when to stop buying DC's birthday presents?

[againtomorrow]

i'm going to get a roasting for this i am sure, but at what age did you stop buying your adult DC birthday presents?

we have a fair few children between us, and they are now reaching their 30's. when a birthday comes round, we are give a gift and we pay for a birthday meal for DC and their partner. When its their partners birthday, the same applies.

Yet when its our birthday, WE receive no gift, and WE are expected to pay for the birthday meal!

We are getting on in years, and beginning to think about our retirement and money is getting tight and i was wondering at what point we say enough is enough, I've suggested to DH that we draw the line at 30! we would still send a card, but the other expenses would stop!

When i was younger, as soon as I turned 18 i stopped receiving gifts from my own parents, and my DH was the same.

When I had a discussion with my own DC, they were more than happy to accept that at 30 they were happy to not receive a gift, yet when we asked the opion of DSC (yes its a step children one), they were horrified, they felt that their birthday should always be celebrated and they should always receive a gift.

AIBU and should we continue to give gifts and treat to meals out
YANBU to set an age limit?

I think presents AND a meal is far too much.
My family get a card and a reasonable present (£20-30 depending on the age etc)
But a meal on top is a huge expense. I really would stop all that and cut everything down.

I buy all of mine a gift/money and the in-laws get the same. I’ve cut back at Christmas to only doin 2 of them santa sacks ( yes they are 30 and 25 ) my other son has children so the money I would spend on a sack is used on the grandchildren. When my DD has her baby that will stop for her too, just presents for the baby no Santa sack. They all get a main present though.

I wouldn’t do meal and gift, that gets expensive, I feel it’s important to give a gift though even if it’s only small. This year my son gave me a new pair of embroidery scissors, I love them, it doesn’t matter if they cost him £5 or £50.

this made me smile because i do still always get all the DC an advent calendar!

I will always buy my kids pressies. We have two adult children. It's fine

Same. As I’ve earned more money I’ve spent more money on her and I encourage her to spend less on me.

if DSC stop receiving gifts then my DC will have too as well.

Seriously? You're going to be cruel to be fair? Actively damage your relationship woth your own kids to bring everyone down to the same level?

You feel hurt and so you're going to...spread the hurt?

Where is DH in this? Why hasn't he had an honest conversation with his kids? Or you, if you're determined to treat them the same.

It’s nice to get a card and a little pressie. Something small, and not expensive. It is a bit much to go out for meals for all the birthdays, and also do their partners. A card, and something very small for partners (if anything). It’s a bit off that none of your offspring do anything for you.

Just ask them over to yours for a bit of birthday cake, a card, and a little pressie. Could even be a joke present. Most imaginative gift under a fiver.

to be honest, i don't mind the not getting gifts for myself, i've never got them from DSC, but as they are older than my own DC, they saw this, and questioned it as they thought it was mean so to keep the peace i gave my DC the option to not buy gifts and stated 'something small or inexpensive' would suffice. My DC always buy for my DH, birthdays, christmas, fathers day.

i take on board that we may have been doing too much, and will suggest as others have said a budget and a card. alas if i didn't do the buying, then DH probably wouldn't bother, so its really my own rod i've made

Let me get this straight. You told your DC to not buy you a present, and now you're saying that because of that, you want to stop buying for them?

Honestly I'd be gutted if my mum got me nothing. You don't have to do the meal, but it's just mean not to celebrate somehow.

Token gift once they have left home.

My adult DC are the only people
I buy presents for and certainly can't imagine stopping.

I’m now a mum of one at 29 years old and my mum still buys me something and pays for my dinner from time to time while we are out. I still even get money and presents from
my brothers dad even though my mum and he are no longer together. I think it’s personal preference but I certainly would put a stop to paying for meals. I wouldn’t stop the gift giving though but in such a giving person!

Also I would never put the relationship with a SDC above the relationship with my own DC. If SDC doesn't want to do gifts, don't do them with SDC. Doesn't mean it needs to stop with your own DC.

By the way, this isn't even a step kid thing. My mum and sister are very close. Holidays together, meals out all the time, days out. They regularly buy each other gifts, and my sister gets more expensive presents than I do for Christmas. It doesn't bother me at all. I am not as close to my mum and I don't buy either of them gifts except birthdays and Christmas, and even then they're token ones, so I'd never expect that sort of treatment. I also just don't care as much about stuff and sentimental tokens, I don't particularly like giving them or receiving them. I'd never expect my mum to stop this part of her relationship with my sister in the name of fairness. It makes perfect sense to me that they have a different relationship which reflects the aspects of their character that they share and the things they enjoy, I'd be very sad to think of them changing on my account.

I suppose it depends on your financial situation - and if you are struggling, you maybe need to have a bit of an open discussion about this and explain that you can't afford to spend so much any more as you need to be prioritising your retirement .

I think it's sad not to get them anything though, and also sad that they don't do anything to celebrate your birthday, but then again it may depend on your overall relationship and how often you see each other. I was going to say that my parents bought presents for me well into my 50s (stopped due to their illness) but I also think they may have come to an agreement with my brother that they stopped swapping presents due to distance and not being around on each other's birthdays .

I'm 37 and my mum and dad always get me a birthday present. I get them presents too. We don't often see each other on our birthdays because I live further away. I tend to set a budget of £50 unless its a milestone birthday where i spend more.

@againtomorrow personally I don’t think I’d be that bothered if I never received another physical birthday gift for the rest of my life. I’d always much rather be treated to an experience than be given stuff I don’t need/want/have space for. The amount of ‘things’ I’ve been gifted that are just for the sake of giving a present is ridiculous and often end up being given away as I don’t need them.

Taking someone out for dinner is more than enough but there are cheaper options.

I still buy gifts for my parents but it becomes increasingly more and more difficult when someone isn’t in need and can afford to buy what they want.

Well mine are 38,36,31 and 27 and I still buy them birthday and Xmas pressies

Oh, I didn't realise people stopped buying or recieving gifts. I bought my parents birthday and Christmas presents and they never stopped buying for me. Never anything expensive, but there was always something between us.

I would not have liked to stop.

But, OP, it was a small gift. I sometimes got them different teas and coffees and biscuits. Or a plant for the garden. It wasn't an expensive gift and numerous meals on top.

I would cut out the meals.

Same! I am 33. We do the same for my MIL too.

I think it’s nice to give your dc birthday gifts. Perhaps don’t pay for the meal out, but give a gift.
I can’t imagine not giving my parents a birthday present.

This was similar with my parents . I think the first year I bought presents on their behalf as I knew they would have wanted to give the gifts but after that I figured it was just one more job so stopped . I always got them presents though, even toward the end when they didn't really understand what they were for .

I will be buying my kids gifts for xmas and birthdays until i die unless they ask me to stop

They should be getting you a present too, but I didn't think there was an age limit really? I still get presents from my parents at 40 something.

Yeah and the Op is a parent that's been in their life, not a doormat

My inlaws stopped buying us presents...oh wait... sorry they never gave gifts to be able to stop 🤣🤣