Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

[jiarA]

And yes it is mainly women.

My ex does next to no parenting. I do 95% of it because he is ‘busy with work.’ Many women actually would criticise me for this and say I should TELL him to step up. I have… newsflash, he won’t.

He pays CMS which is 12 percent of his salary. Despite being a reasonable amount as he earns well, this doesn’t touch the sides of 50% of the actual costs due to nursery. He gets away with this while I meet the shortfall…and do all drops offs and picks ups and 95% of personal care for our child.

The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Ex doesn’t need to be there if his child is unwell or needs to be picked up from nursery. But if I wasn’t there I would be considered neglectful.

My earning potential is hampered by the fact I am doing more than the lion’s share of care for our child while he does almost nothing. He will be applauded for his career and his standing in society while I am forced to fade out at least until our child is older.

There’s lots more.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

I know I sound bitter. I’m actually quite good fun usually - honest 😂 but all of this bollocks absolutely drains me. It feels unfair because it is!

I think this is correct.

A lot of men agree to have a child because they think it will provide them with convenient sex, a free housekeeper/cook for life, and because it proves their virility. Beyond that, most of them really aren't fussed.

Yanbu OP. I know someone who gets paid £2.50 a week by her ex and it’s a complete joke. Oh and he moved 90 miles away and is too busy to pick up the kids so she has to take them there when it’s his weekend 🙄

Unfortunately it’s ingrained in society that as women, we are the natural carers given that we grew and gave birth to the children. Anything that deviates from this is seen as bad, god forbid you might want to have a career. Mens role is seen as the opposite, so obviously when they care for the kids it’s wonderful and amazing.

Im very lucky in that I have a great husband, but he has a job that takes him away a lot and is of course it was viewed by family members that I would have to go part time and sacrifice my career once we had children. It was never, ever mentioned that he should step up, it was just expected of me (not by him I might add!!). Society allows these shitty dads just to get away with not paying or caring for their kids because there are these deeply entrenched misogynist views about the different gender roles. Single mums you have my respect, you are doing a brilliant job.

If anybody wants to lobby or campaign on this, loop me in.

This is so true.

Yes, but its mostly male centric channels on youtube etc which worry about birth rate, usually with lots of pictures of skulls and scary looking graphs. Or male online spaces which meme constantly about eggboxes etc. Also mostly male legislatures in places like America etc which want to restrict women's access to birth control and abortions. And male journalists and politicians (JD Vance) who are very keen to blame childless women for the ills of the world. I know Vance is a bit of an outlier and I would not want to judge all men by him (imagine) but part of the reason he uses the rhetoric he uses is to appeal to a certain demographic of very online men.

In "real life", there are women who don't want children, and you would think there would be huge competition for these women from men who don't want children. But I don't think its a huge attraction for men usually (even if it isn't a turn of).

It has became narrative because of the centuries long society's norm.

Discussing whether men just want sex and not children is missing the point.

Other countries hold men to account far better when a relationship ends, musing as to what motivates a man in a relationship is totally irrelevant.

I totally agree. We need to change this - no idea where to start though.

Mine was employed and paying maintenance through CMS. He barely sees the children (his choice).

Out of the blue, I got a letter from CMS saying my maintenance was being cut to £2 a week. Apparently he'd left his job and is now self employed in the gig economy. His declared annual earnings are about the same as a months salary at his old job, so my maintenance was immediately cut to £2 a week.

I did challenge this as I can't believe someone is working full time and earning so little. It's much less than he would get on unemployment benefit. I was told it's his choice and I have to wait until Jan 26 when he does his 24-25 tax return to see if he did earn more than he declared.

Bit of a kick in the teeth to suddenly lose that income without warning, especially given how prices have risen lately.

I do agree with you but just to offer another viewpoint - as a child I was brought up by my dad, after my mum moved to another country, leaving me and my sister in his care. She payed no maintenance AT ALL, just left him to it apart from sometimes having us in the holidays. Even then I think he payed for our flights (although to be fair I'm not 100% sure on that bit - she may have contributed). So it's not all men.

The bar for being a 'great dad' is still incredibly low!

Bring back bastardy bonds! They're "trad"

Out of interest- how did he manage to work full time as well as care for you both?

He hired an after school nanny for a few hours a day. If we were ill he had to take time off. He was self employed so he could choose his hours to a certain extent.

Spot on OP. Mine left his job rather than pay CMS as well (this is after he'd tried to sue the CMS for daring to ask him for money 🤦‍♀️). YADNBU.

