Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

[jiarA]

And yes it is mainly women.

My ex does next to no parenting. I do 95% of it because he is ‘busy with work.’ Many women actually would criticise me for this and say I should TELL him to step up. I have… newsflash, he won’t.

He pays CMS which is 12 percent of his salary. Despite being a reasonable amount as he earns well, this doesn’t touch the sides of 50% of the actual costs due to nursery. He gets away with this while I meet the shortfall…and do all drops offs and picks ups and 95% of personal care for our child.

The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Ex doesn’t need to be there if his child is unwell or needs to be picked up from nursery. But if I wasn’t there I would be considered neglectful.

My earning potential is hampered by the fact I am doing more than the lion’s share of care for our child while he does almost nothing. He will be applauded for his career and his standing in society while I am forced to fade out at least until our child is older.

There’s lots more.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

I know I sound bitter. I’m actually quite good fun usually - honest 😂 but all of this bollocks absolutely drains me. It feels unfair because it is!

Totally agree.
In a complete reverse of norms my stepson fiancee walked out on him and their 3 under 5s last year. She point blank refuses to have the kids alone or for longer than an hour so my stepson picks up the mantle and bloody rocks it
He's an amazing dad and his kids are thriving but I find it almost laughable that my husband (his dad) keeps bleating on about how she should be forced to look after her kids and how he should take her to court to make her face up to her responsibilities... its like what on earth do you think single mums in the same situation do.

My American family are flabbergasted by what my ex gets away with.

English society is deeply misogynistic.

We really do need men to be shamed and judged for these behaviours, by other men and by women too.

Completely agree. It's terrible and the law needs to change.

Preach.

And so far this thread is a breath of fresh air compared to the last thread I saw on this exact topic in which the OP was told to be grateful because lots of women got far less than her. FFS.

Spot on but it's important that resentment and bitterness are put to bed. Otherwise, it ends up costing you more(emotionally). I talk from experience and I got NIL maintenance😆

Pleased i never had kids i dont think i could deal with some of the dramas women have to go though.

You sure you aren't secretly living the highlife on that sweet 12% buying handbags and having your nails done? (sarcasm in case it wasnt obvious.) See actual footage of the average single mums day:

Then they find a girlfriend who they're using and start acting like disney dad. My child wont remember me doing everything when he was little because now good old dad has turned up and is the fave

Totally agree with you. I always wanted the involvement and picking up the slack over CMS money - even though we needed the money.

I don't think it will charge anytime soon. It isn't fair and we really can't do anything about it but suck it up which is so shit. It's awful that a father can more easily just back away and feel ok about that. I honestly feel we as mothers are most the time absolute victims to our own emotions and mothering instincts. I sometimes wished I could harden my heart just a little for various reasons.

We need to admit that there is a proportion of men who are fine with children as long as they part are of the package of a relationship with the mother, otherwise they can't be bothered. It's why men who change romantic partner often pay more attention to the children of the new companion, rather than their own

I think this is an important point.

I've always believed there is a tendency for women to drastically overestimate the number of men who genuinely want children, and also, how much those who say they do actually care about having them.

Men want sex, not necessarily children, but accept that the latter is a consequence of the former, and that in order to maintain a relationship where sex is available, children are often a necessary part of that.

It's hardly a wonder then, that when the relationship with the person offering what they actually have an interest in, i.e. sex, is no longer on the table, any sense of obligation to the children ends with that. They were never that interested in the first place, but for the sake of happy families...

There just doesn't seem to be an answer to the. You can't force an unwilling and disinterested parent to step up. It's heartbreaking to know that the person that is supposed to love and care for your child more than anyone literally can't be bothered. My ex husband doesn't see our twins and pays the absolute bare minimum in maintenance - £43 a week for both of them. I work part time self employed and do all nursery drop offs and pick ups, all illnesses (been in a&e today) and everthing else involved in keeping two 3 year olds alive and fed! My ability to work is constrained by childcare hours - I have no family to help out so it's all on me and I pay for all childcare - not a penny from him towards the cost. I claim UC which is a huge help with childcare but since they've turned 3 I under constant pressure to earn more whilst he has been able to reduce his maintenance by working less officially but earning cash in hand and there is nothing I can do about it. So whilst I'm single handedly raising them (plus I have a 16 Yr old daughter on asd pathway) and running a home and working I'm being called into regular meetings with the jobcentre to increase my earnings whilst he gets away with 0 parenting and paying a pittance. There is no equality for women and this you can have it all bullshit has just made womens lives a million times harder. We are just expected to be superwoman and sacrifice ourselves whilst men just worry about themselves and society allows this to continue. I've argued repeatedly with CMS but I've had to take a step back and just accept it for the shit show it is because I've realised that being angry and resentful doesn't get me anywhere. I hope we can all find peace and acceptance with our situations and find joy in our wonderful children.

