when to stop buying DC's birthday presents?

[againtomorrow]

i'm going to get a roasting for this i am sure, but at what age did you stop buying your adult DC birthday presents?

we have a fair few children between us, and they are now reaching their 30's. when a birthday comes round, we are give a gift and we pay for a birthday meal for DC and their partner. When its their partners birthday, the same applies.

Yet when its our birthday, WE receive no gift, and WE are expected to pay for the birthday meal!

We are getting on in years, and beginning to think about our retirement and money is getting tight and i was wondering at what point we say enough is enough, I've suggested to DH that we draw the line at 30! we would still send a card, but the other expenses would stop!

When i was younger, as soon as I turned 18 i stopped receiving gifts from my own parents, and my DH was the same.

When I had a discussion with my own DC, they were more than happy to accept that at 30 they were happy to not receive a gift, yet when we asked the opion of DSC (yes its a step children one), they were horrified, they felt that their birthday should always be celebrated and they should always receive a gift.

AIBU and should we continue to give gifts and treat to meals out
YANBU to set an age limit?

in truth, my DC behave in a way as most have pointed out, but i have to treat all my children the same so if DSC stop receiving gifts then my DC will have too as well.

No- you don't have to treat them all the same. The DSC are now adults and if they don't reciprocate and aren't grateful, just stop doing it. I still give my children aged 47 and 51 both Birthday and Christmas presents - but we don't spend a small fortune and we may or may not see them for a meal at Birthdays, but don't usually pay for their meals

I don’t expect to stop giving my children gifts for birthdays or Christmases. I would love it if we also continue celebrating with a special meal - ours is normally at home with menu chosen by the birthday person.

I understand what you are saying about finances, you could reduce the cost by making the gift more of a token or by making the birthday treat either a gift or a meal rather than both.

Never they're still my children. X

Sorry forgot to add but my children buy me presents too. X

Dad still gets me bday and Christmas gifts, I’m 36. However, I pay for a meal for him and get him a gift on bday/christmas.

your kids are BU.

I mean, if you can’t afford it just tell them. My Granny is 88 and still buys my Mum (68) a gift for both birthday and Christmas. And my Mum buys me gifts and I’m 42! I also buy for them, wouldn’t occur to me not to.

You say your children are 30 ish but your DSC are older but have never given you a card, a gift, nor cooked a meal or treated you to a dinner out. That is mean or spirit to not even send a card or get some flowers or chocolates as token gesture.

If your DSC are in their late 30s - stop bothering, it's madness to think you have to treat them the same. Stop being dictated to by spoilt, ungrateful giant babies. Tell your DH (and your DSC)- he takes care of his children, you take care of your children. What are your DSC going to do - stop doing nice things for you, oh they never did.

Stops when we have our own kids in this family

Mine are mid 40s, I buy birthday presents, usually a voucher nowadays, at Christmas we do a Secret 🎅 .

I tell/ask folk not to get me gifts, so it wouldn't bother me not getting anything tbh. I think I'd still give gifts to my son and a partner/any children should he have them, but they would probably become smaller as time goes on.

I'm 38 and haven't had a gift from a parent or PIL for years now. I don't buy a gift for mum as she prefers a day out instead so I treat her to that. I've always bought a gift for MIL but decided to stop this year as she didn't even get me a card this year. I think they stopped buying us gifts once we had DC.

My parents stopped when I was 18 until they happened to be in the area on my birthday and we went out for a meal with the IL's. MIL is very generous with us and my mum was embarrassed. Since then they've always sent me something. I've always been expected to get them something.

DH's family is weird in that they only give gifts if they find something the recipient would love. So if they can't think of something to give someone, then they don't get a present for that birthday/Christmas. I make sure to arrange something from the DC for the IL's. We tried taking MIL out for her birthday once but she snuck off to pay so now we invite them to ours and cook for them.

I would never stop buying for them! Why are you paying for a meal for 2? Buy something for the birthday person, not the spouse.

my kids don’t buy me anything as I don’t celebrate my birthday, no one does so its not an issue for me. But please don’t stop.

I buy gifts for my adults DDs birthdays. They don't live nearby so often it is cash to get what they want. E.g. DD2 wanted new trainers for her birthday so she got the money to buy them herself. They are aged 26 and 31. I can't see us stopping doing this. My 84yo DM still gives me £20 in a card for my birthday. She would be horrified at the idea of giving me nothing. I buy her a gift for her birthday.

I get a birthday present from my mum and I'm 39! I've usually told her what I want though. :)

But I do get her a present for HER birthday as well. That's the difference.

So, having read the updates, it’s a DSC problem.

I would probably go along with the meal, but tell them (not discuss like it’s a negotiation) there will be no presents going forward because COL crisis etc.

They can like it or lump it. Or do you think DH will then try to palm them some cash? How combined are your finances?