To be annoyed with DP over cancelled holiday

[libertybonds]

This has been a horrible year.

We can't have a normal summer holiday for various reasons, but DP and I agreed to take a special long weekend abroad in September. I got it all booked up a few days ago after a lengthy discussion over several weeks.

Today he told me that he forgot he had an immovable work commitment on the Thursday so we have to cancel??? He wants to rebook in the UK due to the shorter travel times.

He says he is sorry and disappointed, but he has form for calendar incompetence.

I'm extremely angry.

YABU: Give him a break and suck it up, travel in the UK

YANBU: What a knob

Go abroad - you need it!

He's a complete knob to do this to you so I'd use the time that you're away to give the relationship a long hard look and decide if this is the type of thing that you are willing to put up with time and again.

Then you need to have a conversation depending on what you've decided.

But definitely do go abroad for yourself if nothing else!

Is there really no way you can push it all back one day?

Can’t you change it to a later date then? Go the following weekend? I’d be annoyed too but there’s definitely ways to solve this, it doesn’t need to be cancelled entirely.

Please don't tie yourself down to having a child with this man. Please don't.

I think if you read your comments on this thread you will see you are in fact a male apologist. It’s the one thing I noticed reading the thread! You’ve asked people if he’s a knob in the YANBU part but have then gone on to defend at every opportunity

Yeah but maybe he isn't a knob @Coconutter24 and just someone who's scatty and a bit shit at organisation.

There's general disorganisation then there's being an intentional prick, and the OP seems fairly sure which side he lies on.

YOU don't want HIS career to be impacted. That's very thoughtful of you.

What is his desire for not impacting his own family life/relationship with you??? Does he care that what he is doing (or in this case, not doing) is impacting that? If he did, would he repeat it? Does he repeat the behaviour that has brought you to this point?

In my opinion, if he really cared about your happiness, he'd be taking steps to check calendars and even (if it was for something big like this) checking with you to see if you're double booked or not. He doesn't. He didn't.

It's a team building day. Having been on many team building days in my career, they happen and yes, people miss out on them due to other commitments that clash with the day that the team building day is on. It's not life or death and there will be another one at some time in the future. Has he explained why this one would be the deciding factor in any career progression???

My DH has ADHD and he can be like this. He holds it together at work (although he's late for, and forgets, meetings) but is disorganised about dates in our personal lives.
I've learnt through experience to manage this carefully. I can't just tell him dates and expect him to remember. I have to tell him then put it in his work and home diary then remind him regularly. It's annoying but it mostly works.

Which is fair enough but then why put the option of him being a knob in the poll? OP should know what people are going to go with on MN.

He's really hopeless with practical matters and I kind of have to organise everything/remind him of stuff.

Why do so many women sign up to deal with and excuse men's learned incompetence? I don't get it at all.

It has got to be infuriating.

He obviously needs more practice at organising stuff. I would tell him that he has 2 days to plan and organise a UK weekend away, otherwise you're going on the original weekend with or without him.

I have an ex husband like this!

never missed football training or work meetings but frequently messed up dates we had booked to go away, visit my family (never a problem for his) or he was too busy for my things but not his.

1 staff day at work isn’t going to be pivotal in his entire career, his overall performance will be and you are being put at the bottom of the pile. He is using this to manipulate you. I don’t know 1 person who got promotion because of attending 1 staff day, they got it for excellent overall achievement.

id go with a friend or he joins you later. If he refuse to join you later go with a friend.

you are offering up excuses for him but it sounds like he has form for this and basically it just comes down to you not being important enough to remember. I bet you don’t diary fuck up your child’s school play etc, that’s important so you prioritise it

Your DH sounds like mine. We had a few holidays where I've been on my own with the kids part of the time because he had some unbreakable work commitment - he used to tell me he couldn't help it, but I work in the same area and knew perfectly well that at least some of those commitments were things he could have scheduled another time if he'd applied his mind to it. I think the problem was that he compartmentalised - home and work were two different things, and when he was setting up something for work he never really stopped to think about whether he had any commitments at home.

Generally it didn't necessarily matter because we tended to have self-catering holidays that were quite flexible, and at least in the early stages I quite liked doing the driving and having the extra space in the car. However, there was one where I'd put a lot of effort into arranging an uninterrupted week, including busting a gut to remind him several times, and he still had a work issue blow up after we got there. I was really upset and showed it, and I think that brought him up short: he went to a lot of trouble to come back after the work thing was dealt with, and managed to get his act together for holidays ever since.

I don't think it matters why someone does something hurtful unless they are considering how they won't do it again.

If you allow the narrative that one person's paid employment is more important than anything else including commitments they made to you, you will have a life where they continually let you down.

Never in the history of mankind has a team building exercise been important enough it can't be missed. They're always, always corporate box ticking bullshit.

So just to be clear on that. This isn't an absolutely vital, unavoidable meeting with the CEO to discuss the progression of his career. It's a playdate for adults that he's choosing over a holiday with you after a difficult year.

Aye he sounds dead nice.

I’d g with a friend, assuming you’d been looking forward to it, and then he can book a uk trip for you both for another time. Do not take on all the admin of fixing his mistake though.

Change his flight for the Friday, go on your own on the Thursday and book a spa treatment and saunter round a lovely gallery and have a great lunch people watching, then let him join you for the rest of the break. Or sit by the pool and read a book, don't know where you are going but It could be lovely

Surely he arranged a later flight to join you, at his own expense since he made the cock up?

My guess is that he didn't book the holiday out at work, and the team building day has been booked around people's available dates. Now he's faced with saying to work he can't go, and he might be worried the holiday wouldn't be authorised.

If he genuinely is like this at work and home then he needs to work on his executive function. I doubt he is much like this at work as he likely feels there is more consequence to messing up there, whereas if he messes up at home it 'only' affects you and to some extent your child.

We have a big wall calendar and any 'big' work things like team days etc go on there alongside personal things. If someone forgets to put something on it, they sort out any resulting problems.

Go on the holiday and he can follow or not as he prefers.

Well yes obviously that's objectively true, but a lot of leaders turn it into something vital, and don't take kindly to people who don't agree.

It really doesn't matter if it's team building or something like fixing the quarterly budget. If the company decides that your presence is required, and you haven't already got holiday booked then it is fair enough that the company insists on that.

Where i work we are fully hybrid, and except for two or three events per year our presence - in person - is not required. Although there are compulsory meetings that you can dial into.

Their business, their rules.

Well then it's up to him if he wants to prioritise his idiot boss over his partner isn't it? At least she knows where in the hierarchy she stands 🙄

You know full well life is just not like that.

I would go on my own. I don’t see why you should lose out because of his fuck up.

If he wants to join you, he can arrange that.

If you continue to mop up after this man child, there will come a point where you get the ick.

Oh stop @MonsteraMama and think about life in the real world for a minute 🙄

I'm surprised she's not there already. It's so unattractive in grown men.