Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

[jiarA]

And yes it is mainly women.

My ex does next to no parenting. I do 95% of it because he is ‘busy with work.’ Many women actually would criticise me for this and say I should TELL him to step up. I have… newsflash, he won’t.

He pays CMS which is 12 percent of his salary. Despite being a reasonable amount as he earns well, this doesn’t touch the sides of 50% of the actual costs due to nursery. He gets away with this while I meet the shortfall…and do all drops offs and picks ups and 95% of personal care for our child.

The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Ex doesn’t need to be there if his child is unwell or needs to be picked up from nursery. But if I wasn’t there I would be considered neglectful.

My earning potential is hampered by the fact I am doing more than the lion’s share of care for our child while he does almost nothing. He will be applauded for his career and his standing in society while I am forced to fade out at least until our child is older.

There’s lots more.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

I know I sound bitter. I’m actually quite good fun usually - honest 😂 but all of this bollocks absolutely drains me. It feels unfair because it is!

Society don't seem to scrutinise the reasons behind why so many women end up being single mothers, the truth is the woeful men that aren't capable of being parents. So whilst we pick up all of the slack in raising and paying for our children we are also vilified and deemed to be inferior and flawed in some way. The absent fathers on the other hand remain blameless and we should be grateful if they see the children at all and even more grateful if they pay any maintenance even if it is a paltry amount. If women were the ones to walk out and live our best lives whilst paying nothing for our children there would be uproar and the CMS would be overhauled with immediate effect. Shame we still live in a man's world.

I don’t think men in society that leave their kids are celebrated!

This. I read a quote somewhere that was like ‘most men want children in the same way that most children want a pet dog. It’s cute and they can play with it when they feel like it but ultimately its day-to-day care will fall to someone else (in both cases, usually the woman in the family).’

I just wish the society ideals would change. Have you seen the sketch by Katherine Ryan about a single dad doing his kids ponytail and posting it online and how she said women were basically lining up to give bjs yet a mother doing that is like ugh another single mother 🙄😂

Gross example but hilariously true haha my ex if anything has more going for him as a single dad with two daughters 😂

I went on dating apps for a few weeks to just see what’s out there and never again. Seeing bios with sick emojis saying no single mums like I have the plague. Yet out of nowhere all his pics of him are with our girls like look at him such a dedicated father. When the reality is he seems them two Sundays a month with help from his parents.

It is unfair your career takes a hit, our bodies our time. An I don’t know about you but since becoming a single mother many people have started telling me how to parent. Just interjecting with loads of unsolicited advice all of a sudden.

I agree with @WildTwins. Absent father's aren't celebrated but they don't ever appear to be the focus of shame and disgust. Whomever mentioned the rotten Daily Mail mentality is right. I often read their articles and the comments section is appalling.

It feels as if single women are held solely responsible for their poor choices or for initiating divorce too willingly.

They certainly aren't shamed either. My ex husband has plenty of sympathy from people that think I'm the crazy ex and still manages to show his face in the pub most days of the week. No one has said he's a disgrace for spending more in the pub than he does on maintenance for his children and people feel sorry for him that he doesn't see them but what they don't know is that is his choice.

But people choose who they have children with and then choose to go on keep on having children with 'a waste of space' or however people want to word it

Maybe more effort should be put into who people decide to have children with?

If people opened their eyes more maybe then would be less complaints later on?

You can’t always know if someone will become a bad person or walk out on you one day no one has kids and goes this will be nice can’t wait to be a single mum. Life happens I think this post is more about how unfair it is that this affects men and women but single mothers get the short straw.

@Edingril I also agree with the fact that some ( and I insist it's some) make terrible choices on this one. There is absolutely a place for accountability. It isn't always this straightforward however. Things can change dramatically for some post children.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

That's a fantastic idea, @jiarA

I also think ALL men should have to pay an additional 1% or even 2% tax on their incomes - a tax to cover the costs of:

• male violence (2 women murdered by men every 3 days, on average, not to mention "everyday" and "domestic" male violence against women
• male sexual offences
• deadbeat dads like your ex.

Does he feel proud that he seems unable to support his own child properly? What sort of a man is that? Certainly not a "real" masculine man. And men like your ex seem to pride themselves on being "real men."

