when to stop buying DC's birthday presents?

[againtomorrow]

i'm going to get a roasting for this i am sure, but at what age did you stop buying your adult DC birthday presents?

we have a fair few children between us, and they are now reaching their 30's. when a birthday comes round, we are give a gift and we pay for a birthday meal for DC and their partner. When its their partners birthday, the same applies.

Yet when its our birthday, WE receive no gift, and WE are expected to pay for the birthday meal!

We are getting on in years, and beginning to think about our retirement and money is getting tight and i was wondering at what point we say enough is enough, I've suggested to DH that we draw the line at 30! we would still send a card, but the other expenses would stop!

When i was younger, as soon as I turned 18 i stopped receiving gifts from my own parents, and my DH was the same.

When I had a discussion with my own DC, they were more than happy to accept that at 30 they were happy to not receive a gift, yet when we asked the opion of DSC (yes its a step children one), they were horrified, they felt that their birthday should always be celebrated and they should always receive a gift.

AIBU and should we continue to give gifts and treat to meals out
YANBU to set an age limit?

Your DC thought their step siblings were mean for not getting you a gift and then stopped getting you one too? But still get your DH one?

I buy my parents birthday presents. They are in their 80's.
They also buy me presents.
It doesn't have to be expensive. Just thoughtful. A book I would like. Some flowers, a nice product. Why don't you just get cheaper gifts for each other?

Oh just read they don't buy you a gift! That's crap. Stop buying them gifts and paying for dinner! Just send a card. Put a £10 in if you feel bad.

I'd be devastated to not receive a gift and I'm approaching 40, I also buy both parents and my DBro gifts for birthday and Christmas. I treat my parents the rest of the year too as they have given me alot of practical support and as a result I earn considerably more than them.

The issue isn't the gift giving it's the fact it's not reciprocated that's awful, but you set the expectation and basically told them you were ok with getting very little which has turned into nothing. I think a conversation to re-establish expectations is needed particularly as grandchildren become more likely and an added expense.

I was 40 this year, got lovely presents from my parents (theatre tickets and a pair of earrings) and a lovely painting I've had my eye on for a while from PIL. We were all together on my birthday and it was a bit of a bunfight as to who would pay for dinner, DH, my parents or PIL I'm not sure what the final outcome was I know DH paid something, but both sets of parents were adamant they wouldn't be paid for and wanted to pay for us 🤦‍♂️ .

However we always buy from them usually a main present from us and something smaller and sentimental that DS has chosen (t-rex garden ornament for gardening loving grandpa anyone ... ) and either take them out for dinner or cook for them depending on their preference.
For me it's not about age it's about reciprocity.

I’m lucky in that both my sons have longstanding girlfriends with birthdays very close to their own. We always do birthday presents for all of them and go for a family meals to celebrate each couples birthdays. At Christmas I host for those who want to come and do Stockings for anyone sleeping here on Christmas Eve. I always get nice presents in return, and cards with lovely messages. I’m very fortunate.

I'm in my 40s and still receive birthday presents from my parents, as does my sibling, who's nearly 50. However, we both also treat our parents for their birthdays and Christmas, as well as treats at random points throughout the year - just little things we know they'd love. They still insist on trying to pay for meals when we're all out together though, so it's often a discreet race to the bar to settle it first! Do what you feel comfortable with, or at least have a conversation about how you intend to continue to do gifts, but not meals or vice versa - given they should know your financial situation changes as you enter retirement, they should understand that.

not quite... as i said, i only said my DC stopped getting us gifts because i didn't want to initially make the post a Step Children one, as i explained, my DC do still buy us both gifts, but they are told not to spend lots of money. to be honest i can't imagine my own children not ever doing something for our birthdays. and if i am honest i can't imagine not doing anything for DC, i was simply trying to gauge where everyone else was when it came to birthday gifts and as ive already said, it seems i've maybe been trying too hard to make everything fair for everyone and need to look at changes rather than stopping

I'm just 41 and got a present from my parents. However we have always got birthday presents for parents too. Nothing too grand all round unless it's a big birthday.
Especially as a single person, you don't really get presents from friends (unless it's a big birthday). I think it is pretty mean for a parent to not make a little fuss or give a token. You made them after all!

My parents always buy me something (and DH) and we always buy for them. Very occasionally we'll go out for something to eat, but that's unusual. My parents travel a lot - retired young and enjoying it! DH and our children usually take me out and vice versa.

I couldn't imagine us not getting getting each other a present!

It’s never occurred to me that people stop buying presents for their nearest and dearest but if your children can’t be a*sed then there’s no reason why you should continue.

