Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

[jiarA]

And yes it is mainly women.

My ex does next to no parenting. I do 95% of it because he is ‘busy with work.’ Many women actually would criticise me for this and say I should TELL him to step up. I have… newsflash, he won’t.

He pays CMS which is 12 percent of his salary. Despite being a reasonable amount as he earns well, this doesn’t touch the sides of 50% of the actual costs due to nursery. He gets away with this while I meet the shortfall…and do all drops offs and picks ups and 95% of personal care for our child.

The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Ex doesn’t need to be there if his child is unwell or needs to be picked up from nursery. But if I wasn’t there I would be considered neglectful.

My earning potential is hampered by the fact I am doing more than the lion’s share of care for our child while he does almost nothing. He will be applauded for his career and his standing in society while I am forced to fade out at least until our child is older.

There’s lots more.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

I know I sound bitter. I’m actually quite good fun usually - honest 😂 but all of this bollocks absolutely drains me. It feels unfair because it is!

I'd be bitter. 🤬

I think it’s time we set up a name and shame site,
but would probably be banned over some bollocks 🤣

What's the alternative to not accepting it then🤔

The whole 'single mother - irresponsible drain on society' narrative annoys me. I am a single mum because my ex was abusive.

I work full time and always have done
I've been a net contributor for 35 years
I have my DS (gladly) 340 nights a year
I do all appointments and am responsible for every aspect of parenting
My DS is clean, polite, healthy, well balanced, well educated, well fed and well provided for.
I am prudent and financially competent.

I do not claim benefits
I do not expect the state to house us
I do not pop a baby out once a year
My children do not have multiple father's (obviously)

I do a better job than millions of two parent households, and while I don't expect applause or even thanks because parenthood is my choice, I'd really appreciate any government that recognised the hard work single parents put in to make up for the laziness and selfishness of others.

Or at the very least, stopped making bigoted assumptions and negative generalisations.

I'd never thought of that but a public record of how much these men pay would be an excellent idea. Then a new woman would have literal data to know how much of a deadbeat Dad their new boyfriends were.

I know it couldn't be done in practice but as a concept I love it.

Or simply when they are toilet trained and can use a knife and fork. 🙄

My ex refused to have DS overnight or on his own between the ages of 0 and 5 because he refused to feed or change him. Just pathetic!

No and the bizarre thing is also, if on ex time, anything happens, or they don't apply eczma cream and you meticulously do, when you take them for checks (as its always you) you get the blame for everything 😅 why didn't you force the poor man who you don't talk to to do it right.. you have to take the blame for any mess up they do.

No professionals ever hold the dad accountable, all requests, advice everything is just expected for mum to sort and to control the ex. I know it's hard for full time dad's too as they are dismissed and they ask for mum 😂 the insanity of it drives me mad.

Absolutely true. I’m an attorney in the western USA and last year I argued successfully for dad to go to jail. 10 days in jail and 30 days to pay 30% of back due child support or else jail again. Honestly, it felt great.

Hearing you.
worst of all is the grief kid gives when one day per month Disney dad comes to town and they are in full meltdown after eating maccas and sweets all day and watching what ever they want on you tube for six solid hours.

being the not fun parent who pays for fucking everything and has sacrificed everything absolutely sucks at times.

😂😂did you meet my ex? He also tells me and anyone who will listen, at every opportunity exactly how much I earn (child support declare each others income) and why it is reprehensible that he is required to pay child support when I earn more money than him. He also reminds me how much I earn and criticise me for where I bought my house (in the ghetto), what the child wears (cheap and nasty), where we go on holiday etc etc. he lives with his mother and has no idea how much it costs to live in the real world.

he sees her once a month. And has thousands of dollars of unpaid child support.
he counter claimed child support requesting I should pay his mileage for picking her up once per month.

My husband recently noted how frustrated he is by the amount of times someone will say something like "oh, looking after the baby today are you?" if he takes our son out. Yet, I never get any comments about it being my day to "look after the baby" or "where's dad today?".