I never received a single penny in child support from my dead beat exH. He was abusive and this was his way of continuing the abuse and control.

There are NO SANCTIONS for absent fathers who refuse to contribute.

It should be made a criminal offence with serious repercussions.

I am looking toward an impoverished retirement after raising my kids with no assistance at all, while he is rolling in it with multiple properties.

He walked away with zero consequences.

My exhusband had a fabulous technique for picking up women after our divorce. He really was an absolute arsehole. They were 3 and 2 when he left. He used to have them on a Saturday, once a fortnight . Pick up at 9.30 drop off 5.30. Oo lucky me. He used to take them to the supermarket and put them in a double trolley. He had trained them to say smile and say hello to women on cue. Then he'd chat the woman up and explain casually that he was a widower and coping all alone. They'd be all over him like a rash and numbers would be exchanged. He'd meet them during the following week when the children were back with me. He told the woman his mum was very kindly babysitting to allow him a small break ( and hopefully a sympathy shag). They'd go out for dinner ( he referred to it as 'an investment meal') Then they'd go back to her place for sex. Apparently couldn't go back to his because his mother was babysitting (obviously she wasn't and it would have been obvious that no child lived in that place if he'd taken them back there). He'd see them a few more times if he liked them and then dump them ' because he had to put his children first and simply couldn't have a relationship'. He thought it was absolutely hilarious and was very proud of his technique. He was having an affair with a 17 year old work colleague during our marriage and this continued after he left. He told her he couldn't see her when he had the children ( would have cramped his style).

Plenty of single mums I know, me included, work full time. It's not all that remarkable..you use childcare and accept that you can't do unplanned overtime or out of hours meetings etc. @Squidgysquiffle what your saying isn't really a "different perspective". We all know it "not all men" but over 90% of single parents are women so I don't really think it adds much to this discussion ..if we're talking about change and campaigns, they would be framed as obligations of an NRP, regardless of sex.

A friend took her daughter on holiday a few months ago. Big holiday, all inclusive for 10 days, largely paid for by new partner, overtime and Christmas money. Their usual holiday is a week in a caravan in the UK once a year.
Her ex refused to pay her maintenance that month and tried to get child benefit payments sent to him instead because clearly she wasn't spending 'his' money in the daughter's Best interests. He of course regularly goes on exotic, expensive foreign holidays. Obviously without the daughter.

My exhusband turned up on a Wednesday tea time to take the children out for tea. They were 3 and 2. He had totally ignored the potty training of the 3 year old ( whilst we were married) and looked at me in absolute horror when I handed him a potty in a bag for the 2 year old. " What the hell am I supposed to do with that!!!!". Youngest son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 14. Exhusband said " Oh well he should probably not visit until he's able to manage that on his own". Ffs

I’m also here for the campaign. IMO there should be a rough and ready calculation of how much kids cost at different ages and the absent parent must be forced to cover half of it. Like a PP said this affordability crap is just …crap. No one says to the resident parent (usually mum) oh don’t worry love you don’t need to bother getting the kids school shoes this year since things are a bit tight, just let them walk around in their socks.

@jiarA I’m not a single parent but I agree with you 💯. I can’t believe how they can get away with it , it’s so wrong on many levels.
For what it’s worth I don’t think people can that easily dismiss what they’ve done , it’s so, so obvious if they have kids when they are doing the minimum. It’s very shameful and shows something seriously wrong with that human, to walk away from their children and leave all the work and financial responsibility on the mother, it’s actually a total disgrace.

@jiarA couldn't agree more.

It is a joke, the system has not kept up with social norms. People get divorced/have kids and break up so there needs to be measures in place

It is awful what some men get away with. It needs to change. The only good thing is that as they grow up your child will know who was there for them, which parent they can trust and which parent would do anything for them.
My aunt's husband left her with two preschool age children, saw them for a year and that was it. When he was dying they went to see him once. When my aunt died a few years later they were with her round the clock.
My aunt was always so proud that she got a good job (husband paid nothing) and raised her daughter's well. My mum used to tell her she should be proud but it still doesn't make it right.
My aunt and uncle divorced in the 80s and yet the situation of men running out on their families and refusing to pay for their child is still happening. How depressing that woman are still expecting to accept their ex husbands being absolute shit fathers and having to do everything themselves.

@RhaenysRocks it may well not apply to you but there is a massive difference in a single parent who has zero , and I mean absolutely no family support (my friend’s family never once babysat or provided even a days childcare ) and a single parent who has family support. Their ability to work will then be totally reliant on paid childcare and absolutely no back up which could make working ft extremely difficult.