while ago - he jas their child twice a week, once for a sleepober and eberyone thinks he is SUCH a good dad - that is the bare minimum he should be doing ffs . You are so right op.

Men should be responsible for half of nursery fees.

How many women are demonised for having a night out/going on holiday/buying new clothes when the ex does pay CMS. The Ex always seems to think that their CMS money paid for it…like it would cover all that and their kid!

Here here, totally agree. Makes me so angry. My friend receives £20 a month maintenance as her ex is on sickness benefit. But why on Earth isn't there something else in place. Benefits go towards care for his other children so why not hers. It's ridiculous. Even when he was working he would only hand her £20 a week when he felt like it!

Yes, I'm always amazed by this on here. The idea that women ought to be grateful for crumbs.

Yep and I'm sure it would be sorted in a flash if it was a man problem.

I think you'd have to be mad to read what you've written and decide you were being unreasonable

Honestly true my ex has been shorting his child support by around £80 a month it's going back to enforcement by child maintenance he will quit his job again I know he will and his wife will support him so the children lose out again he has pissed around for ten years and fully intends to continue it for the next 7

Last year’s Nobel Prize for Economics went to a woman who essentially made the same point about childcare so… you are not being unreasonable!
www.nobelprize.org/prizes/economic-sciences/2023/press-release/

Absent fathers need to be held to account, you can't force someone to be an involved parent but you can make them financially support a child, it happens in other countries. I have no skin in this game my own dad was and is very present and DH (DS's father) and I are together. It's just basic decency to me

They even jail them in the USA. The U.K. system is pathetic