Totally agree! Now a single mother myself to two teens I'm fully aware of the lack of support both financially and physically.. I'm holding down a job (fortunately remotely and flexible) I've done all the parenting throughout the summer including two little holidays and days out, bought all the new uniform and when I asked my exH if he had any plans over the summer for the children was informed he was too busy with work and living off a company credit card - so no contribution towards the new uniform costs. Imagine if I'd been too busy and financially unable to provide for them.. beggars belief! Yet his side of the family seem to think he's a great dad 🤦‍♀️ shameful behaviour.

@WildTwins I wonder if things may change when your twins are older. I see some men find it difficult or uninteresting to connect with younger kids. Wrong I know.

My ex is having the DC for more than 2 days in a row for the first time ever due to summer holidays, and a relative of his I bumped into actually had the audacity to ask how he's coping, and in the sane breath mentioned how lucky I was to have the time off 🙄🙄🙄 and yes, I work full-time!!!

I just want to know who those 2.5 people in every 100 are, who said you are unreasonable. So I can put them in my colleague/ friend/ client do not touch basket. The drop kick men are already easy to consign there if you’ve got the single mum radar ;)

I love the idea of making the payments public- this would piss all over the lies they tell people. I have a family member who’s ex told his family he had to work 3 jobs because of what he was paying for his kids, when he had paid nothing for nearly a year and was actually gambling it all away.

I think he may well want to reappear when there is less work to do but he was abusive to me and rough with one of the twins when they were 4 days old which is why I left him. He refused to pay maintenance and told CMS he wasn't the father so we had to go through DNA testing. He really isn't father material, I just wish I'd known that beforehand!

I knew what this post was going to be about before I read it. I understand. My ex is a high earner we were together a decade and he just walked out after Christmas last year. He pays the mortgage but no cms and I’m told everyday by his family and apparently everyone he knows that he is being so generous and I’m basically a money grabber. He looks like he’s this fantastic person but if I just walked out one day and saw our kids a few days a month I would be seen as the worst mother going.

He walked out on us and I worked out has them as low as 8% of the time and that’s with them being at his mums at that time also.

I do all the school days I asked if they could do any week days to do 50/50 they refused saying it would be too much so in the end I said I wanted every other weekend too as I was doing the drudgery but no quality time and now I look like I’m controlling but the options are there they just want the fun days aka Disney dad cough cough

He looks great in society is super successful think making over 100k a year whilst my life has taken a huge hit and I’m struggling he’s already in a relationship with the ow and I’m the crazy ex.

I hate how my life has played out like this but at the same time the bond I have with my girls is like no other and whilst he is head to toe in designer and I’m in Tkmax, eBay and charity shop clothes haha I am pretty content just scared sometimes about the future. I’m coming up to a year being a single parent so hoping this is just part of the process. 🥴😂

I don’t want to be alone forever and miss having someone to lean on at times but I also don’t ever want a man again 😂 Is this normal also? 😂

It’s honestly scandalous. If there was one issue I would make my hill to die on, it would be this.

No political will because it’s a women’s issue 95% of the time.

@WildTwins that is hideous. You all did and do deserve better 💐

Yeah completely normal.

the best thing you can do is maintain that amazing bond with your kids whilst outearning your ex ;)

Unfortunately the right wing newspaper and media hate women and they hate single mothers more!

the daily fail and co … hammer single mothers and depicted them as doing nothing but having babies and enjoying the benefits.

The right wing narrative is far away from the truth. But it’s been paddled unchallenged for so many years… it’s horrible.

This is part of the reason child birth rates have declined. Men get away with it! CMS should include nursery fee.. or half nursery fees goes directly to nursery from fathers wages.

It’s a disgrace. And I agree that the basic rule should be that the non-resident parent has to pay 50% of childcare costs (nursery and wrap around) to enable the other parent to work full time. Irrespective of their own income. Its the only fair thing. (Plus extra on top).

Interesting that you said women rather than mothers.