when to stop buying DC's birthday presents?

[againtomorrow]

i'm going to get a roasting for this i am sure, but at what age did you stop buying your adult DC birthday presents?

we have a fair few children between us, and they are now reaching their 30's. when a birthday comes round, we are give a gift and we pay for a birthday meal for DC and their partner. When its their partners birthday, the same applies.

Yet when its our birthday, WE receive no gift, and WE are expected to pay for the birthday meal!

We are getting on in years, and beginning to think about our retirement and money is getting tight and i was wondering at what point we say enough is enough, I've suggested to DH that we draw the line at 30! we would still send a card, but the other expenses would stop!

When i was younger, as soon as I turned 18 i stopped receiving gifts from my own parents, and my DH was the same.

When I had a discussion with my own DC, they were more than happy to accept that at 30 they were happy to not receive a gift, yet when we asked the opion of DSC (yes its a step children one), they were horrified, they felt that their birthday should always be celebrated and they should always receive a gift.

AIBU and should we continue to give gifts and treat to meals out
YANBU to set an age limit?

I won't ever stop buying my adult children presents (or more often than not gifting money). That's unconditional on their buying us anything. But we are at a stage where we are comfortable, and they either have the money now or pay inheritance tax on it when we're gone

My do buy me presents and I’m 48. I reciprocate and often cook for everyone on birthdays. I can’t imagine stopping with mine and I’d be hurt if they didn’t bother with a card or other minimum gesture.

I would be devastated if my parents forgot my birthday, whatever age I was

However I also buy them a birthday present, when I was young the other parent brought a present for me to give to the birthday parent as I got older I was given money to buy one myself and then just brought it myself - same as I have done with my own children

I think I would stop altogether for everyone at 30 (or whatever suitable age you come up with) or do one or the other, either a gift or meal, and not pay for anyone else for your own birthday meal (just have it for the two of you if necessary).

I’m in my 30s and my mum still gets me something for my birthday, though I have said for the longest time that she really doesn’t need to - I also get her a gift in her birthday. However I think if you’ve spoken to your kids and money is tight, and they are understanding, stopping the gifts is fine. IMO there is more to life, and more to birthday celebrations, than gifts and buying and spending money etc. There are other ways to show you care.
As for DSC, that seems to be where the issue lies - not getting you a gift yet demanding you continue buying gifts for them. A tricky situation, one that I can’t really advise on. But if your other kids are understanding about no presents, and money is an issue for you, I think stopping the gifts altogether and treating all your children (DSC included) in the same way regarding this, is a fair way to go.

I still get presents off my mum and I'm in my 50's! I buy her gifts too and we always go out to eat. I do the same with my DCs 23 and 21yo but I only occasionally buy for my DSCs who are in their 30's mainly cos I don't see them often.

If money is tight then stop spending it on pressies and meals.

Send a card and if you can stretch to it, invite them round for high tea - nice sandwiches and cake at your house either inside or in the garden or for a picnic in the park (assuming there are benches and tables you can use). I'd still want it to feel special for them, but cut the cost. Ask their partner to get the bday cake too!!!

The issue is that it’s one way.
Me and my mum still exchange gifts but meals generally for big birthdays.

All your adult kids expect presents and money from you for their birthdays and don’t even get you a gift in return?

even if my mum told my to stop getting her gifts, I wouldn’t get her absolutely nothing while cheerfully accepting money and presents off her every year.

your kids all seem very selfish. I would normally say you’d get your kids gifts forever but that’s because it should work both ways. I guess if they’re not bothered about getting you gifts then you should just stop giving them in return?

DH and I still get birthday and Xmas presents from his parents and we’re in our forties! My dad also bought us presents until he died. I think the problem here is the lack of reciprocation. We always really push the boat out for the parents. I’d knock the meals on the head and start giving a token gift only unless they start getting you both something at your birthdays.

Not really because if DSC complained you can just say I thought we weren't doing presents to each other anymore

In my family we all keep on giving and receiving gifts and festive meals at all ages. The children get involved with buying and giving presents from a young age. I love buying presents!

It never stops. My GM gave gifts until her 80s when she got dementia and POA for finances went to one of the ‘children’. At that point all the children (50s-60s) decided to stop as the gifts didn’t have meaning anymore. The children though all got their DM gifts until she died.

I'm 55 and some times they do and sometimes they dont

I’m 40 and DH is 42. Both sets of parents still buy us gifts but we buy them gifts and take them out for meals etc.

I'd buy my dcs gifts or cash for birthdays until the day I die!
My nan did for all of her dc , gc and ggc. She insisted.

I’ve read this thread and just wanted to say, my mum died suddenly at 57 this year due to high bp, she had a hard life, had a learning disability and really struggled with money and even affording bills and food shops

she felt tremendous guilt at struggling to still buy for me and my son and the only thing I could have ever wanted would have been longer having her. I never once thought bad of her for not being able to afford to get us stuff but I know how much debt she got herself into to try and get us stuff but she didn’t need to. Now she’s gone, my sister told me about how upset she’d be to only get my son a bag of sweets etc for Christmas but she didn’t need to and I wish I could tell her that, the most important thing was presence over presents

I'm 51 and my my parents still buy a gift (or give me money) and i reciprocate on their birthdays. Sometimes we go out, sometimes don't, sometimes someone cooks, sometimes we just pop round for tea and cake. In our family whoever organises the meal pays- so on my birthday I treat my family to a meal and vice versa.

I intend to always buy my DD a birthday gift- no matter how old she gets.

I'm 59 and my mum still gets me birthday and Christmas presents.
They don't have much money and presents have always been 'token' from our 20s eg nice soap, chocolates, something for the garden.
We try and spoil them a bit.

Of course, they’re young adults. In fact I mainly gave dd money this year as she didn’t want much and is skint.

I will always get my dd something for her birthday but I won't be paying for meals out etc

I'm 53, my parents still give me birthday and Christmas presents, I'd be gutted if they stopped!

I have no intention stopping buying gifts for my adult children either.

If you wanted gifts, you should probably have not told your children to stop buying for you....

Just stick to gifts, you don't need to do a meal out. We always get together for cake and drinks for birthdays with our family.

If you're watching finances, just scale back what you give.

OP I suggest you do this.

Or alternatively, set a maximum token amount of £50 to £100 per child, and a card. Drop the birthday meals.

I think your situation is very much the exception OP, I hope they start getting you a little something for your birthday.

This has also just reminded me that this is the first year I won’t get an advent calendar from my Dad he always got us one each, every Christmas from when we were toddlers! Even the cats got one