Please always, always get them one! ❤️

to be honest i've dug myself a hole really, i perhaps should have been honest from the start and simply taken the wicked step mother beating that always follows on MN.

its my DSC who never every buy birthday presents, cook or take us out for meals, or even send a card. I've never had a card from my DSC ever!

and yes it pisses me right off that we have to go all out for their birthdays and their partners birthdays and make a big who har about it. They will even remind us when their birthday is coming (like we don't know) and make sure to get their birthday meal booked in.

My own DC do buy us both gifts and not just on special occasions and i have told them not to spend too much because i do feel its unfair and i try so hard to be fair with all the children but sometimes its just so blooming difficult!

This! Can't believe they don't bother with your birthdays, that is really selfish.

I’ll never stop giving my children birthday presents , but you should cut back to give a gift within a reasonable budget , don’t over stretch yourself. I always get a gift from
my children though I do stress to them I don’t want them to spend a lot of money. have you told them how hurtful they make you feel?

I have 4 AC and buy presents or take them out for their birthdays. All of their DPs also treated the same.

3 of the AC always buy me something for my birthday and at Christmas we have a Secret Santa.

The 4th AC rarely remembers my birthday and always spends Christmas with DP's family, so doesn't get involved with Secret Santa. I still buy for him and his DW. Am I a mug?

Just stop doing it yourself for your (very selfish and grabby) DSC. And if your DH doesn't bother doing it for his DC well that's on him.

My son is a thousand miles from me. I live in Florida and he is in Pennsylvania. We both have the same habit of collecting things the other would like. Candies, spices, cards, new specialty foods, photos, anything really and when we have enough to fill a small box, we send it. I usually time one so it’s there for his birthday, usually a few small wrapped things and money. Same for Christmas, except at Christmas there are a lot of his favorite baked things. Rum balls, little mouse cookies, “Soft peanut brittle”, which is hard to explain. And money again. I have INSISTED he stop buying me gifts, but he does sometimes anyway. Neither of us, nor DH, are big on birthdays and Christmas, so the little surprises are the best.

It’s easy to make things completely fair, @againtomorrow - you buy gifts for your children, your husband buys gifts for his.

If he buys rubbish gifts or forgets, that’s not your problem to solve.

You can knock the meals out on the head by saying they stop at age (whatever - age of eldest DSC) and everyone else stops getting birthday meals when they get that old too.

My children have been getting us gifts since they started secondary school - obviously budget-appropriate! - and if I were your DH I’d give his kids holy hell for being so ungenerous and grabby.

I'm over 60 and my Mum still buys me a birthday present, and I cannot imagine not getting something for my DC.
The difference is, they always buy for me and DH ( and each other), and the eldest will often pay for meals out for us. The youngest is still a student , so doesn't have money for meals out currently, but when he was working, took us all out to dinner with his first paycheck.
Can your DSC afford to pay for meals out?
If they don't get you presents, I think I'd stop buying for them, and maybe invite them for a meal at home rather than in a restaurant - dinner and drinks for 4 can easily come to £200+, so if money is tight I can see why you wouldn't want to be paying out for all the birthdays. I certainly don't think it's necessary to take them all out on their partners birthdays. Let DH cook a celebratory meal for his DC.

I can understand why you didn't post that first, but in fairness I don't think it matters that they are a SC, if you said it was just one of your kids out of all of them the conundrum would be the same, you aren't unreasonable for feeling that way.

I'm not sure where the tradition came that you always paid for the meals out, but in our family whenever we've gone out for a birthday meal everyone pays their own way and everyone brings gifts/cards to the meal normally. My DH's family are of the opinion that if you suggest a meal out then they have to pay for everyone!! We've managed to get them to our way of thinking but it's been a bit of a battle, I think it's a bit of a pride thing for FIL, he wants to be the provider, my dad was just the same, when I go out with my MIL we take turns or share everything no problems.

Could you just not offer to take them out? When it comes to their birthday just wait for them to bring it up then say "times are a bit tough, so we weren't going to offer, but if you did want to go out, we'd be happy to come and split the bill between everyone" .. your kids sound very reasonable so I'm sure would be happy to go along with that, if your SC don't want to do that then happy days, it's a win win.. just remember you may never go out with them for a meal again though unless you offer to pay 😀

Not sure about gifts, I'd find it hard to stop personally, my parents and PIL always buy us gifts and we do them, I have just stopped giving money & presents to some family members of mine on birthdays that are in their thirties, they don't sent a card or text me or even say thank you for anything I get them so it's just a card from now on.

I'm 45 and I still get birthday and Christmas presents from my parents, I thought that was normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was horrified reading this. I wouldn't care if my son was 10 or 50, I'd always get them a gift and celebrate.

They don't gift you?
You don't have to buy an expensive gift and certainly not a meal out.