I think if a man says at the beginning I'm happy to have kids but if we split up then you're on your own and you still choose to have children then it's on you. I would guess that in most cases these things only became apparent after the children were born in which case I don't think it's fair to put the blame on the person that is actually stepping up and raising the children. I have no family support so my whole life is now at home with the children, I can't go out or have interests or hobbies and all I do is work from home and have my children. I'm fine with that as I wanted them and I love them and I will do my best by the and I'm happy my ex husband is out of our lives. I don't think I should be blamed for his failings as both a husband and a father.

you’ve heard about environmental factors in behavior, right?

women see shit male father figures and their mums doing all the graft and legwork. Female offspring don’t know what to look for in a male partner, female offspring repeats pattern unless she is very exceptional, clever, fortunate or surrounded by friends who don’t think like that. Rinse and repeat.

meanwhile the feckless men see what their fathers did and conclude, that’s alright for me, Jack.

intergenergenerational sex-based inequality. Sociology 101.

Oh, blame the victims why don't you?

Women are under huge social pressure to have children (eg look at the aspiring Vice President of the US slagging of "childless cat ladies"). But it's also entirely their fault if the men they have children with are incompetent & useless.

YABI @Edingril not the OP.

@YellowAsteroid you are right. I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole recently wherein there seems to be an explosion in these public figures pushing for a return to traditional values.

' Get married, stay at home, breed, no abortions, in fact make it illegal, stay married at all costs, divorce is only initiated by women because they're bored. '

It's scary.

It's interesting that there's very little directed at men along the lines of:
take responsibility

• make yourself an attractive proposition for marriage & fatherhood
• learn to cook
• do the housework
• do the emotional labour

'These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children?'

Yet you chose to have children with him!

So many posts about deadbeat husbands and fathers, but women won't address why they chose these men!

Dating for a long time and then marriage should give you some idea of the calibre of the man before having children.

@YellowAsteroid my YouTube algorithm might be so messed up now after watching too many videos ' Candace Owens is one that is continually popping up.

Anyway, I have not seen one video or one public figure talking in the way you just described. Instead, any man like this is referred to as a ' simp'.

3 hours a week contact (where he gets help from his parents)
No CMS - pays the mortgage instead. About £650pm.
CMS calc says he would pay £500pm. 84k over 14 years.
So for about 14 years he'll have 'overpaid' £150pm based on CMS calculations vs. mortgage. About £25k over.
When the youngest is 18 the house has to be sold, I have to pay him (based on last valuation) about 60k.
So he'll have technically only paid 24k CMS in 14 years.
Whereas if I'd accepted CMS, I wouldn't be expected to reimburse him in anyway, when youngest hits 18?
And I'm the psycho ex that has ruined his life and 'taken all his money'.
Had 5 foreign holidays since he left, (I haven't been able to afford 1, let alone 5) and never taken his kids.

Am I bitter? Of course!!!!
But me and the kids wouldn't change a thing.
I would, however, pay good money to see him named and shamed somehow, for the deadbeat he has become.

There are countries that demand non-resident parent to take a loan out if they're not meeting payments - which countries?
Always assumed UK was top of a very low deal for resident parents.

@SaintHonoria it's a little more complex than that. It is not always a case of women choosing poor males. The capacity for change or behaviour that was completely unpredictable is a real thing.

Even if we accept your point that women may in some instances make poor choices on this one, the original post still stands and is entirely valid.

This is really good and sad to see it all written down so honestly. Someone needs to summarise this and pop it on a public Facebook post so we can share (and tag those loser dads in!) to highlight the harsh reality but also to celebrate how much single female parents do and go through

Amen OP

I don't think child maintenance rates are unreasonably low. Child care costs are the anomaly though.

The solution is 50/50 shared care. That way there's no maintenance payments to disagree over, both parents have equal opportunity to work, and both parents pay their own childcare costs.

But the cold hard reality is that, generally, separated parents who don't parent their kids, still wouldn't be pulling their weight with it even if the couple hadn't separated.

Yes, this is awful. My ex is on disability benefits and he pays me £20 a week, plus pays what he can afford towards extras such as school trips, activities, etc.. My ex is probably rare in that he cares and does what he can.

Spot on op.

It's single mothers who carry the lions share of all the burdens. And of course we are demonised for it.