You have every right to be bitter. It's a massive injustice that men get away with this. It's one of the reasons women are increasingly opting to stay single.

👏👏👏

There is a FB group Deadbeat Dad Wall of Shame.

I totally agree OP. The only sweet thing to come out of it is the wonderful relationship you end up having with your DC. Mine are young adults now and barely speak to him, he is most upset. He thinks he has been a 'wonderful' Father because he did pay maintenance (having been forced via the CMS after giving me shit loads of abuse). He met another woman and barely saw his children, luckily my kids see him for who is and he is by far the biggest loser.

This happens all the time on mn - I’ve always seen these threads full if other women saying they only get £2 so stop complaining. It’s part lf the problem that women in the UK who are single parents are so short of resources that it’s a complete race to the bottom. It prevents any kind of organised solidarity and is a factor that prevents change and protects the system. Agree the uk is deeply misogynistic when it comes to parenting.

No one could blame you for having moments of bitterness OP. The different standards are insane!!

My ex tells anyone who'll listen that I don't 'let' him see the kids. I've tried for years to force him to parent! Well, not even parent really, but just care for them every second weekend and pay the child maintenance due. He earns 132k a year to my 52k a year but tells the boys he has no money and the money he does have he needs to spend on his girlfriend as 'that's what you do in a relationship' but it's ok because 'mum has more money than me'.

Any second I'm not with the kids is seen as selfish but he was dad of the year having them a few nights a fortnight. He has to work you know! At one point he said he couldn't have them during the week because his work weren't flexible but then he didn't want them on the weekend either because it's too expensive to entertain them.

He's obsessed that anything he spends money on doesn't benefit me, so anything at his place must stay there even a $1 toy autistic DS became attached to. He used to send them home naked rather than lend them some of his (hand me down from his sister) clothes.

Honestly the very low standards fathers are held to is abysmal, and blaming single mothers is horrendous. 'But you chose to have kids with them??!!'. The kids are here now, BOTH parents should be stepping up but no let's piss on the one who's hung around picking up all the slack.

Totally and utterly agree.

however, knowing all of this it is even more important to drill it into our daughters the importance of having full security before having a baby. It won’t eliminate the chance of being left a single mum (before you come at me saying you were married 10 years and be still left) but statistically it VASTLY reduces the chance of being a single mum if the woman ensures she is utterly belt and braces with contraception (or of course no sec before marriage as was always the norm) and doesn’t have a baby without a wedding first.

I know this will be unpopular opinion but it seems an obvious way to give yourself the best chance of not ending up in the situation of OP.

won’t come at me saying it doesn’t always work I KNOW THAT I’m just talking statistically.

I know there are exceptions, but the impression get from a large number of men is that they're not particularly fussed about having kids anyway. I could be completely wrong, and I'm sure many will jump on this saying 'none of the men I know are like this', but it's a vibe I get. Many kids it seems are born because of accident followed by reluctance, or because the woman has a desire for them and it's more of an appeasement.

100% correct. I’ve always said that if I hadn’t fed/housed/clothed etc DS then I would be considered awful and he’d be in care. Ex-husband did none of that and never even paid maintenance but that’s fine 😡 I was literally left holding the baby whilst he swanned off to his new life. He actually owes me thousands of pounds but I’ve got no chance of seeing it and the CMS don’t care it’s so unfair.

You chose to have a child. If you were daft enough to go into motherhood not expecting to do it entirely alone, whether that’s because DC father died or was an arsehole, that’s your fault. Always expect to be a lone parent, if you expect anything else you’re a fool.

You're 100% spot on.

Let us start with those men in public life or who earn over a certain amount, say higher rate taxpayers. Including a former Prime Minister.

They should hound these men. Not let them stop working and absolve themselves of responsibility. The US takes their bloody drivers license and then jails them if necessary. What doesn’t the UK care? Does Labour have any proposals in regard to sorting this travesty?

Nope. That’s the tired old narrative that keeps men off the hook. Stop saying it.