when to stop buying DC's birthday presents?

[againtomorrow]

i'm going to get a roasting for this i am sure, but at what age did you stop buying your adult DC birthday presents?

we have a fair few children between us, and they are now reaching their 30's. when a birthday comes round, we are give a gift and we pay for a birthday meal for DC and their partner. When its their partners birthday, the same applies.

Yet when its our birthday, WE receive no gift, and WE are expected to pay for the birthday meal!

We are getting on in years, and beginning to think about our retirement and money is getting tight and i was wondering at what point we say enough is enough, I've suggested to DH that we draw the line at 30! we would still send a card, but the other expenses would stop!

When i was younger, as soon as I turned 18 i stopped receiving gifts from my own parents, and my DH was the same.

When I had a discussion with my own DC, they were more than happy to accept that at 30 they were happy to not receive a gift, yet when we asked the opion of DSC (yes its a step children one), they were horrified, they felt that their birthday should always be celebrated and they should always receive a gift.

AIBU and should we continue to give gifts and treat to meals out
YANBU to set an age limit?

I can’t believe they don’t get you anything! It needs to be two ways. We’ll be buying each other presents for life in my family.

erm.. no they didn't stop, but i encourage them to not spend lots! so usually card, and flowers or chocolates. its difficult because it really is a case of DSC who behave like this but i didn't want this to turn into a typical MN SM bashing.

in truth, my DC behave in a way as most have pointed out, but i have to treat all my children the same so if DSC stop receiving gifts then my DC will have too as well.

Well I suppose if you told them to stop…
it’s up to you really. Can you make the gifts smaller and have a limit? It’s the thought that’s supposed to count. You obviously want to make them feel special.

My parents pretty much stopped getting me gifts when I had my own children and now just buy for them.
I do miss it a bit - it's not the money just having something thoughtful from them. But they've never been very good at sentimental things or displays of affection so it's just how they are.

Well you have to cut your coat according to your cloth. In our family, adult children get cash and a meal out, or a special meal cooked for them by me at home, which is often their preference. I think it's definitely the thought that counts but I would find it unthinkable to not give any present/cash to my children. My dad is 80 and always gets me and my children birthday presents and takes out for lunch. Mind you, we always do the same for him too.

I'm 33 and my birthday present from my parents was a bunch of flowers and some chocolates.
I don't need anything, flowers are pretty and I love chocolate. My in laws bought the same. Some years I get books or bookshop vouchers too.

Bless him my 5 year old thinks that adults get chocolate and flowers for their birthday as that's exactly what he chose for my dad's birthday last week and has said he wants to get mum in law next week.

I think it varies family to family, there isn't a right or wrong way.

My two are grown up now and we still spoil them for their birthdays, and when it's our birthdays we also still spoil them and their partners.
We enjoy their company and they've all we got. It will be all theirs one day anyway.

My parents still buy me presents at 39, but then all my (older) siblings and I buy for each other and we club together to get something really nice for our parents on their birthday - example would be a city break and posh meal.

Presents are usually around the £50 mark for us siblings so not a huge amount. We don't do adult Christmas presents. Also we're all married and spouses generally just get a birthday card from my parents and the spouses' parents respectively (in my case I do get a cheque for £20 from DH's parents but it's written to 'Mrs [DH's surname] and I haven't changed my surname, after DH mentioning this several times we've given up 😅 the thought is there!).

I would continue the presents but have a cost limit and stop doing the meals! That's excessive.

I'm in my late 40s and still receive nice Christmas and birthday presents from my parents. I'd be upset if I didn't! I also give them very nice presents for birthdays, Christmases, their wedding anniversaries and so on. These days it's not so much about the expenditure, but the thoughtfulness of the present.

So really this is just a problem you have with your DSC.

You told your children to stop buying presents for you because they didn't? I don't get that. What's one got to do with the other?

Bizarre situation. Why don't the dsc buy him presents? Is it because he told them not to? Or because they never have?

I find it weird that you stopped your kids buying presents because his kids didn't, now want to stop buying all your kids presents because they don't buy you presents.

My mum died a few weeks before my 40th. On my 40th my dad gave me a gift of jewellery that had a label on top, with my mums hand writing. She had bought my presents months before. She wouldn't have ever stopped. My dad buys me gifts now nearly 3 years later.

My parents are substantially wealthier than me, so they are very generous at both Christmas and birthdays. But I still get them something, even if it’s just doing some baking at Christmas or a book I think they might like or whatever.

My Nan died at 94, my Mum was 69, she still bought her presents!
My Mum still buys me presents, but this year will be different as she had a stroke and isn't able. It will be incredibly strange, and she'll be so upset she can't do as she usually would. I can't imagine a day when I think it's the right time to not treat my children.

My daughters are 30-ish. I buy them a main present and a card and host some sort of celebratory meal out for the family for their birthdays.

When it's their partners' birthdays I send a card and money for a meal out for the two of them.

It's expensive but I view these precious times as memories the making.

I was going to say YABU but then saw that your dc don’t buy you gifts so changed it to YANBU.

You can’t really complain that they don’t buy you a gift when you told them not to!

I will never stop buying our children a gift, I would probably cut out the birthday meal but I’d still buy them a gift. My mum still buys me gifts(probably far too much) but it’s all appreciated and I buy her gifts too.

I honestly could care less about my birthdays but I love buying for other people's, my mum is on a very limited income and she still sends money over for the children which I always appreciate and make sure she's spoilt throughout the year back.

I've just started instructing our 16yr old the art of gift giving and treating people you love and whom demonstrate love you back with little acts of service or small gifts.
My MIL dropped him off for a holiday in the Spring so I mentioned thinking about getting her a thank you gift on holiday which he did, she was really touched.

I think if there's a decrepensy then it would be fine to host a family meal for their birthdays or a trinket but not both.

I would be ashamed to still be receiving gifts and not reciprocate at their age.

Just give them less and do a dinner at home

We buy gifts for each other, I buy my parents, they buy for us, same as adult children buy for us and vice versa.

It’s often a token gift, not large value like when they were teens but still lovely thoughtful gifts.

If we go out for dinners we spilt the bill.

This is so dependent on circumstances I'm (almost) 40 and my parents still get me a present. Usually a £20 voucher or something of similar value. I never expect it but my DM wouldn't ever want to not get me something. One retired one on low income. I have always brought them a present. What we get them depends somewhat on our finances and the number of their Bday. I'd say average of about £100 however for their recent big birthday ending in a 0 we paid for all of us to go abroad. When I was a student newly into work I'd spend about 10-20 pounds

But then I’ve always encouraged the children to buy gifts relative to what they have. Pre-teens £5 per week pocket money might buy a night bar of chocolate or some wax melts type thing. Older teen, earning £50-£100 a week, might buy some slippers or pjs etc.

30 sounds like a good age to stop at. As it's a big one get one last gift at 30 and leave it at that.

A birthday card every year is enough!

I'm 54 and I still get a birthday present from my Dad. I also always buy him presents at Christmas and birthdays. I can't imagine stopping buying gifts for my children and frankly, I wouldn't want to.

Always exchanged gifts when I was on speaking terms with my parents.
Exchanged, rather than one way giving being the operative word.
& DM B'day was really close to Mothers day, so usually both as far as I recall.

Two meals out per child + gifts seems excessive - drop it to just token gifts?
& as for the SC that has never given gifts - that's up to her parents, not you.

You buy your own dc gifts and your dh gets his own dc gifts job sorted. Why should your own dc miss out.

i stopped getting birthday presents when my mum died and my dad didn’t remember because it had always been my mums job.